My husband is lovely but I can’t bear sex with him

[Marriedmiserably]

We’ve been married 5 years and have a 3 year old. He is the kindest, most thoughtful, honest, attentive man. He does washing and cleaning without having to be asked, he adores our daughter and worships me. Everything he does in life is centres around the two of us. BUT. He is also very very needy, he can’t do any DIY (won’t even try, I do it all), when he’s stressed or anxious I get a version of him that I cannot stand and I feel like I have to validate him constantly. It’s almost like he needs my praise, gratitude and body to feel worthy.
Physically I have absolutely zero attraction to him. I love him as a person and I am grateful for the father he is. We have a lot in common but are also very different people (I’m confident, outspoken, impulsive and completely independent and he is more reserved, afraid of change, insecure, needy and quite jealous)
My husband has put on weight since we met and it all goes on his face and chin which I know is shallow, but I find very unattractive. I didn’t fancy him when we met, we became friends and found a spark which I now feel is completely dead on my part. He would have sex with me 3 times a day if I was open to it but I can barely bring myself to do it once a fortnight. I don’t know what to do, this is absolutely killing me :-(

I wonder how much of this neediness and insecurity is because you are clearly not attracted to him at all?
If I was married to someone who obviously wasn't attracted to me, I think I'd be insecure too.

This is so so sad. Likely his mood and behaviour is impacted by how you consciously or unconsciously treat him because you find him repulsive. This will compound his anxiety and neediness, resulting in you feeling more repulsed by him.

Ultimately you settled for someone you did not find physically attractive, despite it being important to you. You’re not happy either. Neither of you are.

Thus, the kindest thing is to end it to enable both of you to be happy. His kind personality will be perfect for someone else, who might also find him the most physically desirable to them too. We all have different tastes!

I too do not find needy or insecure men attractive. However, I would not date let alone be in a LTR of any kind with a man hitting this description, let alone if I did not ‘fancy’ him, no matter how nice a person they are. I know my personality match and what I find attractive. It would be unfair and unkind to lead any man on by compromising what I know about myself and my needs. Continuing your relationship is damaging a lovely man. You know this. You’ve said it here. Now act to protect both your love futures.

I mean the big question here op is what do you want?

Do you want to work on this? Because inevitably it's going to take alot of effort on your behalf since your husband cant do much to change your outlook, only you can really do that

If you want to work on it then maybe an open and honest conversation if you havent done so is well needed, no matter how brutual it may seem.

You may be surprised to find out that maybe your husband doesnt want to stay with someone that doesnt find him attractive, just as much as you dont want to be with someone you dont find attractive

If your that adamant on making it work you want to explore going down the couples therapy route

If you dont want to work on it, then I dont really get the point of this thread. As you know the only answer is to end things. You just need to find the courage to do it. And do it for your dp because as everyone has stated, regardless of your selfish wants or needs, he DESERVES better.

Thanks again for the replies 💛 I expected some people to say mean things, and that's fine. Ultimately all I want is for both of us to be happy and fulfilled. I need to now consider whether it's something than can be worked on or not. The thought of telling him how I'm feeling, even in a far more diplomatic way than is written here, is gut wrenching. He is the most sensitive person I've ever met so even me just saying that the sexual attraction has dwindled will not go down well at all. I'm really not looking forward to potentially having that conversation. I may need to delete this post as I am worried he could somehow see it, he does not deserve the pain of what that would do to him.

@Marriedmiserably

Thanks again for the replies 💛 I expected some people to say mean things, and that's fine. Ultimately all I want is for both of us to be happy and fulfilled. I need to now consider whether it's something than can be worked on or not. The thought of telling him how I'm feeling, even in a far more diplomatic way than is written here, is gut wrenching. He is the most sensitive person I've ever met so even me just saying that the sexual attraction has dwindled will not go down well at all. I'm really not looking forward to potentially having that conversation. I may need to delete this post as I am worried he could somehow see it, he does not deserve the pain of what that would do to him.

