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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lazy waster boyfriend

154 replies

dizzylizzy08 · 15/08/2021 09:04

I have a DD. She's just mine. I have a boyfriend. I've been with him for 5ish years. We don't live together. He's great with DD when we go out or away for weekends etc. I've always made it clear that he's not her father. He's my boyfriend / a family friend.

We're at his family's this weekend. We all got up at 8 and had breakfast together. My DD has been out to water the garden. They live near the beach, so we're going to go off exploring etc. But boyfriend refuses to get out of bed.

The last time we were here, he did the same thing. We all got up at 8 and he went to sleep in the car until midday. Got up for lunch and then went for another nap in the garden. When he eventually gets up, he's nice and pleasant and expects me to be the same but by that point I'm just furious inside. I told him last time that when we're together I expect him to be present and to give it 100%. He agreed. But now he's doing it again.

He doesn't have a job. He started studying last September but then gave up. He's going to do it again this September... but has already warned me he's only giving it until the end of September and if he doesn't think it's going well, he'll give up again and go on the sick again.

I just feel like I deserve better than this. Maybe I'm overreacting. His family doesn't seem to be angry that he stays in bed. They're very easygoing, very nice people.

I want to chuck an absolute shit fit to be honest. I want to pck up the car and just leave him here. But they're celebrating his birthday today (when he gets up).

I did leave him once and he ended up in a psychiatric hospital for three months.

I feel trapped.

I'm so fed up. I'm such a hard worker. I have my own business and run a charity. I have my own house. I work as hard as I can. And somehow, I've ended up with someone who won't lift a finger.

I don't know how to get out of it either. I'm worried he'd lose the plot again if I said it was over. Last time I did it, he didn't wash or shave or cut his nails for months and then turned up at my house like a tramp and I had to call his father. He was sectioned. He was diagnosed with bipolar type 2.

OP posts:
NotaCoolMum · 17/08/2021 13:38

Just go! You seem to be making a lot of justifications to stay. I’m sorry he’s unwell but that does not bind you to him for life. You are not married to him so quite frankly- what his family wants is irrelevant. They don’t want him there unless you’re there? That’s tough! If they can’t deal with him how do think think you feel?!

beastlyslumber · 17/08/2021 13:41

Your daughter is not oblivious. She is in a horrible environment, with a mum who is anxious and emotionally unwell. You have the means and the ability to make the situation different and better.

rainbowstardrops · 17/08/2021 13:57

Well he needs to start taking his bloody medication for a start!
Honestly though, he's not a great role model for your DD, so I'd be tempted to cut my losses with him.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 17/08/2021 14:15

It’s a shame he has the MH struggle that he has, however it’s not your fault and this relationship is not a healthy one for you or your DD. You are not qualified to give him the help he needs and it sounds like when it is offered he refuses it anyway.
Whatever he threatens, however he acts when you tell him it’s over, that’s all on him, not you. Think of what his behaviour is teaching your DD. Walk away and let him get the help he needs

GingerBeverage · 17/08/2021 14:20

Have you had any counselling to deal
with growing up in an abusive environment? If not, I would make it a priority once you are out of your current situation so that you are armed with knowledge to avoid it again.

NotWanting · 17/08/2021 14:34

His mental health issues are not your problem - dobt let him make them your daughters problem.

Change and break the cycle or your daughter will end up with a man like this too.

Tallisimo · 17/08/2021 18:39

His family can’t just offload responsibility on to you, that’s not on. Just take your daughter and go. I’m sorry he has MH issues but as I’ve said before, you have tried to help him and support him but he is not interested. Time to Get Out.

hamptonedge · 17/08/2021 19:11

@dizzylizzy08

He's unmedicated. He collects his prescriptions, but just puts the tablets in the cupboard.

His mum has gone out to collect his birthday cake.

I've just been crying and crying.

I asked him to get out of bed and he said that I just can't respect his need for sleep.

I said he's known for days we were coming here. He doesn't work. He could have been tested before.

I did a lot of research on bipolar 2. I bought books. I even met with two psychiatrists (with boyfriend present).

I've sorted out his flat. Made sure he has food. Tried to not put pressure on him.

