First date, he wants me to dress up

[LindaUK1971]

I have a first date in a long time this weekend. I’ve been speaking to the guy for a long time online and we’ve really hit it off.

We’ve arranged to meet this weekend but he’s asked me to wear a specific outfit. Is this normal? I’ve never heard of this before? Should I be worried?

@MyOtherProfile

I would go, wear what I liked and if he said anything about me not wearing what he asked I would laugh and say no way, I thought you were joking or I'd have thought of something specific for you to wear too. If he says nothing and we have a nice time, great. If he does say something I would take that as proof he is weird and controlling.

this is what I would do. I'd need confirmation

@Cazzovuoi

*A man's point of view here. I don't think it's odd at all. Not a red flag in sight. I would see it as a kind of compliment -he likes what you*

Yeah it’s up there with catcalling and cornering us by the water cooler because we’re sexy. Urgh @Danceswithwhippets you need to actually listen to what women are saying! It’s creepy and makes us uncomfortable.

Fucking hell, this bloke has been scrutinising your photos, judged what you are wearing in each of them, and has decided that you look 'sexy' in a combo he wants to see you in?

And the 'man' among us doesn't see a problem in that? it's 'just a compliment'? How is it a compliment? Oh - like the wolf-whistling? Like 'oh giss a smile luv'? Or 'show us your tits' kind of compliment? Like we a re just a set of body parts for men to dress up/leer at/show off? Like we are only on this earth to be attractive to men?

THIS is how men think.

I was once asked to wear 50's shoes and dresses (and presumably waft through a flower-filled meadow) for a bloke. I turned up in jeans and boots. It wasn't really a 'date' TG, just a chat. He was a self-opinionated twat.

10 Ways to spot coercive control

1. Appearance - He controls her appearance by telling her what clothes to wear, how to style her hair or how she should use make up

www.dvact.org/post/how-to-spot-coercive-control

Had it been, wear a nice outfit because we’re going to a nice restaurant, that’s fine, or wear outdoor clothes, then that’s fine.

To wear a specific outfit, not fine.

Urgh. I once cancelled a first date with a man when he told me to 'wear something sexy'. Unless he'd booked something with a dress code, I decided I will be the judge of what to wear, thank you.

It gives the impression he is all about appearance, and quite controlling too. You're strangers at this point. If he told you much later on 'it was the pic with the skirt and blouse that really caught my eye, I would love to see you in it', I wouldn't have a problem but at this stage, he is telling a stranger what to wear. Not a compliment and entitled.

Doesn't matter if it's a cultural difference. I don't know Poland well so couldn't say. It's how it sits with you. Even if it is that, one of my best friends is a lovely man with whom we couldn't make a relationship work due to cultural differences. These types of differences are not just something to accept if they don't work for you (obv that works both ways for all involved).

First date ... Speaking online ...he’s asked me to wear a specific outfit.

"surveillance through apps or dictating what they wear."

www.theguardian.com/society/2015/dec/29/domestic-abuse-law-controlling-coercive-behaviour

@SpringlikeBunk

Nutcase - however much he ticks other boxes DO NOT meet. He’s “testing” every woman he meets to see who he can control 🤮

This person has it spot on. He probably does it to all the women he dates. A small percentage will agree to do it and "bingo" he's got a woman he can control from the off. This is what he wants. Do you want to be that woman?

Creepy AF. Run.

@LindaUK1971

Thanks all.

I think there is a communication issue as he's Polish and I'm English. But still a thought red flag with the way he asked.

Red flags aren't his behaviours. They're your feelings. If you get the red flag feeling, it's a red flag for you. End of story.

You might feel a red flag feeling if your date eats a Mars bar, and your abuser when you were a kid used to eat Mars bars just before abusing you. It doesn't mean that eating Mars bars is a 'red flag', it means that for you, eating Mars bars is not a viable behaviour in a partner. You are incompatible with Mars bar eaters.

If you feel the red flag feeling, it's a red flag. It doesn't have to make sense. If you're with a long term partner who's done a hell of a lot right, you might have a conversation about it, and he'll hopefully say he didn't realise it was a trigger for you, and he won't let you see him eat a Mars bar again.

