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Original poster

First date, he wants me to dress up

332 replies

LindaUK1971 · 13/08/2021 02:41

I have a first date in a long time this weekend. I’ve been speaking to the guy for a long time online and we’ve really hit it off.

We’ve arranged to meet this weekend but he’s asked me to wear a specific outfit. Is this normal? I’ve never heard of this before? Should I be worried?

OP posts:
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 08:13

He is telling you what to wear, already.

Absolutely do not meet this man, it is all about him and what he finds sexy and not about you at all. He is not interested in your feelings/tastes/choices only to get his rocks off, and could not care less about coming across as controlling or weird. Stay the hell away.

TableFlowerss · 13/08/2021 08:14

@knittingaddict

Not sure if I agree with your definition of a red flag TheFoundations. To me red flags are definitely behaviours by the other person. They are universally recognised behaviours that suggest abusive, misogynistic and controlling people, usually men. They can be your own feelings of course, but I think mostly it's certain behaviours that trigger those thoughts and feelings in those who understand abuse.

A weird phobia about Mars bars is not a red flag. It's just a sign that you're incompatible with someone. The Mars bar eater isn't automatically abusive.

Completely agree with this.
TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 13/08/2021 08:18

No. No no nope nope NOPE. Fucks sake that's why he's available.

He's been turned down more times than a hotel bedsheet and with good reason.

Part of getting to know someone is how they turn up to a date. If he's trying to control that at this stage.....

I arranged a date with a bloke and he turned up looking like an explosion in an old wardrobe and his trousers were not clean. I'm not fashionable but I managed clean ironed clothes. I didn't even have a drink with him. Have standards. High ones.

MistyFrequencies · 13/08/2021 08:18

Gross. No chance I'd go on the date with him.

SilverRoe · 13/08/2021 08:18

Saying you must wear something because he finds it sexy for the first time you ever meet him is nailing his colours to the mast for what he’s wanting from this date if you ask me. I’d find this intrusive and creepy and a red flag for being controlling but I would ALSO take it that he’s way too interested in my appearance and finding me sexy rather than wanting to meet and get to know me as a person. Obviously, most of us want to feel attracted to the people we go on dates with, but this seems way too appearance based for my taste. It all depends on how into the way you look you want a guy to be from the word go. Me? I’d always try to look nice for a first date but i’d be very wary of any stranger to me (which he is as you’ve not met yet) who wants me showing up looking ‘sexy’.

As for taking things as a compliment because someone is comfortable enough (or has so few boundaries) to insist on a sexy outfit a woman wears to meet them for the very first meet. - I bloody despair.

shesellsseacats · 13/08/2021 08:19

TheFoundations you're confusing red flags and triggers. Your post is correct if you substitute the word trigger where you've written red flag.

But red flags are not the same as triggers. They are signs of, for example, a person being a coercive controller and you may not even see them if you're unfamiliar with this kind of behaviour.

A red flag with my ex, was love bombing, for example. At the time I loved being made to feel.so wanted, it didn't trigger me in the slightest.

Looking back, it was a red flag that I could have recognised if only I'd known. I didn't have a clue back then though.

sadperson16 · 13/08/2021 08:21

Vile and a sign of things to come if you continue with this.

Confusedandshaken · 13/08/2021 08:22

You say it could be a language thing because he is not a native English speaker. It could also be a cultural thing - would you be happy with that sort of cultural difference?

To be it would be a massive red flag and I'd be inclined to tell him so and then block him. If you really like home you could try responding 'lols! I'm not a child who needs to be told how to dress! ' and see how he reacts.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 13/08/2021 08:25

Nah. Big no from me too. It is NOT a compliment to tell you what to wear.

I'm so happy we're doing What Does A MAN Think. I just loooove that. My mighty possessor of the penis of truth and wisdom's manpinion is he's a creepy fucker and you should cancel.

rainbowstardrops · 13/08/2021 08:25

That definitely wouldn't sit well with me!

sloutside · 13/08/2021 08:26

You say you feel weirded out.
Always always trust your gut.
Your gut is saying it's off so listen and cancel the date.

I think there is a communication issue as he's Polish and I'm English. But still a thought red flag with the way he asked.

