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Original poster

First date, he wants me to dress up

332 replies

LindaUK1971 · 13/08/2021 02:41

I have a first date in a long time this weekend. I’ve been speaking to the guy for a long time online and we’ve really hit it off.

We’ve arranged to meet this weekend but he’s asked me to wear a specific outfit. Is this normal? I’ve never heard of this before? Should I be worried?

OP posts:
DukeOfEarlGrey · 13/08/2021 07:11

Why do some men feel the need to announce that they are men in their contributions on MN? Bizarre

I think we are meant to glean some dazzling insight from an actual real man’s point of view that we can’t arrive at from knowing our own minds.

OP, this is a red flag.

brokenbiscuitsx · 13/08/2021 07:11

@WhiskeyGalore212

But if you're not comfortable in being to be told what to wear on a first date ....

That suggests it's a valid option to be comfortable being told what to wear on a first date.

I've been trying to be tactful but quite honestly - don't give women advice on dating, you're terrible at it.

It does, it sounds like he’s trying to make OP feel stupid for worrying about something so normal and trivial. It’s controlling in itself. I think the term is overused but it feels like gaslighting.
OverweightPidgeon · 13/08/2021 07:12

Please don’t meet this man , his demand has already triggered a doubt. How many women end up with abusive partners and say they wish they had listened to their instincts. Do not fall into the trap of making excuses for him ( it’s because he’s Polish , it’s a backhanded compliment etc) There is a doubt already about him which is not a good basis for a relationship.
My ex used to tell me what to wear, I thought it was sweet until the real physical abuse started.
You haven’t met him yet but are being told to ‘give him a chance’ . There should be no chances given to someone that you don’t really know- chances are only given when someone you do know has done something wrong and you think you can forgive them.
This demand is a massive red flag please listen to your doubts.

Cazzovuoi · 13/08/2021 07:17

The whataboutery on this thread 😒 Gods forbid we don’t take the menz feelz into consideration.

Men don’t fear being raped or murdered by women. They don’t need to keep their radar on full at all times. The majority of women on the thread are saying red flag!

MydogWillow · 13/08/2021 07:19

@LindaUK1971

Well I think he wants to get to know me too. But he kept on saying I must wear this blouse and skirt combo as it's so sexy.

I really like him (so far), but just seems odd to request this. Maybe I'm reading into it too much.

Trusts your instincts OP.

To be told you must wear something and also because it's sexy is a huge red flag.

Grimsknee · 13/08/2021 07:20

@Danceswithwhippets

A man's point of view here. I don't think it's odd at all. Not a red flag in sight. I would see it as a kind of compliment -he likes what you are wearing in the photos, they're your normal clothes. It's not a creepy request for latex and no knickers on a first date! It is probably a language/cultural thing on his part -you mention that he's Polish. But if you're not comfortable in being to be told what to wear on a first date, just wear whatever you like and don't mention it. You say you've got on very well -don't waste the chance of meeting what may be a nice man. Good luck and report back!
Yes OP! Ignore all the red flags that all the women here see, because this man can't see a red flag in sight. Ignore the women, and the gut instinct that prompted you to post, because this date MAY be a nice man. He could just come across as creepy because he's from a patriarchal culture where it's acceptable to say creepy things to women. Men are so rare and hard to snag, you really should give him a chance because despite having acted creepy before you even met him, he may be nice.
EmoIsntDead · 13/08/2021 07:21

@Danceswithwhippets

A man's point of view here. I don't think it's odd at all. Not a red flag in sight. I would see it as a kind of compliment -he likes what you are wearing in the photos, they're your normal clothes. It's not a creepy request for latex and no knickers on a first date! It is probably a language/cultural thing on his part -you mention that he's Polish. But if you're not comfortable in being to be told what to wear on a first date, just wear whatever you like and don't mention it. You say you've got on very well -don't waste the chance of meeting what may be a nice man. Good luck and report back!
Phew! Thank god a man turned up and set us all straight! 🙄
Grimsknee · 13/08/2021 07:22

(that was sarcasm, obviously)

To be clear OP, more red flags than a Socialist Alliance conference.

Lampan · 13/08/2021 07:23

@WhiskeyGalore212 haha thanks. But I was obviously inspired by previous posts!

Allthelights · 13/08/2021 07:24

I was chatting to a guy online and he seemed really nice. We arranged to meet and he kept saying he couldn’t wait to see me wearing my ‘sexy high heels.’ He said it so much it put me off and I cancelled. I wonder what would have happened if I’d worn them if he liked them so much.

Op, no I would not go.

CupoTeap · 13/08/2021 07:25

I think there is a difference between saying you looked sexy in a certain outfit and perhaps saying you hoped you'd wear it, too multiple requests to wear an outfit he's put together by going through all your photos.

