Lazy waster boyfriend

[dizzylizzy08]

I have a DD. She's just mine. I have a boyfriend. I've been with him for 5ish years. We don't live together. He's great with DD when we go out or away for weekends etc. I've always made it clear that he's not her father. He's my boyfriend / a family friend.

We're at his family's this weekend. We all got up at 8 and had breakfast together. My DD has been out to water the garden. They live near the beach, so we're going to go off exploring etc. But boyfriend refuses to get out of bed.

The last time we were here, he did the same thing. We all got up at 8 and he went to sleep in the car until midday. Got up for lunch and then went for another nap in the garden. When he eventually gets up, he's nice and pleasant and expects me to be the same but by that point I'm just furious inside. I told him last time that when we're together I expect him to be present and to give it 100%. He agreed. But now he's doing it again.

He doesn't have a job. He started studying last September but then gave up. He's going to do it again this September... but has already warned me he's only giving it until the end of September and if he doesn't think it's going well, he'll give up again and go on the sick again.

I just feel like I deserve better than this. Maybe I'm overreacting. His family doesn't seem to be angry that he stays in bed. They're very easygoing, very nice people.

I want to chuck an absolute shit fit to be honest. I want to pck up the car and just leave him here. But they're celebrating his birthday today (when he gets up).

I did leave him once and he ended up in a psychiatric hospital for three months.

I feel trapped.

I'm so fed up. I'm such a hard worker. I have my own business and run a charity. I have my own house. I work as hard as I can. And somehow, I've ended up with someone who won't lift a finger.

I don't know how to get out of it either. I'm worried he'd lose the plot again if I said it was over. Last time I did it, he didn't wash or shave or cut his nails for months and then turned up at my house like a tramp and I had to call his father. He was sectioned. He was diagnosed with bipolar type 2.

And also: WHY do people get involved with losers like this????

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

please explain it to me.

good luck op, this is no life.

Excellent post Locksocksbrigade. I think OP you have decided now that you have had enough. Having a relationship with someone who has MH needs is tough enough but if they won't engage, try their best or even take their medication then the difficulties become a hundred times harder. I think you know that it is time to walk away now. I hope you can do it as kindly and gently as possible.

@dizzylizzy08

I have to find a way to do this.

His mum is back with the cake and Champagne. She's started cooking lunch. I can't do it now.

But I do need to do it. I really really do.

There is no special way of doing anything. You just get your stuff and your precious daughter and get in the car and go. You don't have to say anything to anyone, there doesn't need to be any drama, just slip away.

You've already worked out that he's not going to change, why would he, the behaviour works for him. It doesn't work for you or your daughter. You don't need to know anything about him once you've gone, it's irrelevant to you whether he cuts his nails or gets the bunting out. Concentrate on yourself and your daughter

The cbd can be beneficial to bipolar/mood disorders, so I wouldn't read too much into that.
I agree with heyday, I feel I can stay and support my partner because he IS taking his medication and he IS actively trying. He can be a lot to handle sometimes but I know hand on heart that he is doing HIS best right now. It isn't the same as my best, sometimes he doesn't get stuff done, but I don't have his disorder or his past trauma and treatment isn't a straight line. I wouldn't be willing to stay if he wasn't taking his medication, but I made that clear first. Him taking his meds is a hard boundary for me for everyone's sake. It's okay to stand firm to your boundaries, if he won't take the meds and establish a routine then walk away.

Or walk away now, there's no wrong answer, consider your own needs too, they're just as important. It sounds like you've tried and this is impacting you hard. I don't think I would willingly enter into a relationship with someone struggling as much as our partners do, but my partner was wrongly diagnosed with adhd for a long time and it wasn't until we met (I have a background in this) that he began the process of getting the right meds and diagnosis. It's okay to hold up your hands and say its too much for you right now. Even on the meds he won't be neurotypical, and all of this resentment brewing will ultimately hurt both of you.

I only recently got an understanding of bipolar after watching modern love o prime. He is lucky enough to have been diagnosed and if he really cared for you he would be taking the medication for his condition and being there for you. He is with his family so you can leave him with them and go home?

The ⛰⛰⛰are that way ⬅️. 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️!!!!!!!!!!!!

Always always put your children above your “love” life. Always.

While I entirely agree with the above statement, I also want to point out that you are not happy with this man. He is not as invested in his own mental health as you are.

Lying in bed is the least of his problems. He has no job, no ambition and had to be sectioned??

Not the type of person you want around your daughter

Better off alone!!!!! Get a grip

*He's unmedicated. He collects his prescriptions, but just puts the tablets in the cupboard.

He takes "legal highs". Microdosing? CBD tabasco (or something like that - he says it's not weed).*

He's not even helping himself. He's not even doing the basic things tm help himself.

He's not your responsibility and this is not good for your child to be around.

You can't and shouldn't carry him through life.

First of all, he's not lazy. He's ill. If you can't deal with that, and it's fine if you can't, let the man go. Inform his parents when you leave, so that they can keep an eye on him.

No wonder his family are “nice” they have a mug caring for their difficult son. Also baffled as to why you are in this relationship very odd. Why are your standards so low?

His behaviour, illness, actions are so far from needing to be discussed here.

Get out of this relationship immediately.

I agree with pp, actually now is a perfect time to go. He's with his family. You can pack up the car, get your daughter ready and let his mum know you're going to be off. You don't have to explain why - just be polite and say you're sorry you can't stay for cake, and off you go. You don't have anything to feel guilty about, and as pp have said, you need to think of your daughter's wellbeing too.

I think I do have low standards. I'm very overweight. I work from home. I'm 42. I think he "love bombed" me at the beginning. And now I feel stuck. I'm a good person though. And a hard worker. And I'm quite pretty. He seemed bright. Someone I could talk to. I thought he was on my level. He said he was becoming a chartered accountant. But he never has become one. We're not in UK. The "incapacity"(my translation) he gets is 800 and odd a month (for life). Plus he only pays 70 rent. He's happy to live like that. But because he knows I'm not impressed, he pretends every year he's going to get more qualified. He has a masters, but needs more to be a chartered accountant. He's never really worked though. It's all total bullshit.
I do everything on my own. My own house, job, animal rescue. I have goals. My DD is ace. I don't know why I don't think I can do better.

How did you come to have such low standards in men?. What did your parents teach you about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see your mother behaving similarly as to how you behave around this man now?.

Put yourself and your child first. Even now you have a choice re this man, your daughter does not. What is she learning about relationships from you?.

Yeah, my mother put up with an abusive alcoholic. She's a headstrong businesswoman... so it makes no sense really. They finally split up when I was 20, but I knew he was a wrong'un from about 6 years old.

I would also think your daughter thinks your boyfriend also is a wrong 'un. History has a nasty habit of repeating itself.

@dizzylizzy08 you CAN do better- even being on your own is better than this!! You are not responsible for him even if he ends up in a mental health facility after you leave him. He and only he has the power to help himself. It’s unfortunate but you can’t stay out of guilt and you are obviously resenting him. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm 💐💐

Please tell me you're not going to do what your own mother did and further drag out your relationship here with this boyfriend of yours. To all intents and purposes its over now. Are you still at his family's home?.

When you go back home at the end of the visit, leave him there at his parents.

I suspect that just family are used to him and what he does and are happy to leave him to it knowing that he will be leaving with you soon. If you are driving You could go home and leave him to it.

I don't imagine that this will change/get better.

FGS, think of the absolutely horrific example you are setting for your daughter by dating this loser. History will repeat itself, just like you did with your mother. Stop making excuses and just get in the car and leave.