I fucking hate him. What a total bastard

[Workinghardeveryday]

Okay, fuming so apologies for typing.
About 5/6 months ago we were going through a very bad patch. We talked all day one Saturday for 6 hours, got no where. At the end of the conversation he started crying, like really crying. Told me he had a thing for big bums - which I don’t have. In his words, ‘I would want to fuck you every night if you had bum surgery’. Went on to explain in detail how much he likes big bums. I was totally crushed.
I cannot begin to explain what effect this has had on my self esteem. I look after myself, lower end of bmi even after dd15 and twins 10 that I was induced for so very big.
We worked things out eventually, we were loved up for a while, couldn’t keep hands off each other. In all this time though he has never tried to make me feel better, even though he knows I am still devastated about what he said. I do bum work outs 4 times a day, everyday. I cannot bare my bum. Can hardly look at it, everything I wear is to cover it.
He has made out since that night he doesn’t have a thing for big bums, he was confused, we weren’t getting on. Now things are good he realised he likes my bum because he loves me.
Tonight we were watching a film. The girl on it was very attractive, very small none existent bum. I asked him if he thought she was attractive, yes. Fine, she was, no issues. - relieved as she has small bum. I asked if he liked her bum, yes. So I said but she has a small hun I thought you liked big bums, he said he likes big bums as much as small bums.
Evening continued, everything fine but he started being distant. He went in kitchen came back in, asked why I was crying - I wasn’t. Then stormed off back in kitchen.
I am livid. So, he thought I was upset about the bum conversation tonight, so instead of reassuring me in someway gets angry and storms off?!!! Wtf. What a twat.
I called him out on it, he went mad, stormed off again in his car and gone.
I always let him walk all over me, I am sure af I am not going to sit here and say nothing that he thought I was crying and got angry about it!!! Who even does that. So cold.
Wouldn’t care, I wasn’t even crying.

You are doing incredibly well, it's going to be difficult, but don't underestimate how far you come, and will go.

Hi, thought I would post again for support and a hand to hold.
I am finding all of this so devastating. Yesterday I felt stronger, I don’t know why, maybe because I slept the night before, I don’t know. When he got home I just go back to square one. Confused, so hurt, frustrated, frightened.
I want it to work, I want him to love me, then I immediately think what a looser he is and to move on. I think the hardest bit right now is that I have given him everything for 13 years. I am so utterly devastated it’s over, I had to end a call at work to a client because I started crying. It just comes from nowhere like a punch in my stomach and my breath is taken away. Yet there is no emotion from him. He will talk but it’s obvious he can’t be arsed and would prefer to watch tv. He says he loves me still in one conversation but at the same time says his feelings towards me are different, it’s obvious he feels in no way ‘in love’ which he admits. He can’t even comfort me with a cuddle or kind words when I am so upset. How is that love. The only thing he has been interested in talking about is xrp. It’s pathetic. He is extremely immature so why on earth do I feel so devastated at the thought of not being together. I can’t put into words how much I feel so unloved and insignificant, the fact he isn’t in love with me is breaking me. How do I get past that and accept my life is going to be completely different and move on. It’s so unfair

It is unfair, it's a loss, it's like a bereavement, you're grieving the future you thought you had with him. It's going to take time, and some days will be much easier than others. It's hideous, and it hurts so badly, but what you're feeling is entirely normal

You said it yourself - he is such a loser. Even when you're trying to share his good points (in a previous post), he sounds like a teenager. 'he can be nice and he makes me tea and he sometimes clears up after dinner'. That might be admirable in a 13 year old, but it's utterly pathetic in a grown adult who is supposed to be in an equal partnership with you and raising 3 kids together. Honestly, keep going. You're doing just fine, even if it doesn't feel like it