If someone had commented how sexy I looked in a certain photo I may well wear it, probably not the first time.

But on the other hand I've also worn a specific animal print on the next date when a boyfriend said how much he hated it

happinessischocolate · 13/08/2021 07:27

Why do some men feel the need to announce that they are men in their contributions on MN? Bizarre.

It can be a good thing, like in this thread, as it's shows there are so many men who have no idea about boundaries and what is normal behaviour when asking for a date.

SwanShaped · 13/08/2021 07:28

Holy shit that’s bonkers. Soon he’ll be telling you what you can’t wear. In case it’s too sexy and other men might see.

mummabubs · 13/08/2021 07:28

Hi OP, I think personally for me it would be a deal breaker as I don't like the idea of my potential partner dictating what I wear based on their own sexual gratification... I'm not a doll to be dressed up and taken out on public display.

However I'm also hearing that you like them so far and wonder if this was a bit of a translation boo boo. So if I were to go ahead with the date I'd go wearing exactly what I wanted (definitely not a blouse and skirt so as to be different!) and if he questioned why I hadn't followed through on his request (demand) I'd let him know exactly why. I'd view this first date as an opportunity to display assertiveness and set the tone that if you were ever to keep meeting up then he has to respect that you are in control of you. But as I say, for me him telling me to dress up sexy for him would be a deal breaker.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 13/08/2021 07:28

don't think it's odd at all. Not a red flag in sight.
I would see it as a kind of compliment -he likes what you are wearing in the photos, they're your normal clothes. It's not a creepy request for latex and no knickers on a first date!

It's not exactly her "normal" clothes ... it's the dressed up/clichéd feminine/sexy section of her normal clothes; she's no doubt wearing other, not clichéd sexy clothes in her photos, but he's not accepting her turning up in those, he's telling her which of her clothes to wear.

Which would be controlling in an established relationship, let alone someone you haven't even fkg met in person yet.

Not a creepy request for latex and no knickers on the first date ..... that's the standard we're judging by, is it?

GrinConfused

This is a date, not a bdsm fet life hookup.

Wtaf.

Disfordarkchocolate · 13/08/2021 07:30

Well I would feel uncomfortable with that on a first date. It would be perfectly fine to ask this in a long-term relationship but not so early on.

It makes me think his focus is on having sex and not getting to know me. If we'd got on well so far I'd still go on the date (not wearing the outfit) , perhaps changing the date to meeting for coffee and see how he reacted to me setting some boundaries.

KatherineJaneway · 13/08/2021 07:30

I'd turn up in something different. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

putthebinsout · 13/08/2021 07:30

Huge red flag. I'm not sure it was a good idea to share your Facebook with him before even dating?

TableFlowerss · 13/08/2021 07:31

Not normal.

Totally weird and red flag for controlling

Delete

TheFrogsAreDying · 13/08/2021 07:31

That’s really a bit weird and heading towards creepy peeve territory.

TheFrogsAreDying · 13/08/2021 07:32

*perve

milkyaqua · 13/08/2021 07:33

Not a red flag in sight.

Hahaha! It would however be a perfectly appropriate request if you were an escort, prostitute, sugar whatsy, or a mail order bride.

FindTheTruth · 13/08/2021 07:37

www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/reports/a36445445/melanie-brown-coercive-control-clothing/

Mel B opens up about how coercive control changed the way she dressed

“It starts with tiny things [like] 'Oh, don’t wear that dress – I’ve bought you this dress,'"

"they’re starting to take over everything.”

"Mel said Belafonte also insisted she wore certain colours. “I didn’t even know what colour I liked any more because those choices were taken away from me for so long. And I just accepted it."

mummabubs · 13/08/2021 07:38

Also I think that maybe DancingwithWhippets is trying to say it may be intended as a compliment... But he'd do well to listen to literally every single reply- all of which have voiced that as the receiver, it doesn't feel like a compliment. In a previous relationship I was occasionally told what to wear and it made me feel objectified and really uncomfortable. I think this is amplified as it's the first date with OP so it comes across more like "I don't care who you are as a person, as long as you look good".

There's a world of difference between if my DH were to say "hey mummabubs, not sure which shirt to wear today, what do you reckon?" (Although even then I'd probably just tell him to wear whatever he wanted to wear!) compared to me telling DH "when we're out in public tonight you must wear this specific outfit as I find you sexy in that".

Ohdoleavemealone · 13/08/2021 07:40

Hmmm, I would meet him only because you have said you have been talking for ages (which I hope means months not a few weeks) but I would not wear the outfit. I would purposely wear something else and see if he sulks or seems put out. If he was I would cut it short and never see him again.