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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband unreasonably refuses to have another child

240 replies

TeeTen · 11/08/2021 20:55

I currently have young daughter with my husband. I have wanted another child for quite some time now and he point blank refuses to have another child due to things which happened in the past in the marriage. To be quite honest the reasons he gives me for not wanting to have another child is because he ended up having to go to court and was reported by my family members and I had to give evidence against him. The marriage has consisted of a lot of ups and downs and this guy accepts zero responsibility for the things he has done but is basically punishing me as he had to face the consequences of his wrong doings as nothing is his fault. EVER. He is always the victim according to him and I don’t “deserve” any more children.

I can hear you all now asking why do I even want another child with this kind of person etc and I have thought about it all and long story short I really want to be a mother again and it upsets me that I cannot give my child a sibling and cannot expand my family simply because he refuses me. I’m being robbed of the chance of being a mother because that’s my punishment for daring to speak up against his wrong doings.

I’m in a difficult situation, I long to be a mother again and would absolutely love to have another child and my daughter would be really happy to have a sibling. But I cannot because he holds it over me as punishment and expects me to be happy and get on with life knowing how much I want it and can’t have it because that’s his decision. Sad

OP posts:
chipsandgin · 11/08/2021 23:57

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

You say:

this guy accepts zero responsibility for the things he has done

is basically punishing me

(he believes) *nothing is his fault. EVER

*He is always the victim according to him

(he says) I don’t “deserve” any more children

You know that less shit, less toxic and less nasty men are also capable of making babies right!? It’s a pretty low bar you’ve set yourself there.

If you aim a little higher there are kind, decent, loyal, loving men who won’t give their kids a blueprint of shitty, disrespectful relationships so the kids have some hope of developing self-esteem, self-worth and the strength to walk away from situations and people that aren’t worth their time when they grow up? It is possible to break the cycle OP.

Eslteacher06 · 12/08/2021 00:00

This update makes it perfectly clear you shouldn't have more children with him, regardless of what he thinks.

"It's all in the past but he's punishing me"

Sorry, but your point is... pointless. Don't add more madness to the pot.

Eggfriedpower · 12/08/2021 00:00

@TeeTen

I think my point is being missed. Most of you are assuming that he is the wise one and the good one as he is saying no to bringing a child into a toxic environment and a domestic violence situation etc etc. No he is not saying that. He is saying that Ofcourse he would love to have kids and who wouldn’t want to have more but because he was reported for his misconduct and because my family had to speak up again him that is the reason why I don’t deserve to have a child. The incident occurred around 4 years ago and is in the past. I am not discussing why I am with this person or why I haven’t left etc as I am not going into the full details of the relationship. All I’m saying is the reason he is holding back is to punish me not because he is concerned about an unborn child and is doing the right thing making a wise decision. And by the way I am a grown woman who knows very well about domestic violence and domestic abuse. The cycle and the need to leave and get out of the relationship etc I am not being stupid and selfish and asking to bring up a child in that environment just because I want one abs don’t care about the life it will have. I haven’t gone into detail about what I have been through and where I am at now. My point was the reason he doesn’t want to have a child with me is because I spoke up against him and how dare I do that.
If he's the kind of man who would do that then having a baby with him is not a good idea.
Alakashazam0 · 12/08/2021 00:01

He sounds like he'll never forgive you for whatever it is that happened. Your marriage is doomed. Why would either of you want to bring another child into this mess is beyond me. He has no respect for you and you're longing for something you will never get with him. Just cut your losses, have some respect for yourself and get away from this toxicity.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 12/08/2021 00:02

His reasoning isn't important in the debate about whether you should have another child with him: you shouldn't.

His reasoning IS important in the debate about whether you should stay in this toxic relationship: you shouldn't.

gamerchick · 12/08/2021 00:04

@TeeTen

Not at all. It’s not all about what I want.
Really?

can hear you all now asking why do I even want another child with this kind of person etc and I have thought about it all and long story short I really want to be a mother again

Hmm

You do not have the right to inflict this person on another child.

forumdonkey · 12/08/2021 00:05

Okay @TeeTen let's say things are hunky dory and all in the past.....in your words, he punishing you. Not normal, not right and not okay. Your relationship sounds awful and abusive

Original poster
TeeTen · 12/08/2021 00:05

Yeah I know all about the cycle and I know that there are good men out there that don’t behave in this manner. I am not saying I’m settling for this type of person and don’t wish to aim any higher.

Ofcourse there’s great men out there and Ofcourse I can be with someone better but that’s not what I am discussing. I am well aware and fully informed about domestic violence and abusive relationships. I do know that at this point I am not up for starting a family with another man and wandering if he will accept the child I do have etc

However I am also not saying that I have settled for this person and have no aim or intention of leaving or doing better for myself. Even if I didn’t get into a relationship with a better man I know I can still be very happy on my own with my child.

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 12/08/2021 00:06

You are already a mother.

You are continuing in an unhappy relationship with on going issues.