Thank you, he is like a teenager. When he moved in years ago and there was a ‘man job’ that I couldn’t do he would just leave it. I would always think to myself it’s like he is waiting for his dad to turn up and sort it out, he has never changed.
He is so cold too and bad tempered. I shouldn’t feel afraid of asking a question in fear of making him angry.
It’s like he gets a kick out of watching me so upset, says he isn’t and sorry if it comes across that way, I think he is. Massive ego boost for him.
He said last night sometimes he hates me so much he can’t stand the sight of me and he worries he would get so angry and stab me!!!! He has never hit me. Then he went back on it and said it wasn’t true, he wouldn’t ever do it but sometimes he wants too. Yet I am still upset. Wtf is wrong with me. I should be kicking him down the street

I really think you need to call some MH helpline as opposed to MN, this thread isnt doing you much help and if you are serious about wanting to change and this isnt just covert narc fawning in other peoples attention and pity, GET THE HELP YOU KNOW YOU NEED.

So many pp have said so on here, yet you keep coming back to update on the BS hes said to you. Tbh, i regret ever posting because now I keep getting those notifications.

@Sampafie
Sorry. I thought mn was for exactly this. People who needed help and advice, how stupid of me.

Talk about kicking someone when they are at their lowest. Well thank you very much.

If you don’t want to read this thread then don’t open it. It isn’t difficult.

How do I need a MH help? Because my relationship is breaking down and I have no one to turn to for advice?
Thanks

What is 'xrp', WorkingHard? I googled and something technological came up, I doubt you mean that.

WorkingHard: I thought mn was for exactly this. People who needed help and advice, how stupid of me.
..........

It exists for us to support each other in anonymity and that can be very useful indeed but most of us are not professionals in Mental Health problems, or relationship counselling. We can give our opinions and sympathise but no more than that.

Read your last message back about how he said he hates you so much he could stab you. That is insane rhetoric. Whether he would or not is immaterial, just saying that sentence to you shows he is a bottom feeder.

Put one foot in front of the other. The sooner he is out the sooner you can find peace. So you spent 13 years with him. It’s not a waste. If you stayed and it became 14 years or 17 years after your realisation that he is an absolute piece of shit, THAT would be a waste.

You are doing the right thing, your abusive ex partner is not enjoying the process of being dumped one little bit so is making it as unpleasant as possible. Steel yourself and just get through it. You don’t have to live with him for much longer and that is going to feel so good.

You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that you do NOT like ginormous total arses, and kick him out.

He is my best friend, he’s kind, rubs my feet and does clean up after tea, and hoovers downstairs on a Saturday (we Hoover daily)

Get a roomba.

Get one of those foot massage things.

Get some paper plates and disposable cutlery.

Get counseling. Work on redefining your idea of 'best friend', and 'kind'.

@Workinghardeveryday - of course you should come back to this thread whenever you are in need of support. There are plenty of people here you will try to help. But you do need to accept that the path you choose is ultimately up to you.

I can see that, at a rational level, you are grasping that he is bad for you, that he doesn't love you, and that you have to end it. However, you are still emotionally entangled and unable to let go. Your emotions are all over the place and your thought processes seem disjointed.

You still seem unable to grasp, to accept at a fundamental level, that the relationship has no future. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, you are still hoping he'll love you. You are even pining for cuddles to console you in your distress...

You cannot go on like this. You need to act to bring this whole mess of a joint life to a conclusion. You know this. Now you need to actually do it.

Please don't discount the idea of seeking MH support. I really think you might benefit from counselling. I would also urge you to consider going on a low dose of an antidepressant. It might take the edge off your raw pain and help you focus on what you need to do.

Surely the real problem is he prefers wanking while watching fat bums pornography? to loving the woman he is living with, the mother if his children?

He likes big bums. He's allowed to like big bums. It's VERY weird that he cried and asked you to have an op but he IS allowed to like a physical attribute which you don't have.

You, on the other hand, are chronically insecure. You need to see a counsellor to work out why you can't cope with your bum not matching your partners preference and why you can't live alone.

