First date, he wants me to dress up

[LindaUK1971]

I have a first date in a long time this weekend. I’ve been speaking to the guy for a long time online and we’ve really hit it off.

We’ve arranged to meet this weekend but he’s asked me to wear a specific outfit. Is this normal? I’ve never heard of this before? Should I be worried?

Cailin66 So a woman has to 'look sexy' and wear a certain outfit on demand for a first date, and all the man has to do is turn up?

@LindaUK1971

Thanks all.

I think there is a communication issue as he's Polish and I'm English. But still a thought red flag with the way he asked.

No No No....there is no communication issue here. (stop looking for excuses)

It's not like he is trying to give you complex instructions or directions. He is saying WEAR THIS! BE SEXY! It couldn't be more clear.

Run run run.

No decent man would tell a woman he hadn’t met that she was sexy! He’s a creep!

It doesn't matter to me if you think I'm taking balderdash because I have a red flag there myself, and I walk away from people who speak to me like you have. That's how boundaries work. I don't have to care about what you think of me, I don't have to control you or tell you to stop saying the things you say. We don't have to have any tricky discussions, and you don't have to understand where I'm coming from. I distance myself from you because you are saying unpleasant things about me, I've checked that I respect my own behaviour/words (and I do, I stand by what I've said) and so, all I can do is stay away from any further engagement with you.

I wouldn't have replied ordinarily as I don't need the last word in a debate. However you appear to have labelled me as abusive and I won't take that without acknowledging it. Is that what you meant? NIce bit of gaslighting there.

You quoted one part of your first post and left out the rest. This is what it said:

Red flags aren't his behaviours. They're your feelings. If you get the red flag feeling, it's a red flag for you. End of story.

You might feel a red flag feeling if your date eats a Mars bar, and your abuser when you were a kid used to eat Mars bars just before abusing you. It doesn't mean that eating Mars bars is a 'red flag', it means that for you, eating Mars bars is not a viable behaviour in a partner. You are incompatible with Mars bar eaters.

If you feel the red flag feeling, it's a red flag. It doesn't have to make sense. If you're with a long term partner who's done a hell of a lot right, you might have a conversation about it, and he'll hopefully say he didn't realise it was a trigger for you, and he won't let you see him eat a Mars bar again.

Red flag feeling for a first date? Don't go.

Hopefully that shows why I questioned your definition of red flags. You said that red flags aren't his behaviours when they 100% are. That is the very definition of a red flag. It was totally unnecessary too when the OLD man had blatant red flags flying anyway. No need for a redefined definition.

Anyway I'm leaving this now. I hope op has taken the posts on here onboard and blocks this man.

I would go on the date, but wear something else.

Absolutely agree that you should avoid this man.

@Cailin66 he's TELLING her she MUST wear a certain outfit for his viewing pleasure. OP says he's said "must". And this doesn't strike you as creepy and controlling?

Check your internalised misogyny, think about what his words mean! we are not just sexual objects to be viewed, we are people.

Complete creep. He's making you the stuff of his fantasy. Run.

Red flags aren't subjective imo. A red flag is a red flag for anyone.

@LindaUK1971

Well I think he wants to get to know me too. But he kept on saying I must wear this blouse and skirt combo as it's so sexy.

I really like him (so far), but just seems odd to request this. Maybe I'm reading into it too much.

Eww! No. What a creep.

Huge red flag. Bin him off.

Shallwegoforawalk exactly this.

Cailin66 If your dob is 66 ,it is not your age at all. That's my year of birth and I see nothing but creepy and controlling in this man's behaviour

@Cailin66 I was born in 1966 and I'd be running to the hills if I was the OP

Hills. Run to them.

I don't think you should go on the date in a different outfit. The dating world is scary enough, you don't need to meet someone who already has a red flag. Dating should be fun and exciting, how fun is meeting up with someone to find out if he is an abuser?

it would totally depend on what the other conversations had been like imo. If we had been really flirting and the date was to finally meet and have sex and we were actually quite familiar, then i might go along with it, but if we were just meeting up and he was getting ahead of himself or the request was a surprise, then no, id take it as a red flag that he had a fantasy in his head he wanted to play out and i cant be bothered with all that as its a bit creepy

Bye, bye.

@Danceswithwhippets We don't want a 'man's point of view' is that point of view is it's normal to order women to wear a specific thing because it is attractive to you.

It is controlling, OP, but it is up to you if this something you can accept.
Having dated a few Polish men, I do find some (not all) expect women to be feminine, putting effort into their appearance by looking and dressing 'nice.' He sounds like he could be like this.

Creepy fucker. Before you know it you’ll be trussed up on a leather swing with a billiard ball in your mouth. Mark my words.

It's the repeated requests that are particularly concerning. I personally would not like a man suggesting what I wear on a first date, but I could see the way that might go if the dialogue had been quite flirty with pictures exchanged etc. Not my thing but each to their own. But his repeated requests (which I'd read as demands) would be very very concerning for me. It suggests he has a particular way he wants you to look and that he thinks he has the right to insist/suggest that. Which is massive red flag territory.

Ask him to wear speedos for the date

The man is Polish, his command of language isn't the same as a native speak of English. In lots of other countries, there isn't an issue with telling women that we are sexy.

This reminds me of my husband when I first met him, he was Eastern European and often sounded like he was telling me what to do- it was extremely irritating, but the conversation often went 'next week we will go to the cinema' 'we will go here and then do that'. I got really fed up and said why are you always bossing me around, and he said in his country people say what they want, the other person says what they want and they then agree- so in that instance I started say 'no I don't want to go to the cinema, I prefer to stay in' and it would resolve immediately.

I'm not saying go on a date with someone who creeps you out, just don't go. I would actually be very wary of someone who is over invested in your clothing/how you look at this point anyway. Cultural differences in communication do exist though, but that's irrelevant if you don't like it, just say no and find someone else to date.

It's not the wording of the request that's the problem though but the request it's self. The language barrier is not an excuse for that part in afraid

Massive red flag!

@liveforsummer : He's communicated what he likes and she can do that too.