Why would you think having another child would be a good idea?

Sweetchocolatecandy · 12/08/2021 00:06

Your updates are not helping your cause, OP. I think it would be cruel to bring another child into your toxic, dysfunctional set up.

Original poster
TeeTen · 12/08/2021 00:07

I never said it was all hunky dory and I never asked for posters to tell me their opinion on whether the relationship is awful or not. My point was the guy is using having kids against me and I felt that was unreasonable.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeeTen · 12/08/2021 00:08

I’m not trying to post updates to help my cause. I just see the point of the post was totally missed.

OP posts:
soupforbrains · 12/08/2021 00:08

Without reading any of the details I am going to say that YABU.

The decision to have a child, whether it is a first child or ‘another’ child is huge and personal. You cannot force, or expect him to have more children than he wants. Just Imagine the response this would get if it was gender flipped.

He doesn’t want more children. You do. He has a right to his opinion on the matter. Just as you have a right to decide whether another child is more important to you than your existing relationship.

GettingItOutThere · 12/08/2021 00:09

im on his side...

You clearly are not compatible and need to leave each other and go have another baby wtih someone more compatible

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/08/2021 00:09

However I am also not saying that I have settled for this person and have no aim or intention of leaving or doing better for myself.

Even though you've described him as someone with no accountability, a history of 'misconduct' that made it to court, who wishes to punish you aka a man who is an abuser?

Your poor kid, what a relationship model to teach them.

Nobody was saying he's a good guy and sensible etc. Theyre saying IT is right not to have more children with an abusive man. Not HE is right to say you don't 'deserve' one.

You seem unwilling to step back and see the difference between saying yes IT is the right thing and yes HE is right to say you don't deserve another child.

He's an arsehole. And the fact you won't disclose what went to court (which means it met a high threshold as that doesn't happen lightly) means it's something damning and / or relevant to his capability to be a decent partner and parent.

You wanting another child doesn't take priority over the safety and wellness of that hypothetical child. The opposite is true, in fact.

Original poster
TeeTen · 12/08/2021 00:10

I love being a mother. I am a great mother. My child is very happy and healthy. My child wishes to have a sibling. I wish to have siblings for my child as I have grown up with siblings myself. I have always wanted to have a family and didn’t know that speaking up against a wrong doer would mean no more children. Anyways I think I have received enough opinions on the topic. 👍🏼

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/08/2021 00:11

@TeeTen

I love being a mother. I am a great mother. My child is very happy and healthy. My child wishes to have a sibling. I wish to have siblings for my child as I have grown up with siblings myself. I have always wanted to have a family and didn’t know that speaking up against a wrong doer would mean no more children. Anyways I think I have received enough opinions on the topic. 👍🏼
And despite not a single person thinking you should have another child with this man, youve chosen to ignore everyone. Good job.
Notonthestairs · 12/08/2021 00:12

It doesn't really matter why he doesn't want a child.

It should matter to both of you what sort of home life you'd be bringing a child in to.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/08/2021 00:12

I have always wanted to have a family and didn’t know that speaking up against a wrong doer would mean no more children.

Being a responsible parent means not choosing to have more children with a 'wrong doer'. Especially one who punishes you for the past, is never accountable etc.

SpindleWhorl · 12/08/2021 00:13

You've lost all sense of perspective, OP.

Eslteacher06 · 12/08/2021 00:14

Ok. Here you go.

It is unreasonable to use not having kids against you.

But you are unreasonable to even consider having more kids in this situation. All you will do is cause your kids a lifetime of therapy. Is being a mother again really more important?

Sweetchocolatecandy · 12/08/2021 00:14

It seems that whenever anyone posts something you don’t like you tell them they are ‘missing the point’. In which case, what was the point of your thread? Hmm

PoppyDotx · 12/08/2021 00:16

@TeeTen

How do you know we aren’t on the other side and have worked through all that? How do you know my situation isn’t good now and my child that I do have is safe and well? The incident took place years ago and is not a reflection of the current situation. Thanks.
We know because he's punishing you for the past, you're over nothing sadly. You may think he has the wrong reasons for not wanting another child but honestly from what you've said it's definitely the right decision.
Original poster
TeeTen · 12/08/2021 00:16

The matter that was dealt with in court resulted in no severe punishment. Infact he was admonished. The threshold was not high and he barely got a slap on the wrist and the reason I mentioned it was to let you know that because of him having to go to court resulted in him saying I won’t have another child.

You guys are focused on what happened with the court situation. Yes it is not right to have a child in a toxic environment but I also know what is best for my family and I also had dreams in life to be a mother and have children after marriage and that was suddenly taken away from me. I don’t think anyone will understand the situation unless they were in it themselves.

Ofcourse me wanting a child doesn’t take priority over it’s health and well-being. As I said my child is happy and healthy and I would never bring a child into this world knowing it wouldn’t be healthy and happy and in a safe environment. God what do you think I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeeTen · 12/08/2021 00:16

Home life is great.

OP posts: