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Original poster

First date, he wants me to dress up

332 replies

LindaUK1971 · 13/08/2021 02:41

I have a first date in a long time this weekend. I’ve been speaking to the guy for a long time online and we’ve really hit it off.

We’ve arranged to meet this weekend but he’s asked me to wear a specific outfit. Is this normal? I’ve never heard of this before? Should I be worried?

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 13/08/2021 11:13

[quote SaharaFlower]@liveforsummer : He's communicated what he likes and she can do that too.[/quote]
And if she's any sense she'll do so by way of the block button

Themadcatparade · 13/08/2021 11:14

A first date shouldn’t focus on ‘the sexy’.

Sounds like he’s more keen to get laid than getting to know you op, I’d run from this one

BlueBlazerBlack · 13/08/2021 11:21

Haven't read the entire thread but if you felt worried enough to post, then you know deep down what to do. I would run for the hills.

TheFoundations · 13/08/2021 11:42

@Themadcatparade

A first date shouldn’t focus on ‘the sexy’.

Sounds like he’s more keen to get laid than getting to know you op, I’d run from this one

A first date can be about whatever the two people involved want. Lots of first dates are about sex, and that's up to the individuals involved. They have to be on the same page, though, and in this instance, they're not. It does sounds like he wants sex and OP is looking for something deeper.
AlfonsoTheMango · 13/08/2021 11:49

Adding my voice to those who are saying "red flag".

As far as a "male perspective". On the Internet, no one knows you're a dog. And just because it's from a man's perspective it doesn't mean that it's not a red flag. In fact, a poster claiming to be male saying it's fine makes me wonder about the poster.

Serendipity79 · 13/08/2021 11:53

I tried FB dating this past couple of months and got chatting to one guy who said that he wouldn't date women who sat around in leggings all day and wanted to make sure that I was the kind of woman who would wear a skirt and heels to meet him!

My response was - I've not worn heels since pre Covid, I love my leggings, and I find it very weird being told how to dress by a man I've never met so we aren't a good match and hopefully you'll find someone who is!

donquixotedelamancha · 13/08/2021 12:10

Why do some men feel the need to announce that they are men in their contributions on MN?

Most of us don't. I imagine the ones that do are used to anouncing their maleness IRL because their penis is on their head.

IS0D0RA · 13/08/2021 12:16

[quote Shallwegoforawalk]@Danceswithwhippets A man's point of view here.

We don't care, random insignificant man.

You can't understand our experience living as women, being continually judged, harassed, coerced and intimidated. Some being raped and killed.

So read this thread to educate yourself and then off you trot with your man-tinted glasses to pronounce your "wisdom" on the next thread that has nothing to do with you. [/quote]
Excellent advice.

MorganHunt · 13/08/2021 12:21

"But he kept on saying I must wear this blouse and skirt combo as it's so sexy."

How is this a communication problem? What happens if you say "nie"? Will he respect that? Or simply keep demanding you wear this, ignoring your voice, until you give in? Do you realize you wrote "saying" not "asking?" That is your subconscious speaking. Deep down you know he isn't listening to what you want.

If you want to play dress up doll to some creep, that's your decision. But don't for a second believe that it has anything to do with him being from a different culture and speaking a different language. He knows exactly how inappropriate his behaviour is.

Honey, wake up. He would never ask this of you if he intended a normal relationship. Men aren't that dumb.

OverweightPidgeon · 13/08/2021 12:42

No harm in meeting him the once and if he seems nuts then sack it off

I don’t understand why anyone would do this . Why would you put yourself at risk ? Why test the waters with someone that is already showing signs of not being a nice person? I despair that some women still don’t have enough self respect or decent boundaries and are willing to compromise themselves for a man .
Also abusers are much more subtle than ‘seeming nuts’ .

TheFoundations · 13/08/2021 12:45

@Danceswithwhippets

A man's point of view here. I don't think it's odd at all. Not a red flag in sight. I would see it as a kind of compliment -he likes what you are wearing in the photos, they're your normal clothes. It's not a creepy request for latex and no knickers on a first date! It is probably a language/cultural thing on his part -you mention that he's Polish. But if you're not comfortable in being to be told what to wear on a first date, just wear whatever you like and don't mention it. You say you've got on very well -don't waste the chance of meeting what may be a nice man. Good luck and report back!
Keep in mind that pretty much everybody here is saying that what he has said is creepy/red flag/run away, OP!/controlling etc. Given that you're in the very tiny minority (in fact you might be the minority) who thinks that what he's said is fine, you might want to rethink your views, as all of those terms could be used to describe them, too.

ie, your post was creepy/red flag/run away from this man, etc.

Ask yourself why you think it's ok to come in amongst a group of women who are all saying 'Ew!', announce your penis ownership, and then tell them that 'actually, girls, you're getting this all wrong.'

It's not a creepy request for latex and no knickers on a first date

Asking a woman to wear something specific is, except in very specific circumstances, a creepy request. If you think it has to be about underwear, you are very, very sadly misguided.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/08/2021 12:49

he kept on saying I must wear this blouse and skirt combo as it's so sexy

While I think you should just cancel (as he sounds like a controlling knob), have you tried replying:

"Thank you for your suggestions, But I will wear what I feel comfortable wearing."

And see how he replies?

Eeiliethya · 13/08/2021 13:05

Tell him you expect him to arrive in a Hawaiian shirt and a kilt then as you find that "sexy".