He takes "legal highs". Microdosing? CBD tabasco (or something like that - he says it's not weed).

He gets incapacity benefit, social housing.

I don't know what to do.

He just tried to give me a hug, but I don't feel up to it.

You cant save him if he isn't helping himself😤. Walk away and concentrate on your child. You leaving didnt 'cause' bipolar, he needs to take his meds and follow advice.
Ourlady · 17/08/2021 20:17

Now is the perfect time to leave. It doesn't matter if he's stranded there as he has nowhere to go and nothing to do anyway
Ann look at it this way, you will be leaving him with his family so if he takes it badly then at least they will be there to support him
It's very telling that they have asked you to take hum back with you. They are depending on you to look after him forever so it takes the pressure off them.
Don't be that person.

category12 · 17/08/2021 20:24

I think you should head off with your dd. Leave him with his family - they will just have to step up to support him instead of slopey-shouldering it onto you.

You'll find it harder to end it if you take him along and he winds up back at his place on his own.

Beachlovingirl · 17/08/2021 20:39

Op I’m posting with agreement of everyone here.

You may be enabling this behaviour. I had a boyfriend who liked to stay in bed all day too. It was his choice. When I said that’s it he was up and cleaning and diy. This wasn’t real though. I’m sorry but his problems aren’t your problems but seems like he makes them your problems. And the family too?

You’re worth so much more. Leave them all and enable yourself and your dd to live a better life. Don’t you think your daughter feels it when you’re cross with him? She does. He’s the problem. You’re not, and your daughter is not so don’t burden yourself with this.

Justilou1 · 17/08/2021 22:12

God… Even if you have to sneak out very early in the morning, just go!!!

Original poster
dizzylizzy08 · 18/08/2021 16:53

I'm home with DD now. My mum has come to stay for a few days. I've finished with BF. He didn't take it well, but that's that. I feel drained.

OP posts:
category12 · 18/08/2021 17:06

Well done. I know it must have been tough to do. Flowers

Make sure you don't get guilted back.

beastlyslumber · 18/08/2021 17:21

Flowers Well done. Be gentle with yourself.

NotaCoolMum · 18/08/2021 17:25

Well done! You can’t see it now but this is the ABSOLUTE RIGHT thing for you and your DD 💐💐💐💐💐

Howshouldibehave · 18/08/2021 17:27

@dizzylizzy08

I'm home with DD now. My mum has come to stay for a few days. I've finished with BF. He didn't take it well, but that's that. I feel drained.
Well done. Is he still with his family or did you drop him home?
NotWanting · 18/08/2021 17:30

Well done OP, feeling drained is okay, you will bounce back.

You should feel proud of yourself.

MzHz · 18/08/2021 17:57

@dizzylizzy08

I'm home with DD now. My mum has come to stay for a few days. I've finished with BF. He didn't take it well, but that's that. I feel drained.
I know you’ll feel low etc, but you really have done the best thing possible

He was awful and you don’t ever have to take responsibility for him again.

Well done!!

HalzTangz · 18/08/2021 18:24

Unless he starts taking his medication everyday the situation will never improve.

Does his family know he's not taking the meds

Does his doctor know he's not taking them?

Tallisimo · 18/08/2021 19:58

That must have been a very hard thing for you to do. Well done in facing up to things..

Original poster
dizzylizzy08 · 18/08/2021 21:50

He got a bus home. It must have taken hours. He cried and looked awful. Haunted. I spoke to the brother about meds. The uncle is bipolar on the mother's side. There was talk of taking him to the hospital. I need to keep away though. Thank you all for your help. I still feel weak, but I knew it was coming at some point.

OP posts:
AluckyEllie · 18/08/2021 22:24

Whatever he does now, or whatever state he ends up in- it is 100% not your fault. He refuses to take his meds. Don’t take him back because you feel bad for him. It’s how people like him get by- the sympathy vote.

You sound like a great person with a great daughter and you deserve to be happy. You will find someone better, an equal- if you want to.

GettingItOutThere · 18/08/2021 23:16

he is an adult, he is NOT your problem

pack the car up and get the fuck out of there, dump his ass and block him on everything

DismantledKing · 18/08/2021 23:20

You’ve certainly done the right thing

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