Dear Op (and all other posters in similar positions)
I think you sound very kind and caring. You continually praise your DH. I see nothing wrong in your reasons to marry him ) it grew from friendship and there was a spark, you valued his good qualities.
I have recently come out of a 27 year relationship with a very similar sounding man. It fell apart when unbelievably he confessed to some historic cheating, l pulled away from him and he fell apart, his anxiety ramped up to co-erciveness and l began to feel unsafe.
My journey has involved immense self reflection and although lonely and painful, it has been a time of huge personal growth.
Your husband’s neediness, insecurity, jealousy are very difficult qualities to live with and essentially have made it impossible for the two of you to have a healthy relationship. You have been propping him up for years and this will have been exhausting for you.
On my journey, l have moved from stating that my STBXH didn’t have a manipulative bone in his body to realizing that he is one of the most manipulative and controlling people l have ever met. So much of it was covert and under the radar and very effectively disguised by his ‘good guy’ qualities.
Guilting and shaming someone and pushing the responsibility onto someone else are very manipulative acts. When we do it we are often not aware of it and it is not often a planned response, but a response from childhood trauma and unresolved hurts.
As other posters have said, you are not responsible for his feelings.
You will need to spend time reflecting on the choices you have made in the relationship. You may find it helpful to do this with a counsellor.
Two books l have read that have been immensely helpful are;
‘Out of the Fog’ by Dana Morningstar - although the focus of the book is on narcissistic abuse, it is incredibly helpful in sorting out what is and what isn’t problematic behaviour. I had many lightbulb moments reading this and it made me realise that certain behaviours that l didn’t have a problem with were in fact real red flags.
Also ‘ How to do the Work’ by Dr Nicole Le Pera. This is a personal self growth book that gets you to examine your own patterns, traumas, responses and guides you to make more mature choices in your own life.
Also Lundy Bancroft in ‘ Why does he do that’ writes about a profile of a needy sensitive man who makes you responsible for their choices.
I think you feel very strongly he is an incredibly kind and lovely man. This may well be true but you need to spend some time looking at the part of him that is very selfish. It might take a number of months to work through this.
Take your time. you can start doing it from within the relationship. You don’t need to make any decisions right now.