Is it ok for my wife to have lunch with another unmarried man I do not know?

[cervera]

Trying not to go mad at the moment - we have been married for 30 years, like every marriage it has had its ups and downs, but I would say we have a good marriage, my wife said the same just the day. We have two grown up children both now happily married and moved out. I really love my wife, she is my rock, I think she is hot...late last year she met this other unmarried man (her friend called him Eye Candy!)...they volunteer together for a charity, she was his mentor and all was fine. After the mentorship ended, they met for coffee, to discuss the volunteering roll and at this point I was not even thinking any bad thoughts. Then there was another coffee and a long walk, it was not a secret, she was very open about it - but I then started to be unsure. They shared lots it seems, they had a report she said, she really liked his 'banter'. His name came into conversation often.

There were fairly frequent WhatsApp’s between them - then there was an evening drink suggested, which really started to worry me - but I did not want to be an arse and upset a new friendship which she seemed to value greatly. I know my wife was unsure about it – she joked she was going for a drink with ‘her lover’ and admitted it made her feel good. I thought it would be a quick glass of wine and not much more, but four hours later - I was then really getting concerned. She came home and immediately fell asleep (she is not a big drinker) but I wanted to talk to her and tell her I was feeling unhappy about this now. They had discussed lots it seems, including him telling her that his latest relationship had just finished – but my wife had shared some things about me, that I was not comfortable with.

I did not sleep that night, until she woke up and asked if I was OK. I then said NO and told her why, I was feeling left out, jealous, unsure for the first time in 30 years…would she like it if I was doing the same? She was shocked, I said “you are a beautiful looking woman’ why would he not be interested in you – it was a difficult conversation – she then, I thought understood how I felt, could see how upset I was and said she would stop it. Another week passed – she came home much later than I thought from volunteering – they had been out for another coffee. I must of looked strange and went quiet - she was mad at me for trying to ruin her friendship.

I backed off, thinking it was all me being paranoid (please tell me if I am) but I could not settle, work, sleep, do anything – it then blew up 48 hours later – I said I cannot handle this and she called him and told him – they better not meet again, as ?! (my name) does not like this. Eventually things calmed down – but on holiday the WhatsApp started again from him – including a message saying – “…have not been in touch much as ?! (my name) does not like it” – I am thinking WTF, you know I asked this to stop and you are still doing it. Even the WhatsApp messaged ended with a X…the content was nothing much other than “we are sharing a shift together soon, fancy lunch before?”.

Well the next lunch is 10 days away, I feel crap, cannot sleep, work is tough – but am I being paranoid, I am trying to be cool about – my wife has told me it is happening – I do not want to cause another eruption and say NO you cannot go – it is not my place to do that. She can see I am stressed, but this friendship seems more important than my feelings and emotions. She seems to think it is all fine, but I know men, it helps being one!!!

Maybe I am over thinking this? Insecure? I do not want other men telling me to go around and smack him, that’s for sure. But there is no one to talk to about this? Thoughts? Advice?

This sounds that it has the potential to move onto more than friendship as it is a bit full on and your wife knows how you are feeling and has continued with the same I intensity .
I would not be comfortable with this situation at all .

I know my wife was unsure about it – she joked she was going for a drink with ‘her lover’ and admitted it made her feel good.

Not great is it? I'd be wary, OP.

Start looking for your own "friend", op. See how she likes it.

Expecting fidelity is not trying to control a friendship. If she’s disclosed personal details of the OP to her new interest that is a colossal breach of respect also.

Go see a solicitor and get a lean on whatever assets you have shared with your wife, and what would be a fair distribution of them. Setup a new bank account if you need to and funnel some funds in that direction in case you suddenly find yourself out on your ear.

A woman who has lost all respect for you is a huge red flag, and it sounds like she is already well on the way to constructing the narrative to leave you without taking any hit to her conscience.

I’d emotionally prepare yourself for your marriage to come to a conclusion, you’ll be alright but you really want this end as amicably as possible. Especially as you have adult children.

Don’t stiff her on the settlement and keep your dignity intact.

Go see a solicitor and get a lean on whatever assets you have shared with your wife, and what would be a fair distribution of them. Setup a new bank account if you need to and funnel some funds in that direction in case you suddenly find yourself out on your ear.

I'd second this.

All my friends are male pretty much, I met them all through my hobby.

I'd be gutted if I couldn't meet or chat to any of them because my husband was jealous or paranoid and to be fair he never says a word against it. But then he has female friends and shock horror even went to visit one and stay the night and I was fine because I trust DH implicitly.

I suppose that's the crux isnt it..do you trust her implicitly? Even if this other man was interested does that mean she would do anything. She sounds like she was open and honest with you until you started moaning and questioning her ability to adhere to her marriage vows.

I wouldn't be happy either.
Having a friend of the opposite sex - fine, no problem. Mentioning him all the time, clearly enjoying his attention - problem.

Have a read through relationships. There are countless posts from women in exactly your situation and the advice given to them applies equally to you.

It sounds like she has mentionitis and that she's enjoying this man's company a lot, and putting her friendship with him before her relationship with you. If it's upsetting you, she should put your feelings first - unless you're being unreasonably jealous, of course, which I don't think you are

Oh how if the tables were turned

Yeah this is dodgy as tbh.

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

I wouldn't be happy either. Having a friend of the opposite sex - fine, no problem. Mentioning him all the time, clearly enjoying his attention - problem.

Have a read through relationships. There are countless posts from women in exactly your situation and the advice given to them applies equally to you.

^ this

I wouldn’t like it.
I agree with Toomuchtodoo that their behaviour is too coupley.

What do you mean by ‘causing eruptions?’ Are you becoming angry/aggressive or do you just mean an argument?

At the end of the day I would say it doesn’t matter if you ‘know men.’ Do you know your wife? Do you trust her? I would think if you were having an affair you’d be more likely to lie but your wife has been open with who she is meeting at all times. If you don’t trust her, I think the relationship is pretty dead.

Interesting how this thread has panned out. If you were a woman OP posting about your husband, it would be LTB, alarm bells that he was definitely having an affair, but as you're a man posting about his wife, some of the responses are in defense of her.

Double standards.

OP, listen to your gut. You have been in this relationship for 30 years and you will know your wife inside out.

Her behaviour has red flags all over it. At the very least, it sounds like an emotional affair.

I hope things work out okay for you.

And I wouldn’t expect two people going out for drinks to only be having ‘a quick glass of wine.’ If my husband is out for drinks I’d expect him to be away all evening. And to not be sleeping over a pre shift lunch 10 days away doesn’t sound good.

I think this relationship obviously needs some work. You don’t trust her for whatever reason, and if you feel she is cheating on you then you’ll never stop feeling paranoid.

This is not cool. My partner has no problem with me meeting my male friends. A new friend wanting to take me for a drink? I wouldn't do it to my partner. I'm old. I know how these things go. It's massively disrespectful and a recipe for an affair.

@Kanaloa

And I wouldn’t expect two people going out for drinks to only be having ‘a quick glass of wine.’ If my husband is out for drinks I’d expect him to be away all evening. And to not be sleeping over a pre shift lunch 10 days away doesn’t sound good.

I think this relationship obviously needs some work. You don’t trust her for whatever reason, and if you feel she is cheating on you then you’ll never stop feeling paranoid.

Probably doesn't trust her because she's dating someone.

I suspect this is a reverse. However, definantly an emotional affair and if this was the reverse situation, mn would be saying trust your instincts.

Just to avoid confusion I have no trouble with opposite sex gender friends, there just have to be certain boundaries.

• The friend has to be genuinely supportive/respectful of the marriage/relationship.
• Not to replace the spouse/partner as a go to for discussing problems.
• The friend in question had better not be harbouring romantic aspirations toward the taken person, and actually to entertain them if this is known is pretty shitty to the prospective friend quite honestly.
• Discretion is also key, some reasonable attempts to include the partner outside the friendship is good practice as avoiding doing constant “date like” activities.
• The marriage has to take precedence over the friendship.

I have close friends who are partnered up, and have no problem with my partner having friends outside of us.

@Northernsoullover

This is not cool. My partner has no problem with me meeting my male friends. A new friend wanting to take me for a drink? I wouldn't do it to my partner. I'm old. I know how these things go. It's massively disrespectful and a recipe for an affair.

So what can one do with a new male friend? Or how long must you know a man before you can have a drink with him?

Nothing wrong with having lunch, but this is way more than this, they are clearly very close and their relationship is very one on one. I sometimes go for a drink with people I volunteer with but they might bring their partners and it's very much open to anyone not a cosy one to one.

She is BU to make fun of you by jokingly calling him her lover, that's awful, gaslighying plain sight bullshit. Also BU to over react and sulk and say fine I'll never see him again, I'll do what you want and cut him off as if that's all your fault, telling him the same, making you out to be U and her the victim. You are uncomfortable, she has carried on after hearing how you are feeling. That's not ok, she's taking the piss. This other bloke knows what he is doing, they are each other's new hobby. Try and manage your feelings and the way you communicate OP, its provocative of her but she's baffled your upset and its manipulative of her to over react and huff off over it. Makes it into a team that is them against you, her saying you aren't happy, OM is not on your side at all.

@Standrewsschool

I suspect this is a reverse. However, definantly an emotional affair and if this was the reverse situation, mn would be saying trust your instincts.

To be fair, that is what most posters are saying.

I suspect many of those who have lots of male friends and don’t mind at all have never been the partner on the receiving end of a partner/spouses ‘friendship’ that wasn’t quite what it seemed. Maybe when you have experienced it you would have some empathy with this chap. Feeling like you are suddenly an afterthought is horrible. It certainly makes you more suspicious when reading posts like this. My ex MIL ran off with the (married) next door neighbour 2 weeks after her 30th wedding anniversary. Initially the only suspicions my ex FIL
Had were that she seemed to be always popping next door a lot , often when his wife was at work— she did the ‘just like his company, we are good friends’ bit and indeed they were- both couples had been on holiday together several times. OP I would personally have a calm non accusatory conversation , just say you feel a bit second fiddle , even say you are a bit jealous and I think her reaction might tell you something. When I mentioned to my H about the amount of outward texts on his bill (this is 15 years ago) to this persons number he suddenly had a frozen expression and went white as a sheet and struggled to speak- I knew at that point it was a bit more than just friends - at least on his side.

Ask to meet him, watch her reaction.