Red flag feeling for a first date? Don't go.

this has nothing to do with being Polish btw.

go dressed in something else or don't go & block him.
either way I have to quote Mr Solo here:

Definitely a weirdo.

Signs of coercive control
According to the United Kingdom’s Crown Prosecution Service, the following behaviors are signs of coercive control.

Monitoring activities
A person may exert control by deciding what someone wears
www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/coercive-control#signs

I would go, wear what I liked and if he said anything about me not wearing what he asked I would laugh and say no way, I thought you were joking or I'd have thought of something specific for you to wear too. If he says nothing and we have a nice time, great. If he does say something I would take that as proof he is weird and controlling

Good advice

Maybe I'm reading into it too much.

I think there is a communication issue as he's Polish and I'm English

Please, please don't doubt yourself or assume he's decent really and make excuses for him. This is how controlling people manage to work their way into the lives of kind people like you. (Speaking from bitter experience). They thrive in your self doubt, your thoughts that they didn't mean it, or you misunderstood or they didn't understand how they made you feel or it was all because of their own childhood trauma, or being treated badly in previous relationship or whatever.

It's bullshit though. Manipulative men like this can be very charming, but they want to possess and control you and will test you to see how far they can push it. It's a deep-seated impulse, their brains are wired differently.

Be grateful this man has shown his hand so early. And run. He may be putting you in a pedestal and that might well be flattering at first. But if he's a controlling man, he doesn't see you as an equal human being, he sees you as a challenge, an object to control and posses and a relationship with him will hurt you and damage your self esteem more deeply than you can imagine. Please, run.

Call it off now. He's controlling

Just be aware that abusers are clever . He may not react if you don’t wear his outfit this time, it doesn’t mean that he won’t try a different tact next time. Why even bother risking it?
Set your boundaries firm and unshakable, once you start making allowances, those boundaries crumble and before you know it they have been irreparably broken.

Well I would tell him to do one! Where what the heck you like! Alarm bells would be clanging if someone told me/suggested to me what to wear! Agree with other posters OP he is weird!

I'm Hungarian and I know that traditions, culture in Hungary are very similar to those in Poland.
we have shared history too, stuff that people in the UK didn't go through and won't necessarily know about or under through experience.

Obv I'm not an authority on all things Polish🤣 but language differences/misunderstandings aside his request for you to wear the sexy clothes he's like to see you in is 100% not a Polish thing.

Wear

*or understand

They're your feelings. If you get the red flag feeling, it's a red flag for you. End of story.

@LindaUK1971 Gut feelings are DEEP and you KNOW them. overthinking is driven by a need to be accepted by someone and the focus is from the outside in, instead of it being from the inside out. just pay attention to your emotion and notice what it's telling you about you need. Trust your inner voice, it knows.

Wear something else and he he mentions it again just forget him !!

Not sure if I agree with your definition of a red flag TheFoundations. To me red flags are definitely behaviours by the other person. They are universally recognised behaviours that suggest abusive, misogynistic and controlling people, usually men. They can be your own feelings of course, but I think mostly it's certain behaviours that trigger those thoughts and feelings in those who understand abuse.

A weird phobia about Mars bars is not a red flag. It's just a sign that you're incompatible with someone. The Mars bar eater isn't automatically abusive.

This is the kind of situation where I wonder why women continue to pursue it.

OP has come on here to ask for the opinions of other women (quite right) to get our views. The vast majority of women in here agree that it is a red flag. Something in her told its not right.

This isn’t specific to the OP as we don’t know what she’s going to do, but from an outsiders perspective, I imagine that anyone that decided to meet him anyway, in the next 6 months would be in an abusive relationship and wondering how this happened.

You can see it happening now. This is why people should take heed of their gut feeling and red flags.

You have absolutely no obligation to this man. None whatsoever. To show up for the date, to tell him you're not going, to ever speak to him again if you don't want to. He had made you uncomfortable enough to post on here looking for advice. I think you need to trust that gut reaction.

It's one thing to say to a potential date 'I really loved that dress I saw you in, in your picture, I'd love to see you in it some time'. It's another thing entirely to say 'you must wear this blouse and that skirt because it is sexy and that's what I like'. How you dress is not about him, it's about you. If he thinks it's acceptable now to impose his choices on you, where might you be a year down the line? Trust your instincts.