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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lazy waster boyfriend

154 replies

dizzylizzy08 · 15/08/2021 09:04

I have a DD. She's just mine. I have a boyfriend. I've been with him for 5ish years. We don't live together. He's great with DD when we go out or away for weekends etc. I've always made it clear that he's not her father. He's my boyfriend / a family friend.

We're at his family's this weekend. We all got up at 8 and had breakfast together. My DD has been out to water the garden. They live near the beach, so we're going to go off exploring etc. But boyfriend refuses to get out of bed.

The last time we were here, he did the same thing. We all got up at 8 and he went to sleep in the car until midday. Got up for lunch and then went for another nap in the garden. When he eventually gets up, he's nice and pleasant and expects me to be the same but by that point I'm just furious inside. I told him last time that when we're together I expect him to be present and to give it 100%. He agreed. But now he's doing it again.

He doesn't have a job. He started studying last September but then gave up. He's going to do it again this September... but has already warned me he's only giving it until the end of September and if he doesn't think it's going well, he'll give up again and go on the sick again.

I just feel like I deserve better than this. Maybe I'm overreacting. His family doesn't seem to be angry that he stays in bed. They're very easygoing, very nice people.

I want to chuck an absolute shit fit to be honest. I want to pck up the car and just leave him here. But they're celebrating his birthday today (when he gets up).

I did leave him once and he ended up in a psychiatric hospital for three months.

I feel trapped.

I'm so fed up. I'm such a hard worker. I have my own business and run a charity. I have my own house. I work as hard as I can. And somehow, I've ended up with someone who won't lift a finger.

I don't know how to get out of it either. I'm worried he'd lose the plot again if I said it was over. Last time I did it, he didn't wash or shave or cut his nails for months and then turned up at my house like a tramp and I had to call his father. He was sectioned. He was diagnosed with bipolar type 2.

OP posts:
romdowa · 15/08/2021 19:21

I'd be leaving now. Time to put your daughter first and set a good example to her. His mental health is not your problem. You need wake up here, this guy is a waster .

Guineapigbridge · 15/08/2021 19:21

Bipolar is shit but his mental health isn't your problem. It's sad for him that he's been unable to be a net contributor to your relationship but if you continue with him then he will drag you and your DD down.

DerAlteMann · 15/08/2021 19:30

Why are you even asking? GO!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/08/2021 19:37

Certainly do not stay until Wednesday. There is no compelling reason at all for you to stay.

category12 · 15/08/2021 19:43

Go home with your dd and enjoy a couple of days peace at home.

MingeofDeath · 15/08/2021 19:52

He isn't stranded. He is with family in a, presumably, well provisioned holiday home. Pack and leave.

Tripletipplev · 15/08/2021 19:55

Why didn’t you listen to the last advice you were given on MN? Didn’t he buy your daughter an iPad when you told him not to? You are in France, aren’t you?. Not sure why you keep writing about him when you know what the advice will be

WildfirePonie · 15/08/2021 20:03

Leave tomorrow OP, while he is still in bed.

Remember: HE IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM!

And don't forget to block them all.

MsTSwift · 15/08/2021 20:17

You are allowed to not have a boyfriend you know.

Brown76 · 15/08/2021 21:44

It’s a shame that he’s so unwell, I wouldn’t say he’s a lazy waster, but you sound unhappy and he really doesn’t seem able to meet your needs (much as he may tell you what you want yo hear) and the relationship can’t progress because you are so far on different paths. You don’t have to help him to your own detriment. You don’t have to be in a relationship that makes you unhappy. You’ve spelled out what you want - him to be present and engaged if you come and stay with his family. He either can’t do this, or doesn’t want to, but either way it’s not working for you. He knows this, you were very clear, so let’s assume he just can’t.

CirqueDeMorgue · 15/08/2021 22:51

Oh, stop trying to turn my comments into some sort of anti-feminist bullshit. OP should leave, yeah. That doesn't mean he's all the disgusting things he's been accused of being by other posters. He's mentally unwell and would anyone be calling a mentally ill woman 'dross?' Of course they fucking wouldn't.

LostSocksBrigade · 17/08/2021 11:03

What happened OP?

Original poster
dizzylizzy08 · 17/08/2021 11:14

I'm still here. He seems very unwell. I don't know what to do. He's talking really fast and very excited and happy now.

I've been playing with DD on the beach a lot and spending time with his family.

I said I wanted to go home this morning and he looked like he was going to cry.

He only has another two weeks and then he's moving about a thousand kilometres away to pick up his studies again. It won't last. The same thing will happen as it did last year. He'll go for a month or two and then come back. I'll use that time to think of the best solution going forward.

I have moments of happiness with him. He's not a bad person. But he's not doing what he needs to do to sort himself out.

I have a massive project happening in November (buying a building linked to the charity work I do) and I just can't be dealing with the pressure of it all. I'll crack up. I can't look after him. I feel sorry for him and I wish him no harm at all, but DD comes first. Always. He's lovely with her, but I don't want her to think it's normal to not work/sleep/not look after yourself etc.

I've had a chat with his family. They're all on my side. They agree with everything I've said, but they've not suggested any solutions. They just want us all to get on because we're on holiday.

