Can’t decide whether I should leave previously controlling relationship

[Cantdecideaway]

I’ve been on MN a long time and have been trawling the relationships threads, amongst others, for a while, whilst trying to decide what to do about my situation.

I’ve been with my husband for 19 years, we met at school. Married for 11 years. We have a 10 year old son. My dad was exceptionally controlling, narcissistic and abusive and so moving out and in with my husband felt like a breath of fresh air! However, in the past couple of years I’ve come to recognise that he has been very controlling as well (used to refuse to allow me to talk to men, see friends of my own, pursue my own hobbies/interests etc).

As I’ve come to realise how unreasonable he’s been, I’ve been working through these issues with him and, to his credit, he’s recognised a need to change, and has been having therapy for the past year. He is no longer controlling of me although he is still very insecure.

However, I’ve come to realise, he contributes nothing to my life. He is pleasant enough and isn’t unkind to me, however I do all of the housework, mental load, parenting, caring for our animals, etc. The only thing he contributes is a paycheque. I feel like if he wasn’t there, things would be just the same, but with half the income. I wouldn’t miss him, I don’t think.

All of this is making me feel like I don’t love him, and perhaps I should leave. My son has been saying the same to me; we are very close and I think he has a good understanding of the situation. I would never burden him with this dilemma and have always reassured him that things are fine between me and my husband, however he says things like “it would be no different if daddy wasn’t here”. He works away a lot and my son is never bothered if he’s away, doesn’t miss or pine for him.

So the question is, should I stay or go. The problem being, I read so many threads on here about such awful men and I think, at least my husband is pleasant and reliable, would never cheat, earns a stable wage and doesn’t hurt us. But at the same time, it all feels hollow. I don’t love him and I don’t think to be honest he loves me. I feel really lonely. But I don’t want to leave only to find I’m even lonelier.

Sorry, that’s a long story. I have no one to turn to for advice as I am very low contact with my parents and my husband’s past behaviour has managed to ensure I don’t have any friends. Can anyone offer some perspective please?

Thanks @Alcemeg. I’m not feeling quite as jubilant! Despite knowing this is the right decision, I’m feeling really low and sad at the moment. I know this will pass and I will feel better when this is all over - but right now I feel so alone. I can’t tell anyone yet because I need to stay put here until the end of the year. It’s a hard truth to hold on to alone.

Thanks everyone who has been so kind to me.

It's going to be the toughest thing you've ever done, but it will be so worthwhile, I promise you.

I think other posters have done a great job of supporting you OP, just a practical tip from me:

You write very nicely and clearly have strong written English skills, when I need extra "treat" money I do online transcription work which pays into PayPal (yes I pay my taxes on it before anyone starts). For me it's a good way of having a "fun fund" that I don't touch from my main account, but I imagine it might work equally well for a "fuck off fund" or just for you to pay for those treats you're worrying about once you move.

And it can be done with headphones on in the evenings when your son is abed.

@Yesitsbess - thanks for your compliments there! I did some transcription online years ago when my son was tiny, but had completely forgotten about it, so thanks for the reminder! I’ll check it out and see what’s available.

They're absolutely sincere. Get your headphones on and get typing

@Alcemeg

It's going to be the toughest thing you've ever done, but it will be so worthwhile, I promise you.

I absolutely second this

But the reward is way beyond worth the inconvenience and discomfort

Remember that the anticipation of fear is worse Than the actual thing itself

We are ALL here for you! Remember this, you’re not alone and we understand what you’re going through

Never ever lose faith in that January afternoon snuggled on your own sofa

That’s your goal. (((Hug)))

That’s funny! I did transcription too when I was first ‘free’ for an inventory company

[quote Cantdecideaway]@mzhz - you’re probably right. Maybe I won’t waste my breath. I didn’t let him make it into an argument earlier - I just let him tell me exactly how I was in the wrong and then just calmly walked off. He was satisfyingly wrong footed by my lack of grovelling![/quote]
Well done! You successfully deployed "the grey rock".

Thanks everyone.

I wasn’t as grown up as I thought I was and I did pick it up with him again later when my son was in bed. He told me that I was in the wrong for planning an activity without him on a weekend day, and for staying longer than agreed. I told him how that made me feel, stifled and controlled, and he couldn’t really explain why he was in the right but just kept saying “ok. You’re wrong”

HE’S FUCKING WRONG

I wasted my time and energy trying to get him to see that. How bloody stupid.

@Cantdecideaway

I wasted my time and energy trying to get him to see that. How bloody stupid.

Lovely, don’t beat yourself up! I wasted hours, days for years trying to explain why he was making my life miserable and I was pathetically asking for him to just stop being mean. I wasn’t even asking for as much as him to be nice…

They never get any better, only worse. Even if you could put up with what they’re like now, he’s not going to stick at that level, he’ll keep tightening the screws

You know this. I wish I was wrong, but I’m not sadly.