You definitely can’t say it how you wrote it. That’s the realisation and the underlying truth (not easy to admit), but it drives a conversation without forming the exact content. Nor say you didn’t ever find him physically attractive. I’d say it’s more a conversation where you mirror the kindness of your relationship- along the lines of: I can see your anxiety has increased over time; I recognise I’ve detached physically and don’t fully meet your needs; I think being honest neither of us are currently completely happy; How do you feel? Can we work through this? Do we wish to?

See what his response is. Refer to his words and feelings, where they link to how you feel about the compatibility.

I wish you well. Not easy. Your honesty here is a great first step. You sound very considerate of his positive traits and how he’ll feel so I’m sure you’ll handle this with compassion which respects him, whilst being true to how you feel.

Not sure what you can do now apart from divorce him but it’s quite clear you shouldn’t have married him.

@MakemeaCake

Sorry to hijack your post OP but *@MajorTomBola* if your H needs to use ADs to help make him into the person you want him to be, it's time to leave.

The poor guy. I feel sorry for you but how would he feel reading your posts?

Have the guts to leave and allow him to find someone who loves him for what he is, not what ADs might make him into.

We had ten happy years, then five where he was depressed but took absolutely no steps to deal with it. I have been depressed in the past too but I faced it. Living with an utterly miserable person who makes you solely responsible for their happiness has been hard but I have been clinging on to hope it would improve. However, I now realise the damage has been done but it is still difficult to come to terms with the fact my marriage is probably over.

Living with an utterly miserable person who makes you solely responsible for their happiness has been hard but I have been clinging on to hope it would improve

I wonder if those are his words, or yours?

You are not responsible for anyone's happiness.
That is one of the first things you would discover if you had therapy.
You are only responsible for you.

He cannot make you responsible for his happiness. That's under your choice and yours alone.

@Birminghambloke thank you for your gentle, kind and honest words. This is the exact kind of advice I now realise I was looking for when I posted. I will handle it as delicately as possible. It has to be a conversation about both of us, not just my thoughts/needs/concerns.
He says things to me all the time like 'if you ever left me my life would be absolutely sh*t' ' I couldn't live without you' 'I don't have anyone but you' etc etc. It makes me feel so awful. Though I don't think he would be alone for long if we separated. He is very much someone who needs to be in a relationship and I'm not, I get by quite nicely when single....though could be different in my 30's, who knows. I just know we both deserve to feel content and happy in life and love.

@drpet49

** Look OP you don't fancy him or want sex with him.

Plenty of other women will. He is a good man and a great dad. He will find someone else and get 50/50 custody of his daughter too.

Give him a better life that someone who finds him repulsive.”

^This. He deserves someone better than you.

For fuck sake, why are we shaming a woman just because she’s not attracted to a man? Are women duty bound to find a man attractive? Or are we just not meant to speak about it because it’s not “kind”, and fuck the impact that has in women. OP is not a bad person for feeling this way, it happens, it’s perfectly natural.

Most people are put off by clingy behaviour, men and women. That’s not to say OP shouldn’t leave him, possibly she should, but painting her as some evil bitch because she’s lost her attraction to him is just nasty.

For fuck sake, why are we shaming a woman just because she’s not attracted to a man?

Because she knew that when she met him!!!

She wasted his time settling for him

He has put that on me. He is not happy at work, has no hobbies, has not maintained any friendships. Says being with me is what makes him happy. I have told him that I cannot be his only source of happiness, as I’m only human and can’t always get it right. It has caused a number of arguments in the past.

Sorry for hijacking your thread, OP. Your post just really resonated with me and it has made me think things through a little more.