Yesterday and today, he got up at 8 and seems to be making a big effort... but inside, I can't forget what happened on Sunday.

OP posts:
SnatchCassidy · 17/08/2021 11:25

I start to wonder if you may not be allowing him to get the help he needs. He isn't going to get that help all the time people around him just carry on bumbling along like nothings happening. This is so off the scale it's absurd that he isn't still sectioned. What are you all doing about getting him assessed again and telling the mental health team that he doesn't take the medication?

gamerchick · 17/08/2021 11:53

The problem is, those living with bipolar and refusing medication can never have an equal relationship. You will always be caring for him.

Orgasmagorical · 17/08/2021 11:57

I said I wanted to go home this morning and he looked like he was going to cry.

This sounds very harsh but does that really matter? So what if he cries. Whether he's genuinely upset or using it to manipulate you into staying with him, it's not a reason to put yourself and your daughter so low down on the list.

They agree with everything I've said, but they've not suggested any solutions.

There probably are no solutions that will make everybody happy, but something's got to give. You can either stay and put up with the same thing for however long you choose to stay or bite the bullet now and improve you and your daughter's lives while you've still got the vision that things could be better for you both.

I have moments of happiness with him.

All relationships have moments of happiness, they're not necessarily genuine. They might just be the thing that keeps you hanging on, hoping for more of them. But they will become fewer and further between. And really, moments out of how long??

I'll use that time to think of the best solution going forward.

Like I've already said, there probably is no solution that will be easy for everyone. You are putting this man and his behaviour, whether that's down to illness or abuse or both, before you and your daughter's welfare. Look at the title of your thread and read over what you have said about him, why are you not standing up for yourself and your daughter a bit more? I'm not saying that to have a go at you, I'm just trying to point out what's very difficult to see when you're in the midst of a situation, this is not healthy and not likely to improve unless you do something Flowers

Deadringer · 17/08/2021 12:07

Go today. As pp have said, he is with his parents, he will be fine. You can't fix him, please don't waste your life (and your daughter's) trying to fix him.

Howshouldibehave · 17/08/2021 12:09

Pack up the car and leave now-today. He is with his family-they can sort him out. It’s not a sustainable relationship and what he does rehab you leave is not your problem.

Original poster
dizzylizzy08 · 17/08/2021 12:21

@Orgasmagorical Thank you. You are right. I know you are. I just have to find the courage to do it.
I told his doctor and his parents about the meds. The last doctor actually wrote in his file, "he pretends to take his medication". His case just isn't serious enough to be sectioned. An aunt of his did suggest private care. She offered to pay. Maybe that's an option.
DD is playing at camping in the garden. She's oblivios. But if I stay... it won't always be like that. I can't do that.
I feel so anxious and wound up. Almost panicky.

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 17/08/2021 12:35

@dizzylizzy08 - my brother has a long-term MH problem similar to bipolar disorder. My parents are dead and I am his closest family member, apart from his wife that he met in rehab. It is not safe for MY mental health to have him in my life, or appropriate to have him around my kids due to the unpredictable/erratic behaviour. Other people (family members in particular) minimize the damage he is capable of inflicting - because it is not (always) intentional or his fault. Yes, he is ill, but he is not my child or my responsibility. He had a great health team and they are better qualified to deal with him. When family members spend extended periods with him, the guilt trips start heading my way. I have discovered that this is their way of saying that they have had enough and they want him out of their space and they want me to do something about it. People are happy to suggest that “someone” (me, in this case) should - but my first responsibility is to myself, my kids and my husband. I would suggest that the very loud silence you are hearing from his family is “Oh Fuck, Don’t leave him here!!!”

Original poster
dizzylizzy08 · 17/08/2021 12:42

@Justilou1 Yes, the brother actually said those very words (more or less). He said that if I was going, could I drop boyfriend off at his flat first. They don't want him here unless I'm here.

I'm so wired and angsty.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 17/08/2021 12:58

Seriously, take hour child and go home. Let his family deal with him.

FinallyHere · 17/08/2021 13:02

Absolutely, take your child and go.

Change the locks when you get home. Block on phone and social media.

You never need see him again.

What are you waiting for? There will never be a good time to break away. Now, when he is surrounded by family is as good a time as you will get.

His eyes full with tears, and that stops you making a big change for the better for your DD? Time to get your priorities straightened out.

Good luck.

Howshouldibehave · 17/08/2021 13:02

What are you going to do?

You having to spend the whole journey trying to drive with him in the car with both of you knowing the relationship is over just isn’t safe. It’s not fair on the brother to ask you to do that actually. I’d just apologise and go.

Orgasmagorical · 17/08/2021 13:33

I feel so anxious and wound up. Almost panicky.

You're scared of his reaction, perhaps his family's reaction.

It's not an easy thing to do, breaking up with someone, but do you have to do it face to face? You said you were slyly packing the other night, is there an opportunity for you to get the rest of your stuff, stick it in the car and slip away when the rest of them are doing something else? You could leave a note or even text him once you are over half way home to say 'sorry but cheerio'.

They don't want him here unless I'm here.

Fucking hell. Really, dizzylizzy, you don't owe anybody anything. They are relying on you to take whatever they don't want to deal with, that is not fair.

If he has keys to your house I would either take them too if he has them with him or change the locks ASAP.

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