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Original poster

My husband is lovely but I can’t bear sex with him

175 replies

Marriedmiserably · 10/08/2021 06:54

We’ve been married 5 years and have a 3 year old. He is the kindest, most thoughtful, honest, attentive man. He does washing and cleaning without having to be asked, he adores our daughter and worships me. Everything he does in life is centres around the two of us. BUT. He is also very very needy, he can’t do any DIY (won’t even try, I do it all), when he’s stressed or anxious I get a version of him that I cannot stand and I feel like I have to validate him constantly. It’s almost like he needs my praise, gratitude and body to feel worthy.
Physically I have absolutely zero attraction to him. I love him as a person and I am grateful for the father he is. We have a lot in common but are also very different people (I’m confident, outspoken, impulsive and completely independent and he is more reserved, afraid of change, insecure, needy and quite jealous)
My husband has put on weight since we met and it all goes on his face and chin which I know is shallow, but I find very unattractive. I didn’t fancy him when we met, we became friends and found a spark which I now feel is completely dead on my part. He would have sex with me 3 times a day if I was open to it but I can barely bring myself to do it once a fortnight. I don’t know what to do, this is absolutely killing me :-(

OP posts:
Kris02 · 10/08/2021 13:51

The brutal truth is that he won’t change. People don’t. You can soften the edges of your personality, make an effort here and there, etc, but what you fundamentally are doesn’t alter. He’s never going to be Ant Middleton or Daniel Craig. In fact, he’ll probably get chubbier and more dependent as the years go by. My father was bit like that. When he got to his 60s, he didn’t like my mother going anywhere. A lot men become like that as they age - withdrawn, anti-social, clingy.

I guess what I’m saying is don’t expect too much if you confront him. I do sympathise. He sounds like a good man, and you obviously care about him. You’ve basically got three choices. First, you can explain how you feel and hope he changes. No doubt he’ll try, but gradually his old self will re-emerge (we are what we are). Second, you can end the relationship in a gentle, respectful way, and try to remain friends. It sounds like you could still care for one another even if you weren’t sexual partners. The third option is to grin and bear it. But I suspect you will grow bitter and unhappy. I have seen this before. Your looks will fade and you’ll wonder what life might have been like if you’d taken a chance and left.

peridito · 10/08/2021 13:56

OP I really feel for you ,it's a very sad situation for you both .My reaction would be that you separate .At the moment you have a lot of care and concern for him ,if you stay I think this will turn into resentment which of course he will pick up on and things will deteriorate .

You sound very kind and thoughtful .I hope you can scroll past the empty comments on here where the only objective is criticism of you .Especially those like Notknowkate who can't even be bothered to read your posts /misquote them .

Notnowkate · 10/08/2021 14:06

@peridito

OP I really feel for you ,it's a very sad situation for you both .My reaction would be that you separate .At the moment you have a lot of care and concern for him ,if you stay I think this will turn into resentment which of course he will pick up on and things will deteriorate .

You sound very kind and thoughtful .I hope you can scroll past the empty comments on here where the only objective is criticism of you .Especially those like Notknowkate who can't even be bothered to read your posts /misquote them .

OP has made it clear she has never fancied her husband. I you wont scroll past the empty comments on here where the only objective criticism is to point out your own words. Especially those like peridito who can't even be bothered to read your posts/misquote them.
Notnowkate · 10/08/2021 14:08

She's made no secret her husband repulses her. Kind and thoughtful? lol

Naunet · 10/08/2021 14:08

@ActonSquirrel

For fuck sake, why are we shaming a woman just because she’s not attracted to a man?

Because she knew that when she met him!!!

No, she said there was a spark, and women are often advised to “give him a chance” when a man is nice, but she’s not attracted to him.
OverTheRubicon · 10/08/2021 14:15

@Notnowkate OP has made it clear she has never fancied her husband

Actually she said she was all over him at the start. It's entirely possible for some situations not to have hero or a villain. She shouldn't be put off by a bit of weight gain. He shouldn't be telling her that she's the only support he has. That's why, absent abuse, counselling can be so valuable, because it starts from the premise that you both bear responsibility for your relationship and can both take accountability for improving it. But on this board, people are so keen to jump to identifying the baddie, it leads to some truly awful advice and personal attacks.

