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Original poster

My husband is lovely but I can’t bear sex with him

175 replies

Marriedmiserably · 10/08/2021 06:54

We’ve been married 5 years and have a 3 year old. He is the kindest, most thoughtful, honest, attentive man. He does washing and cleaning without having to be asked, he adores our daughter and worships me. Everything he does in life is centres around the two of us. BUT. He is also very very needy, he can’t do any DIY (won’t even try, I do it all), when he’s stressed or anxious I get a version of him that I cannot stand and I feel like I have to validate him constantly. It’s almost like he needs my praise, gratitude and body to feel worthy.
Physically I have absolutely zero attraction to him. I love him as a person and I am grateful for the father he is. We have a lot in common but are also very different people (I’m confident, outspoken, impulsive and completely independent and he is more reserved, afraid of change, insecure, needy and quite jealous)
My husband has put on weight since we met and it all goes on his face and chin which I know is shallow, but I find very unattractive. I didn’t fancy him when we met, we became friends and found a spark which I now feel is completely dead on my part. He would have sex with me 3 times a day if I was open to it but I can barely bring myself to do it once a fortnight. I don’t know what to do, this is absolutely killing me :-(

OP posts:
Original poster
Marriedmiserably · 10/08/2021 09:03

Thank you for all your replies. Apart from the dumb 'you sound shallow' crap - you're an idiot. The needing an alpha male comment makes SO much sense. All I want is for this sweet and caring man to be happy for the rest of his life. I know I'm making him sad with my distance, it's an absolutely awful feeling knowing I'm hurting someone who has such a good heart. I wish we could just be friends who live together but date other people! But I know he would rather die than live that way.
Oh god this is just too awful.

OP posts:
QuentinBunbury · 10/08/2021 09:03

The bit about sex jumped out at me cora
Do you feel under pressure to have sex more than you want? When you say he wants it 3x a day, is he asking for it a lot? Pestering? Groping?
I suppose I'm wondering if he's sexually coercive as that sounds like more than mismatched sex drives (3x a day seems like a huge amount for a married couple) and you seem like you are carrying a lot of guilt about not having "enough" sex with him.
If he is pressuring you into sex, that's not the action of a loving partner because he's essentially having sex without enthusiastic consent from his partner. In that case its not surprising you have gone off him. Sometimes your body/subconscious are telling you things about the relationship that your conscious brain hasn't yet acknowledged.

Antwerpen · 10/08/2021 09:04

@DoingItMyself

Have more sex with him, as an experiment. It might change your view - I read somewhere that doing it a lot affects the hormones beneficially. (Sounds like a man wrote it.) But worth a try, if you could tolerate it.
No one should have to ‘tolerate’ sex, what a repugnant suggestion.
Original poster
Marriedmiserably · 10/08/2021 09:05

@QuentinBunbury

The bit about sex jumped out at me cora Do you feel under pressure to have sex more than you want? When you say he wants it 3x a day, is he asking for it a lot? Pestering? Groping? I suppose I'm wondering if he's sexually coercive as that sounds like more than mismatched sex drives (3x a day seems like a huge amount for a married couple) and you seem like you are carrying a lot of guilt about not having "enough" sex with him. If he is pressuring you into sex, that's not the action of a loving partner because he's essentially having sex without enthusiastic consent from his partner. In that case its not surprising you have gone off him. Sometimes your body/subconscious are telling you things about the relationship that your conscious brain hasn't yet acknowledged.
No no, it's not like that. I'm not saying he actually tries to pressure me for sex 3 times a day, I'm just saying that he is still highly attracted to me and only has eyes for me. But yes, he will grab at me and touch me when I'm in the kitchen doing the dinner for example and I just think 'oh get off!'
OP posts:
QuentinBunbury · 10/08/2021 09:07

Well yes of course you do. Because you are in the middle of something else.
My exH used to do that and it's actually quite disrespectful. "You've got your hands full so I'm going to grope you". Ugh.

MakemeaCake · 10/08/2021 09:15

@Marriedmiserably

Thank you for all your replies. Apart from the dumb 'you sound shallow' crap - you're an idiot. The needing an alpha male comment makes SO much sense. All I want is for this sweet and caring man to be happy for the rest of his life. I know I'm making him sad with my distance, it's an absolutely awful feeling knowing I'm hurting someone who has such a good heart. I wish we could just be friends who live together but date other people! But I know he would rather die than live that way. Oh god this is just too awful.
Have you had a name change fail @Corastiredmummy? Are you now @Marriedmiserably
cheezy · 10/08/2021 09:16

This could be me in a few years…
I think there may be something in a PP’s comment, about men who need to be mothered. I certainly see that in my own relationship and I wonder if there’s a way to minimise that dynamic.
There’s nothing more attractive IMO than my DP going off and doing his own thing, having hobbies and interests outside the home. Being independent from me. Is there anything at all OP that could rescue this relationship, because truly good men are hard to come by.

For me, I’m definitely drawn to illusive, emotionally unavailable men - obviously not good! It’s to do with my attachment style I think. I have to remember that solid, stable committed men are much much better for me. But it’s not as attractive on a deeper level. I’m waffling but I’m not sure you should throw in the towel just yet.

MakemeaCake · 10/08/2021 09:20

I think OP that you need to start having a conversation in your own head around how you can tell him how you feel.

I have been married for 35+ years. I can tell you in all honesty it's hard slog.

If, after 5 years you are feeling this way, it will not get better.

Both of you deserve better.

It might help you to have some counselling either while you split or afterwards. You need some insight into why you chose a 'safe' option of a H, who clearly adores you, but you don't feel the buzz with him.

