I fucking hate him. What a total bastard

[Workinghardeveryday]

Okay, fuming so apologies for typing.
About 5/6 months ago we were going through a very bad patch. We talked all day one Saturday for 6 hours, got no where. At the end of the conversation he started crying, like really crying. Told me he had a thing for big bums - which I don’t have. In his words, ‘I would want to fuck you every night if you had bum surgery’. Went on to explain in detail how much he likes big bums. I was totally crushed.
I cannot begin to explain what effect this has had on my self esteem. I look after myself, lower end of bmi even after dd15 and twins 10 that I was induced for so very big.
We worked things out eventually, we were loved up for a while, couldn’t keep hands off each other. In all this time though he has never tried to make me feel better, even though he knows I am still devastated about what he said. I do bum work outs 4 times a day, everyday. I cannot bare my bum. Can hardly look at it, everything I wear is to cover it.
He has made out since that night he doesn’t have a thing for big bums, he was confused, we weren’t getting on. Now things are good he realised he likes my bum because he loves me.
Tonight we were watching a film. The girl on it was very attractive, very small none existent bum. I asked him if he thought she was attractive, yes. Fine, she was, no issues. - relieved as she has small bum. I asked if he liked her bum, yes. So I said but she has a small hun I thought you liked big bums, he said he likes big bums as much as small bums.
Evening continued, everything fine but he started being distant. He went in kitchen came back in, asked why I was crying - I wasn’t. Then stormed off back in kitchen.
I am livid. So, he thought I was upset about the bum conversation tonight, so instead of reassuring me in someway gets angry and storms off?!!! Wtf. What a twat.
I called him out on it, he went mad, stormed off again in his car and gone.
I always let him walk all over me, I am sure af I am not going to sit here and say nothing that he thought I was crying and got angry about it!!! Who even does that. So cold.
Wouldn’t care, I wasn’t even crying.

I suppose because I feel very anxious about my future and I feel in limbo. I need to know what is happening, when he is going.
I have looked at houses to rent where we live, there is one that is suitable but not affordable to him. How can he ever afford to go?

If I am going to be strong and move on I just need it to happen now before I crumble

But you can "know what is happening", OP. You have to start making your own decisions, though. You wait for his instruction on seemingly everything, but a partnership isn't like that. He's hurt your self-esteem, and your own body image is really poor; now he's using a typically abusing tactic of giving you the silent treatment, what's stopping you from asking him to leave? I know you keep saying there's history and you keep hoping it'll get better, but it isn't getting better, so what's Plan B? What's stopping you taking charge of your own life and your kids' happiness and telling him you're separating, instead of waiting for him to do it? He's not going to, his life is cushy as hell with you! Are you going to decide on your own autonomy? Or let a man keep calling the shots on this one and only life that you were given to live?

I have looked at houses to rent where we live, there is one that is suitable but not affordable to him. How can he ever afford to go?

So you are actually spending your working day trying to find out if he can afford to rent?

Look, this is not your problem!

You need to see a solicitor before you do anything else.
He may be entitled to something because he has put money into your home (I assume.) If he has helped to pay the mortgage for 11 years, he ought to get something.

It's unclear from your posts if he is a co-owner, and has also paid monthly towards the mortgage.

Get off MN, find a solicitor online in your town and make an appt to discuss it all.

By making it 'real' instead of talking online, you will start to take control of your life.

What he can afford is not your problem although he may try to make it so. You should ideally try to get advice on how things will fall financially if you do split though.

If you are determined that it's over have the conversation that finishes it - in person -and stick with it. The conversation can be as simple as 'this isn't working for me anymore' stress that it's not a snap decision but one made over time that can't be changed, don't get drawn into blame and how to fix things, keep the conversation short.

If you feel you might be talked around by promises of making things right then maybe stall until you are certain. Can you get counselling? It might help you make the decision and stay firm.

I think you need to get advice from your solicitor first. Dont attempt to speak to him. Make a plan. If you work on this then you do know what is going to happen, it puts you in control, and then he cannot accuse you of 'attention seeking'

Do you have any friends or family that you can talk to. Get some emotional support to get you through this. Of course you feel hurt and grief, that's normal. Of course you feel fear of the unknown, that's normal, but if you take control of the practical side of things you will feel a whole lot stronger to deal with the emotional side.

As for affordable housing, he could rent in a house share. Its not your problem. I eventually took the view with my ex that I didn't much care if he slept under the pier. I wasn't responsible for where he found himself. His actions and choices led to it. Like you I gave mine plenty of opportunity to fix the relationship. He didn't fix it, he just thought I'd give up 'attention seeking' and STFU and stay quiet.