Notnowkate · 10/08/2021 14:15

@ActonSquirrel

Maybe he wouldn't act so needy and craving attention if he felt wanted and he knows he isn't
That does seem the crux of the issue, but the fact some people on here seem to think the things OP has said about her husband are kind and caring might explain why they are single and bitter.
MakemeaCake · 10/08/2021 14:20

[quote Marriedmiserably]@MakemeaCake to be honest in the start I was all over him like white on rice, couldn't get enough. The chemistry was insane. I knew it would calm down but didn't expect it to completely go from my point of view. He tells me CONSTANTLY how much he fancies me and how he doesn't even look at anyone else. Then he also asks me if I still fancy him. It's a bloody horrible situation and I feel on some level he knows that I don't Sad[/quote]
How long did you date before you married?

Did you live together first?

Is 5 years the total time you have known him?

He's telling you constantly that he fancies you in the vain hope you might fancy him back. You've created a void and he's trying to fill it.
He knows it's not working for you that is clear.

I think you need to be really honest with yourself and why you married him given you have very different personalities.

All the 'right' boxes seem to have been ticked at the start.

A good friend- tick
Kind and caring- tick
A spark that was there

Now, he's put on weight, become needy and is looking at you to boost his self-esteem.

How much of this was obvious before you married him? (Not the weight, obviously.)

Did you ignore the negatives either because you wanted marriage, a baby, security etc?

Or did you marry him as you thought he was the most wonderful man in the world?

It's just that in 5 years it's gone from something that had potential to something that you can't stand.

Why?

Bbq1 · 10/08/2021 14:21

@drpet49

Why did you marry him. You sound so shallow.
What you're saying is very cruel. What don't you just divorce the poor man and let him find somebody loves him. I can only imagine the outcry on here if it was a man posting that. There would be little sympathy amid cries of LTB etc. Sad.
MakemeaCake · 10/08/2021 14:23

What you're saying is very cruel.

why is it cruel to say that someone's behaviour and appearance now turns you off?

People are attracted or not to all kinds of things.

I really don't got for this 'you must love me whatever, even if I have put on loads of weight and / or am a needy bastard sucking the life out of you.'

FFS

Shuffleuplove · 10/08/2021 14:25

Bbq1 it’s not cruel at all. He’s behaving in a really vagina-clenching way. Utterly repellent.

Notnowkate · 10/08/2021 14:26

@Bbq1

But people would be on here saying LTB anyway if the husband was on here saying sone of the things OP has said.

Notnowkate · 10/08/2021 14:28

@Shuffleuplove

Bbq1 it’s not cruel at all. He’s behaving in a really vagina-clenching way. Utterly repellent.
It's cruel to keep it going if you know he repulses you.
Shuffleuplove · 10/08/2021 14:28

So?

She isn’t required to stay with him. She can dump him because it pleases her to do so.

Sakurami · 10/08/2021 14:28

You are allowed to fall out of love though. But because you have a child together and he is a good man, it is worth trying to save it.

I fell out of love with a wonderful man I was with for many years. Still think he's great now. He's happily married and I didn't regret breaking up with him.

Notnowkate · 10/08/2021 14:31

@Shuffleuplove

So?

She isn’t required to stay with him. She can dump him because it pleases her to do so.

Exactly. But that's not what is happening here. I think she should leave him too. I have a feeling that might not happen however.
NotPersephone · 10/08/2021 14:31

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

gannett · 10/08/2021 14:34

@Shuffleuplove

So?

She isn’t required to stay with him. She can dump him because it pleases her to do so.

This is what most posters are actually advising.

The problem is that dumping him isn't just a question of throwing a casual fling away, there's a child and a marriage and a house, and there will be hurt feelings all round.

Women are not obligated to find anyone or anything attractive but they owe it to themselves and their partners to work this out before getting all the way married with kids.

