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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband is lovely but I can’t bear sex with him

175 replies

Marriedmiserably · 10/08/2021 06:54

We’ve been married 5 years and have a 3 year old. He is the kindest, most thoughtful, honest, attentive man. He does washing and cleaning without having to be asked, he adores our daughter and worships me. Everything he does in life is centres around the two of us. BUT. He is also very very needy, he can’t do any DIY (won’t even try, I do it all), when he’s stressed or anxious I get a version of him that I cannot stand and I feel like I have to validate him constantly. It’s almost like he needs my praise, gratitude and body to feel worthy.
Physically I have absolutely zero attraction to him. I love him as a person and I am grateful for the father he is. We have a lot in common but are also very different people (I’m confident, outspoken, impulsive and completely independent and he is more reserved, afraid of change, insecure, needy and quite jealous)
My husband has put on weight since we met and it all goes on his face and chin which I know is shallow, but I find very unattractive. I didn’t fancy him when we met, we became friends and found a spark which I now feel is completely dead on my part. He would have sex with me 3 times a day if I was open to it but I can barely bring myself to do it once a fortnight. I don’t know what to do, this is absolutely killing me :-(

OP posts:

Amima · 10/08/2021 10:46

Was the urge for a child so overwhelming that you grabbed him, or did you feel you couldn't do any better?
I’m willing to bet it was age related. Have a baby now with this available man or it’ll be too late to have one. Is that anywhere near the truth OP?

ohthatbloodycat · 10/08/2021 10:47

Sorry, pressed send too soon. You've only been married for 5 years. So it's not going to get any better as you both get older.

Amima · 10/08/2021 10:47

If a man posted most men are attracted to soft feminine women how stay trim and make an effort with their clothes they'd be eaten alive
It is largely true though, whether you like it or not.

HelloMissus · 10/08/2021 10:49

For me this would be nothing to do with the sex but more about his neediness.
I cannot stand highly anxious needy people. I find them so so draining.
Likely this is why you don’t fancy him. Who would?

Original poster

Marriedmiserably · 10/08/2021 10:50

Nope, no urge for a child at all to be honest. I wasn't that bothered about having kids. I was 27 when we met, so I was young and very fit & healthy so there was certainly no concern of a ticking clock. And before anyone jumps on my 'wasn't bothered about having kids' comment, I wasn't then. But yes, I adore my little girl and couldn't live without her.

OP posts:

drpet49 · 10/08/2021 10:51

** Look OP you don't fancy him or want sex with him.

Plenty of other women will. He is a good man and a great dad. He will find someone else and get 50/50 custody of his daughter too.

Give him a better life that someone who finds him repulsive.”

^This. He deserves someone better than you.

ActonSquirrel · 10/08/2021 10:55

@Amima

If a man posted most men are attracted to soft feminine women how stay trim and make an effort with their clothes they'd be eaten alive It is largely true though, whether you like it or not.

I do know it is true and I'm not bothered by it.

Most people wouldn't find their partner attractive of they puked on weight and made no effort with their appearance anymore.

There would be a pile on here telling a man to still love his overweight wife but people are sympathising here as the op wants an alpha cave man.

ActonSquirrel · 10/08/2021 10:55

Puked on?! Piled on. My auto correct has a mind of its own

Notnowkate · 10/08/2021 10:57

Not everyone is that shallow.

gamerchick · 10/08/2021 10:58

When you get to the point where you can't stand them touching you then your relationship is dead IMO. It's rare that you come back from that.

BabyBiker · 10/08/2021 10:59

You don't love him. He deserves better. Better to get out now when you might be able to salvage a friendship with him and give both of you the chance to find real love.

HelloMissus · 10/08/2021 11:01

He does deserve better.
But so do you OP.
Life is too short to stay with someone who doesn’t make you happy.

Crikeyalmighty · 10/08/2021 11:06

The thing is if you don’t fancy them it’s very hard to feel sexually interested- no matter how lovely they are — which is all fine and liveable with if you don’t have a partner who is constantly ‘up for it’ — and I would say this if the sexes were reversed here too. Thing is about the not fancying them — if it were just looks , that’s workable on , if it’s truly just a matter of being a bit overweight— if you combine it with a partner whose personality now doesn’t do much for you— it’s difficult to come back from that— there’s no blame here, it’s simply that you don’t feel the same way — thing is so many of us (including me) feel a need to justify why we no longer feel the same about someone, whether children are involved or not because it feels easier to say ‘you do this, you don’t do that’ etc than ‘I don’t feel the same way about you’ which somehow feels more hurtful

me4real · 10/08/2021 11:10

A needy, drippy, insecure man would do nothing for me either, never mind a fat (or underweight) one.

