I fucking hate him. What a total bastard

[Workinghardeveryday]

Okay, fuming so apologies for typing.
About 5/6 months ago we were going through a very bad patch. We talked all day one Saturday for 6 hours, got no where. At the end of the conversation he started crying, like really crying. Told me he had a thing for big bums - which I don’t have. In his words, ‘I would want to fuck you every night if you had bum surgery’. Went on to explain in detail how much he likes big bums. I was totally crushed.
I cannot begin to explain what effect this has had on my self esteem. I look after myself, lower end of bmi even after dd15 and twins 10 that I was induced for so very big.
We worked things out eventually, we were loved up for a while, couldn’t keep hands off each other. In all this time though he has never tried to make me feel better, even though he knows I am still devastated about what he said. I do bum work outs 4 times a day, everyday. I cannot bare my bum. Can hardly look at it, everything I wear is to cover it.
He has made out since that night he doesn’t have a thing for big bums, he was confused, we weren’t getting on. Now things are good he realised he likes my bum because he loves me.
Tonight we were watching a film. The girl on it was very attractive, very small none existent bum. I asked him if he thought she was attractive, yes. Fine, she was, no issues. - relieved as she has small bum. I asked if he liked her bum, yes. So I said but she has a small hun I thought you liked big bums, he said he likes big bums as much as small bums.
Evening continued, everything fine but he started being distant. He went in kitchen came back in, asked why I was crying - I wasn’t. Then stormed off back in kitchen.
I am livid. So, he thought I was upset about the bum conversation tonight, so instead of reassuring me in someway gets angry and storms off?!!! Wtf. What a twat.
I called him out on it, he went mad, stormed off again in his car and gone.
I always let him walk all over me, I am sure af I am not going to sit here and say nothing that he thought I was crying and got angry about it!!! Who even does that. So cold.
Wouldn’t care, I wasn’t even crying.

Your right I know. It’s just terrifying. We do everything together.

All 4 beds are very expensive and I would be swapping one for another really in regards to the mortgage I think. I don’t want to go, it’s my home and the kids home.

I could afford it with his maintenance which he would have to pay wherever we lived. We worked out his bills and he could afford to go and pay maintenance.

It's clear you are looking at him with your rose tinted glasses on.

He treated you badly. Stop focusing on what you did together. He wasn't a good man.

I think he checked out of your relationship a good time back. He was behaving in a way to try to make YOU dump him as he was too cowardly to do it himself. All the nonsense about your bum- it was his way of telling you he didn't want you but he was too much of a coward to come out and say it.

Once you have accepted it's over, go and find some therapy with a good BACP counsellor and work on your self-esteem.

I see that now, the bum comment probably was a cry for help so I would end things because he was unhappy.

He says he loves me but acts the opposite. I am exhausted from feeling so low about it all waiting for any crumbs he throws my way. I don’t understand why I am still so upset that he isn’t bothered?!

@Workinghardeveryday - please read this book. It will provide some clarity as to why you are stuck in this cycle and will hopefully help you make the decision that you know you need to make:

www.goodreads.com/book/show/239509.Women_Who_Love_Too_Much

It's an old book, and the title is terrible, but it has stood the test of time.

Maybe he should go and fuck himself because he is a bigger arse then anything cosmetic surgery can provide you.

Maintenance for the children is worked out on his salary, not yours. If you can find yourself a full-time job, that and the maintenance might enable you to take on the mortgage, or you could sell up, rent for a bit and find a smaller house for you and the kids. Other people do it, I've done it, its not the end of the world.

Talking again. It’s like having a conversation with a brick wall. I have explained what I need to move on. He has explained he is not prepared to do it.
He is going to the estate agent tomorrow.
My mind is so mixed up. One minute I am totally crushed. The next I hate him and he just irritates me and I see him as an uneducated moron.

Of course you feel bad, it would be strange if you didn't after having a long relationship with him.

You will feel better when he has gone.

@farmhouseloving

I hope you all feel better about yourself for trying to be horrible to others. You wouldn't act like this in front of people you respect so stop being so nasty!

@farmhouseloving, with respect, your posts to her, while they may be well-intentioned are simply normalising the idea of being no more than a decorative pair of breasts or buttocks.

Oh gosh....what @Doublestar said...

He told me he isn’t in love with me anymore but does love me. I am okay for that thanks.
Was so hard to hear.
Today telling me he is in love with me and trying to work through our problems to try again.
I just think he is scared of going but actually deep down that’s what he wants.

Dear @Workinghardeveryday - please, please can you stop paying any heed to what he is SAYING!! They are just words, which he'll change to suit his needs and in order to mess with your head.

