Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband unreasonably refuses to have another child

240 replies

TeeTen · 11/08/2021 20:55

I currently have young daughter with my husband. I have wanted another child for quite some time now and he point blank refuses to have another child due to things which happened in the past in the marriage. To be quite honest the reasons he gives me for not wanting to have another child is because he ended up having to go to court and was reported by my family members and I had to give evidence against him. The marriage has consisted of a lot of ups and downs and this guy accepts zero responsibility for the things he has done but is basically punishing me as he had to face the consequences of his wrong doings as nothing is his fault. EVER. He is always the victim according to him and I don’t “deserve” any more children.

I can hear you all now asking why do I even want another child with this kind of person etc and I have thought about it all and long story short I really want to be a mother again and it upsets me that I cannot give my child a sibling and cannot expand my family simply because he refuses me. I’m being robbed of the chance of being a mother because that’s my punishment for daring to speak up against his wrong doings.

I’m in a difficult situation, I long to be a mother again and would absolutely love to have another child and my daughter would be really happy to have a sibling. But I cannot because he holds it over me as punishment and expects me to be happy and get on with life knowing how much I want it and can’t have it because that’s his decision. Sad

OP posts:
Grimsknee · 12/08/2021 00:17

He doesn't sound like a reasonable person, hence he is behaving unreasonably.
What pp are asking (and I also wonder) is why you want to have a baby with someone who has done something so serious that you gave evidence against them in court?

Original poster
TeeTen · 12/08/2021 00:18

Bring the unborn child into what? What am I bringing it into? My home environment is happy and safe and no child is in any danger or unhappy or unsafe. So I would be giving the child a happy and wonderful life but you are all determined that I am bringing it into a horrible situation and I am not.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeeTen · 12/08/2021 00:20

You do realise things end up in court which aren’t that serious? Surely you have all been in situations in life where you have seen or heard someone else do something bad or wrong? I had to turn up to court because I witnessed an incident and he didn’t like that I was honest about what I witnessed.

OP posts:
Worriesome · 12/08/2021 00:21

Okay forget about everything, why do you want to have a child with someone who doesn’t want a child? It’s a two parent job, a child is for life not just temporary.

PoppyDotx · 12/08/2021 00:21

@TeeTen

Home life is great.
Except your husband is still punishing you right? That doesn't sound like a great home life but I don't know your situation or standards regardless of whatever anyone says on this thread, your dh doesn't want another child for whatever reason and honestly he is entitled to that so you need to decide what's more important to you - whether that's staying in this relationship where your dh will always punish you and hold this over you as a form of control or leave, be a single parent and possibly meet someone who wants to have a baby.

I'm not sure what other options they are.

Eslteacher06 · 12/08/2021 00:21

Your kid will pick up the negativity between you and your husband without you knowing. Would you want your child to be with someone like her father? Because history repeats itself. The way he treats you, will be your daughter's role model

I'm not attacking you, but I'm trying to say that having a child in this situation is just plain selfish. Imagine you got pregnant and he had told you he didn't want another? He may hate you, and worse the child.

You're just very blinkered.

AlternativePerspective · 12/08/2021 00:22

As soon as I read your thread title I thought that you were the unreasonable one.

It doesn’t matter why someone doesn’t want children, no-one is ever unreasonable for not wanting them.

Whatever his faults, and clearly you’re blind to them or choosing to live in denial, at least he’s been honest about the fact that he doesn’t want children with you.

This situation is a terrible environment even for your existing child, let alone bringing more into.

Oh, and a good mother is one who puts her children first. Hth.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/08/2021 00:22

@TeeTen

Home life is great.
The home life where he tells you that you don't 'deserve' another child as a punishment and never takes accountability? That's great?
Sweetchocolatecandy · 12/08/2021 00:23

@TeeTen

Bring the unborn child into what? What am I bringing it into? My home environment is happy and safe and no child is in any danger or unhappy or unsafe. So I would be giving the child a happy and wonderful life but you are all determined that I am bringing it into a horrible situation and I am not.
Ignoring his history of abuse and the fact that you had to give evidence against him in court, he continues to play mind games, emotionally abuse you and punish you by refusing to give you more children. I fail to see how this is a ‘happy and wonderful’ home life that you have. In fact, I worry for your child.
Equalrighty · 12/08/2021 00:24

I think regardless of your history surely every man or woman should have the right to choose whether or not to have a child? I would hate to feel forced to have a child I did not want to have :/

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/08/2021 00:24

@TeeTen

Bring the unborn child into what? What am I bringing it into? My home environment is happy and safe and no child is in any danger or unhappy or unsafe. So I would be giving the child a happy and wonderful life but you are all determined that I am bringing it into a horrible situation and I am not.
Into a home in which one of their parents actively didn't want them to be born. A parent who said tbe other parent didn't deserve for them to be born. That's what they'd be brought into. You think that's a healthy environment for a child?
youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/08/2021 00:25

@TeeTen

You do realise things end up in court which aren’t that serious? Surely you have all been in situations in life where you have seen or heard someone else do something bad or wrong? I had to turn up to court because I witnessed an incident and he didn’t like that I was honest about what I witnessed.
You won't share the incident though, even vaguely. So it's something you know people would react strongly to.
Original poster
TeeTen · 12/08/2021 00:28

Exactly it’s a two person job. But I am doing it pretty much myself as he works a lot and my family is so supportive. I would do the same again on my own because I know I can and I give my child everything and would do the same for any future child.

So I want one and he doesn’t because I’m terrible for speaking against him. He wants children but I deserve to be punished so therefore we can’t have another one.

So why does it not matter that I want one and im being told no. But he is saying no so I shouldn’t want one or ask for another.

Yeah a child is for life I’m not stupid. I have a child and she is my life and I give her all my time and love and I would do the same for any other child until the end of my days. I’m not saying I want a child temporarily. I am the committed parent and love my child more than anything else in the world.

he doesn’t want one so I should sacrifice my dreams and goals and support his decision. What about him supporting my decision and what I want and what my child wants? Nah that’s not valid is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
TeeTen · 12/08/2021 00:29

Carry on assuming. There’s nothing more to discuss. I have shared more than enough.

OP posts:
alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 12/08/2021 00:29

It doesn't matter what you want though, or how good a mother you think you are, or how unreasonable you think he is being. At the end of the day he doesn't want another child with you. So you can blame and analyse as much as you like, but you have to accept his decision. To be honest, I think he has made the right choice, even if you think it is for the wrong reasons, no child should be brought into this toxic situation.

Japanesejazz · 12/08/2021 00:29

Going to court is not normal
Are you suggesting that most couples iron out their complaints against each other in court?
After the CPS have decided there is a case to answer?
Do you have any idea of the time and costs involved of taking a case to court?

Eslteacher06 · 12/08/2021 00:31

If the need for a child overides your relationship, then find another guy to have a kid with. Or a sperm donar.

Why are you forcing your husband to have a child he doesn't want? Why is it all about you?!

Original poster
TeeTen · 12/08/2021 00:31

I can tell you one thing, if I was to miraculously have another child he would be over the moon. The child would be loved by him just like our child is loved now by him. She does not lack any love or affection from her father and another child wouldn’t either. As he says who wouldn’t want more children. But…….not me.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/08/2021 00:32

So I want one and he doesn’t because I’m terrible for speaking against him. He wants children but I deserve to be punished so therefore we can’t have another one.

Wanting to stay with a man with this much contempt for you, let alone wanting to have another child with him, is hugely troubling.

OP how can you say that home life is "great" with a man who behaves the way you've described in the comment I've bolded above?

You can't genuinely think this is a great home life / relationship?

Eslteacher06 · 12/08/2021 00:34

I'm starting to think this is bulls**t. No one is this dense.

BriocheBuns · 12/08/2021 00:37

You only have 2 options: make peace with what you have or move on. Grieving something you don’t have will only make you miserable.

TheSkatesOfCoachBombay · 12/08/2021 00:39

OP in the kindest of tones.

You can't force someone to have another child. You just can't.

He's made up his mind, he's holding firm. There's nothing you can do about it.

So you either now have to accept this and move on in the relationship, or it is a deal breaker, you can end the relationship and then have another child either with an agreeable man or via a sperm donor.

That's all you can do now. Find peace or move on.

Original poster
TeeTen · 12/08/2021 00:39

I’m not forcing him to have a child. I don’t even discuss it anymore with him. I think that’s really rude saying that actually.

It’s not all about me clearly it’s all about him. He gets what he wants doesn’t he. I am thinking about my child’s future and trying to give her a sibling so she can walk through life with a brother or a sister. He also wants to have children and loves kids but can’t with me as he is being unreasonable and I say it again he is being unreasonable.

How’s this all about me when I have sacrificed 4 years or 5 not having another child. Am I not allowed to feel sad and upset about that especially as this is a punishment I deserve and that’s the reason I never had more children.

I would never force someone to have a child with me. It’s been 4-5 years and I don’t have another if I was forcing him surely I would have had another by now.

As I said I can’t see myself starting a relationship with another person at this stage in my life and then spending the years getting to know him and then getting to the point of having a family. I have accepted that it’s the end of the road for me in terms of wanting another child and i can’t say I’m thrilled about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeeTen · 12/08/2021 00:43

Yeah I came to this conclusion a while ago.

I am not forcing anyone to have a child with me. I have actually been backed into a corner and not allowed to have a child as I’m a terrible person for speaking up against the guy.

I know I won’t have another child again and it upsets me and makes me sad hence why I posted the thread as it was on my mind. I have days when I’m very sad as I never got the chance to have another child when I am able and I am a great mother. He won and got what he wanted and gets to be happy and I sacrifice my happiness and move on with life.

I considered a sperm donor and considered ending the relationship too. Won’t go into details I think we shall leave it there.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeeTen · 12/08/2021 00:44

Exactly! That’s exactly the situation.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread