Can’t decide whether I should leave previously controlling relationship

[Cantdecideaway]

I’ve been on MN a long time and have been trawling the relationships threads, amongst others, for a while, whilst trying to decide what to do about my situation.

I’ve been with my husband for 19 years, we met at school. Married for 11 years. We have a 10 year old son. My dad was exceptionally controlling, narcissistic and abusive and so moving out and in with my husband felt like a breath of fresh air! However, in the past couple of years I’ve come to recognise that he has been very controlling as well (used to refuse to allow me to talk to men, see friends of my own, pursue my own hobbies/interests etc).

As I’ve come to realise how unreasonable he’s been, I’ve been working through these issues with him and, to his credit, he’s recognised a need to change, and has been having therapy for the past year. He is no longer controlling of me although he is still very insecure.

However, I’ve come to realise, he contributes nothing to my life. He is pleasant enough and isn’t unkind to me, however I do all of the housework, mental load, parenting, caring for our animals, etc. The only thing he contributes is a paycheque. I feel like if he wasn’t there, things would be just the same, but with half the income. I wouldn’t miss him, I don’t think.

All of this is making me feel like I don’t love him, and perhaps I should leave. My son has been saying the same to me; we are very close and I think he has a good understanding of the situation. I would never burden him with this dilemma and have always reassured him that things are fine between me and my husband, however he says things like “it would be no different if daddy wasn’t here”. He works away a lot and my son is never bothered if he’s away, doesn’t miss or pine for him.

So the question is, should I stay or go. The problem being, I read so many threads on here about such awful men and I think, at least my husband is pleasant and reliable, would never cheat, earns a stable wage and doesn’t hurt us. But at the same time, it all feels hollow. I don’t love him and I don’t think to be honest he loves me. I feel really lonely. But I don’t want to leave only to find I’m even lonelier.

Sorry, that’s a long story. I have no one to turn to for advice as I am very low contact with my parents and my husband’s past behaviour has managed to ensure I don’t have any friends. Can anyone offer some perspective please?

I reread "Why does he do that" and have decided my husband is "the demand man"

While I meet all his needs and make no demands of him or efforts to meet my own needs - he's lovely to me.

Anyway - I made some fairly decisive moves in terms of finding us another place to live today...fingers very tightly crossed...got two other phone calls I need to make tomorrow.

I'm glad you've recognised you deserve far better.

Onwards and upwards

So, @Alcemeg, here I am with a different name. I think of you most days and of how you reframed my view of life. There are three more weeks until I move out of our marital home and I am incredibly excited but also scared of how it will go down.

I wanted you to know how influential you’ve been and how you’ve helped shape the future of my life. I’m looking forward to telling you about the future when I’m all on my own with my child and I’m happy.

@Dontknowwhatnametouse

So, *@Alcemeg*, here I am with a different name. I think of you most days and of how you reframed my view of life. There are three more weeks until I move out of our marital home and I am incredibly excited but also scared of how it will go down.

I wanted you to know how influential you’ve been and how you’ve helped shape the future of my life. I’m looking forward to telling you about the future when I’m all on my own with my child and I’m happy.

Oh my goodness, @Dontknowwhatnametouse -- what an amazing message, thank you so much!

I'm so excited for your future and if I've had any influence on you finding the impetus to build a happier new life for yourself, then I'm honoured. But you must take all the credit for the courage.

This means a lot to me not just because I'm pleased for you, but also because I am writing a book (I completed Draft 1 and got part way through Draft 2) -- a fictionalized novel about how it feels to go through this process. The nuts and bolts of gaining awareness of a situation like this and doing something about it. I gave up writing it a few months ago because I decided I had nothing to say of value to anyone. I can't quite believe that my random posts helped you so much, but if they did, that makes me think I shouldn't give up on the writing just yet. Thank you

Oh my gosh, yes, you must finish your book. You’ve made such a difference to my life already, in just a few short weeks. I haven’t been back because it’s been a whirlwind of life admin. But I move on to my new narrowboat very soon and I Am SO EXCITED. My child has really opened up about how they really feel about time with my husband and this has cemented to me that it’s the right decision. Thank you so much for all you’ve done for us both.

Also, @Alcemeg and anyone else. I changed my wonderful, sparky and honourable beautiful daughter to a son for this thread, just in case it was uncovered. But I do her a dishonour in doing this. She’s my fantastic daughter and I am so proud of her bravery and strong moral compass through this all. Everything I do, it is for her.

A narrowboat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😍😍😍😍😍😍

No wonder you're excited, what an amazing start to the adventure of your future life.

How wonderful, about your child. I'm so glad. I wish my mum and I could have opened up like that to each other. It brings joy to my heart to think I might have had some part to play in the honesty you can now enjoy with each other.

I have actually done a screenshot of your message and set it as an Outlook reminder to prompt me to do a little bit more writing each day. I had completely lost the heart for it. Maybe it's worth doing after all.

There will be tough times ahead, no doubt about that, but I think as time goes on you will gain confidence in your choice. WELL DONE!!!!!!!

@Dontknowwhatnametouse

Also, *@Alcemeg* and anyone else. I changed my wonderful, sparky and honourable beautiful daughter to a son for this thread, just in case it was uncovered. But I do her a dishonour in doing this. She’s my fantastic daughter and I am so proud of her bravery and strong moral compass through this all. Everything I do, it is for her.

💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗

You're setting her a wonderful example.

What a wonderful update, so happy for you 🥳🥳

@Alcemeg - I grew up living on boats with my abusive father. I swore, never again. But this feels like the ultimate full circle. My daughter is so excited. She is the one who inspired this and along with your healthy dose of cruel kindness and realism, you’ve both changed my life. Please keep writing. If you can just change one more person’s life, it’s worth it. I feel like I owe you a hug. If not more. I’m so grateful to you.

Here’s our new home 😍

@Dontknowwhatnametouse

Here’s our new home 😍

Wowowowowwwww!!!!! I think I'm nearly as excited as you are!

There is a kind of poetry in things coming full circle and you getting to live this longboat life on your own terms, this time.

Wishing you and your daughter every happiness in your new home!

Thank you @Alcemeg - I’ll come back and update you when we’re eventually home 😊

@Alcemeg - I used to work for a publishing company and I’m a cracking proofreader, if I do say so myself ☺️ Let me know if you need one. I’d be honoured.

I'm of the opinion that it's really pretty simple.

There are good people and bad people in this world and I choose to surround myself with good ones and remove the bad.

Bad sorts are easy to see because they display consistently crappy behaviour and their motivations are selfish and sometimes even sadistic nature.

Good people make mistakes and sometimes do bad things. But they are a world apart from bad people. Because they have empathy, compassion and love.

Remove bad people from your life. Choose to have people around you who will lift you up, not drag you down into the darkness.