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Original poster

Husband unreasonably refuses to have another child

240 replies

TeeTen · 11/08/2021 20:55

I currently have young daughter with my husband. I have wanted another child for quite some time now and he point blank refuses to have another child due to things which happened in the past in the marriage. To be quite honest the reasons he gives me for not wanting to have another child is because he ended up having to go to court and was reported by my family members and I had to give evidence against him. The marriage has consisted of a lot of ups and downs and this guy accepts zero responsibility for the things he has done but is basically punishing me as he had to face the consequences of his wrong doings as nothing is his fault. EVER. He is always the victim according to him and I don’t “deserve” any more children.

I can hear you all now asking why do I even want another child with this kind of person etc and I have thought about it all and long story short I really want to be a mother again and it upsets me that I cannot give my child a sibling and cannot expand my family simply because he refuses me. I’m being robbed of the chance of being a mother because that’s my punishment for daring to speak up against his wrong doings.

I’m in a difficult situation, I long to be a mother again and would absolutely love to have another child and my daughter would be really happy to have a sibling. But I cannot because he holds it over me as punishment and expects me to be happy and get on with life knowing how much I want it and can’t have it because that’s his decision. Sad

OP posts:
gannett · 12/08/2021 09:47

OP his behaviour towards you is awful. Sounds like he's petty and vindictive, and might still be emotionally abusive. But he's STILL not unreasonable in not wanting another child. He gets to decide his reproductive future for himself.

Why do you feel entitled to his sperm? He's not withholding it from you because it's not yours to take.

I might want a diamond necklace. I might think that DP can afford to buy me one. He might disagree. But if he doesn't give it to me as a gift, he's not withholding it from me. If I want that diamond necklace I have to take steps myself to get it, or accept life without it.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/08/2021 11:12

Most of you are assuming that he is the wise one and the good one nope, most of us think he's an abusive dick
He is saying that Ofcourse he would love to have kids and who wouldn’t want to have more but because he was reported for his misconduct and because my family had to speak up again him that is the reason why I don’t deserve to have a child just one example of his abusive behaviour.
All I’m saying is the reason he is holding back is to punish me aka abusive relationship
the reason he doesn’t want to have a child with me is because I spoke up against him and how dare I do that. Because he's ab abusive and controlling dick

A healthy relationship doesn't involve one person punishing another person for years because the first person did something wrong.

A healthy relationship doesn't involve telling the other person you want the same thing but you won't because they don't deserve to be happy

Myla2 · 12/08/2021 11:21

I think YOU'RE missing our point op.

You keep trying to highlight the fact that you and your husbands marriage Is past all the bad days and that he isnt who we was before.

Yet he is literally proving to you his still has that nasty tendency there by "punishing" you. It is abuse op. I don't think you understand,maybe because you've been with him for too long and become normalised to it, that behaviour is not normal or okay. No caring loving guy would do that to you.

So I think people feel the need to address the bigger issue here as you are not. You are too upset over the fact he wont give you a child to see or prioritise the real problem. The way he is towards you. You are not a child to be punished. He cant treat his equal like that. That is spiteful, vindictive and utterly mean.

If that is what you want to settle for in life than so be it. But he clearly resents you for what happened and this will continue to show throughout your lifes together in other ways and that is SCARY op.

At least he refuses to have a child. That's the last thing you need right now with a person like him.

Myla2 · 12/08/2021 11:34

Also again op you ARE a mother. You talk as if you've been deprived of ever experiencing this and it makes you sound like you are discrediting your first child. Maybe learn to be abit more grateful for what you have. Many people cant have children at all and many dont get to have the number of children they want. At least you have a lovely dd to love and be loved by. Your child doesnt need a sibling, she needs a happy and healthy environment to grow up in, not a abusive controlling person of a dad and unhappy mum.

ShallWeStartTheMeeting · 12/08/2021 11:45

Are we talking about DV or drink driving?

SleepingStandingUp · 12/08/2021 11:53

he doesn’t want one so I should sacrifice my dreams and goals and support his decision
No. If it mattered this much, you should have left and done it without him. You chose to stay in a relationship with someone who refused to have a child purely as a way of punishing you. How can you even like each other??

Has he had a vasectomy? or is he refusing so you keep a modicum of hope / he has choices later on without you?

The crime happened 4 years ago, you've gone 4 or 5 years without a second child so you had the baby when he did something significant enough that your family intervened and you had to give evidence. That should have been the moment you left.
You talk about at your time of life so om assuming late 30s. Is this the kind of man you want to spend the next 50 years with?

Kithic · 12/08/2021 11:55

@TeeTen

Home life is great.
Its not though really is it?

You're living with a man who is punishing you for telling the truth.

Nanny0gg · 12/08/2021 13:41

@TeeTen

I love being a mother. I am a great mother. My child is very happy and healthy. My child wishes to have a sibling. I wish to have siblings for my child as I have grown up with siblings myself. I have always wanted to have a family and didn’t know that speaking up against a wrong doer would mean no more children. Anyways I think I have received enough opinions on the topic. 👍🏼
And you're not listening to any of them
ImprobablePuffin · 12/08/2021 16:00

@TeeTen

Home life is great.
If he is still punishing you for a historical event, then home life is not great. Simple.
Boogiethebeat · 12/08/2021 19:24

Existing children should always be the absolute top priority. I can't find a gentler way to state that you are being delusional if you think this man's current behaviour is any different from his abusive actions in the past. Focus on giving your existing child a healthier and more stable home life away from this man instead of bringing another child into a very unsuitable situation.

upaladderagain · 13/08/2021 13:40

I don't understand why you're here.

Dozens of people telling you, based on your own words, that you would be unreasonable to bring an innocent human being into a relationship where one partner is 'punishing' the other, and the whole set-up sounds toxic and unhealthy, and your repeated response is 'yes but, yes but, you all don't understand....'

I can almost see you foot stamping when you're not getting the replies you so obviously want.

Plumtree391 · 13/08/2021 14:45

Well, dreams of being a mother have not been taken away from you because you have a child. Plenty of 'only' children grow up happy and healthy with parents who are glad to have had them.

Peach01 · 13/08/2021 15:08

To be quite honest the reasons he gives me for not wanting to have another child is because he ended up having to go to court and was reported by my family members and I had to give evidence against him
This is big. No matter his reason, if he doesn't want to, he shouldn't be pushed. You already have a child so will understand the responsibility.

The marriage has consisted of a lot of ups and downs and this guy accepts zero responsibility for the things he has done but is basically punishing me as he had to face the consequences of his wrong doings as nothing is his fault. EVER. He is always the victim according to him and I don’t “deserve” any more children.
I am wondering why you want to have more children with him. It sounds like there's resentment here. Do you really want to have more children with someone who can't take responsibility and is always the victim? Children pick up on behaviours and dynamics if their parents.

MakemeaCake · 13/08/2021 15:43

I don't understand why you're here.

she's not @upaladderagain :)

The OP disappeared ages ago when she didn't get the replies she wanted.

Frymetothemoon · 13/08/2021 15:45

The unreasonable one here is you, I'm afraid. You should never try to coerce someone into having a child

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