We co own the house, I put him on the mortgage about 11/12 years ago.
I have spoken to a solicitor a couple of weeks ago so I do know where I stand.
I really don’t think he will try and save the relationship, he is unhappy too and said last time we ‘made up’ he couldn’t go through it again, if it doesn’t work this time he is moving out

That's good, Workinghard. Good riddance!

He doesn't need to rent a house, a small flat would do surely if only on a temporary basis.

You can do this. Start worrying about you and your DCs and not about him. At the moment you are both concentrating on his needs and feelings, and noone is thinking about yours. So let him worry about him (he has shown he puts himself ahead of you with the vaccine decision amongst other things), and you worry about you. And the best thing for you is to go back to that solicitor and set the wheels in motion. Then you can tell him. Reclaim your strength. Reclaim you.

@Workinghardeveryday - you cannot afford to wait because you need to get a little bit stronger. If you keep on waiting, as you have done far too long already, you will keep on reacting to HIS behaviour and HIS choices.

Once you make a decision, you WILL feel stronger - you will find a strength you never knew you had. As have millions of women before you.

But you need to take the first step. And the next. And the one after that. At each point, your path will become clearer and you will start to take charge of your life.

Remember how to eat an elephant.......... one bite at a time!!

I have spoken to a solicitor a couple of weeks ago so I do know where I stand.

Have you? Really? And what did they say?

If your partner has 11 years of joint equity in your home, then how can he not afford to rent? He works, he has an income. Saying that a man (assume in his 40s) who is employed and wastes his wage on other things now, but cannot afford a room somewhere, is being silly.

It's not your role to research this .

Look again at your subject line for your thread. You say you hate him.

I know the scales have dropped from your eyes and what you hate is the way he treats you, it's not really about your flat bum, but it's still clear he is a prize bastard.

You can either take control of your life today or put it all on hold and keep coming back to a forum asking for advice (but never acting on it) and wasting more of your life with him.

I am acting on it. I have read and listened to every post even the nasty ones. It is laughable really that the man I am sharing my life with would come out with a comment about my bum and be so utterly upset about it. Yesterday and today for the first time I really have strength like the fog has lifted. I never in my life have been so needy. That is not me. I used to be confident until I met him. I realised after reading all the advice the old me isn’t gone, just suppressed because my confidence is totally shot.
I hate him for making me feel this way, like I am worthless. Not just about looks but my personality because I know I am a kind person, more than most people I know.
The equity is tied up on the house so unless we sell makes no difference to him.
Solicitor advised I need to buy him out, have legal document saying he cannot come back for another penny but stay on the mortgage. I would not remortgage without him on it. I am part time and it’s a big house.
I am actually exhausted by him and the ups and downs. My health condition is powered by a few things one of which is stress. I am taking my normal meds and they aren’t working so on steroids which are crap. Probably those which have made me have the strength to go through with all of this.
He actually txt today asking what are we going to do. I wanted to say, ‘well your moving out’ but I just couldn’t. Half of me because I didn’t want him to be upset and other half because I want some magical fairy to wave a wand and make all the shit go away and it be how it used to be

It's great that you are moving forwards emotionally.

I don't really understand what you write about the money.

'I can't remortgage without him on it'.

???

Are you saying that he will be tied to you until the mortgage is paid by you both as you can't afford it on your own?

I'd say you need to re-think all of this. The answer is to move and buy a smaller house and / or up your work to full time.

Loads of women have to do this. Your DD is 15 and your twins are almost sec school age. You can use childcare or whatever is needed to enable you to work more hours.

From what you have said it is unrealistic to expect to stay in a big house when you can only do that with his income.

Half of me because I didn’t want him to be upset and other half because I want some magical fairy to wave a wand and make all the shit go away and it be how it used to be

You are both behaving childishly.
Why would a partner ask what you want to do over the phone?

You have 3 kids together. You need to sit down as adults and discuss your future and how to manage separation.

You are afraid of hurting a man who abuses you?
Really?
Or are you really afraid of his anger and the silent treatment?

There is no magic wand. Only you can control your life.

On a mortgage you need x amount of wages to cover it. My part time wage wouldn’t do that with all other bills. I would then qualify for maintenance from him if he went. On paper I could afford. From mortgage point of view they don’t take this into consideration so wouldn’t allow me to remortgage. You say we are both childish. Honestly I don’t believe I am. I am trying to hold a relationship together with a childish man, maybe I have stooped to his level I don’t know?!
I wanted to discuss over the phone (although I haven’t) as he always says he hates talking about things. Not sure why it matters now really.
I agree, I am afraid of the anger. When we ‘talk’ he always gets angry. Makes it clear he just can’t be bothered with it. Then there’s the silence. That is much worse.
Deep down I know I need to tell him to go. But if I do it has to be today. There is nowhere for him to go.

I don’t want a few days to go by and I loose this confidence and accept him back and all his issues. I just want to be happy snd have a future. Still struggling with the future I built will be without him as much as a looser he is. I know it’s pathetic. Never when I was growing up did I think at my age I would be looking to strangers for help. The reality is I totally appreciate every word and it has made me see the light.

I heard Unpretty by TLC and thought of this thread!
"Never insecure until I met you, now I'm bein' stupid
I used to be so cute to me, just a little bit skinny
Why do I look to all these things to keep you happy?
Maybe get rid of you and then I'll get back to me"

If you can't remortgage does this mean selling your home?

You are right @Workinghardeveryday - the real you is still there, but he's made you suppress her. And you will get the real you back when you get rid of him. Please stay strong. Re read this threar if it helps, and keep coming back for support. And as pp said, stop worrying about how this abusive grown man will cope. He doesn't spend any time worrying about you, in fact he's actively sought to undermine you and wear you down. Do what's right for you, you have no duty to look after him.

@Workinghardeveryday Yes, I know how mortgages work. Mine was paid off some years ago.

So you ought to be looking at selling your current home and downsizing.

That's what many couples do when they split up.

It would be entirely unrealistic to depend on his contributions to keep that roof over your head once he leaves. Yes, he will have to pay for his children till the youngest is 18, but you cannot reply on him to pay the mortgage for years to come.

Surely there are smaller and cheaper houses where you live?

I really hope to come back to this thread and see that you have seen the light and got shot of the looser. You will. I know you will.

We talked again all evening until the early hours. I told him to go. I told him all the things that he has done over the years and how yes we have talked but really they were never resolved. He has explained why he did things but never a heartfelt apology etc.
There was no ‘let’s work this out’. He accepted it and said he would ring estate agents this morning. I don’t know why but that really hurt, the fact he would just let me go. Not worth fighting for. In bed I got upset because I am worried about the future, I couldn’t help it. He just laid there and never said a word.
We didn’t argue we just talked but I did say all these things to him which he would not have liked.
I told him how each individual thing he did ultimately just made me feel unloved. All I ever wanted was to feel loved but still nothing from him apart from ‘well I do love you I always have’. No emotion.
He said he feels numb and when he has moved out could be a couple of days or a month then he will be upset

Well done for talking.

His reaction confirms what we all thought- that he is a bastard and doesn't care about you.

And take note that HE doesn't seem to find looking for a house an issue! Yesterday you were tying yourself in knots worrying over where he would live.

Estate agents- looking to rent? Or sell your home?

Thank you. He is looking to rent. There is no point selling the house, to buy a 4 bedroom here it would end up costing more because I bought this house for much less years ago. Even if I downsized to a smaller house I don’t think I would be better off. Plus I put everything into this house, I don’t want to go!
I can’t shake this feeling of uncertainty and fear. As much as I meant what I said last night I just can’t believe he wouldn’t even try to raise my issues and sort them out. I wasn’t even worth that. Told him that too. Just kept saying he felt numb

@Workinghardeveryday

Thank you. He is looking to rent. There is no point selling the house, to buy a 4 bedroom here it would end up costing more because I bought this house for much less years ago. Even if I downsized to a smaller house I don’t think I would be better off. Plus I put everything into this house, I don’t want to go! I can’t shake this feeling of uncertainty and fear. As much as I meant what I said last night I just can’t believe he wouldn’t even try to raise my issues and sort them out. I wasn’t even worth that. Told him that too. Just kept saying he felt numb

But isn't your 4-bed house worth what other 4-beds are worth in your area- it will have increased in value.

Yesterday you said you couldn't afford to stay there without his income and also he couldn't afford to rent.

What's changed?

I think you should stop dwelling on what he said last night- or rather didn't say- and accept that he doesn't care which was obvious to every poster here on your thread.

I am sure it's a shock and you hoped he would promise to change, but that was fantasy land.

Start looking forward to the better life you can have without this horrible man dragging you down and ruining your mental health.

There was no ‘let’s work this out’
I want some magical fairy to wave a wand and make all the shit go away and it be how it used to be
I can’t shake this feeling of uncertainty and fear. As much as I meant what I said last night I just can’t believe he wouldn’t even try to raise my issues and sort them out. I wasn’t even worth that.

@Workinghardeveryday - you are STILL stuck in that mental loop where you are waiting for him to suddenly become a decent human being!

Still waiting for HIM to love you and somehow make everything alright.

It is NOT going to happen !!!!

Until you accept that, you stand no chance of moving forward and finally starting to forge the life you and your children need and deserve.