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Original poster

My husband is lovely but I can’t bear sex with him

175 replies

Marriedmiserably · 10/08/2021 06:54

We’ve been married 5 years and have a 3 year old. He is the kindest, most thoughtful, honest, attentive man. He does washing and cleaning without having to be asked, he adores our daughter and worships me. Everything he does in life is centres around the two of us. BUT. He is also very very needy, he can’t do any DIY (won’t even try, I do it all), when he’s stressed or anxious I get a version of him that I cannot stand and I feel like I have to validate him constantly. It’s almost like he needs my praise, gratitude and body to feel worthy.
Physically I have absolutely zero attraction to him. I love him as a person and I am grateful for the father he is. We have a lot in common but are also very different people (I’m confident, outspoken, impulsive and completely independent and he is more reserved, afraid of change, insecure, needy and quite jealous)
My husband has put on weight since we met and it all goes on his face and chin which I know is shallow, but I find very unattractive. I didn’t fancy him when we met, we became friends and found a spark which I now feel is completely dead on my part. He would have sex with me 3 times a day if I was open to it but I can barely bring myself to do it once a fortnight. I don’t know what to do, this is absolutely killing me :-(

OP posts:
RoastedHazelnutLatte · 10/08/2021 07:12

If he described you like you have described him, what would you want him to do?

Would you want him to stay with you, not say anything and keep you in a relationship where the other person secretly felt like you do?

spotcheck · 10/08/2021 07:21

Did you marry him because you were in love with him, or because you totted up his good points and thought he would do?

RightYesButNo · 10/08/2021 07:22

Before talking to him, I would recommend sitting down and having a think about whether there’s anything he could do that would make this situation better.

Then it’s time for the talk. If he’s kind and thoughtful and everything centres around you and DD, but you hate the way he acts when anxious, do you think he’d be willing to get counseling for the things you mention - insecurity, anxiety, jealousy?

No, you can’t stick around hoping he’ll change, but I wouldn’t leave without giving him the opportunity to try to change by his own choice. If he doesn’t want to try or refuses or it doesn’t work, I’m not someone who believes in staying together “for the children.” If you don’t love him, don’t stay. You both deserve more. But perhaps at least see if it’s fixable first.

tiredanddangerous · 10/08/2021 07:23

What comes across to me is that you don't love him in a romantic way. You love him as a brother or friend.

DoingItMyself · 10/08/2021 07:25

Have more sex with him, as an experiment. It might change your view - I read somewhere that doing it a lot affects the hormones beneficially. (Sounds like a man wrote it.) But worth a try, if you could tolerate it.

DinosaurDiana · 10/08/2021 07:27

It’s time to release you both, him to someone who will love him and want to have sex with him, and you from everything you feel about him.

drpet49 · 10/08/2021 07:28

Why did you marry him. You sound so shallow.

SquirryTheSquirrel · 10/08/2021 07:39

Do you think you would fancy him more if he lost the weight? You don't say whether he is actually overweight or just heavier than when you met, but if the former, losing weight would be a good idea for health reasons. You could try introducing healthier eating and more exercise as a family.

You talk about a 'spark' that's now gone - I think it's normal for a 'spark' to be replaced by a deeper connection in a long-term relationship. Some people will go on about being married for 20 years and being as much 'in love' as ever (etc.) but usually the 'in love' feeling changes to something more sustainable but less overwhelming. If you are constantly seeking the early-relationship 'in love' feeling, you will end up changing partners every couple of years.

I think you need to think about what you can do to reclaim your physical connection - what you can do to make your sex life worthwhile again - because it does sound like a fundamentally strong relationship where your differences complement each other, so it is worth doing what you can to make it work on the physical level.

Anothernick · 10/08/2021 07:46

I wonder what you mean by "fancy"? That he has a physical resemblance to an underwear model? We all lose our youthful looks as we get older but most relationships and sexual desires have deeper roots. A successful LTR - and a successful long term sex life - do not come about by magic, they require work, communication, and a degree of compromise on both sides. You need to consider why you do not want sex with him and how things might improve and then discuss it with him. And be prepared to compromise.

MakemeaCake · 10/08/2021 07:59

Your post seems to show you want an Alpha male who can get the cave in order, whereas he is a softer Beta guy who simply doesn't do it for you.

Maybe you need to tell him how you feel and see if he is happy to stay with you on the basis of co-parenting but only being friends.

The weight issue is manageable if he wants to change that.
Might be worth looking at how that has happened. Is he unhappy and comfort eating or are you doing all the cooking and feeding him too much of the wrong stuff? What's caused his weight gain?

But you need to ask yourself that even if he turned into an Olympic athlete, or could build a house, would you feel differently?

Somehow I doubt it and you maybe need to accept you chose the wrong man (for whatever reason.)

MajorTomBola · 10/08/2021 08:12

I feel like I could have written your post, almost word for word. I’ve been with my husband for fifteen years, and he’s a lovely man and a wonderful dad, but I am unhappy.

His life revolves around me and the children, but I find this completely stifling. I find his lack of drive and fear of change incredibly frustrating. He does more around the house than I do, but needs praise for it all. He also has been suffering with anxiety and after five years of this he has just started taking SSRIs which I thought may help, but it hasn’t changed the way I feel as I hoped. I made a huge effort with regards to our sex life, but I no longer fancy him.

It’s really difficult because he still tells me he loves me as much as the day we met, and on paper there is nothing wrong - you couldn’t really meet a nicer man.

OhDearMuriel · 10/08/2021 08:26

It sounds utterly intolerable.
Personally i couldn’t breathe in a relationship like that.

You’re not shallow; he could be the most handsome guy in the world, but his clingyness and needing sex 3 times a day for validation is horrendous and I would be utterly cringing too and want to run a thousand miles.

gannett · 10/08/2021 08:26

Was he needy and insecure when you met him or has this been a change? If it's a change you could try getting to the roots of it.

If he was always like this, I do have to question why you married him, especially as you didn't seem to fancy him. Were you always different (and it sounds like incompatible) people? Did anything attract you to him in the first place and what was it?

Sometimes just taking a step back and having a think about why we fell for our partners is useful in getting out of a rut, but not if there wasn't anything solid there in the first place.

MakemeaCake · 10/08/2021 08:27

It’s really difficult because he still tells me he loves me as much as the day we met, and on paper there is nothing wrong - you couldn’t really meet a nicer man.

On paper there is nothing wrong?
I think you're kidding yourself. You've just committed your thoughts to 'paper' of sorts (an online forum.)

Being a 'nice man' is not a qualification for being the right man for you. There are lots of 'nice men' out there.
Sounds as if he is unhappy too- hence the antidepressants.

@MajorTomBola and @Corastiredmummy You both sound as if you have fallen for men who need mummying.
You are both stronger, feistier, more independent, yet you have- for whatever reasons- chosen men who bring out the mothering side because they have issues.

Hardly a turn-on and not a recipe for swinging from the chandeliers.

Do you both really want to be writing this same thing when you are 80? Having wasted your youth and chances to have a fulfilling relationship.

That's your fate if you choose to stay.

MakemeaCake · 10/08/2021 08:29

^needing sex 3 times a day for validation*

She didn't say that.
She said he would have sex 3 x a day [because he fancies her.]

Fullofglee · 10/08/2021 08:30

Honestly op you settled for him by your own admission prior to his weight gain you stated you didn't fancy him, I'd walk away coparent your dd life is too short.

ActonSquirrel · 10/08/2021 08:30

I didn’t fancy him when we met, we became friends and found a spark which I now feel is completely dead on my part

Sounds as if you settled for him and never really liked him

Show him this thread and let him read what you said about him. You're problems will be solved as he'll leave.

Would you want to live with someone who found you so unattractive they didn't want to sleep with you?

MakemeaCake · 10/08/2021 08:31

Sorry to hijack your post OP but @MajorTomBola if your H needs to use ADs to help make him into the person you want him to be, it's time to leave.

The poor guy. I feel sorry for you but how would he feel reading your posts?

Have the guts to leave and allow him to find someone who loves him for what he is, not what ADs might make him into. Hmm

ActonSquirrel · 10/08/2021 08:46

Look OP you don't fancy him or want sex with him.

Plenty of other women will. He is a good man and a great dad. He will find someone else and get 50/50 custody of his daughter too.

Give him a better ride that someone who finds him repulsive.

ActonSquirrel · 10/08/2021 08:46

Life not ride

Wherearemymarbles · 10/08/2021 08:48

Basically you settled and its come back to bite you.

You should leave for both your sakes

Hopeisallineed · 10/08/2021 08:52

You don’t love him in the way you should and it’s not fair on either of you to stay in the marriage. He should be allowed to find someone who wants to have a ‘full’ relationship, being kind and a good dad is not a reason to hold on to him.

CrystalMaisie · 10/08/2021 08:54

Are you on hormonal contraception? That can massively dampen your labido, aside from the other reasons you mention of course.

ActonSquirrel · 10/08/2021 08:56

@CrystalMaisie

Are you on hormonal contraception? That can massively dampen your labido, aside from the other reasons you mention of course.
It doesn't make you not fancy someone when you meet them though does it
Heliachi · 10/08/2021 08:58

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