Shuffleuplove · 10/08/2021 14:37

@gannett that assumes that some things can be predicted and fixed, and in this case she wasn’t to know he’d go all weird and needy and expect to her to be responsible for his self esteem!

Myla2 · 10/08/2021 14:41

Then he also asks me if I still fancy him

Oh the poor guy! He is seeking validation and reassurance and op as much as you find it off putting I think you find youd be reacting in the exact same way if she felt your partner recline from you and that he wasnt interested. People want to feel wanted! Especially from their loved ones.

I think you find when you have these conversation that he isnt as clueless as you think. I have a strong suspicion he knows how you feel hence why he has been acting the way he has.

Let me ask you this, if he lost the weight on his face and gained more confidence do you think there would be a better chance of reviving that spark?

Obviously when you talk to him you need to do so in a very sensitive considerate manner, but dont shy away from this. The only way you can move forward and get what you want is by communicating. He needs to know how you are feeling. The uncertainty is most likely playing into his neediness.

gannett · 10/08/2021 14:42

[quote Shuffleuplove]@gannett that assumes that some things can be predicted and fixed, and in this case she wasn’t to know he’d go all weird and needy and expect to her to be responsible for his self esteem![/quote]
I got the impression he's always had that sort of personality. It doesn't sound like he was a strong, confident go-getter in the first place.

As far as I can tell the only thing that's changed is his weight gain, unless I've missed a post.

Crikeyalmighty · 10/08/2021 14:43

What I don’t get is (and when affairs aren’t the issue) is women are advised on here that you can leave at any point for ‘any’ reason if you are just no longer happy- but it seems plenty say you can’t just end it if you no longer fancy the person- be it physically or due to personality changing/no longer being compatible etc . Surely that’s a good a reason as any.

RevolvingPivot · 10/08/2021 14:44

This is me and DH but the other way round.

I have lots of MH issues. DH is military. We are opposites in every way. I think he thinks this about me too. You can't help how you feel.

Notnowkate · 10/08/2021 14:44

[quote Shuffleuplove]@gannett that assumes that some things can be predicted and fixed, and in this case she wasn’t to know he’d go all weird and needy and expect to her to be responsible for his self esteem![/quote]
From what OP has told us so far, this situation probably could have been predicted. Certainly in her feelings from early on. It wasn't going to get any better. Once you no longer fancy someone to the point sex with them repulses you then it's already over really. I would be ending things if I were the OP as people are going to get hurt anyway.

Birminghambloke · 10/08/2021 14:49

[quote Marriedmiserably]@Birminghambloke thank you for your gentle, kind and honest words. This is the exact kind of advice I now realise I was looking for when I posted. I will handle it as delicately as possible. It has to be a conversation about both of us, not just my thoughts/needs/concerns.
He says things to me all the time like 'if you ever left me my life would be absolutely sh*t' ' I couldn't live without you' 'I don't have anyone but you' etc etc. It makes me feel so awful. Though I don't think he would be alone for long if we separated. He is very much someone who needs to be in a relationship and I'm not, I get by quite nicely when single....though could be different in my 30's, who knows. I just know we both deserve to feel content and happy in life and love.[/quote]
That’s it. You both deserve to feel content and happy in life and love. His comments put a lot of pressure and emotional baggage on you. That’s tough as you have your own emotions to deal with. He’s the only one responsible for his own happiness. I think he knows deep down that your relationship is not as it was. Hence, the increase in this neediness. It’s self destructive as it touches the irritation button more and pushes you away more.
You’re doing the right thing to understand and articulate where you’re at. You hold a lot of empathy and compassion as to how to broach it. It might need a statement in the conversation that says he can’t transfer to you when he repeats, which he will. He needs to know that. He will be clutching and will know you well enough to pluck at your heart strings. Be prepared for a lot of emotional baggage being passed your way. Hold your calm resolve. Keep the questions to him - Are you completely happy? Are your needs met? I think it will be emotional. Then from what’s shared, together you’ll define what’s best for you both moving forward. Don’t compromise on that spark- you did before and that’s not being true to your needs. Your child will be fine; supported within a parent deep friendship.