He is not scared. He's just useless, abusive, and a total A-hole.

Can you just focus on what is best for you and your children? Hint: it ain't him. He is bad for you. Your life will be stratospherically enhanced with him gone.

You already know this. Now you just need to act and do it. Big Girl's Pants!!!!

Hi, just thought I would update.
I have given a lot of thought to all the advice on here, I have also spoken with my mum at length and our relationship and all the things he has done in the past that I have had to forgive.
I look at him completely differently now. I don’t want to be around him, when I look at him I just feel annoyed that I have allowed him to treat me this way for years, always trying to make him happy and living in a very lonely relationship. The thought of being intimate gives me the ick.
I honestly don’t know if it’s just him and his personality or if he does it purposely. Either way it makes me unhappy and totally messes with my head. Some of the things he said last week while I was so upset and worried about our relationship are just totally messed up and have really opened my eyes. He is either extremely immature or living in a dream and totally believes his thoughts will happen. You would loose any respect for me if I said what he talked about.
I can’t see a future with him, I just need time to get my head around how I feel and be brave enough for him to go and start a new chapter in my life which still does absolutely terrify me.
I am hoping this feeling will just get stronger until I get to the point it isn’t scary anymore and I can move on happily because I just can’t have more heartache

You can do this!!

Thank you! I really really hope so!

Workinghardeveryday, how are you OP? Why have you gone quiet? I understand that really there is not really anything more that anyone here can say, that hasn't already been said lots of times before, but I do hope that you haven't both slipped back into the uncomfortable routine that you had before - until everything erupts again the next time?

By the way, in one of your last posts you said that your partner wouldn't be able to afford a house in your area. I have 2 responses to that:

a) where he lives and what he does after your separation are not your problem.

b) He does not have to rent or buy a house, a bedsit will do him fine. If he wants more than that then he will have to start managing his money better.

Please stop trying to be so nice and accommodating to him OP. The only people who deserve your care and effort, are your DDs and you. Be polite when you have to talk to him, but apart from that you owe him nothing.

All these drama over a bum

@Woolwichgirl It was a really nasty thing to say.

Thank you, I am exhausted from crying tbh. We just keep talking and discussing the split. Every time we talk I feel worse, it’s like he hasn’t liked me never mind love me for years. I really don’t know why that matters to me but it does.
I don’t feel sorry for him anymore regarding his living arrangements, I just feel sorry for myself and the kids. I am stuck trying to get my head around splitting, like in denial and it’s not real. I feel like a 15 year old who has been dumped. Like all the running around I did for years was all in vain. I might as well not bothered

Keep going OP. You are absolutely on the right track, keep at it. There will be pain, and anger, and some very tough times ahead - you have been living in a hideous relationship for many years and that takes time to process. You are setting yourself and your kids free. You can do it

Thank you. I know you’re right but I really thought I would be much stronger than I am.
He is saying I hold him back, an obstacle to him in getting a loan and buying thousands more on xrp. He is hinting he would give it another go if I was fine with it. Told me earlier he wouldn’t change and help around the house more as he does enough!
He has this future all mapped out with xrp, he can’t see he is just gambling. I haven’t said so or he would be angry

'I know you’re right but I really thought I would be much stronger than I am.'

'Strong' doesn't mean emotionless. It doesn't mean that you become a robot. Falling apart and then getting yourself back together is a normal part of being strong. You're not super human. You're doing fine, so go easy on yourself. Make sure you make time to cry, and rage, away from the kids, and offload on an adult friend (and on here). No one is expecting you to be an ice Queen, except for maybe you. You have a lot of healing to do, and part of that is allowing yourself to have emotions

I had never looked at it like that, that does help thank you.
I just feel so hurt he has moved on in his head already, it’s so obvious he really doesn’t care about me, just his future. He will stay with me possibly if I agree to his conditions of not helping with anything to do with the house apart from cleaning up after tea, he can spend whatever money on xrp and I be happy about it, we don’t discuss previous things he has done wrong as already discussed in the past (getting me into debt without me aware, never coming to bed but staying up watching porn, not having the vaccine, telling lies, never making an effort with me, I have to promise never to drink alcohol as he doesn’t)
Written down it sounds absolutely ridiculous that I would consider any of it for anyone never mind him. In reality it’s not like that. He is my best friend, he’s kind, rubs my feet and does clean up after tea, and hoovers downstairs on a Saturday (we Hoover daily)

Yesterday I was so sure and confident of a life without him. When I see his reaction to me asking him to leave I felt like I had been slapped and panicky and just wanted him to look at me like he used to and love me