Can’t decide whether I should leave previously controlling relationship

[Cantdecideaway]

I’ve been on MN a long time and have been trawling the relationships threads, amongst others, for a while, whilst trying to decide what to do about my situation.

I’ve been with my husband for 19 years, we met at school. Married for 11 years. We have a 10 year old son. My dad was exceptionally controlling, narcissistic and abusive and so moving out and in with my husband felt like a breath of fresh air! However, in the past couple of years I’ve come to recognise that he has been very controlling as well (used to refuse to allow me to talk to men, see friends of my own, pursue my own hobbies/interests etc).

As I’ve come to realise how unreasonable he’s been, I’ve been working through these issues with him and, to his credit, he’s recognised a need to change, and has been having therapy for the past year. He is no longer controlling of me although he is still very insecure.

However, I’ve come to realise, he contributes nothing to my life. He is pleasant enough and isn’t unkind to me, however I do all of the housework, mental load, parenting, caring for our animals, etc. The only thing he contributes is a paycheque. I feel like if he wasn’t there, things would be just the same, but with half the income. I wouldn’t miss him, I don’t think.

All of this is making me feel like I don’t love him, and perhaps I should leave. My son has been saying the same to me; we are very close and I think he has a good understanding of the situation. I would never burden him with this dilemma and have always reassured him that things are fine between me and my husband, however he says things like “it would be no different if daddy wasn’t here”. He works away a lot and my son is never bothered if he’s away, doesn’t miss or pine for him.

So the question is, should I stay or go. The problem being, I read so many threads on here about such awful men and I think, at least my husband is pleasant and reliable, would never cheat, earns a stable wage and doesn’t hurt us. But at the same time, it all feels hollow. I don’t love him and I don’t think to be honest he loves me. I feel really lonely. But I don’t want to leave only to find I’m even lonelier.

Sorry, that’s a long story. I have no one to turn to for advice as I am very low contact with my parents and my husband’s past behaviour has managed to ensure I don’t have any friends. Can anyone offer some perspective please?

Being on your own and in control of your own life, looking out for yourself feels so much less lonely and sad than that awful loneliness you feel being in a bad relationship.

And that’s just assuming you’d always be on your own, when in all likelihood when the time is right you’d find someone lovely to have a relationship with. And this time you’d recognise the red flags for abusive or controlling behaviour. It’s easy to think from this site that the majority of men are lazy, abusive or cheats but in reality there are lots of lovely men - people only come here with dilemmas needing advice.

I left a relationship 6 months ago where he didn’t pull his weight, show me affection and I felt so lonely. It took me a while because I was scared being alone could be worse or I wouldn’t find anyone better. It was terrifying to jump into the unknown but my time single taught me I can look after myself and don’t NEED anyone else, then when the time was right I found a lovely, attentive man who contributes equally.

The same will be the case for you!

Your son sounds very sensitive and although you haven’t acknowledged his suspicions to him and are putting on a brave face, he’ll be aware of more than you know and will be worrying about it. Don’t forget you’re showing him how a family dynamic should be.

@qwertyuiop098 thank you so much for your really thoughtful reply, which brought tears to my eyes as you’ve managed to sum up exactly how I feel. And I’m so aware that my son is witnessing a negative view of relationships. He is probably my only friend - we’re very close. He pulls his weight around the house and cares about me a lot - but I am very careful not to depend on him emotionally too much as he is just a child.

If I left, we could just about scrape by financially, but there would be no luxuries or days out etc. I’ve done the sums, we’d have to live a very frugal life. I’m fine with this as I’m quite a frugal person anyway, but I don’t want my son to have to go without in order to make me happier. That doesn’t feel reasonable either.

Being on your own is better than being with a man you don't love, who contributes nothing to your life and who has controlled you, even if that has stopped.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Your son and you will be fine with a life whereby you as his mother (and in turn he) are not controlled by his dad/your husband.

Teach him better lessons about relationships than the ones you were taught.

OP,
I think you know your relationship is over.
Your son does clearly.

