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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I fucking hate him. What a total bastard

462 replies

Workinghardeveryday · 08/08/2021 22:58

Okay, fuming so apologies for typing.
About 5/6 months ago we were going through a very bad patch. We talked all day one Saturday for 6 hours, got no where. At the end of the conversation he started crying, like really crying. Told me he had a thing for big bums - which I don’t have. In his words, ‘I would want to fuck you every night if you had bum surgery’. Went on to explain in detail how much he likes big bums. I was totally crushed.
I cannot begin to explain what effect this has had on my self esteem. I look after myself, lower end of bmi even after dd15 and twins 10 that I was induced for so very big.
We worked things out eventually, we were loved up for a while, couldn’t keep hands off each other. In all this time though he has never tried to make me feel better, even though he knows I am still devastated about what he said. I do bum work outs 4 times a day, everyday. I cannot bare my bum. Can hardly look at it, everything I wear is to cover it.
He has made out since that night he doesn’t have a thing for big bums, he was confused, we weren’t getting on. Now things are good he realised he likes my bum because he loves me.
Tonight we were watching a film. The girl on it was very attractive, very small none existent bum. I asked him if he thought she was attractive, yes. Fine, she was, no issues. - relieved as she has small bum. I asked if he liked her bum, yes. So I said but she has a small hun I thought you liked big bums, he said he likes big bums as much as small bums.
Evening continued, everything fine but he started being distant. He went in kitchen came back in, asked why I was crying - I wasn’t. Then stormed off back in kitchen.
I am livid. So, he thought I was upset about the bum conversation tonight, so instead of reassuring me in someway gets angry and storms off?!!! Wtf. What a twat.
I called him out on it, he went mad, stormed off again in his car and gone.
I always let him walk all over me, I am sure af I am not going to sit here and say nothing that he thought I was crying and got angry about it!!! Who even does that. So cold.
Wouldn’t care, I wasn’t even crying.

OP posts:
WolfFleeceSpotter · 09/08/2021 00:30

[quote Workinghardeveryday]@farmhouseloving thank you for understanding

Why doesn’t anyone get it? If every time you had sex you knew your dp would prefer you to look another way how can that not make you feel horrible? If every time you walk down the street or from one room to another and you know a part of your body bothered your partner enough for you to have surgery how do you get past that? Seriously tell me how?[/quote]
Seriously, you get past it by dumping him. This isn’t a healthy relationship, and is damaging your self esteem. Get out, and find someone who doesn’t treat you so badly.

SaharaFlower · 09/08/2021 00:30

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JellyJellyTooToo · 09/08/2021 00:32

If this IS real, his issue is the porn, not your bum

me4real · 09/08/2021 00:33

He should've been binned after the bum surgery comment, but I get that it can be hard to think of binning someone sometimes.

Why doesn’t anyone get it?

I'm sure a lot of us get it OP. Some more than others depending on how much they tend to be sensitive about these sorts of issues maybe. I have eating disorder symptoms sometimes so I would be hurt by some derogatory comments about my body. If someone said I had a small bum I'd quite like that though maybe. But I get what you mean that it's hurtful when a partner claims we fall short physically in some way- especially if we can't oo anything about it (unless you really had surgery; and it would be very sad to have that just to please this tosser.)

I want it to work. I don’t want to be alone

Being alone's great, honestly. Comparative peace, less drama, less tension etc. Really relaxing. I'd recommend it. Hes not particularly supportive to you, so you won't be missing much.

farmhouseloving · 09/08/2021 00:34

Does anyone of you have insecurities? Should we sit and laugh at you for having something your not confident about? What if this was happening to your daughter who was worried about her appearance? Would you want others to make it a joke? NO. You wouldn't

Snugglybuggly · 09/08/2021 00:36

First world problems

Lanique · 09/08/2021 00:36

Are your dcs witness to all this drama, op? Hmm

WolfFleeceSpotter · 09/08/2021 00:39

“I want it to work. I don’t want to be alone”

The price you are paying for being in a couple with this fella, is far too high. Your mental health and self esteem is priceless, but you are placing a value on him that he doesn’t deserve.

Being alone is brilliant, it allows you time and space to find someone to genuinely respects and love you, not someone who is pathetic like this arse.

HoppingPavlova · 09/08/2021 00:47

Gee, would hate for the guy to be in a room with me. He’d go wild. I possibly have the biggest bum there isGrin. Seriously, if my DH had of said what your DH did it would have been a hard choice between rolling around laughing or wondering how quickly I could divorce him for being such a tosser. Upset would not have factored in.

Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 09/08/2021 00:50

I just can’t work none stop all day then sit down alone every night. When things are good it’s really great and I do still love him. Don’t suppose I would be bothered about any of it if I didn’t.
Kids have no idea, upstairs, big house, thick walls and technology on. They think sun shines out his bum. He had meltdowns before and kids witnessed it, well heard it. I told him if it ever happened again he would be gone and it never has. He just gets angry in front of me.
I agree with pp that he doesn’t like me, treats me this way because he just doesn’t like me anymore. Maybe the bum thing was him trying to find reasons with himself for falling out of love

OP posts:
Mamanyt · 09/08/2021 00:52

LOOK...here's the "bottom" line here...what trips your trigger is what trips your trigger. He can no more help liking big bums than you can help NOT liking them. AND he seems to have tried to show you that he loves you and wants you, regardless of size. Or that's what you said. Then, MONTHS after the incident, you brought it up again and very pointedly. He felt you were attacking him, and not wrongly. Had the situation been reversed, the opinions here would have been very different.