The way you describe yourself, it makes me wonder why you chose a man so different to you!

Was the urge for a child so overwhelming that you grabbed him, or did you feel you couldn't do any better? I think you need to be really honest with why you went into this marriage so you can extract yourself with compassion but also not get into future relationships for the wrong reasons.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/08/2021 09:23

There’s a strong undercurrent of contempt running through your posts and that’s a death kneel for a marriage.

He deserves someone who loves him and is attracted to him even if he doesn’t like DIY.

Divorce him. Find a strong silent type who is happy to swing a hammer and tell him he’s not allowed to put weight on his face. Let your husband find someone who loves, appreciates and fancies the pants off him.

If you’re currently parenting well together you can continue to do so apart.

Theworldisfullofgs · 10/08/2021 09:31

I do think you need to talk to him about his anxiety. It would help him yo see a therapist to manage this and therefore not stifling. You might feel attraction again if you didn't feel gecwas so needy. If you did decide to split he would also have support and he might also be able to talk yo you about how he feels.

But be careful about what you wish for.

TheFoundations · 10/08/2021 09:33

But I know he would rather die than live that way

Hang on.... is that your hyperbole or his, OP? Does he say his life will be over if you split up, or some incarnation of that?

Hopeisallineed · 10/08/2021 09:35

I’m confused now, are you posting under two names?

ActonSquirrel · 10/08/2021 09:46

I wish we could just be friends who live together but date other people! But I know he would rather die than live that way.
Oh god this is just too awful

Wait a minute so you want to date and fuck others whilst living with your husband so you have him around as a co parent.

He wouldn't rather die dear. He'll get over you. Unless you think you're so special having a woman who doesn't even want him would destroy his life forever? Hmm

TiredButDancing · 10/08/2021 09:46

I agree with a PP who said that you have to mother him and that is deeply deeply unattractive. It's hard to feel sexy and attracted to someone you have to comfort and walk around carefully around in case he gets sad and anxious. There may well be women out there who would not have a problem with that, perhaps who like and need the same thing so it's mutually beneficial. But I know that I couldn't live like that.

As for the sex 3x a day thing, I think a dynamic often develops in these situations where he is constantly trying to get you in the mood with the groping and the result is that you are even more turned off because you're trying to do the washing up or whatever. This is even more true if your other interactions with him are all about you caring for him and looking after his mental health.

Jurassicparkinajug · 10/08/2021 10:17

I think its hard to go back when you find him so unattractive. The pestering you for sex won't help. Have you spoke to him about that?
You can't help how you feel OP. It's a horrible feeling to hurt someone but the situation is unlikely to improve if you stay and the divide will become greater. Can you imagine when you are older and your child has left home and its just the two of you? People often split up then but it's harder to meet someone else at that age. You can't stay just because you don't want to hurt him.

Shuffleuplove · 10/08/2021 10:34

Bleurgh. You’ve got The Ick and given his neediness that’s not surprising. You’re not required to be his therapist or validator. Or his mum. And it’s not at all shallow.

Branleuse · 10/08/2021 10:37

Youre not into him. Hes not a charity case. You need to find a way to split

StrawberryPuff · 10/08/2021 10:42

Sounds like you’ve got an avoidant attachment style and he’s got an anxious one.

Stop torturing the poor man. Either by properly addressing your own attachment issues or by moving on.

Hopeisallineed · 10/08/2021 10:42

@Jurassicparkinajug he’s not pestering her for sex. RTT, think she’s posting under two names so it’s confusing.

Amima · 10/08/2021 10:43

Your post seems to show you want an Alpha male who can get the cave in order, whereas he is a softer Beta guy who simply doesn't do it for you
This. Most women aren’t attracted to weak submissive men. Perhaps when you first met him he seemed stronger, but as time has passed and you’ve got to know him more in depth, it’s more and more obvious that he’s weak. I don’t think this is really about looks - if you met a strong dominant man I wouldn’t be surprised if you felt attraction even if he was the same size and looks as your DH. Unfortunately I don’t think this can be fixed - he’s a submissive man and that isn’t going to change.

ActonSquirrel · 10/08/2021 10:43

What on earth is the ick?

Never heard such a daft expression before what even is it?

Confused
Original poster
Marriedmiserably · 10/08/2021 10:44

Sorry I don't know how to reply to individual comments (I've barely used Mumsnet!)
Yeah I changed my user name, my previous one was a bit of a giveaway but the name is still showing up, which is annoying and concerning. If my husband saw this post he would be heartbroken. And likely very angry.
Why did I marry him? He is kind, hardworking, honest and lots of other things. I guess I didn't expect the sexual attraction to diminish to such a level. I loved him, he was my best friend and we have lots in common from a social and hobbies aspect. I have seen the worst of men in my time and I knew he would be a wonderful husband in many ways.
I'm not expecting to want to rip the clothes off my long term partner at every given opportunity but it should be that when I am horny, he should be the one I want and that's just not the case Sad

OP posts:
Notnowkate · 10/08/2021 10:44

Some pretty heartless replies here. Poor man. Why would you marry someone you never fancied? Someone said early on what would you feel if he were saying the same things about you, that you have put weight on in your face and neck and it turns you off? You'd probably think he was a bit shallow. I think that's the key here. Sorry OP but I can't see you getting the replies you want to hear.

ActonSquirrel · 10/08/2021 10:45

Most women aren’t attracted to weak submissive men

If a man posted most men are attracted to soft feminine women how stay trim and make an effort with their clothes they'd be eaten alive.

What utter nonsense

ohthatbloodycat · 10/08/2021 10:46

You have to end it. He deserves that.