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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help. I'm on a date. I've read a text about me...

384 replies

doesthiscomewithfries · 13/08/2021 21:01

I'm on a forth date with a guy. He's cooking. Left me in charge of his phone for Spotify.

It's not an iPhone. I don't know what I'm doing. I get out of the app. I panic. Hit another button. Whatsapp. It's a chat with a friend of his where he's detailing what we got up to on our last date.

Also scrolling back. I'm half a bottle of wine down. He says he might not see me again as I'm not his type.

Sooooo. What do I do now. I feel like crap.

OP posts:
Original poster
doesthiscomewithfries · 14/08/2021 13:55

@midsomermurderess

Back to black: someone with no previous posting history, Friday evening, 3 posts, thoroughly unlikely scenario, never, and clearly no intention of coming back. Can you work out what has been going on here? Why this has descended in to a piss take? Go on, give it a go.

MN - why doesn't the op return?

Also MN - clearly the ops a troll, it's bullshit, it's her own fault she's drunk, she's lying about using her phone and now she's off having sloppy seconds sausage sarnie.

@midsomermurderess I'd check your advance search if I were you. I've posted under this name before. But any doubts I'm sure MN could set you straight on the many years I've been here.

OP posts:
Whatnext2018 · 14/08/2021 13:58

So..what happened? Is all ok

Backtoblack1 · 14/08/2021 14:00

Are you ok? Ignore the horrid comments. X

midsomermurderess · 14/08/2021 14:01

Advance search, for this?

AlexisRoseBoop · 14/08/2021 14:01

How did your evening go?

midsomermurderess · 14/08/2021 14:02

And yes, ignore the horrid comments, you sound lovely OP.

category12 · 14/08/2021 14:16

@doesthiscomewithfries So come on then, spill.

SixesAndEights · 14/08/2021 14:21

What happened OP? Are you okay?

LoverOfLight · 14/08/2021 14:24

Omg gross. You don't owe anyone explanations, I'd abandon this thread now if I were you. Sure it will be a shame to leave all this female solidarity behind Hmm

Backtoblack1 · 14/08/2021 14:32

Agree with you there LoverOfLight x

SnatchCassidy · 14/08/2021 14:48

So that's that then. Nothing happened.

midsomermurderess · 14/08/2021 14:54

She goes to a blokes' house, while he's cooking up Babette's feast, she goes through his phone, doesn't like what she reads, skulks in the bathroom, is advised to call it quits and go home. No further word from her. Much heavy breathing, over excitement, completely unwarranted worst-case scenario fantasising on here. Up she pops, clearly unscathed. Where in the name of God does 'female solidarity' come in to it? Man dodged a bullet, as the saying goes, if this is how she behaves when she finds out someone isn't that in to her.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/08/2021 14:59

"but I don't understand all the insinuations that he is now dangerous when he wasn't before.

Men can, and do, turn when faced with rejection."

But she could reject him at any point in the evening so I don't understand the panic now. It's not like she's found a dead body so now he has to kill her too.

SnatchCassidy · 14/08/2021 15:06

@midsomermurderess

She goes to a blokes' house, while he's cooking up Babette's feast, she goes through his phone, doesn't like what she reads, skulks in the bathroom, is advised to call it quits and go home. No further word from her. Much heavy breathing, over excitement, completely unwarranted worst-case scenario fantasising on here. Up she pops, clearly unscathed. Where in the name of God does 'female solidarity' come in to it? Man dodged a bullet, as the saying goes, if this is how she behaves when she finds out someone isn't that in to her.
What about the sandwich 🥪? Does it have a happy ending?
QueenBee52 · 14/08/2021 15:19

@doesthiscomewithfries

as long as you are okay..

people were concerned about your getting home safely 🌸

thedancingbear · 14/08/2021 15:19

@midsomermurderess

She goes to a blokes' house, while he's cooking up Babette's feast, she goes through his phone, doesn't like what she reads, skulks in the bathroom, is advised to call it quits and go home. No further word from her. Much heavy breathing, over excitement, completely unwarranted worst-case scenario fantasising on here. Up she pops, clearly unscathed. Where in the name of God does 'female solidarity' come in to it? Man dodged a bullet, as the saying goes, if this is how she behaves when she finds out someone isn't that in to her.
One thing I struggle with is (despite it being common advice on MN), OPs never 'just go through their DP/BF's phone'.

It's always 'he asked me to work his spotify' or 'i looked at his messages accidentally thinking one was for me' or 'I had to use his phone to ring 999 as an an angry tapir had escaped and he was unconscious'. In other words, it's always bullshit.

