Page 7 | My husband is lovely but I can’t bear sex with him

Marriedmiserably · 2021-08-10T05:54:45+00:00

We’ve been married 5 years and have a 3 year old. He is the kindest, most thoughtful, honest, attentive man. He does washing and cleaning without having to be asked, he adores our daughter and worships me. Everything he does in life is centres around the two of us. BUT. He is also very very needy, he can’t do any DIY (won’t even try, I do it all), when he’s stressed or anxious I get a version of him that I cannot stand and I feel like I have to validate him constantly. It’s almost like he needs my praise, gratitude and body to feel worthy. Physically I have absolutely zero attraction to him. I love him as a person and I am grateful for the father he is. We have a lot in common but are also very different people (I’m confident, outspoken, impulsive and completely independent and he is more reserved, afraid of change, insecure, needy and quite jealous) My husband has put on weight since we met and it all goes on his face and chin which I know is shallow, but I find very unattractive. I didn’t fancy him when we met, we became friends and found a spark which I now feel is completely dead on my part. He would have sex with me 3 times a day if I was open to it but I can barely bring myself to do it once a fortnight. I don’t know what to do, this is absolutely killing me :-(

honeybuns007 · 11/08/2021 16:46

@drpet49

Why did you marry him. You sound so shallow.

No she doesn't. She sounds honest. Attraction is not something that can be forced. If someone changes dramatically or has personality traits that are increasingly unattractive to you then losing attraction fit them is not shallow

wednesdayweather · 11/08/2021 16:52

it's awful isn't it? Like I feel like he would just be a shell of a man if I left him

Look I know someone who has spent almost a decade in a relationship because he could never get up the gumption to leave her. He's made her life for that time an entire lie. She could have found someone else in that time. He thinks he has been 'kind' but I think its unbearably cruel (and he's actually been cheating on her most of that time, but that could become you OP if you stay).
Force yourself through the discomfort. It'll be shit for both of you initially but nowhere near as shit for you both if you keep on living this lie.

Original poster

Marriedmiserably · 15/11/2021 21:00

I wanted to update those who kindly took the time to comment. I left my husband in the end. It was and still is awful. I wrote this post on the 10th August and I told him on the 16th that I didn't think I was in love with him anymore. Four weeks after that and I left the house and moved in with my rents for space and time to think things through but now I have officially ended it. He was and is absolutely devastated. I miss him terribly, he was my best friend and is still one of my favourite people on this earth. He deserves the world and more and I wish he could have been enough for me. I don't know what I'm looking for, I just know I need to have that attraction to the man I'm with, it's more important to me that how often they do laundry or whether they leave the toilet seat down. I feel like I can sacrifice some of my husbands many incredible points to have 'that feeling'.

I hope I will find happiness with someone new and hope he meets a woman who makes him feel every bit as amazing as he is. I am terrified I may regret this decision one day, but you can't live that way, can you? We both deserve better than that. The truth is important. To anyone feeling the same way or going through something similar, reach out of you need to talk xxx

OP posts:

redastherose · 15/11/2021 21:27

@Marriedmiserably it is obviously a difficult time for you both but it will be for the best in the long run. Well done for being brave and going for it, the need for that feeling of connection in your partner is essential.

TillyTopper · 15/11/2021 21:50

Please leave him and set him free for someone else to love.

ThatGoose · 15/11/2021 21:59

Wow, well done, what a massive decision to make.

I left a previous partner after a relationship of five years because I didn't love him and was no longer attracted to him, even though he was absolutely lovely and kind and gentle and there was no obvious "reason" for the relationship to end. I too was so scared that it would devastate him, because he told me all the time how amazing I was. And in the beginning, to be honest it did seem to devastate him - he told me he would never find anyone else, he had lost his one chance at happiness, he spent days crying and all our friends were worried about him.

But you know what? Six months down the line, he met someone else. She is his soulmate. He has since married her and they have kids together. I also met someone else who is my soulmate and am INFINITELY happier. God, the difference is just massive. It was the right decision for both of us in the end - I'm sure we're both much better off with other people. I literally never regret the decision.

Hope you'll be writing the same kind of thing on here before too long. Best of luck :)

Piggyk2 · 15/11/2021 22:05

I don't think your shallow. It does sound like you knew full well that you didn't like him in that way in the first place and you just settled. Bad idea OP I tried it (for a short time).

Set the man free. Talk to him.

mcmooberry · 15/11/2021 22:18

Well done on doing what was absolutely the right thing. Lucky you had somewhere you could go or this could have gone on for years/decades. I think if you had found him charismatic and confident you wouldn't have cared about the weight gain.
I hope that, like the person above, you and he both find true happiness with other people.

JamieNorthlife · 15/11/2021 22:32

@TillyTopper and Piggyk2, the OP just updated us on her situation.

I wrote this post on the 10th August and I told him on the 16th that I didn't think I was in love with him anymore. Four weeks after that and I left the house and moved in with my rents for space and time to think things through but now I have officially ended it.

BobLemon · 15/11/2021 23:06

Well done OP

Really tough thing to do, but the right thing and you ARE BOTH going to be fine.

user474882990 · 15/11/2021 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WindowsSmindows · 15/11/2021 23:38

Thanks for letting us know OP that was very thoughtful of you.
Is your daughter alright?
You sound brave, and kind.

