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Original poster

First date, he wants me to dress up

332 replies

LindaUK1971 · 13/08/2021 02:41

I have a first date in a long time this weekend. I’ve been speaking to the guy for a long time online and we’ve really hit it off.

We’ve arranged to meet this weekend but he’s asked me to wear a specific outfit. Is this normal? I’ve never heard of this before? Should I be worried?

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 13/08/2021 09:36

Words matter.

ilovesushi · 13/08/2021 09:36

Stay away from him! x

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/08/2021 09:38

@MyOtherProfile

I would go, wear what I liked and if he said anything about me not wearing what he asked I would laugh and say no way, I thought you were joking or I'd have thought of something specific for you to wear too. If he says nothing and we have a nice time, great. If he does say something I would take that as proof he is weird and controlling.
I would also do this… presuming you still want to meet him. And be aware of any love bombing. Always be in a public place to protect yourself whilst sounding him out. It does sound as though it could be controlling. Perhaps he’s a being a bit dumb and over enthusiastic so giving him the benefit of the doubt and one evening to make your decision would be the way forward if I were in your position.
Kithic · 13/08/2021 09:39

@LindaUK1971

Well I think he wants to get to know me too. But he kept on saying I must wear this blouse and skirt combo as it's so sexy.

I really like him (so far), but just seems odd to request this. Maybe I'm reading into it too much.

yeah, no thats not right - avoid!!!
InPraiseOfBacchus · 13/08/2021 09:43

Totally creepy regardless of language or cultural misunderstandings.

"That outfit from your photo is really sexy, I'd love to see you in it for real some time!" might be a nice compliment depending on how comfortable you are with each other.

"This outfit from your photo is really sexy, so I'm telling you to wear it tonight" is not appropriate outside of a pre-negotiated kink thing, or paid escorting. Sorry. I'd turn up in a maxi sweater dress out of spite.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/08/2021 09:44

@2020isnotbehaving

To be honest it just sounds like he’s been spanking one off to your photo and wants to see his fantasy come off in real life Envy
Oh god. I hadn’t read this comment before posting. Ewww. I really am naive where men come in. So maybe ignore my previous comment? I’ve been out of the dating game a long time.
knittingaddict · 13/08/2021 09:45

Please don't pretend that you know what you are talking about. You don't.

I shouldn't have added this bit to my last post and I'm sorry for that. It was unnecessary. I don't want to derail the op's thread.

Antwerpen · 13/08/2021 09:46

@LindaUK1971

Yeah it has me a little weirded out
Trust your gut, don’t meet him. If he wants to exert ‘control’ at this point how far do you think he’ll want to control in the future? Very worrying. Run OP.
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 13/08/2021 09:48

@knittingaddict

If someone triggers you at the first date stage, that's a red flag to you. 'Red flag' means 'do not go forward', it doesn't mean 'this person is abusing you'. 'Red flag' means 'you instinctively have a boundary here; don't ignore it, don't let anybody else ignore it, and get away from anybody who thinks it's ok to ignore it.'

TheFoundations that's not what you said in your previous posts and you've only added that after other people pointed out what a red flag was. In your first post you said that the very act of eating a Mars bar was a red flag. It is not. It is trigger. Please don't pretend that you know what you are talking about. You don't.

Quite.

The problem with using "red flag" for everything that you personally don't like for whatever reason but which is in itself not an indicator of abuse is that anything and everything gets labelled red flag oh you don't like onions and he does? Red flag. Oh he wears flip flops with socks? Red flag.

It reduces it to 'personal taste' and its actual meaning is lost which leads to people dismissing the term, not recognising actual red flags and general ridicule of the term red flag.

There are perfectly good words for incompatibility. Erm, incompatibility being one of them. Boundaries being another. Trigger is a good one for your individual reaction to something based on past experience. It's not hard. 🤷‍♀️

sadperson16 · 13/08/2021 09:49

A skirt and blouse? Really ? Do you wear big glasses,then remove them,untie your flowing chestnut locks and suck on a pencil in a provocative manner?

TheFoundations · 13/08/2021 09:49

@knittingaddict

If someone triggers you at the first date stage, that's a red flag to you. 'Red flag' means 'do not go forward', it doesn't mean 'this person is abusing you'. 'Red flag' means 'you instinctively have a boundary here; don't ignore it, don't let anybody else ignore it, and get away from anybody who thinks it's ok to ignore it.'

TheFoundations that's not what you said in your previous posts and you've only added that after other people pointed out what a red flag was. In your first post you said that the very act of eating a Mars bar was a red flag. It is not. It is trigger. Please don't pretend that you know what you are talking about. You don't.

This is what I said

'You might feel a red flag feeling if your date eats a Mars bar, and your abuser when you were a kid used to eat Mars bars just before abusing you. It doesn't mean that eating Mars bars is a 'red flag', it means that for you, eating Mars bars is not a viable behaviour in a partner. You are incompatible with Mars bar eaters.'