I ended up with a weedy but harmless man for a while after one of the great loves of my life finished with me. Maybe it was for comfort. Were you on the rebound from someone when you got with him, @Corastiredmummy ?

As another PP said, it's like you care about him as a person/family member (though you feel drained sometimes by all the reassurance and comfort he requires etc) but are not romantically in love anymore.

That's a shame, but you deserve a life where you don't have to baby a man, cater excessively to him, or shag someone you really don't fancy.

me4real · 10/08/2021 11:14

Not everyone is that shallow.

@Notnowkate Everyone has their limits as to what they feel physically attracted to and able to comfortably shag. Would you've shagged the Elephant man? Maybe you are such a paragon, but most people don't want to shag someone they fiind really physically unattractive.

GalaxyGirl24 · 10/08/2021 11:16

It sounds like you settled for him which isn't good for either of you. He deserves more as do you, if there is nothing that can be done to get the elusive 'spark' back - although I do think in long term relationships spark turns into a slow and steady simmer, not every day can be fresh and exciting! Respect, long term desire etc are equally as lovely imo.

As other PPs have said, you need to have a hard think about if there's anything that can be done for you to feel happier with him, for example counselling or helping him get healthy and fit again etc. I imagine he's aware of the weight gain, as most people would be, and is maybe self conscious?

Myla2 · 10/08/2021 11:30

Everyones allowed to have their turn ons and turns off. No matter if they seem shallow or not to others. But if this points, coupled with the fact that as you said there wasnt really any physical attraction from the start means you find sex off putting, then you really are just dragging the both of you down a dead end.

There is nothing he can do to change that and its cruel to expect him to change himself when there is effectively nothing wrong with him to please you. You should love him for who is as he does with you.

If your open to him about this you could end up crushing his self esteem big time as this really is a you problem. If I was you I'd either try and learn to appreciate and focus on the good aspects of him, and maybe if you shift your concentration onto that your attraction will spark again, but if that doesnt work I'd seriously consider whether you can continue a relationship without sex. I dont think that is feasible or fair for either of you.

ActonSquirrel · 10/08/2021 11:34

@Notnowkate

Not everyone is that shallow.

I don't find obesity attractive. If that makes me shallow so be it.

You seem to suggest we should find anything attractive.

Lampzade · 10/08/2021 11:34

As another poster pointed out, you want an ambitious alpha male and ended up a lovely beta male who doesn’t do it for you.
The marriage is effectively over

TheFoundations · 10/08/2021 11:42

Everyones allowed to have their turn ons and turns off. No matter if they seem shallow or not to others

Yes. There's very little we could do about this. If we could change it, we'd all choose to fancy the most sensible person to fancy.

gannett · 10/08/2021 11:45

Saying you don't find needy or insecure men attractive is unhelpful.

Neither do I and that's why I didn't marry (or have a LTR with) one.

"Don't marry people you're not attracted to" is general advice that should be hammered home to all young women (and men tbh) whenever possible.

That's not useful for the OP so her options are either to see if she can regain the spark (hard work and sounds like it'll be down to her) or to end it as kindly as possible. I wouldn't advise being honest to her husband about all the reasons she's given us.

MNHQ

HopeMumsnet · 10/08/2021 11:48

Hi there,
We have sorted your namechange so that it runs throughout the whole thread, Married, hope that's okay?

Moomala · 10/08/2021 11:52

Poor guy.

SilverRoe · 10/08/2021 11:53

What does he do that is needy and insecure? What sort of behaviours are we talking about? People have jumped on the physical turn offs you mentioned but it sounds like this neediness is also doing a lot of damage.

I’ve found personally that when i’m attracted to someone it’s because of the whole package not just physicality so a bit of extra weight etc is not an issue. However if someone was constantly seeking reassurance from me and needing me to validate them all the time id feel pretty averse.

Can you describe what day to day life is like with this neediness? Is it that often?

SquirryTheSquirrel · 10/08/2021 12:07

There would be a pile on here telling a man to still love his overweight wife but people are sympathising here as the op wants an alpha cave man.

Not in all cases, but in many there is the significant factor in play that a woman's body shape will change unavoidably due to pregnancy/childbirth/breastfeeding.

I say this as someone who has never been pregnant and has no such excuse for being overweight, however I was overweight when I met my husband in the first place.

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