I fucking hate him. What a total bastard

[Workinghardeveryday]

Okay, fuming so apologies for typing.
About 5/6 months ago we were going through a very bad patch. We talked all day one Saturday for 6 hours, got no where. At the end of the conversation he started crying, like really crying. Told me he had a thing for big bums - which I don’t have. In his words, ‘I would want to fuck you every night if you had bum surgery’. Went on to explain in detail how much he likes big bums. I was totally crushed.
I cannot begin to explain what effect this has had on my self esteem. I look after myself, lower end of bmi even after dd15 and twins 10 that I was induced for so very big.
We worked things out eventually, we were loved up for a while, couldn’t keep hands off each other. In all this time though he has never tried to make me feel better, even though he knows I am still devastated about what he said. I do bum work outs 4 times a day, everyday. I cannot bare my bum. Can hardly look at it, everything I wear is to cover it.
He has made out since that night he doesn’t have a thing for big bums, he was confused, we weren’t getting on. Now things are good he realised he likes my bum because he loves me.
Tonight we were watching a film. The girl on it was very attractive, very small none existent bum. I asked him if he thought she was attractive, yes. Fine, she was, no issues. - relieved as she has small bum. I asked if he liked her bum, yes. So I said but she has a small hun I thought you liked big bums, he said he likes big bums as much as small bums.
Evening continued, everything fine but he started being distant. He went in kitchen came back in, asked why I was crying - I wasn’t. Then stormed off back in kitchen.
I am livid. So, he thought I was upset about the bum conversation tonight, so instead of reassuring me in someway gets angry and storms off?!!! Wtf. What a twat.
I called him out on it, he went mad, stormed off again in his car and gone.
I always let him walk all over me, I am sure af I am not going to sit here and say nothing that he thought I was crying and got angry about it!!! Who even does that. So cold.
Wouldn’t care, I wasn’t even crying.

Just note OP that as this thread is re-upped in Active many will only read your first post and respond insensitively, instead of reading the thread

I'm sorry you're hurting but you've done the right thing. Take one minute , hour at a time. Take time off work if needed . Try to have no contact with him as far as practicable. Keep reminding yourself of why you ended it and start to imagine in your mind a happier time and your ideal life. Don't worry about the how, just the what! This may give you some comfort when your mind is racing. Fortify yourself this week then start with practical arrangements when youre over the initial shock to the system

Actually @arcof everything in the OPs first post says it all about this numbskull. He's abusive and manipulative.

10 pages on and it's absolutely clear they definitely need to get some RL professional help, because clearly the good advice and support in here can only go so far. We cannot actually extract the OP from their life with this loser, if only we could. They have to take the next steps now. Saying there, there won't be kind in the long-run.

If he contacts you to make any arrangements for picking up belongings, seeing children, etc, tell him you will get back to him on X date at X time.

Do this regardless of whether you can give him an answer immediately. The point is that he has to wait for you and not impose any demands on your time or headspace, out of the blue.

Thank you, all very good advice.
It’s so much harder than I thought. It’s unnerving how one second I feel strong and thinking about a positive future and the next totally devastated.
I can’t sleep and when I eventually do I had a nightmare and woke up screaming. Dd ran in to see what was wrong.
I miss him so much and it makes it so much worse because he doesn’t love me anymore. I don’t know why that matters so much but it is destroying me

We have always had a relationship where we did everything together. When not together we missed each other and txt continuously. It’s so strange not doing that now. I keep checking my phone for a message and obviously there isn’t one.
I just always thought we would grow old together and out of any man in the world he would love me forever. I honestly don’t think I would ever trust a man to love me again. I will always be waiting for him to fall out of love in the future

Has his fixation on the size of your bum only just come out OP? You say you've always done everything together and text each other continuously, but has he always been so negative and disparaging towards you? What has this man actually done to deserve such devotion?

You seem to have spent years running around after him, and have become conditioned to that, so if you're also conditioned to his appalling treatment of you, it will take time to shift your mindset to being self-reliant and not looking to him for your validation. It will be liberating when you break free of him dragging you down in life, so you can be your own person.

Well done, one day at a time.
Time to shore up your finances.
If you have joint savings, remove half.
Make sure no direct debits of his are coming out of your account
Including Sky, Netflix, Porn sites.
Register for all aid possible.
Including single person house tax (cant think of the right term)
Are you renting? Who is on the lease?

Make a list if important admin, then tackle it one job a day so you are not overwhelmed.

Get support in real life from close family & friends
Be ready for people to "take sides", it will hurt, but you don't have to explain.
No-one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Do not answer his messages immediately, breath, take your time.
As my mother would say, "Never reply in pyjamas"

@mathanxiety

He is hoping you will break down and beg him to come back.

When that doesn't happen, you can expect him to -
1 - cry and sob and try to make you feel sorry for him,
2 - cry and sob and promise you he will change,
3 - threaten suicide,
4 - get very angry and threatening with you,
5 - possibly send 'flying monkeys' to report on how angry/sad/suicidal/sorry he is and try to persuade you to ask him back.

Some abusers go through the whole cycle in a single day.

Block him on your phone and on all SM.
Don't be tempted to look on any SM of his you have access to.

Be kind to yourself. Try to eat three times a day.

THIS ^

Read again what you wrote:

"He is being kinder to me since yesterday afternoon after talking. A couple of days ago I was terrified of being alone and would have done anything for any affection from him. Now I look at him and have lost so much respect for him for all I have said and the fact he watched me so very low and tearful and couldn’t so much as ask if I was okay. Who even does that? I wouldn’t do that to someone I hated. He’s told me over and over he doesn’t love me like he used to. Then in breath he does love me though. He could love me again in the future, he just has his guard up right now. Today instead of that breaking my heart I feel stronger."

As @mathanxiety says, he's attempts to rope you back in are all part of a classic cycle of abuse. And your feelings of wanting him to show kindness, of yearning for the love and togetherness that you used to share, your attempts to understand why he does what he does... - all these are signs of your ongoing codependency.

It's good that you say you have lost respect for him and that you are feeling stronger. But be aware that these are mere stepping stones on a long and difficult journey. Your thoughts and feelings are still focused on him!! Until you can banish him from your mind and focus on yourself and what you need to do for yourself and your children, you will continue to be at risk.

I'll urge you again to seek counselling and consider antidepressant therapy to get you through the struggle ahead. And do read this book by Melody Beattie:

www.goodreads.com/book/show/720298.Codependent_No_More

Even though it is primarily aimed at partners of alcoholics, it has helped many others who are caught up in destructive relationships and lost themselves in the process of twisting themselves ever more to keep the relationship afloat.

Thank you for your posts, I keep reading them over and over when I feel at rock bottom.

I don’t know what I would have done without MN xx

Believe this us the new beginning
The new chance to be yourself, not some sub human dominated by his needs/demands/ego
The guy is poison, you're addicted.
It will take time to break free of his "thrall"
Good days, bad days
The goal is liberty, release, calm.
Its your life, you need to live it

🤣. sorry O.P. You have my sympathy for the situation but I laughed at this comment. Hope it gets resolved.

Was a reply to an earlier comment. Not good at mumsnet