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Original poster

Husband unreasonably refuses to have another child

240 replies

TeeTen · 11/08/2021 20:55

I currently have young daughter with my husband. I have wanted another child for quite some time now and he point blank refuses to have another child due to things which happened in the past in the marriage. To be quite honest the reasons he gives me for not wanting to have another child is because he ended up having to go to court and was reported by my family members and I had to give evidence against him. The marriage has consisted of a lot of ups and downs and this guy accepts zero responsibility for the things he has done but is basically punishing me as he had to face the consequences of his wrong doings as nothing is his fault. EVER. He is always the victim according to him and I don’t “deserve” any more children.

I can hear you all now asking why do I even want another child with this kind of person etc and I have thought about it all and long story short I really want to be a mother again and it upsets me that I cannot give my child a sibling and cannot expand my family simply because he refuses me. I’m being robbed of the chance of being a mother because that’s my punishment for daring to speak up against his wrong doings.

I’m in a difficult situation, I long to be a mother again and would absolutely love to have another child and my daughter would be really happy to have a sibling. But I cannot because he holds it over me as punishment and expects me to be happy and get on with life knowing how much I want it and can’t have it because that’s his decision. Sad

OP posts:
TheSkatesOfCoachBombay · 12/08/2021 00:44

Well yes he does get what he wants. Because the not wanting a child partner always trump's the I want another child partner.

You are very clearly upset about this, and I do understand and empathise. But you are choosing to stay in this situation, therefore you must come to terms with your choice.

There's nothing anyone can say or do for you, you've made your mind up to stay as much as he's made his mind up not to have another. You are both in some sort of check mate of.life by your own devices and decisions.

AnAnonymousCheerleader · 12/08/2021 00:45

@TeeTen

Bring the unborn child into what? What am I bringing it into? My home environment is happy and safe and no child is in any danger or unhappy or unsafe. So I would be giving the child a happy and wonderful life but you are all determined that I am bringing it into a horrible situation and I am not.
How can it be happy when you are with a man who, by your own words, is saying no to a child to punish you for something you say is in the past and that you've worked through.

Let's pretend he was in court for stealing a loaf of bread to feed a starving family, it's his actions now and wishing to punish you for following the law when called to give evidence against him.

He can say no to a baby for any reason he likes and that should be respected. But the very fact that he is saying no just to punish you is what makes this a shit toxic relationship. There's nothing happy or healthy about that dynamic in any relationship

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/08/2021 00:45

It's fine to be sad and grieve not having another child with this bloke, even though he sounds like a horrible bully. Nobody is saying that you aren't allowed feel that way about having another child. They're saying it's unhealthy to want another child within an unhealthy relationship where your partner says you don't deserve one / punishes you.

You don't seem open to taking that on board so perhaps some counselling would help you process this and see that distinction a bit more clearly.

Eslteacher06 · 12/08/2021 00:46

Why, oh why, pray tell have you come on an internet forum to discuss this? Because people are not here to tell you what you want to hear, they are here to give unbias advice.

I understand you feel upset about it all. I honestly get that as my husband has also said no more children. But I don't resent him for it. I respect his decision. You need to respect your husband....if you have this wonderful home life you keep talking about

AcrossthePond55 · 12/08/2021 00:47

I'm not 'missing' anything. He does not want another child with you. It doesn't matter why or whether you think his reasons are wrong. He just doesn't. And that's the deciding factor. Whether he's 'punishing you' or 'denying himself' doesn't matter. He has made the decision that he's entitled to make for any reason he chooses to make it.

You have no right to demand a child if he doesn't want one. He has no right to demand you stay with him because of his decision. If you choose not to leave and take your chances on finding someone else, that's fine. But it doesn't change the facts. Not wanting a child always trumps wanting a child, regardless of the reason.

I don't get what you are looking for in this thread. Even if everyone here were to agree with you 100%, what would that accomplish? He'd still feel the way he feels. Are you looking for justification to trick him into a pregnancy? Because that would be so, so wrong.

BasicDad · 12/08/2021 00:48

If you are not prepared to leave, then I'm afraid you will have to grieve for the second child you never had. Beyond deceiving him (which is pretty morally wrong), I don't see any resolution of your situation.

Hannsmum · 12/08/2021 00:48

Honestly OP, in the kindest way you seem confused.

You want people to tell you whether your husband is BU or not because he is punishing you by not having another child

OF COURSE he is not BU for not wanting another child even if he thinks he is punishing you with it. It is his choice.

It's also your choice if you want to stay with him or not.

But you are being defensive saying you know why you are with him etc

So what do you want people on her to tell you Confused

I think you guys should just call it quits..Seems the relationship is confused

You are being defensive all over thread

acatcalledjohn · 12/08/2021 00:48

The wilful ignorance is strong in this thread.

Nogardenersworld · 12/08/2021 00:48

Op I understand why you’re upset
Anyone that wants a child or more children and their partner doesn’t agree, would be upset

But you keep saying home life is great etc. But it isn’t. If it was great you wouldn’t have gone to court and if you had dealt with all that and moved on and he was a nice person he wouldn’t be spiteful against his own wish to have a child, just to ‘punish’ you. Happy homes don’t have adults punishing each other.

You are not being robbed - it’s your choice to stay with him, and you do have a child.
He is allowed to not want another child.

I’m genuinely, in the kindest possible way, not sure how you see this situation or this thread going?

AssistancePlz · 12/08/2021 00:49

I agree with a previous poster, it seems hard for you to accept and see that the relationship in itself is a very damaging one. Put the child situation to one side and the relationship itself sounds unhinged. I echo the Counselling suggestion. I think you need some therapy or help in muddling through your feelings x

WorraLiberty · 12/08/2021 00:51

So you're choosing to stay forever with a husband who says he's punishing you by not letting you have another child, due to the fact his behaviour was so bad that you had to take him to court and get your family involved too?

How happy do you think your life is going to be when you're too old to have kids?

Resentment is a marriage killer and I'd put money on the fact the child you already do have, will certainly pick up on that.

Hekatestorch · 12/08/2021 00:53

So you prosecuted him for DV. But stayed with him? And then Had a child with him?

He now won't have a child with you because you dared to testify against him.

Its toxic AF. And honestly, whatever the reason for him not having another, he is still right

This is a terrible situation, to have your daughter in. Never mind adding another child into the mix.

Your poor daughter

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/08/2021 00:55

But you keep saying home life is great etc. But it isn’t. If it was great you wouldn’t have gone to court and if you had dealt with all that and moved on and he was a nice person he wouldn’t be spiteful against his own wish to have a child, just to ‘punish’ you. Happy homes don’t have adults punishing each other.

This. Can you see this OP?

Justmi · 12/08/2021 01:01

Since you have already spent many years without another child I think you just need to let it go, IF what you said about not wanting another man and starting over etc. is true. Just focus on your daughter as tbh your home may be "happy" on appearance but there is some deep rooted issues that I hope you both can solve for your daughter and the worst thing that would happen is that you don't stick it out and finally want to have someone else give you a child when its too late naturally.. That will leave you divorced, still no child, bitter and resentful etc. Please, we only have one life to live be wise.

LitCrit · 12/08/2021 01:03

Isnt the point that he’s clearly an arsehole and why would you want to have another child with an arsehole?

Amima · 12/08/2021 01:05

He’s allowed to say no to having a child with you. If you want one well that’s just tough. His “no” trumps your wishes. Tbh you sound unhinged.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 12/08/2021 01:26

Your home life sounds a mess, your husband sounds like a bully, you come across as selfish. Why would you even want to bring a baby into such a toxic relationship? You say you want to stay with him, you obviously have your reasons, great stay with him but accept that it wouldn’t be fair to have a baby whilst you are living with him. Babies should be raised in an environment filled with love and support, not where their parents are punishing each other.what kind of life is that for a child. You do see that right?

pascheretloire · 12/08/2021 01:29

If he doesn't want one, you have to respect his choice. TBH you don't even sound as if you love him.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 12/08/2021 01:37

You're not getting it. You can't apply logic to it because this is all about feelings and toxicity, so there isn't any. You can't argue he should father another child, because that's not how it works. Even if he would father a thousand children with a thousand other women, he's said he doesn't want to do it with you, and though that's hurtful it sounds like it's not changeable with logical argument. So believe him, and move on.

I really hope you get the help you need to leave the relationship and find your worth, OP Thanks

AlternativePerspective · 12/08/2021 02:34

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Finknottlesnewt · 12/08/2021 02:53

Of course it's unreasonable for him to refuse you another child as a PUNISHMENT !! What people can't get their heads around is why you CHOOSE to remain with a man who would inflict a punishment or any kind on their wife. Be that physical or psychological. ? Someone who chooses to subject a life partner to continuous punishment is not a loving partner and you should remove that power from him by refusing to continue to be his wife. That is YOUR choice. !

You cannot make people behave decently by simply wishing it - especially when like your DH. they have deliberately decided to hold you responsible for doing something they didn't like. Yet had to be done. It will NEVER happen. You can only change your own response.
Yes of course it's unreasonable. He IS unreasonable. That is fact. Nevertheless that FACT will not get you another baby because a husband should love his wife and want her happiness. Which he clearly doesn't. So the question is, why on earth would you remain with someone so demonstrably unreasonable towards you ?

Topseyt · 12/08/2021 03:45

@TeeTen

Home life is great.
Bollocks.
KihoBebiluPute · 12/08/2021 04:28

I don't think people are "missing the point" as such. I don't think that your DH is "wise' or "correct" but the person described here:

He is saying that Ofcourse he would love to have kids and who wouldn’t want to have more but because he was reported for his misconduct and because my family had to speak up again him that is the reason why I don’t deserve to have a child. The incident occurred around 4 years ago and is in the past.

... is intrinsically an awful person who should not be inflicted as a father onto an innocent child when there are plenty of good men in the world. So yes it's a good thing that he doesn't want to father a child with you.

A good person does not behave in the way that you describe him as behaving.

AgentJohnson · 12/08/2021 04:29

The incident took place years ago and is not a reflection of the current situation. Thanks.

If he’s using it against you now, it’s not in the past for him.

alexdgr8 · 12/08/2021 05:10

OP, i'm trying to understand and think maybe some others on here have gone down the wrong track/ made assumptions about the court thing.
was it a driving offence, or some kind of fraud/tax evasion/company law offence, maybe involving your family in a joint business.
whatever it was, i can see that there are many more types of offence than offences against the person ie assault.
was this an arranged marriage, OP.
i just wondered because the way you speak of it sounds very transactional.
as if your husband is just or mainly a purveyor of sperm which he is unreasonably withholding from you, and therefore not giving you your reasonable rights/expectations as a wife. hence you feel cheated.
if that is the background i can see why most people on here cannot relate to it.
it sounds like something from the days of henry the 8th. no offence.
anyway what can you do. have you thought of marriage counselling.
would he go. even if not, it might help you to go alone.
to speak to someone neutral, and totally confidentially.