LadyGAgain · 15/11/2021 23:44

@Marriedmiserably

I wanted to update those who kindly took the time to comment. I left my husband in the end. It was and still is awful. I wrote this post on the 10th August and I told him on the 16th that I didn't think I was in love with him anymore. Four weeks after that and I left the house and moved in with my rents for space and time to think things through but now I have officially ended it. He was and is absolutely devastated. I miss him terribly, he was my best friend and is still one of my favourite people on this earth. He deserves the world and more and I wish he could have been enough for me. I don't know what I'm looking for, I just know I need to have that attraction to the man I'm with, it's more important to me that how often they do laundry or whether they leave the toilet seat down. I feel like I can sacrifice some of my husbands many incredible points to have 'that feeling'.

I hope I will find happiness with someone new and hope he meets a woman who makes him feel every bit as amazing as he is. I am terrified I may regret this decision one day, but you can't live that way, can you? We both deserve better than that. The truth is important. To anyone feeling the same way or going through something similar, reach out of you need to talk xxx

For what it's worth, I did the same as you. 13 years ago. I've been happily married for 9 and with him for 11. And we have children. I promise you are worth it and shouldn't regret it. He was my very best friend. I missed him so much. For a very long time. I don't miss him now but I would always hope he would be happy and well (he also remarried the same year as me). He is a good man. Very decent. I loved him. I wasn't IN Love with him. I hope this gives you hope and strength OP.

LadyGAgain · 15/11/2021 23:45

Sorry realise that's ambiguous.
I'm now remarried for 9 years and been together 11.

TableFlowerss · 16/11/2021 00:16

That would be the end for me OP. Once it’s gone (the spark) it’s gone, when there wasn’t one there in the first place it’s never going to get better.

If you stay with him you’re going to have to sacrifice sex because it’ll be like sleeping with your brother and who wants to do that?!

You can’t help how you feel so don’t let people make you feel shit by saying you’re shallow. Why should you be guilt tripped in ti sex when you feel repulsed doing it.

No. Sex is an important part of a (healthy) relationship so the best thing to do for the sake of you both, is to split up. You’ll meet someone that you’re attracted to physically and he’ll hopefully meet someone too.

It sounds more like you don’t respect him. He’s sounds needy and it’s not an attractive quality. There is areas in women often go for the bad boys, they want someone to take control.

TableFlowerss · 16/11/2021 00:19

Just seen your update OP.

You don’t the right thing!!! For the pair of you.

Now get yourself on Tinder 😳😜

TableFlowerss · 16/11/2021 00:20

done

Ticksallboxes · 16/11/2021 01:17

Gosh OP I totally get your decision and wish you the best of luck.

I've been with my now DH since 1995. He's a high-functioning marijuana addict with a very successful business. It's like I'm married to two different men (but never boring!). Our life obviously has its ups and downs but the crux of it is that we fancied the pants off each other when we met.

That's the glue I think any relationship needs. Without that I think you should be able to walk away conscious-free...

Pinkypunk · 16/11/2021 01:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lemor · 16/11/2021 11:45

I also think you did the right thing, OP. I don't know why you were so attacked earlier in the thread. Unfortunately, you always get these gratuitously bizarre, attacking posts on MN. You sound like a thoughtful, kind and ultimately honest person. I don't see why you cannot still be friends with your ex. But I think you are right to be free of him, and vice versa. His assertions that his life would be worthless without you are not the words of a person most people would find attractive by the way. Hopefully you can both move on and find a way to co-parent happily too. Well done for making the decision. Good luck, and thanks for coming back to tell us.

Jaguarshoes · 16/11/2021 14:12

Well done for making that decision. I feel my relationship is in a similar state to where yours was before you split. I’ve spoken to my partner about it and we are having couples counselling. I’m not sure it will help repair the relationship but I am finding it helpful to talk to someone, we have some sessions alone as well as together. I would recommend talking through it with a counsellor so that you can put it behind you. Good luck!

Original poster

Marriedmiserably · 17/11/2021 23:27

@Jaguarshoes

Well done for making that decision. I feel my relationship is in a similar state to where yours was before you split. I’ve spoken to my partner about it and we are having couples counselling. I’m not sure it will help repair the relationship but I am finding it helpful to talk to someone, we have some sessions alone as well as together. I would recommend talking through it with a counsellor so that you can put it behind you. Good luck!

I really hope it works for you but if not, at least you can say you tried it all. Wishing you all the luck in the world!! X

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Original poster

Marriedmiserably · 17/11/2021 23:29

@Pinkypunk

You are so brave. That's all I wanted to say. You know what you want, and you went for i. That's admirable on itself.

Thank you 🙏🏻❤️ I don't feel brave every day but deep down I feel it's the right decision ❤️

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VioletVesper · 18/11/2021 08:55

I think you’ve been really brave too OP & wish you all the best xxxx

Original poster

Marriedmiserably · 03/12/2021 12:15

@ThatGoose

Wow, well done, what a massive decision to make.

I left a previous partner after a relationship of five years because I didn't love him and was no longer attracted to him, even though he was absolutely lovely and kind and gentle and there was no obvious "reason" for the relationship to end. I too was so scared that it would devastate him, because he told me all the time how amazing I was. And in the beginning, to be honest it did seem to devastate him - he told me he would never find anyone else, he had lost his one chance at happiness, he spent days crying and all our friends were worried about him.

But you know what? Six months down the line, he met someone else. She is his soulmate. He has since married her and they have kids together. I also met someone else who is my soulmate and am INFINITELY happier. God, the difference is just massive. It was the right decision for both of us in the end - I'm sure we're both much better off with other people. I literally never regret the decision.

Hope you'll be writing the same kind of thing on here before too long. Best of luck :)

I LOVE this message, thank you for sharing!! ❤️❤️❤️ xxx

OP posts: