How do I stand up for myself facing my abuser in court

[Queenie6655]

Court case in a few days

I'm so so worried

Yes I have done nothing wrong

He has made it all out to be my fault

He tried to kill me
Hurt my child
Knife to my throat

I'm so used to believing this man and letting him get his way that I have mentally prepared myself for a total and utter shambles ahead of me and to be victim blamed

Why didn't I leave
Why forgive him!!

I caused a lot of these problems by covering up for him

How will I stand up for myself in court and try to tell my story ??!!!?

@HirplesWithHaggis

Yes, pretty much sit and wait, but putting it all to the back of your mind. It's not an immediate concern.

It is possible they will drop the two serious charges rather than go to a retrial, it depends on why the first trial failed. (I understand you may not be able to share that information.) But I personally think (I am not a lawyer) the retrial will go ahead as long as you are willing to give evidence again. CPS know they nearly had him, and he's a bad 'un.

In the meantime, he has pleaded guilty to three charges, and will be sentenced on those in the next month or so. I hope your friendly copper will update you when it happens, and I hope it is jail time.

Wow ok

Yes the DC has been very helpful must say

Barrister said yesterday he will def need to be 'bringing his toothbrush' the next time he appears 😲😲

Well, that's promising.

You can relax now, it's all out of your hands, and there's nothing more you can do.

Although, if the three charges he has admitted relate to offences against you, you might be asked to provide a "victim impact statement". Not sure how that happens, though. Might be something to ask Victim Support about?

@HirplesWithHaggis

Well, that's promising.

You can relax now, it's all out of your hands, and there's nothing more you can do.

Although, if the three charges he has admitted relate to offences against you, you might be asked to provide a "victim impact statement". Not sure how that happens, though. Might be something to ask Victim Support about?

Yes I compiled a vIS a while ago

Many thanks

@GremlinDolphin4

Hi so sorry you are going through this.

I’ve done it (twice as he was allowed to appeal after being convicted the first time!) and it is not a pleasant experience although he was convicted and his appeal dismissed.

He will most likely be represented by a woman (makes him look better) and her sole purpose is to get to you! You just need to keep calm, and when she tries to say you made things up etc just keep repeating yourself - what I said happened actually happened, what I said in my statement happened, I didn’t lie etc.

Try not to give them additional information as they will then do their best to twist it.

As someone else said, remember the judges have seen all this before.

Sending you love, strength and clarity.

Also this advice is so true

He had a female bull dog barrister

She mocked me a little at one point and I so wish I pulled her up on it

@Justilou1

Oh my poor, darling… we’ll be here

Thank you

Have you applied for Criminal Injuries Compensation? With the case being brought to court you can apply for compensation for injuries including injury to your mental health & stand a good chance of having a good result. It takes about 3 - 6 months from your application but if in the meantime he gets found guilty then this will go in your favour.

Wow I had no idea

Thank you

Will look into it

I doubt it will be much but something at least

Took a look online
Have started the process

Thanks again all

Will keep everyone updated

This help has been so so useful and comforting 🙏❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Be careful OP, not sure if rules are different in different places but my OIC told me not to apply for CIC until after trial, as his defence could use that against me in my trial. I rang CIC and they confirmed this and told me I could open a case afterwards and explain my reasoning for delay in applying

Definitely speak to your solicitor first. I think that it makes sense to wait or you will be painted as a money-grabber. (You know how they like to discredit the witnesses.) That would definitely be used against you, although I think it’s the LEAST you deserve. Maybe once he’s charged with everything you might get more?!?!

Oh my gosh ok

Funny this came into my mind last night so won't go ahead

It is good to know this exists

Today I feel like I may lose my mind

It is all just hitting me know

Thank you all for every single piece of advice and words of encouragement xxxxxxx

Also for anyone about to go through the court process

Re read this thread that helped me hugely

And bear in mind the defence may mention things you have never actually said

For eg his bull dog barrister used a word I had not said the previous day
I pulled her up on it
But i think she did it to either upset me or throw me off balance some how

Try to anticipate the angle they may attempt to take

I called him names via text at the very very end of 4 years of abuse - first thing she start with was a print out of those messages to show how abusive I was (it was the first time I spoke out properly)

You've been through an incredibly stressful experience, having to relive years of abuse and defend yourself at the same time. You've had sleepless nights and horrible dreams, and now there's.... nothing. Not any kind of resolution, the courts and the lawyers move on and you're left just dangling. No wonder you feel somewhat odd today.

Be kind to yourself. Rest. Eat food you like, watch light hearted telly, go for a walk, immerse yourself in nature, have a mad mental boogy, whatever works for you. We'll be here.

@HirplesWithHaggis

You've been through an incredibly stressful experience, having to relive years of abuse and defend yourself at the same time. You've had sleepless nights and horrible dreams, and now there's.... nothing. Not any kind of resolution, the courts and the lawyers move on and you're left just dangling. No wonder you feel somewhat odd today.

Be kind to yourself. Rest. Eat food you like, watch light hearted telly, go for a walk, immerse yourself in nature, have a mad mental boogy, whatever works for you. We'll be here.

Yes that sums it up very well !!!!

Just had a lovely indulgent lunch

Going easy on myself

Been hell

But I know I can do this

And to all the people out there going through the same -
It is hard but you can nail them !!!!!!

The system is brutal but good people along the way help immensely

I imagine that one day (after all this is done and your self-esteem is sky high and you feel safe again) you will find yourself helping others who have been there too.

I think she's already helping others there now, just by posting. Her honesty in sharing the ups and down, the fears and the reliefs shows she's not in fact any kind of superwoman, and perhaps gives someone else a little of the courage she has shown so far. Ordinary every day women can stand up and be strong, and they can find support.

More power to you Queenie, and sorry for talking about you in the third person there.

Oh yes, absolutely! I meant maybe in a professional capacity if she wanted to.

Sorry, I wasn't meaning to do you down. Just got a bit emotional on Queenie's behalf. Of course she will be able to share her experiences and help others, and of course she needs to take time and gather strength (not to mention go through the whole damn thing again!) in the meantime. Gah.

Yes absolutely

That's what I would like to do

In the meantime I give money and donate products to our local woman's aid

I can. Not believe men in this world are capable of this

100s of incidents

One day he will be jailed
Need to keep that in mind
And thanks all so so much

Body feels like the day I ended up in hospital for a few days due to one of the beatings

Like it's reliving it again

Can not warm myself up 🥶

Could be a form of shock. You've spent weeks running on adrenaline and limited sleep, in a high stress situation, and now that's all over. Self care is what you need, do things that feel good to you. A warm bath, cuddle a hot water bottle, wrap yourself in comfy blankets. Listen to soothing music or nature sounds, drink hot chocolate. Hold yourself.

@HirplesWithHaggis

Could be a form of shock. You've spent weeks running on adrenaline and limited sleep, in a high stress situation, and now that's all over. Self care is what you need, do things that feel good to you. A warm bath, cuddle a hot water bottle, wrap yourself in comfy blankets. Listen to soothing music or nature sounds, drink hot chocolate. Hold yourself.

Yes to all of this 👏🙏❤️

And watching endless kitten and puppy videos 🤩🤣

Kittens and puppies are good, but pandas, baby goats and otters are fab too. 🥰🥰🥰 When you’re up to it, can recommend a form of trauma recovery counselling/therapy called EMDR. It’s confronting, but it helps you process and heal from PTSD so much faster than any other form of therapy. The waiting list is long, so talk to your GP about it when you’re up to it.