Just wanted to comment on this for your benefit and for the benefit of others who might date someone who speaks another language.
Do not ever use communication issues in another language as some kind of excuse/reason to explain comments which you find weird or off in some way.
I moved to another country and learned another language. Sometimes my expressions were clunky or I used a word wrongly leading to a lot of hilarity, things like that BUT I did not have communication difficulties in the sense of repeatedly asking inappropriate questions; pushing issues when people clearly weren't interested etc.
I communicate the same in my other language as I do in English, it was the use of words and grammatical structures which caused problems.

If someone you date who speaks English as an additional language is asking things that make you uncomfortable or the things they say are throwing up red flags, do not put this down to a language problem.
They'd be exactly the same if they were speaking their own language.

FindTheTruth · 13/08/2021 08:26

"dictating clothing choices is controlling behaviour."
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3270263-PSA-reminder-about-Coercive-Control

"trying to control my clothing "
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/3839809-Emotional-abuse

sadperson16 · 13/08/2021 08:27

I have Polish friends, this has fuck all to do with culture or language.

No matter how poor the language a person could cobble together...

Will be great to see you, lets go for a walk and get a coffee.

MrsIsobelCrawley · 13/08/2021 08:27

The other way round it wouldn't be a red flag! If a woman before the first date says to the man, 'oh you must wear your glasses not your contacts! They are sexy!' We wouldn't be freaking out.

I would also see this a red flag. She hasn't even been on a first date with him and is telling him what to wear.

SixesAndEights · 13/08/2021 08:28

@LindaUK1971

Well I think he wants to get to know me too. But he kept on saying I must wear this blouse and skirt combo as it's so sexy.

I really like him (so far), but just seems odd to request this. Maybe I'm reading into it too much.

You know what you have to do.

Trust your instinct - the guy is a sleaze. This is only date number 1!

Shoxfordian · 13/08/2021 08:28

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Dodge the bullet op

WhiskeyGalore212 · 13/08/2021 08:28

This isn’t specific to the OP as we don’t know what she’s going to do, but from an outsiders perspective, I imagine that anyone that decided to meet him anyway, in the next 6 months would be in an abusive relationship and wondering how this happened.

This.

I don't understand all the posters encouraging op to go on a date and test him with a non "conforming" outfit.

He's already told you who he is.

What the point of getting involved, possibly feeling obligated, possibly getting manipulated, catching feelings etc.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 13/08/2021 08:29

@MrsIsobelCrawley

The other way round it wouldn't be a red flag! If a woman before the first date says to the man, 'oh you must wear your glasses not your contacts! They are sexy!' We wouldn't be freaking out.

I would also see this a red flag. She hasn't even been on a first date with him and is telling him what to wear.

I bloody would! It's never ok to tell someone what to wear.
IToldYouIWasFreaky · 13/08/2021 08:29

@putthebinsout

Huge red flag. I'm not sure it was a good idea to share your Facebook with him before even dating?
I was just about to say this. You haven't met this guy. As much as you've talked online and think you know each other, you're strangers. Swerve and block him on any social media you may have connected on.
jellybeans4 · 13/08/2021 08:31

TheFoundations pops up on every thread spouting that rubbish about red flags, they really don't understand what it is

Feelingmardy · 13/08/2021 08:33

@LindaUK1971

Well I think he wants to get to know me too. But he kept on saying I must wear this blouse and skirt combo as it's so sexy.

I really like him (so far), but just seems odd to request this. Maybe I'm reading into it too much.

You're not. It's creepy. I wouldn't meet him again.
HeronLanyon · 13/08/2021 08:34

Bloody hell op. I agree with most that this is awful. Awful for him to think he could or should even suggest what you wear and awful that he didn’t stop himself saying it.
I would think fine if it were a type of venue and you had asked ‘I’ve not been there before, how smart is it?’ And he had said something like ‘I’m wearing this, that black top you sometimes wear, or something like that would be the kind of place it is’

Good luck op b

imacuddler · 13/08/2021 08:34

So so much good advise on this thread.
Don't go op. Don't get in deeper with this man.
Spend your time on something/someone who is more worth your time.

Crowsaregreat · 13/08/2021 08:35

A normal person worries about what they will wear on a date, not what the other person will wear!

Ask if he'll wear an orange lycra all in one bodysuit for you as you find it sexy. Then block him.

FindTheTruth · 13/08/2021 08:36

"He controlled what I wear; he liked me to wear attractive and revealing clothes" survivorsforum.womensaid.org.uk/forums/topic/this-is-my-abuser/