This whole thread wouldn't even need to be written if you were confident with high self esteem

Wow if someone said they 'hate me so much they want to stab me' would see me going nc with them. How utterly revolting and scary he is

Is this a joke, if not you both sound crazy.

I mean this with every kindness. This man has told you he is not going to change - believe him. Someone can only change if they really want to, even then it is not really sustainable, and he really doesn't want to.

He can never make you happy so your choice really is simple - stay and condemn yourself to years of misery - or separate and give yourself peace and a chance of happiness.

I am not saying separation will be easy or pain free - it won't - but it will get better and you will be happy again. There are many long running posters on MN who have documented their journey from despair to peace, happiness and new, better relationships.

One thing you said that really worried me is that he feels sometimes he could stab you. This man wants to live his life without you bothering him, he has told you exactly where he stands. If you stay you are agreeing to his conditions and if you break them he has warned you he could hurt you.

Please be brave, get out and report his threats to the police 💐

Thank you for your posts. I do value them and it really helps me get my head around what is happening from an outside perspective.
He is being kinder to me since yesterday afternoon after talking. A couple of days ago I was terrified of being alone and would have done anything for any affection from him. Now I look at him and have lost so much respect for him for all I have said and the fact he watched me so very low and tearful and couldn’t so much as ask if I was okay. Who even does that? I wouldn’t do that to someone I hated.
He’s told me over and over he doesn’t love me like he used to. Then in breath he does love me though. He could love me again in the future, he just has his guard up right now. Today instead of that breaking my heart I feel stronger. Why do I need love of someone as pathetic as him? Because it’s love - not him? I don’t know! I do know I just need to let him go but I have to accept it’s over first and being single. I am getting there though. Strangely after everything he has done, it’s the fact he doesn’t love me that is bringing me around

How old are you OP? If you don't mind me asking.

I have asked him to go. He is leaving tonight. I was fine saying and didn’t feel upset. Then fine after, then out of nowhere devastated then fine. I feel like I am loosing my mind.
Just keep walking around cleaning

He’s gone

He is hoping you will break down and beg him to come back.

When that doesn't happen, you can expect him to -
1 - cry and sob and try to make you feel sorry for him,
2 - cry and sob and promise you he will change,
3 - threaten suicide,
4 - get very angry and threatening with you,
5 - possibly send 'flying monkeys' to report on how angry/sad/suicidal/sorry he is and try to persuade you to ask him back.

Some abusers go through the whole cycle in a single day.

Block him on your phone and on all SM.
Don't be tempted to look on any SM of his you have access to.

Be kind to yourself. Try to eat three times a day.

You will feel up and down for a while but him going is the best thing to happen. Don't contact him, keen 'phone calls to the miminum, leave it to him to make arrangements to see the children and when he calls, be doing things, going out, speaking vaguely etc.

Your life is about to be begin.

He isn't worth it op, men like this rarely grow up and put porn and desire before anything else. Him leaving is the best thing in the long run especially for your confidence which he has completely destroyed. I'm afraid you will always get arsehole posters on here, it's got worse on here in recent years. Trans haters, men haters, grammar police, people that can't handle words such as bum, pee, poo and the like. Remember most of these sorts are trolls or bored ready to rip and some poor unsuspecting person. Just ignore them and focus on the actual posts where people are understanding. Take care op x

@Workinghardeveryday

The cracks started to show a couple of years ago. We stopped doing the deed, only once every 3 weeks or so. Yes he was staying up and watching porn. Yes I think about the fact they all had lovely bums and mine is small

'I would want to fuck you every night if you had bum surgery’.

OP how can you be with someone who hasn't evolved from Neanderthal man in a cave. Really, why does what he say even matter talking like that.

And sorry but a thread about bums, and then talking about "the cracks showing" is beyond real!

I don't suppose any of us in here will help you build up your self esteem, there's an awful lot of work needed there, but please seek some RL professional help.