Now you know what to do.

The next few months are going to be hard. You won’t have The same patience, you won’t be so focussed on complying and he will pick up on this. Take precautions to make sure you don’t get pg, make an emergency plan- you shouldn’t need it, but just in case. Get all important documents in a safe place as a starting point.

This time next year… think about the future and how settled you’ll be and don’t allow yourself to be diverted. ((Hug))

Thanks @MzHz, that’s really helpful advice. I’m already taking steps to make sure he can’t access things I can.

I was in the wrong for planning an activity without him on a weekend day, and for staying longer than agreed.

Well oh dear! I'm afraid the only answer to that is "You are a fucking FREAK and I shouldn't have married you," but of course you'll have to bite your tongue until it's safe to go.

Longer than agreed, my arse. Agreed with who? Longer than you agreed with yourself, certainly, because it's not how you planned it; but is there some kind of contract you had to sign before being permitted to leave the house alone?!

Glad you are clearer now and can start saving your energy for the way forward.

Hahaha you’re so right @Alcemeg and I actually said almost that to him this morning! My watch vibrated with a phone notification and he went off on a big rant about how rude and antisocial phone notifications are because they take people’s attention away from people they’re with. (We were just sat in the same room doing different things!). After he’d had a good rant about how RUDE people were who had watch notifications, I calmly picked my phone up and turned off my watch notifications. He then said “you don’t have to do that! It’s just my opinion…” and I said “yeah but you’re the one I married aren’t you” and walked out 🤣

Counting the days…

Thanks for helping me see things for how they really are

Look at you go!

@Cantdecideaway

Hahaha you’re so right *@Alcemeg* and I actually said almost that to him this morning! My watch vibrated with a phone notification and he went off on a big rant about how rude and antisocial phone notifications are because they take people’s attention away from people they’re with. (We were just sat in the same room doing different things!). After he’d had a good rant about how RUDE people were who had watch notifications, I calmly picked my phone up and turned off my watch notifications. He then said “you don’t have to do that! It’s just my opinion…” and I said “yeah but you’re the one I married aren’t you” and walked out 🤣

If have switched MORE notifications on

Although my oh (who’s lovely) really hates pings and tings but that’s cos he’s the boss so he has other people to do stuff, I’ve got a lot of plates spinning and sometimes I need to have a notification or if miss something important

You’re seeing what’s really there before you, this will help you (it’ll drive you batshit angry too, but breathe through it, it won’t last long and will come to an end when he’s out of your life.

Yes, you’re right, now I see things for what they really are they are far more infuriating and I think mainly because I realise I’ve been putting up with so much shit for so long.

I wasted hours, days for years trying to explain why he was making my life miserable and I was pathetically asking for him to just stop being mean

You and me both, and every other victim of a selfish, self-absorbed, controlling and/or narcissistic man!

The fundamental problem is that we, as normal, decent human beings, simply cannot comprehend WHY someone who professes to love you and who has chosen to share his life with you, would then go and treat that person so abominably.

Reading Lundy Bancroft's book (WHY DOES HE DO THAT) may she'd some light...

I read that years ago with my dad in mind. Will take another look

Panicking now about how he’ll play this out, knowing him well…I’m worried he’ll push for 50:50 custody, despite the fact I know from hypothetical conversations with my son that he’d hate that…he has really significant separation anxiety from me. But if he can get 50:50 custody he can keep the house, whereas anything less than 50:50 and he’ll have to move out…

Also worried that if I pushed for more than 50:50 which is what I’d want, he would try and find a way to sabotage that, either by collecting him from school when it wasn’t supposed to be his day, or by poisoning his mind against me somehow or trying to manipulate him to like me less.

I don’t think I could cope if I didn’t have the majority of the time with my son. And I don’t think he could cope without me either. We’ve talked it through hypothetically (although I was more serious than he realised!) in the context of a Jacqueline Wilson book he was reading, and he said he would always want to be with me. (Shockingly, he said he’d only want to see his dad once a year, on his birthday - and I think he means that!)

Is he currently providing the same amount of childcare that you do? No, I thought not...

No point scaring yourself or imagining all kinds of horrible scenarios. Talk to an experienced family lawyer and go from there.

He’s being so nice to me! Making me doubt myself. I know this is part of what’s to be expected. But it’s hard.

@Cantdecideaway

He’s being so nice to me! Making me doubt myself. I know this is part of what’s to be expected. But it’s hard.

You just have to keep reminding yourself "this is the cycle of abuse" . He's not being nice, he's using manipulation to control you.

Leaving is absolutely the right thing to do and I'm so glad to see that you're planning to get away from him. So so glad.

Is the amount of childcare provided prior to the split taken into account when agreeing future custody?