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Emotional abuse

(11 Posts)
atr79gb Thu 05-Mar-20 08:00:48

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship and am in the process of divorcing my abuser. I've been undergoing regular counselling sessions and appointments with my GP who has prescribed me antidepressants.

My GP and counsellor have encouraged me to contact the police 101 line to report the abuse.

The abuse falls under the bracket of coercive control. Some of the examples include:

-Bullying me into leaving the family home
-Undermining my parenting ability in front of my children
-Belittling and criticising my personal appearance in front of my children

As an example, she has already told the children that I will be moving out of the family home and how often I will be seeing them even though no discussions have taken place (this is purely her opinion).

I was initially concerned that the allegations would not be taken seriously but my GP has explained he is happy to support me in any way he can.

Does anyone have experience of this type of situation? Any advice?

OP’s posts: |
Otter71 Thu 05-Mar-20 15:28:53

I could have written a lot of this. Except my GP didn't help past giving me anti depressants and it was a friend and my counselor telling me report. Plus the women's centre once I got on the freedom program. That really helped me.
Ex told my kids the house was just his and he could therefore kick me out without paying anything, despite its having been mine before I met him.
I was left on the doorstep with a suitcase on a public holiday and told to phone a friend.
Never reported despite encouragement. I guess I had been told too many times that I was imagining it / too sensitive / psychotic that I was just glad to be free and not confident of being believed.
Look after yourself and do what you think is right.

atr79gb Thu 05-Mar-20 16:18:05

@Otter71 - it sounds like there are lots of similarities to my own situation.

In my own situation, she is trying to bully me into leaving the family home, even though I'm the one paying for everything.

She considers the house and the kids 'hers'.

I was worried about being taken seriously at first but my GP, counsellor and friends have encouraged me to take action.

In your case, how did you manage to resolve the situation and move on?

OP’s posts: |
Otter71 Thu 05-Mar-20 21:24:55

I guess I learned who my friends were and started listening to them not him.
I cried then accepted that actually this was a positive move. Constantly being put down did no one

Otter71 Thu 05-Mar-20 21:59:27

Sorry constantly being put down did no one any good.
My counsellor helped me see I constantly considered what he would say before what I thought and helped me change that.
My kids are older. 14 and 18. Both saw belittling mum as normal and older one had started to tag team. He still barely speaks to me and when he does accuses me of taking his entitlement. Dad had told him he could half the property value as none was mine but solicitor put dad right... That hurts but I get it. Once ex saw what he had to do tbh he got it over and done.
I moved on and found strength in a great team giving me what they didn't use. My colleagues were amazing. Most of our mutual friends have left me alone now I am not just the oddball but that's fine.
I moved on from sofa surfing with amazing friends, crying but then making plans and going forward knowing that every day I saw a bit more of the real me. Still work in progress as I can see now that particularly trying to control my clothing and possessions was there from day 1 and that was more than half my adult life. I was with him 20 years. Your situation is the other way around though and I think gender stereotypes may therefore make yours a different situation at least in terms of perception.
Good luck

atr79gb Fri 06-Mar-20 00:07:40

Luckily for me, my kids are a lot younger (5 and 8), so although they are used to seeing their dad being emotionally abused, I have plenty of time to get them into a stable environment and give them a sense of normality.

In my case, I'm paying for everything and my wife is trying to force me out of the house so I have to continue paying for everything without living there.

My solicitor has advised me to consider applying for a non molestation order as well as contacting police 101.

My GP and counsellor have been a great help during this time.

OP’s posts: |
themarkofthemaker Fri 06-Mar-20 02:09:31

Just complete form C1A if you're going to court over child arrangements. I doubt much will happen about it to be honest, it sounds pretty low level stuff.

Ozziewozzie Fri 06-Mar-20 02:41:50

I’m sorry you’re going through a tough time. Splitting up when children are involved is never easy. I’ve also left emotionally abusive relationship.
Now I’m no longer subjected to it everyday, good old clarity comes along with the space and clear mind.
Looking back, it’s so easy to get caught up in the ‘I want’ ‘it’s your fault’ ‘they are my children too’ Of course, all those points are important, but often whilst fighting those points, the most important thing ie the children become pawns, or have to sit through the grownups toxicity.

What your ex wants, isn’t what she will necessarily get. She too though will have a different opinion on the situation and to her it will feel real and justified.
You are both obviously in a difficult situation right now. Your wife may have told the children you were moving out because she feels you will be. I know it seems unfair and hard but you both obviously can’t go on living together. If you take the abusive route then one may ask why you’re still living there. I don’t mean that in a challenging way at all just more a case of, it’s damaging to you and it’s most certainly damaging to your children.
Forget what she wants by way of money. You will be liable for child maintenance so I’d start by contacting them yourself. That way you can calculate how much money you will be expected to hand over. Secondly, depending on your financial situation, I’d look at alternative accommodation, ie buying somewhere, renting etc and factor in costs. Consider realistically all you will need to support yourself and consider your children. Work through this methodically. Whatever you have left if anything, you can then decide what to do with that. No solicitor is going to expect you to pay for everything for her and be left with nothing yourself. Because if your wife can’t support herself and children living alone with them then I’m assuming the children will be able to stay with you? Your wife can either work and or claim benefits if need be. That’s for her to organise. She wants you to leave, so leave. What’s the alternative?
I would also apply to the court for a contact arrangement. It’s not expensive. It’s a simple process, and outlines future contact that is expected to be adhered to. Your expectations providing they are reasonable will definitely be taken into consideration. But as a warning, don’t mention money, or difficulties between you and your wife. When it comes to children, the court are only interested in what is best for them. Take your wife’s control out of the situation by sorting this out yourself. The sooner you do, the sooner you can move on with your children in your life, doing what’s best for them, with minimal dealings with their mum.

Seapoint2002 Fri 06-Mar-20 10:28:49

I can recommend these guys for helping escape domestic abuse www.mankind.org.uk/

Yellowshirt Sat 07-Mar-20 10:44:01

You will get no back up or sympathy. This week I had the " your a crap dad" but much nastier words used . My ex bullied me for upto 10 years.
The only time I'll get any support will be if my ex finally manages to push me over the edge but then its to late.

atr79gb Sat 14-Mar-20 13:12:28

Thanks for all the replies.

I contacted the police 101 who were very supportive. On the back of this, I've also been contacted by several domestic abuse organisations. I was actually pleasantly surprised by how seriously my allegations were taken and the high level of support I've been given.

I've completed C100 and C1A forms and will send these off in the next few days.

OP’s posts: |

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