If you really hate him, LEAVE. It is that simple. If you stay, your (very naturally) hurt feelings are going to keep both of you on edge and sniping at one another. But bear this in mind...You are NOT YOUR BUM. Nor does he seem to think that you are, and has tried to show you that (loved up) over time. You are the one who has taken this to heart, and made it the one single thing that this relationship hinges on.

isitsummertimeyet · 09/08/2021 00:56

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Famousinlove · 09/08/2021 01:08

@VodselForDinner

When did the cracks start to show, OP?
STOP IT
SpikedTea · 09/08/2021 01:11

Honestly If it makes you feel this bad you need to talk to him properly and tell him how you feel.
I have never feel conscious of my body with DH, I know he doesn't care. We both have got plumper, greyer and wrinkler over the years. Its life. I would never have surgery just too please him and if he asked he would get a middle finger and told to get some himself.
I realise though that you are worried about this and its playing on your mind. Talk to him. Tell him how it makes you feel.
Also I'm sure you have a lovely bum

DreamTheMoors · 09/08/2021 01:15

“…all I wanted was for him to make me feel better about myself…”
Oh, love. Nobody can make you feel better about yourself - that’s your job.
You need to work on your self esteem. You do that by keeping the people in your life who love you for you and lift you up - and getting rid of the people in your life who make you feel bad about yourself.
Then, you concentrate on doing the very best you can as a parent, at your job and on yourself.
Work on the positive and lose the negative.
What’s working in your life? What isn’t?
What make you happy? Unhappy?
Concentrate on the working and happy.
And the realistic.
And smile at yourself in the mirror every day when nobody else will.

DreamTheMoors · 09/08/2021 01:29

@Workinghardeveryday

I know a lot of you think it’s all very childish and tbf the way I have told it does sound that way. Imagine falling in love with someone, we were everything to each other, always together, call txt all day everyday if not together. Then he starts being distant after all those years then he comes out with that. Obviously I am hurt/embarrassed. Who doesn’t want their man to fancy them? For the last couple of months we have argued on and off. I spoke to a solicitor a couple of weeks ago to get my ‘ducks in a row’. I feel like I am always trying to keep him happy. I do everything for him apart from run his bath and wipe his behind. Absolutely everything to do with the house/kids/bills. I want it to work. I don’t want to be alone
But you’re willing to settle for someone who obviously isn’t turned on by you any more? Why in God’s Name do you think this man will be the one & only man in the world for you??? To ever love you or want you? Oh my gosh - what has he done to your self worth you poor thing? I’d rather be alone than to end up like this. You are worth so much more than this - don’t look at it as being alone. Look at it as the opportunity to being with the right man - finally!!!
MrsMayJune · 09/08/2021 01:30

What do you mean when you say you have a small bum? Do you mean a flat bum or a bum proportioned to your small size?

A flat bum you can do nothing about. It is what it is. He either accepts you as you are or leave.

DuchessOfDisaster · 09/08/2021 01:36

[quote Workinghardeveryday]@farmhouseloving thank you for understanding

Why doesn’t anyone get it? If every time you had sex you knew your dp would prefer you to look another way how can that not make you feel horrible? If every time you walk down the street or from one room to another and you know a part of your body bothered your partner enough for you to have surgery how do you get past that? Seriously tell me how?[/quote]
By chucking him.

Sakurami · 09/08/2021 01:42

You know what, even if I did have a thing for a physical attribute, I wouldn't go on about it to my partner if he didn't have it . Imagine if I went on about being super attracted to dark haired, dark eyed men to my blond, blue eyed boyfriend. That if he was dark I'd want to shag him evenry day and so on.

For a start, my love and attraction for my boyfriend are about him and not physical attributes and secondly I'm not a heartless bitch.

I've been a variety of shapes and sizes and it hasn't changed my exes or my boyfriends desire for me. And vice versa.

He is a dick and you are perfect the way you are. And unless he is spending hours at the gym trying to get a perfect body to impress you then you should stop changing yourself for him.

WeightlossBarbie · 09/08/2021 01:57

We can all assure you that if you slid into a different reality and got a butt job it wouldn’t fix the situation. It’s not even about bums for that matter.

Wishingwell75 · 09/08/2021 01:59

Disappointed "twins you say?"
didn't make the thread.
I stand by my theory that MN bingo happens here late on Sunday nights, it's just that not everyone knows they're playing!
On the off chance, the slimmest, possible off chance.........I will add my two peneth worth.
Nobody is having a go at you OP because of how you feel about yourself, they're just incredulous that you are not reframing the situation.
This arse of a man doesn't deserve you!
If after all this time he is properly crying about your bum, then clearly he's the problem, not your derriere!
What does he bring to the fiesta?

1forAll74 · 09/08/2021 02:01

A mind boggling topic to discuss.

Kanaloa · 09/08/2021 02:13

Can I just clear up that your husband (who you’ve had kids with) sat on the couch crying because your bum isn’t big enough? I would not have been able to stop laughing if my husband cried because he thought my bum was too small.

Why are you putting up with this? Other than sounding emotionally unstable if he cries over the size of bums, he also sounds snappy and bad tempered, and very shallow.

Kanaloa · 09/08/2021 02:15

This can’t possibly be made up because not even the best sitcom writer could come up with a man sobbing ‘why don’t you get bum surgery then I’d want to have sex with you every night’ as if that would be the ultimate treat. If I was you I’d work on flattening your bum as much as you can and try and get rid of him that way.

Plumtree391 · 09/08/2021 02:17

If you probe you will get to the bottom of his problem. He does have a cheek saying that though.