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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband unreasonably refuses to have another child

240 replies

TeeTen · 11/08/2021 20:55

I currently have young daughter with my husband. I have wanted another child for quite some time now and he point blank refuses to have another child due to things which happened in the past in the marriage. To be quite honest the reasons he gives me for not wanting to have another child is because he ended up having to go to court and was reported by my family members and I had to give evidence against him. The marriage has consisted of a lot of ups and downs and this guy accepts zero responsibility for the things he has done but is basically punishing me as he had to face the consequences of his wrong doings as nothing is his fault. EVER. He is always the victim according to him and I don’t “deserve” any more children.

I can hear you all now asking why do I even want another child with this kind of person etc and I have thought about it all and long story short I really want to be a mother again and it upsets me that I cannot give my child a sibling and cannot expand my family simply because he refuses me. I’m being robbed of the chance of being a mother because that’s my punishment for daring to speak up against his wrong doings.

I’m in a difficult situation, I long to be a mother again and would absolutely love to have another child and my daughter would be really happy to have a sibling. But I cannot because he holds it over me as punishment and expects me to be happy and get on with life knowing how much I want it and can’t have it because that’s his decision. Sad

OP posts:
TenthGrade · 12/08/2021 05:29

He said, she said, court case bla bla bla. Lots of noise coming out of OP.

What I hear is someone trying to force someone to have a baby with them against their will. (Because, you know, I know them better than he knows himself Hmm)

That situation alone should make you pause for thought and course correct and it seems you can't see that.
I think the main problem here is you not him. It's OK to want a baby but I think you need therapy if you want to force someone to have a baby with you. And if he is withholding a baby as a gotcha then he needs help too but you are just coming across as tone deaf to me.

PoshWatchShitShoes · 12/08/2021 05:34

This sounds like an awful family dynamic!! Your poor daughter.

Leave with your daughter. Enjoy a happier life together. You may then meet someone else.

OaxacaChihuahua · 12/08/2021 06:06

It cannot both be true that you have a happy, stable, respectful relationship of equals AND that your husband is refusing to have another child out of pure spite, to punish you for your past actions relating to his bad behaviour. If it’s true that he’s spitefully punishing you then he’s an abusive man and a totally inappropriate person to have another baby with.

rottd · 12/08/2021 06:13

Anyone who knowingly wants to bring a child into a situation like this is a terrible parent.

This!

I think it's selfish personally

ChaToilLeam · 12/08/2021 06:13

Everything is great, apparently, but you are still being punished by your husband years later for speaking against him.

If you cannot see how nuts this is, then it’s a good thing that a further child is not being brought into this situation.

girlmom21 · 12/08/2021 06:21

Ultimately he doesn't want a child with you because you betrayed him and don't respect him.

He no longer respects you.

Your home life isn't great and you clearly haven't got past what happened 4 years ago.

He's right not to have another child with you. I hope your current child isn't affected by the clear toxicity in your relationship.

Ginfilledcats · 12/08/2021 06:43

Erm it still sounds like you're in an abusive relationship to me, no normal person punishes their partner as yours is, saying you don't deserve another child/can't have your dream because you did the right thing by being honest in court.
Get out and find someone who will treat you better

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 12/08/2021 06:54

I don’t think anyone will understand the situation unless they were in it themselves.

I've been in EXACTLY the same situation. Emotionally abusive husband (low level, never hit me, could be lovely, etc etc) refused another child because he didn't want the hard work and expense basically. We got divorced and I'm happy with the one child I have. Having another in that relationship would have been a huge mistake. Just as it would be for you.

JulesCobb · 12/08/2021 06:55

How old are you, op? He wants more children but is telling you that you cannot have one because you dont deserve one. This is a very, very odd relationship. The person who doesnt want a child trumps the one who does. You have the option to leave. My concern here is that he is stringing you along long enough for it to really damage your fertility, then he will leave.

Shoxfordian · 12/08/2021 06:59

It sounds like a toxic relationship which won’t be fixed by another child

Gooseysgirl · 12/08/2021 07:24

What if he decides he wants more kids but not with you? And leaves you for someone else? Where would that leave you?

bookworm14 · 12/08/2021 07:30

This is about the fourth thread on the exact same topic I’ve seen within the past few days. Why are there so many?

In any case the answer is always the same: no one can force another person to want more children.

Kithic · 12/08/2021 07:38

@TeeTen

I can tell you one thing, if I was to miraculously have another child he would be over the moon. The child would be loved by him just like our child is loved now by him. She does not lack any love or affection from her father and another child wouldn’t either. As he says who wouldn’t want more children. But…….not me.
I’m saying is the reason he is holding back is to punish me

Just that comment says it looks, he is punishing you for some reason you said was done 4 years ago?

He is an arsehole - and would not be over the moon. It would be another stick to beat you with.

MakemeaCake · 12/08/2021 07:47

One thing that strikes me OP is that you keep going on about how your child wants a sibling.

IME this isn't something that kids usually say- it's the parent who wants another child.

You also assume that siblings love each other madly- you say 'walk hand in hand together' or words to that effect.

That's a very rosy way of looking at siblings.

I think I know as many siblings who barely speak to each other as those who are wonderfully happy.

You seem a bit unrealistic to be honest on this as well as the rest.

And like everyone else here, I can't fathom why you are with a man who you testified in court against. Without the context of his crime, your post is meaningless.

drpet49 · 12/08/2021 07:51

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Sakurami · 12/08/2021 07:54

One, you're already a mother. He's not denying you that.

Two, staying with a man who is punishing you for acting legally is insane. Your relationship sounds toxic and your logic/thinking is worrying.

Three, if you want to have more children and your partner doesn't, then the only thing you can do is leave and hope you find someone else to have more children with.

Whatinthelord · 12/08/2021 07:55

Op you have my sympathy because it sounds like you are in a really tough spot and really struggling with coming to terms with possibly not having another child. Also the comments you make about feeling your husband wants to punish you are really sad and I wonder, if he hasn’t moved on from the court case by now, when will he? Are you expected to let this hang over your head for the rest of your relationship? Has he accepted that, although you had to give evidence, it was he that committed the offence and has responsibility for the consequences?

As another poster said, it seems that he has made up his mind not to have another child, whether his reasons are genuine or “to punish”. So the I think your focus needs to be on either accepting that and working on your relationship (him working on himself) so he doesn’t feel the need to punish you….or you leave the relationship and see what things are like with your and your daughter living separately to him (and who knows maybe down the line another relationship/child or maybe not).

What you can’t do is keep going in circles feeling angry at him for not wanting a child and go using this as a stick to prod you with.

I really hope you find a resolution that you’re happy with.

MakemeaCake · 12/08/2021 08:16

I can hear you all now asking why do I even want another child with this kind of person etc and I have thought about it all and long story short I really want to be a mother again and it upsets me that I cannot give my child a sibling and cannot expand my family simply because he refuses me.

So in effect you want him as a sperm donor.

You refer to him as 'this guy'. Not your husband, or someone you love, but a man who will impregnate you so you can have another child.

And you think yours is a 'happy home' for the child you have now?

You need to re-think.

TwinsandTrifle · 12/08/2021 08:21

How do you know we aren’t on the other side and have worked through all that? Because it's clear from your post that this is by no means a healthy situation.
How do you know my situation isn’t good now and my child that I do have is safe and well? Because you are with a man "punishing" you with no further children for exposing his domestic abuse.

The incident took place years ago and is not a reflection of the current situation. It's literally the reason for the current situation.

TwinsandTrifle · 12/08/2021 08:30

I’m not trying to post updates to help my cause. I just see the point of the post was totally missed.

No one's missing your point. You just don't like what you're hearing. I'd say the advice you've been given is spot in.

TarotRiffleShuffle · 12/08/2021 08:31

OP were you pregnant when this incident happened with your partner?

RantyAunty · 12/08/2021 08:57

What did he actually do that ended up in court?

He doesn't want to have another. I think you'll have to accept it.

Besides, having a child is one of the most destructive things for the planet. We're in a pandemic, global warming, and overpopulation.

forumdonkey · 12/08/2021 09:16

@TeeTen

I’m not trying to post updates to help my cause. I just see the point of the post was totally missed.
Clearly your point is not being missed because all the posts from all the posters are saying the same thing to you. All these posters who are all individual people with their own opinions and nobody is saying what you want to hear. If all the weight of opinion is telling you that, maybe it's time to rethink your opinion
Sadiecow · 12/08/2021 09:23

TBH I think your desire for another child, even saying your existing child wants one (probably wants a dog, kitten, rabbit and goldfish also) is clouding your views.

I think you just see your husband as a sperm donor, this quote says nothing about love for your DH? Just about your existing child and it might not be best to start again because of her.

Ofcourse there’s great men out there and Ofcourse I can be with someone better but that’s not what I am discussing. I am well aware and fully informed about domestic violence and abusive relationships. I do know that at this point I am not up for starting a family with another man and wandering if he will accept the child I do have etc

I would seek counselling if I were you.

Montauklighthouse · 12/08/2021 09:24

This thread is utterly batshit Grin