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Original poster

First date, he wants me to dress up

332 replies

LindaUK1971 · 13/08/2021 02:41

I have a first date in a long time this weekend. I’ve been speaking to the guy for a long time online and we’ve really hit it off.

We’ve arranged to meet this weekend but he’s asked me to wear a specific outfit. Is this normal? I’ve never heard of this before? Should I be worried?

OP posts:
Worried234 · 13/08/2021 08:38

Nope, nope, nope.

HalzTangz · 13/08/2021 08:39

Without seeing the way he wrote the actual message I think it's hard to say for definately a red flag.

If he has seen pictures of the clothing and finds them attractive on you, then personally I see this as a compliment.

If however the wording was 'we are only having this date if you wear xyz' sure that's something I'd be saying cheerio too.

If the wording was ' I love that xyz' on you, looks great, sexy, etc, would love to see you in it sometime' then no I wouldn't say this screams red flag

QueenPeary · 13/08/2021 08:40

This bloke is looking for a woman who is biddable, wants a man at any cost and who he will have success in controlling. Most women would freak out and say no to this because it’s creepy and controlling, but he might find one who will do it and then he’s got a good candidate for a partner he can dominate and push around.

Just by doing it and / or agreeing to see him you’d be telling him “OK, being told what to wear isn’t a dealbreaker” and that’s what he needs to know. He may not consciously plan it out like that but by doing this he’s sorting women into those he can and can’t control.

He’s supposed to be meeting you to see if you hit it off and like each other, instead it’s about seeing if you’ll truss yourself up to please him.

Next!

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 13/08/2021 08:40

My family is Polish... it’s not a ‘cultural’ thing. You tell him to get to fuck OP.

MrsIsobelCrawley · 13/08/2021 08:42

It's one thing to say to a potential date 'I really loved that dress I saw you in, in your picture, I'd love to see you in it some time'. It's another thing entirely to say 'you must wear this blouse and that skirt because it is sexy and that's what I like'. How you dress is not about him, it's about you.

Even the first part would be enough to put me off before a first date.

liveforsummer · 13/08/2021 08:42

Ew no, I've made the mistake of not immediately blocking guys like this in the past. A lesson learned. This will be the tip of the iceberg- run!

Livandme · 13/08/2021 08:44

Delete and block.
Who does he think he is!!

mistermagpie · 13/08/2021 08:44

God no.

I mean, 'wear something comfortable as we are going to be hiking up a mountain if you're up for it?' fair enough, but beyond that he's being a creep.

liveforsummer · 13/08/2021 08:44

I think there is a communication issue as he's Polish and I'm English. But still a thought red flag with the way he asked.

Not a communication issue - the language of sleaze is international

MorganHunt · 13/08/2021 08:45

Not only is he showing signs of wanting to control you from the go, he is doing it so openly you must wonder why he isn't afraid to scare you away? Most men hide their worst sides because they are afraid to lose a girl.

He is either completely sure of you already or he sees you as someone insignificant whom he doesn't have to treat politely. No matter what, this is not healthy, languagebarriers or not.

HollowTalk · 13/08/2021 08:46

Can you tell us whether those particular clothes are revealing? Is it a low neck top and a short skirt?

sloutside · 13/08/2021 08:46

The other way round it wouldn't be a red flag! If a woman before the first date says to the man, 'oh you must wear your glasses not your contacts! They are sexy!' We wouldn't be freaking out

Eh?
That's just as weird.

OrlandointheWilderness · 13/08/2021 08:46

No man tells me what to wear. I wouldn't be going personally.

liveforsummer · 13/08/2021 08:47

@Danceswithwhippets you need to actually listen to what women are saying! It’s creepy and makes us uncomfortable.

This. Do men really think this shit is ok. Well it's true there are so many of them on OLD. It's depressing though.

HallieHufflepuff · 13/08/2021 08:47

Sorry OP, this is super weird and I'm thinking it's a red flag.
I suppose if you really wanted to, you could go and give him the BOTD but I would be very wary of how controlling he seems to be.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 13/08/2021 08:47

@Aquamarine1029

I hope you see this for what it is, and that's a warning shot. You have been forewarned. Don't meet this man.
this
Bawse · 13/08/2021 08:48

I’d find this very creepy.

TheFoundations · 13/08/2021 08:50

@knittingaddict

Not sure if I agree with your definition of a red flag TheFoundations. To me red flags are definitely behaviours by the other person. They are universally recognised behaviours that suggest abusive, misogynistic and controlling people, usually men. They can be your own feelings of course, but I think mostly it's certain behaviours that trigger those thoughts and feelings in those who understand abuse.

A weird phobia about Mars bars is not a red flag. It's just a sign that you're incompatible with someone. The Mars bar eater isn't automatically abusive.

I didn't say that the Mars bar eater is abusive. I said it's important to heed your own red flags, regardless of what the world tells you is or isn't a 'red flag' behaviour.

There are a set of behaviours that are abusive, absolutely. But you can put your own red flags anywhere you please. A worthy partner will respect them and be supportive of you, even if they're in unusual places. 'I'd like to understand more about this Mars bar thing, can we talk about it?', for example, rather than 'Don't be stupid, it's just a Mars bar.'

Recognising that you can have your own set of red flags that's different to everybody else's is to recognise your autonomy, your own personal boundaries, and the fact that, other than laws, there is no external set of rules for us to refer to, so we have to go on what we feel.

A weird phobia about Mars bars is not a red flag

I agree. Your feeling about your partners response to your phobia is.

Chickychickydodah · 13/08/2021 08:51

Nope. I agree with the others this is a major red flag.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 13/08/2021 08:52

Re red flags, and staying with the mars bar thing-

Having a bad reaction to someone eating a mars bar because your abuser ate them is not a red flag. It's a 'trigger'.

A red flag would be someone eating mars bars who demands that you eat them, refuses to accept that you don't want one and sulks or insults you for refusing, or someone who knows that mars bar eating distresses you and buys and eats them in front of you in order to upset you and laughs at you when you get upset and says things like oh it's only a mars bar, why are you being stupid?

If a behaviour causes a bad reaction in you due to your past trauma but is not in itself abusive (such as simply eating a mars bar) then it is in no way a red flag because red flags aren't your feelings about normal behaviours that they remind you of something traumatic in your life. They're another person's behaviours that are objectively indicators of an abusive nature.

DuchessOfDisaster · 13/08/2021 08:53

Don't meet him. Arrange to go out with friends instead and wear what the hell you like!

SStopRaisingHim · 13/08/2021 08:53

@LindaUK1971

Thanks all.

I think there is a communication issue as he's Polish and I'm English. But still a thought red flag with the way he asked.

It would be a big red flag for me & I would cancel but each to their own.

It’s just the first date and regardless of whether he’s purposely being controlling or not, surely he just wants to meet you because you have a connection & what you’re wearing is irrelevant?

GrandDuchessRomanov · 13/08/2021 08:55

More red flags than China.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 13/08/2021 08:55

A mars bar lover and someone with mars bar trauma wouldn't be a red flag situation. It would be an incompatibility.

MorganHunt · 13/08/2021 08:57

@HollowTalk

Can you tell us whether those particular clothes are revealing? Is it a low neck top and a short skirt?
Not to be rude, but I don't think its relevant if the clothes are revealing or not. He could demand she came dressed in a monk's habit and it would still be wrong. It is the very idea that he believes he can dictate her outfit.