If people think they might not like what they find, then they shouldn't go through others' private messages. It's cuntish.

midsomermurderess · 14/08/2021 15:30

Oh, it's always an accident, bear.

And I am sick of being scolded for not 'supporting' behaviour because it's a woman. Not just going through this bloke's phone, but the juvenile sulking in the bathroom, asking strangers on the internet as if you're 14, cooking up a whole ambience of jeopardy. Pick your stuff and leave. Why are so many women on this site incapable of acting like competent, functioning adults? What on earth has happened to infantilise women so much?

LoverOfLight · 14/08/2021 15:47

@midsomermurderess

OP posts asking for advice as she's on a date and the situation has become uncomfortable. OP gets reassurance she should leave, carries on with her crappy night. Posters then proceed to pre-emptively berate the OP as well as hypothetically victim blame her over anything that may happen.

Plenty of poking fun at the idea (despite her clearly expressing that she was uncomfortable and that he was offering more wine after her saying she would like to leave) of her having stayed over and slept with him anyway. And a nice sprinkling of troll hunting because others can't possibly imagine how another woman could be so stupid and not know how to deal with it. Plus the cherry on top of the sprinkles obvs, hounding her to spill the beans after she's come back and updated.

No one is asking you to support an individual's behaviour because they are a woman. Of course going through the guy's phone was wrong. But that's not just what people were saying was it. Some of the way women, like you, have reacted to the OP though is foul.

midsomermurderess · 14/08/2021 15:56

It's just nonsense, the whole thing, and unhealthy the way people get so sucked in to posts on here. So many people addicted to drama and yes, infantalising themselves and other women.

Lovelybottom · 14/08/2021 16:50

Are you ok @midsomermurderess?

OP, I hope it all worked out and you're not too hungover. How hurtful to read that.

I was once using a boyfriend (serious relationship)s laptop and when I went looking for a document I had previously been working on he told me to type my name into the search bar as he had set up a folder for me. I did, a few files popped up, I clicked the first one and it took me a while to register what I was reading; it was a conversation that automatically saved on some messaging programme (this was many years ago). As it started to make sense, I could feel my heart racing and wanted to throw up. It was a few years old, he was talking to a guy he knew through work that he looked up to. He was obviously trying to impress him, the guy asked him who was he going out to dinner with, he used my name and then said some very chauvinistic things about me and shared intimate details. I couldn't move past it, even when people were telling me I was being ridiculous, it was a private conversation etc, he didn't know me well then, it was trivial in the grander scheme of things. But I couldn't shake it off.

MakemeaCake · 14/08/2021 17:14

What an utterly bizarre thread.

The OP comes back after leaving everyone panting to know the next instalment.

But she doesn't say a word, only check out her posting history.

@doesthiscomewithfries

You do know that some posters here were genuinely worried for you.

KurtWilde · 14/08/2021 17:19

I don't understand the hysteria on this thread. At no point did OP say she was frightened or felt uncomfortable, she was just peeved that the man she was seeing had told a mate he wasn't sure he was into her. Somehow some of you have turned it into something way different Confused

thedancingbear · 14/08/2021 17:23

@KurtWilde

I don't understand the hysteria on this thread. At no point did OP say she was frightened or felt uncomfortable, she was just peeved that the man she was seeing had told a mate he wasn't sure he was into her. Somehow some of you have turned it into something way different Confused
Yep. The only person who has behaved badly is the OP, who has decided to have a cheeky rummage through her new beau's phone. Sounds like he's dodged a bullet.
Mookie81 · 14/08/2021 17:53

@Lovelybottom

Are you ok *@midsomermurderess*?

OP, I hope it all worked out and you're not too hungover. How hurtful to read that.

I was once using a boyfriend (serious relationship)s laptop and when I went looking for a document I had previously been working on he told me to type my name into the search bar as he had set up a folder for me. I did, a few files popped up, I clicked the first one and it took me a while to register what I was reading; it was a conversation that automatically saved on some messaging programme (this was many years ago). As it started to make sense, I could feel my heart racing and wanted to throw up. It was a few years old, he was talking to a guy he knew through work that he looked up to. He was obviously trying to impress him, the guy asked him who was he going out to dinner with, he used my name and then said some very chauvinistic things about me and shared intimate details. I couldn't move past it, even when people were telling me I was being ridiculous, it was a private conversation etc, he didn't know me well then, it was trivial in the grander scheme of things. But I couldn't shake it off.

That's nothing the same as a bloke saying 'I'm not sure about someone' Hmm. @midsomermurderess completely agree with everything you've said, I see it on 90% of threads on here.
ladyamy · 14/08/2021 17:59

depends what you want really. are you looking for a ONS/FWB type thing?

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