Help. I'm on a date. I've read a text about me...

[doesthiscomewithfries]

I'm on a forth date with a guy. He's cooking. Left me in charge of his phone for Spotify.

It's not an iPhone. I don't know what I'm doing. I get out of the app. I panic. Hit another button. Whatsapp. It's a chat with a friend of his where he's detailing what we got up to on our last date.

Also scrolling back. I'm half a bottle of wine down. He says he might not see me again as I'm not his type.

Sooooo. What do I do now. I feel like crap.

I think most people know what the Whatsapp icon looks like, no matter the phone being used. And then once the app is open it only shows the first line of the thread.

So you clicked open a whole conversation and scrolled back and read it.

He may not be into you, but you also crossed a line here.

Oh how lovely to way up from a nice Saturday morning lie in to a good bit of victim blaming and internalized misogyny rhetoric.

Don't tell women what words they can and can't use to describe themselves sis, she was making a point on the societal views of women who aren't nice and demure and accepting.

Also in defence of the OP, I have mistakenly opened WhatsApp instead of Spotify, they're both green and pretty close to each other on my phone.

Following as curious to know if the OP stayed or legged it? Have to say the one thing that really stands out, is if he shared intimate details with his friend. Wrong!

Also in defence of the OP, I have mistakenly opened WhatsApp instead of Spotify, they're both green and pretty close to each other on my phone. it’s not the opening of WhatsApp, it’s the fact the OP scrolled through his entire conversation. There is no way to do that accidentally.

@AlternativePerspective this is true.

I hope OP got out straight after her last message, but it's worrying that she hasn't updated.

If he was cooking for her at his home, sex would have been on the cards, whether they'd slept together before or not.

Being drunk by 9pm and being poured more wine makes me worry for OP.

Also, OP telling him that she'd read this messages - this gives him power.

I wish she'd have just feigned illness and got out of there without feeling like she owed him an explanation.

@AlternativePerspective on my Samsung you can tap a button and it'll swap windows with the last one open - so if the last app he used was WhatsApp and closed it without actually backing out of the conversation, it could possibly have happened and opened straight into the chat. The stars would seriously have to aligned for it to happen like that though!

F

@Biancadelrioisback

Suggestions above seem a bit drastic! You don't always end up with 'your type' and not everyone is sure when they first meet someone if they're the right partner for them. A lot of dating is exploring each other and deciding if it's worth progressing.

Personally I'd see through the rest of the date but certainly not sleep with him (if it's on the cards) and just see how it goes.

If you like him and he likes you, relationship will progress nicely. If he's just after an easy shag, hell lose interest.

This

@LoverOfLight

Oh how lovely to way up from a nice Saturday morning lie in to a good bit of victim blaming and internalized misogyny rhetoric.

Don't tell women what words they can and can't use to describe themselves sis, she was making a point on the societal views of women who aren't nice and demure and accepting.

The only victim here who's being blamed is this man. He had the audacity to say he was unsure if the OP was his type.

That according to some posters makes him dangerous and the poster 'vulnerable'. He is allegedly a potential rapist or about to be violent.

Rather than her being someone who puts herself at risk possibly, by getting drunk (and that means anywhere not just a man's house).

That's is NOT victim blaming, it's telling women to not get drunk!

But basically, I question the reactions of a woman who reaches for Mumsnet when she finds a text like she did on a phone.

Astounded by some of the responses on here - nothing was said that indicated he was violent or creepy, there's absolutely nothing wrong with saying someone is not your type when chatting with a friend in the early days, lots of people say something like that and it's perfectly possible for him to have a female friend and not be wanting to sleep with her!

He didn't do anything wrong but the OP did - saying it was an honest mistake? You scrolled back in the chat, that's not ok. Can't believe the number of people acting as if he is some kind of monster!

I hope OP got out straight after her last message, but it's worrying that she hasn't updated. no it isn’t. She was a first time poster. It’s highly unlikely she would even think to go back to a thread on a site she’d never been to before.

Aside from that, posters need to get over this notion that people owe them an update.

People post snapshots of their lives here. If you reply then great, but that doesn’t mean they owe you anything. We’re all just names on a screen.

And anyone bumping the thread or losing sleep with worry frankly needs to think about stepping away from the internet.

Wow, this thread is seriously nuts. The over-reactions are unbelievable. The op was posting clearly, coherently and logically so she wasn’t actually that drunk and should have been well capable of taking care of herself and extricating herself from an awkward situation.

Sounds like he just wanted to get you drunk enough to stick around for a shag. And op most likely drunk more wine and fell right into the trap.

If his text is genuine she will most likely get ghosted after this date and feel horrible for letting him sleep with her.

Or on the flip side he told his female "friend" that because he is keeping himself available to her.

This is all a recipe for disaster.

This is NOT victim blaming, it's telling women to not get drunk!

That's victim blaming.

It's actually a really simple concept. I could be dancing round naked and drunk as fuck in this man's house and if he has sex with my that is still his fault.

It is up to men not to rape. If you operate on that principle, literally nothing else matters.

The man is not a victim because people are asking if she is okay. No one is going to this man's house or sending him messaging online saying "I know you're probably going to rape this woman you evil man."

Most rape is not down a dark alley. And also, not all rape is about explicit lack or consent. Have the seen the "implication" meme from Always Sunny? Some men do operate this way.

"All men are potential rapists" is not some man hating feminazi sentiment. It is not stating that all men have the capacity to rape. It is stating that a woman doesn't know if the man whose company she is in is part of the 1% or whatever statistic is accurate of men who would be willing to do something.

The fact that you feel the need to argue all of these points to the contrary is very victim blamey even if you are not meaning to be, sorry.

Sorry that should obviously say if he has sex with me without my consent

FWIW I do find a lot of this thread in poor taste. A lot of people are clearly annoyed the OP has not come back to update them and have resorted to either saying she can't be serious or victim blamingly accusing her of having stayed the night or proceeded to get drunk, with absolutely no reason to believe that!

It's just painful to see victim blaming ideas in general for a lot of people, as those situations are such common events in peoples own trauma, and there are so many victims of SA out there who are constantly thinking along the lines of, if only I hadn't had that drink, I shouldn't have smiled at him, I did go with him so it's all my fault. It's disgusting please don't feed into that.

Hope you got out and got home safely.

@LoverOfLight I have two children, now adults. One son, one daughter, now in their 30s.

I have encouraged and supported BOTH of them to never put themselves at risk by getting drunk.

You are confusing two very different things.

If men become violent, whether it's against other men, or women, they are in the wrong, clearly.

BUT it is also irresponsible of either gender to use drink or drugs so they put themselves at risk, whether on a date, walking out at night, or on the train or tube etc.

Everyone is responsible for their own actions, not the actions of others.

Cautioning people to make sure they are in control is not condoning the bad behaviour of others and it's definitely not blaming them if they happen to be victims of sexual or violent crime.

And FWIW, men are statistically more vulnerable and likely to be the victims of violent crime / muggings etc , than women.

@AlternativePerspective

What a load of hysteria.

So the man had a conversation, is that not allowed? Has no-one on here ever had a conversation you wouldn’t want someone else to read?

The only one in the wrong is the OP for thinking she had a right to snoop through his messages.

At least she had the foresight to join mn just so she could tell a load of randoms how she was in the toilet crying.

As for the ‘please let us know you’re safe,’ posters, get a bloody grip.

Someone talking sense at last, this thread is hilarious

I wonder what they had for dinner?

@MakemeaCake

‘And FWIW, men are statistically more vulnerable and likely to be the victims of violent crime / muggings etc , than women.’

Yes in the streets !!! But certainly NOT in the home!

Perhaps you can also tell us WHO is responsible for the majority of these attacks on men ?????

That’s right ! Men !!!

Women are by far more likely to be attacked in the domestic situations , females are the majority victims of domestic violence , sexual assault and date rape

And once again … who’s committing the VAST majority of this violence ??? Men !!!

In homes , in relationships and in dating ( which this thread is about ) women are the victims and men the perpetrators in most cases

So my question to you is …
What exactly is your point in telling us that in public spaces men are more likely to be the victims of other men ?

@SnatchCassidy

I wonder what they had for dinner?

And breakfast.