[quote Marriedmiserably]@Birminghambloke thank you for your gentle, kind and honest words. This is the exact kind of advice I now realise I was looking for when I posted. I will handle it as delicately as possible. It has to be a conversation about both of us, not just my thoughts/needs/concerns.
He says things to me all the time like 'if you ever left me my life would be absolutely sh*t' ' I couldn't live without you' 'I don't have anyone but you' etc etc. It makes me feel so awful. Though I don't think he would be alone for long if we separated. He is very much someone who needs to be in a relationship and I'm not, I get by quite nicely when single....though could be different in my 30's, who knows. I just know we both deserve to feel content and happy in life and love.[/quote]
I think a lot of posters are focussing on the weight gain piece and how nice he is, and missing the neediness and your mention of his jealousy - and if they haven't experienced.that themselves, they may not understand how stifling that feels.

Echo the pp who talked about avoidant and insecure attachment styles, both pretty dysfunctional but unfortunately quite likely to attract one another, and then get caught in a vicious circle where the insecure one wants lots of reassurance, so the avoidant one retreats, so the insecure one wants even more etc etc etc.

If he's a good man and you have a child together, you should try counselling first, together or even separately, it will help you get on better and be more honest whether you stay together or separate.

Also, saying he 'doesn't have anyone but you' is a huge and unfair amount of pressure.

Talking about weight isn't nice, but wonder if all the pps saying you don't deserve him would be so keen if their partners put this on them.

@ActonSquirrel

For fuck sake, why are we shaming a woman just because she’s not attracted to a man?

Because she knew that when she met him!!!

No, she didn't @ActonSquirrel

Read the post properly.

She said they started off as friends and then found a spark.
That's when she married him.

It may have been a tiny flicker rather than a roaring flame, but what's done is done.

She isn't the first wife to make a mistake and regret what she chose.

@MajorTomBola it's awful isn't it? Like I feel like he would just be a she'll of a man if I left him. It's not fair to put the onus of ones happiness on someone else. We are all responsible for our own happiness in life. At the moment I feel I'm substituting mine for his almost.

He says things to me all the time like 'if you ever left me my life would be absolutely sht' ' I couldn't live without you*

You realise this is emotional blackmail ?

And just because he 'needs to be in a relationship' doesn't mean he has to dive straight into another.

Anyone who 'needs' to be in a relationship actually needs to work on themselves with therapy.

I can see him getting into exactly the same type of relationship again, throwing himself at a woman who will mother him.

@MakemeaCake to be honest in the start I was all over him like white on rice, couldn't get enough. The chemistry was insane. I knew it would calm down but didn't expect it to completely go from my point of view. He tells me CONSTANTLY how much he fancies me and how he doesn't even look at anyone else. Then he also asks me if I still fancy him. It's a bloody horrible situation and I feel on some level he knows that I don't

I don’t think OP will be the first or last woman on here that wasn’t 100% madly physically attracted — but was initially attracted to other aspects of this guy.

It really is, I feel exactly the same about substituting my happiness for his. I do care about him and love him but the passion has gone for me now. I don’t understand how he can feel so differently about me, it would be so much easier if he felt similarly.

@Marriedmiserably

Thanks again for the replies 💛 I expected some people to say mean things, and that's fine. Ultimately all I want is for both of us to be happy and fulfilled. I need to now consider whether it's something than can be worked on or not. The thought of telling him how I'm feeling, even in a far more diplomatic way than is written here, is gut wrenching. He is the most sensitive person I've ever met so even me just saying that the sexual attraction has dwindled will not go down well at all. I'm really not looking forward to potentially having that conversation. I may need to delete this post as I am worried he could somehow see it, he does not deserve the pain of what that would do to him.

Possibly all the more reason it's not nice to lead people on when you first start dating. You said you knew from the start you didn't fancy him, so why did you keep things going this long?

I think that you need to be honest with him. That him being so all over you constantly is off putting. You want him to have a bit of a life outside the family so you even get a chance to miss him.

Maybe give him a chance to calm his attentiveness down a bit before splitting up.

Well you know give the guy some credit maybe he is needy as deep down he knows how the OP feels.

They are married , they've had a child, spent years living together.

He must have an idea. He isn't blind. Maybe his neediness and attentiveness is his way of reacting to the OP not liking him and he knows it.

Maybe he wouldn't act so needy and craving attention if he felt wanted and he knows he isn't