I think you would be better off with a fresh start.

Start with trying to reconnect with old friends and making new ones.

Keep posting.

But what if I realise he wasn’t so bad after all and regret upturning my son’s life. It would mean we’d have to move, a fairly long way from here (I’ve done my research). He’d have to change schools, make new friends etc. And I’m fine really. I can “suck it up” for him.

You are living half a life, even your son sees it. Don't waste another day.

Here's a thought. Since you've been married a long time your relationship may just be dull and that might be why you're feeling lonely. You said he has been less controlling since he started therapy so it must mean he is willing to change or improve himself for the sake of your marriage. Try to communicate with him about how you feel. Maybe you feel lonely because the two of you don't spend much time together anymore. Tell him that you'd like to have a dinner outside with him someday or ask him to help you with the house chores on a random day or reconnect with an old friend and tell him about your reconnection and see his reactions. Is he still controlling about the matter? Does he WANT to spend time with you or is he completely indifferent about your emotions and feelings? plan a picnic or a family trip so your son can also spend time with him. Idk much but it's just my opinion that leaving the relationship might not be the easiest thing since you've spent quite a chunk of your life that way and I think personally that everyone should give their relationships a chance to work unless there's some sort of abuse that you're suffering consistently. That ofcourse is not to be tolerated. Communicate with him and I hope things get better for you!

Stop lying to yourself. Denial is a powerful force granted but denying your truth about your H controlling you is the absolute worst thing you can do for you and your son. Do not further do your bit here to teach your son that a loveless marriage could become his norm too.

Therefore you cannot and should not suck this up for your son!. What do you want to teach him about relationships and what is he learning here from seeing all this?.

Your only regret going forward after leaving this man may well be that you come to realise that you should have left years earlier. Material things to your son are not that important really; what really counts is he seeing you as a happy and content mother rather than a constantly worried and otherwise preoccupied one. It may also come to pass that you and your son may not have to leave the marital home. It may also be your research is based on supposition and not fact.

seekingsolace's advice is incorrect in your particular circumstances and you have indeed suffered consistent abuse at his hands. Abuse does not only have to be physical in nature and such men need years of therapy, not mere months. He knows how you feel, after all he made this cage to put you in. He does not care for either you or your son. You also do not love him and do not miss him.

Abuse is not about communication, its about power and control and this man wants absolute over you.

@AttilaTheMeerkat - one of the things I’m worried is in case @seekingsolace1 is right. But I have always tried to communicate when I’m unhappy, and things do change, but never permanently so, just for a few months.

As it’s relevant to some other responses - we would have to move out, as our house is provided by my husband’s employer. My son and I can’t afford to remain where we currently live.

can’t afford to remain in the area* we currently livr

Hello OP, I think for your son to be hinting that life might be better without your husband around suggests that things are worse than you realise. x

You jumped from the frying pan into the fire when you married this man. Given also what you've written about your dad, its no real surprise that you met him when you were young (and had no real life experience behind you. That suited him to a tee). Your home life was also dysfunctional and this man did seem like a breath of fresh air to you after all that.

Your H is likely incapable of change. He pays lip service to you and has no real will to change beyond a few weeks/months of improved behaviour. Its still an act he cannot maintain and again he has taken no responsibility here for his actions. Such attitudes are deeply ingrained (your own father remains abusive towards you and I daresay one of his parents acts the same too) and he could well end up needing years of therapy. You do not and cannot afford to hang around now. You do not love this man and you do not miss him when he is not around. You also learnt a lot of damaging lessons about relationships when you were growing up and that also affected your boundaries. Your son cannot and must not go onto repeat this in his own adult relationships.

You have a choice re this man and your son does not.

I would certainly seek legal advice as to the situation re this house provided by his employer and how this would feature in any divorce settlement.

@Alcemeg - to be clear, he didn’t say it would be better, just that it would be no different. Important distinction and I don’t think he was suggesting that he’s unhappy at home. He was commenting on the fact that his dad does nothing in terms of housework/parenting/family life. (My son willingly does lots of housework, he enjoys it)

My son and I go on lots of trips without my husband and he once asked me why dad never comes with us. I said it was fine for people to have different hobbies and interests (and of course, it is!) - my son said “but you could find a different man, who likes what we like”. He does know, it’s the elephant in the room really.

Thank you so much to everyone who’s posted so far. It’s felt like a release to get this off my chest and it’s been really useful to see things from other perspectives. I’m intrigued to see that most people think his past controlling behaviour would be seen as abuse. It’s very hard for me to know the threshold of normal, having grown up in the home I did.

I don't think you have no idea what "normal" relationship behaviour is primarily because no-one bothered to show you. You have no idea even now.

Your son, even at his tender age, is far more perceptive than perhaps you give him credit for. He probably wants to do all his homework so he can do well in exams, get a well paid job from that and continue to look after you in his adulthood (and that is not his responsibility). He truly deserves a better childhood and life going forward as do you but you have to truly believe that for your own self.

@Cantdecideaway -- I know that's what he said, and it is an important distinction, except that... we tend to leave a lot of things unsaid, don't we? Especially in families?

What I mean is that it's all quite normal for you, after a lifetime of it, so what you accept as an improvement still sounds rather grim.

He’d have to change schools, make new friends etc. And I’m fine really. I can “suck it up” for him.

I hope your son isn't sensing that you're using him as an excuse not to act. As the child of a mum who "stayed for the sake of the kids," it still messes me up half a century later.

It seems that you can see the problem very clearly, but hesitate to do anything about it. I promise you that life will improve fior you and your son if you find the courage to escape this gilded cage!

@Alcemeg - thanks so much for your perspective, I really appreciate it. I really hope I’m not messing things up for my son in future. I’m really trying to put his needs right at the centre of things, and really I want to make the right decision for him, first and foremost, even more so than I do for me. Hence the reason I want to take the time to think carefully and consider other perspectives, before making too hasty a decision that impacts on him and is irretrievable. I assure you, I’m not hesitating unduly, I’m just taking time to consider what will probably be one of the most significant decisions of my life. Genuinely though, I’m grateful to you for your perspective, and i really hope my son is unaware that he forms part of any decision making I’m doing.

You're in an incredibly difficult situation, OP. I really didn't mean to suggest you're not prioritising your son's needs. I just mean that because you've been stuck in this relationship for so long, you might not have considered how much "protecting" your son from the "damage" of a split might be a skewed way of looking at it.

Gaaaahhhh!!! Posting in haste and putting things badly... and meant to say, I also didn't mean to suggest your "hesitation" is silly. I completely understand it. I just want to give you a big gentle shove 😉 because life really doesn't have to be so joyless. Your son can visualise a happier future for you. You find it harder to imagine, because you've never really known it; but he is right, and you deserve it. x

@Alcemeg - thank you for taking the time to put things more gently, and what you’re saying makes absolute sense. Thanks for recognising how delicate I’m feeling at the moment! Everyone who’s posted on here, including you, has been very kind.

I’ve only given you all one perspective though, mine. Do you think if you heard his perspective there could be a way this situation could be improved by me changing/acting differently?

Just checking?

Perhaps take a day trip, with your DS, to an area that you may have to re-locate to. Let the idea/possibility of this being your new home become a little more real to you both. Nobody can say if your life would be better or not if you left..I presume there will be positive and negative aspects to that decision whatever you decide. Don't procrastinate for too long but don't jump ship too quickly either. This is a life changing crossroads for you all so think it through carefully and plan things methodically to make this transition run as smoothly as possible.

OP,
I honestly don't believe how conditioned you are if your child suggesting you find another man, other than his father.

THAT is astonishing and tells you 100% that your son is enormously impacted by the environment he lives in.

Poor little pet.
He sounds like a wonderful boy.

Do it for HIM, if not yourself.

@billy1966 he is wonderful. I love him with all my heart. To be honest he was suggesting it for my sake but he is indifferent towards his dad. It’s all so sad. I can’t believe I’m here in this situation.