Over to you for the last word if you want it. I'm not getting into a bunfight with 'you don't know what you're talking about'-style personal attacks, when OP simply needs the clear answer that if somebody gives you a response that makes you go 'ew' before your first date, you need to stay away from them.

It doesn't matter to me if you think I'm taking balderdash because I have a red flag there myself, and I walk away from people who speak to me like you have. That's how boundaries work. I don't have to care about what you think of me, I don't have to control you or tell you to stop saying the things you say. We don't have to have any tricky discussions, and you don't have to understand where I'm coming from. I distance myself from you because you are saying unpleasant things about me, I've checked that I respect my own behaviour/words (and I do, I stand by what I've said) and so, all I can do is stay away from any further engagement with you.

Sort of a derail, OP, but also an example of what you can do regarding this guy.

SixesAndEights · 13/08/2021 09:49

@LindaUK1971

Thanks all.

I think there is a communication issue as he's Polish and I'm English. But still a thought red flag with the way he asked.

He's from Poland, not outer space.
Lighthouseblue · 13/08/2021 09:50

Tell him what to wear and see what he says!Grin

Flutteringwings · 13/08/2021 09:51

Even if it could be put down to cultural differences, would you really want to be dealing with any more such similar cultural differences going forward? If this is how it starts, where will it end? (Will it ever end?)

And that's even if it IS actually a cultural difference. I'm sure there are plenty of people from different cultures who would still know it's not OK to request a specific outfit for a first date on the basis of "sexy".

It would really put me off. It's made you feel uncomfortable and you haven't even had a date yet.

Plumtree391 · 13/08/2021 09:52

Don't wear it, wear something completely different and see how he is in person. You and this man are strangers apart from talking online (and maybe on the telephone), in real life you may not hit it off and it is weird that he is obsessed with a particular outfit he has seen on you in a photograph.

Livinghereinallentown · 13/08/2021 09:55

@LindaUK1971

Thanks all.

I think there is a communication issue as he's Polish and I'm English. But still a thought red flag with the way he asked.

It’s a red flag in any language. He’s showing who he is already. Don’t ignore the warning signs.
Lovemusic33 · 13/08/2021 10:04

I would say it’s a huge red flag.

You should have put him straight as soon as he asked, I would have replied with “I will wear what I want to wear thank you very much” and would have seen how he replied.

I understand that he has seen photos of you and is obviously attracted to the photos he has seen, I have had guy ask me to wear specific things but they have been people I have met for a hook up (FWB) rather than a potential relationship. Chances are he’s just after one thing, if he was interested in your personality he wouldn’t care what you were wearing.

Shallwegoforawalk · 13/08/2021 10:04

@Danceswithwhippets A man's point of view here.

We don't care, random insignificant man.

You can't understand our experience living as women, being continually judged, harassed, coerced and intimidated. Some being raped and killed.

So read this thread to educate yourself and then off you trot with your man-tinted glasses to pronounce your "wisdom" on the next thread that has nothing to do with you.

sansucre · 13/08/2021 10:07

You've never actually met yet he feels it is acceptable for him to tell you what to wear?

This would be reason enough for me to cancel and block.

knittingaddict · 13/08/2021 10:08

Don't meet him op. He won't be good partner material even if you do decide to ignore his request. No man who does this is worth the time and effort of a date.

Cailin66 · 13/08/2021 10:08

@Danceswithwhippets

A man's point of view here. I don't think it's odd at all. Not a red flag in sight. I would see it as a kind of compliment -he likes what you are wearing in the photos, they're your normal clothes. It's not a creepy request for latex and no knickers on a first date! It is probably a language/cultural thing on his part -you mention that he's Polish. But if you're not comfortable in being to be told what to wear on a first date, just wear whatever you like and don't mention it. You say you've got on very well -don't waste the chance of meeting what may be a nice man. Good luck and report back!
Must say I'm in agreement with this. Not seeing red flags at all. Perhaps it's my age. I think it's a compliment. It's only natural he likes what you look like. It's not like we are not sexual beings and attracted to how someone else looks. Perfectly normal. The first meeting will be in a public place so where's the harm in meeting up. It's like every man has to be absolutely perfect in every way before one can dare meet one.
Opentooffers · 13/08/2021 10:09

Am I the only one thinking it's odd to give someone you've never met before access to your FB? Confused

SprayedWithDettol · 13/08/2021 10:12

He is checking your boundaries OP. Don’t meet him.
How dare he tell you, a stranger, what to wear.

liveforsummer · 13/08/2021 10:15

@Cailin66 are you a man too? If you're struggling with the potential red flags you could read the thread. There is more than one flag here and some are explained.

katmarie · 13/08/2021 10:18

@MrsIsobelCrawley

It's one thing to say to a potential date 'I really loved that dress I saw you in, in your picture, I'd love to see you in it some time'. It's another thing entirely to say 'you must wear this blouse and that skirt because it is sexy and that's what I like'. How you dress is not about him, it's about you.

Even the first part would be enough to put me off before a first date.

And if it was off putting to you, you wouldn't go on the date, right? You would listen to your instincts. I hope the op does the same.
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