Creepy fucker.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/08/2021 13:47

Totally agree about the red flag, but since you've been chatting "for a long time" and he's seemed okay in other ways I'd go and use it as a test by wearing something completely different

If he doesn't mention it and is cheery and normal it might have just been something he didn't phrase very well, but if he has a long face or dares to say anything you've got your answer loud and clear

ParityJ · 13/08/2021 13:54

Any man making such demands would be told no and I would not meet them.

"I like a woman in Skirt and heels.."
So what? I like a man with a 6 pack and extensive knowledge of Kama Sutra...

Bradford333 · 13/08/2021 14:22

I'm Polish/German/English, and I would be mortally offended if my first date was with a guy who requested that I wear a specific outfit, for me that would tell me that he feels he has the right to dictate to me!!! On a first date as well!!!!!! I'm sorry, but this is insulting your intelligence and if continues it could knock your confidence, make you feel insecure etc etc. I would run for the hills!

Bradford333 · 13/08/2021 14:24

I totally agree with puzzledandandpissedoff.

Drinkingallthewine · 13/08/2021 14:45

My ex used to put a lot of shit down to language barrier/ cultural differences when it turns out that he was a common garden variety abusive prick native to the whole planet.

It's odd to see how so many on this thread and in real life absolutely scrabble to find convoluted reasons and explanations for someone's weirdness that makes our spidey senses tingle. That we must override our unease in situations and be a nice girl. That we aren't encouraged to call men out directly on the inappropriate things they say and do because he was only being friendly. That we must hand-wring over syntax and sentence construction to sift through the warning signs to convince ourselves he's not a creepy git. And this likely leads to many situations where we come to harm because we've been conditioned by mostly men but a fair few women too, to disregard our own instincts situations where they would serve us well.

Sometimes we need to take the Ronseal approach - it does exactly what it says in the tin.

Hows your shark cage OP?

OverweightPidgeon · 13/08/2021 15:16

Drinkingallthewine I totally agree , some of the responses on here about ‘testing’ him make me despair. Why ? Just why would you?

liveforsummer · 13/08/2021 15:19

@OverweightPidgeon

Drinkingallthewine I totally agree , some of the responses on here about ‘testing’ him make me despair. Why ? Just why would you?
Not to mention he'll likely pass the initial test with flying colours. Most don't show their true selves til the feet are more under the table
TheFoundations · 13/08/2021 15:41

@Drinkingallthewine

My ex used to put a lot of shit down to language barrier/ cultural differences when it turns out that he was a common garden variety abusive prick native to the whole planet.

It's odd to see how so many on this thread and in real life absolutely scrabble to find convoluted reasons and explanations for someone's weirdness that makes our spidey senses tingle. That we must override our unease in situations and be a nice girl. That we aren't encouraged to call men out directly on the inappropriate things they say and do because he was only being friendly. That we must hand-wring over syntax and sentence construction to sift through the warning signs to convince ourselves he's not a creepy git. And this likely leads to many situations where we come to harm because we've been conditioned by mostly men but a fair few women too, to disregard our own instincts situations where they would serve us well.

Sometimes we need to take the Ronseal approach - it does exactly what it says in the tin.

Hows your shark cage OP?

Yes yes very yes.

Until somebody can point us to the set of rules that tell us what we are all meant to do, and how we are all supposed to behave, we're going to have to rely on our own internal guide: our emotional responses. We do this with everything but relationships.

You don't find people saying 'I tried haddock and I didn't feel sure about it, but maybe I'm just being too sensitive? What does everyone else think of haddock?' because we know that with matters of taste, we make our own rules. And when you come across poisoned haddock or haddock that's gone off, you don't try to find reasons that it isn't the haddock's fault, and try to stick with that haddock because some bits of it are ok. You just go 'ew!' and get it a long way away from you.

With our primary relationship, this faith in our own discernment disappears, which renders us a bit helpless, because nobody else can tell us which preferences would be best for us individually

OP, would you prefer to go to the haddock shop where you had to dress a certain way, or the one where you could dress however you damn well pleased, and still be greeted with a warm smile?

(I'm sorry I chose haddock)

OverweightPidgeon · 13/08/2021 16:41

liveforsummer the thing is even if the Op does go on the date wearing what she chooses to wear, he knows that he has pushed his luck with the comment but it’s not been challenged so he is free to push/control a bit more.

SpringlikeBunk · 13/08/2021 17:14

Agree with @OverweightPidgeon

He’s tested the boundary a bit, “haha I was only joking”.

But he’s seen it’s not an immediate red flag so will look for another chance. He might even be exceptionally charming to “compensate”.

That’s exactly how a lot of bullying/control games start - they begin with something weird but small or deniable, see who “passes that test by accepting it”, then identifies who is vulnerable based on that.

Daisydahlia · 13/08/2021 19:18

SpringlikeBunk has it in a nutshell here: "That’s exactly how a lot of bullying/control games start - they begin with something weird but small or deniable, see who “passes that test by accepting it”, then identifies who is vulnerable based on that."

Exactly, x1000. That's how it starts.

Respectful people don't request sexy clothes for the other person for their first date.

I once met a guy in a bar who I was getting on nicely with. He insisted we had shots. I don't like shots, so I said so and politely declined. He bought them anyway and expected me to drink it. I wouldn't drink mine. He said I should because he'd bought them now. I got my bag, said thanks and goodbye and left. I knew (having experienced a controlling BF in the past) what control looks like and how it starts.

NameChange1996 · 13/08/2021 19:26

I have had this happen to me before - he turned out to be a complete waste of space! X