I fucking hate him. What a total bastard

[Workinghardeveryday]

Okay, fuming so apologies for typing.
About 5/6 months ago we were going through a very bad patch. We talked all day one Saturday for 6 hours, got no where. At the end of the conversation he started crying, like really crying. Told me he had a thing for big bums - which I don’t have. In his words, ‘I would want to fuck you every night if you had bum surgery’. Went on to explain in detail how much he likes big bums. I was totally crushed.
I cannot begin to explain what effect this has had on my self esteem. I look after myself, lower end of bmi even after dd15 and twins 10 that I was induced for so very big.
We worked things out eventually, we were loved up for a while, couldn’t keep hands off each other. In all this time though he has never tried to make me feel better, even though he knows I am still devastated about what he said. I do bum work outs 4 times a day, everyday. I cannot bare my bum. Can hardly look at it, everything I wear is to cover it.
He has made out since that night he doesn’t have a thing for big bums, he was confused, we weren’t getting on. Now things are good he realised he likes my bum because he loves me.
Tonight we were watching a film. The girl on it was very attractive, very small none existent bum. I asked him if he thought she was attractive, yes. Fine, she was, no issues. - relieved as she has small bum. I asked if he liked her bum, yes. So I said but she has a small hun I thought you liked big bums, he said he likes big bums as much as small bums.
Evening continued, everything fine but he started being distant. He went in kitchen came back in, asked why I was crying - I wasn’t. Then stormed off back in kitchen.
I am livid. So, he thought I was upset about the bum conversation tonight, so instead of reassuring me in someway gets angry and storms off?!!! Wtf. What a twat.
I called him out on it, he went mad, stormed off again in his car and gone.
I always let him walk all over me, I am sure af I am not going to sit here and say nothing that he thought I was crying and got angry about it!!! Who even does that. So cold.
Wouldn’t care, I wasn’t even crying.

I do now!!

He sounds quite horrible. Thank goodness you are not married and the house is yours.

Why are you scared of being alone, especially at night, op? When I was young I was scared of things that go bump in the night, burglars etc, but that disappeared when I had a child.

I would have thought it preferable to be on your own than live with someone so disrespectful.

It isn't your problem that he can't afford to rent a place; he probably can afford to rent a studio somewhere.

You deserve better.

I wonder if I am in the wrong? Did I overreact to him getting annoyed because he thought I was crying? I don’t actually know. I thought it was really cold, maybe he was right?

Up to that point I could use my looks to win him back and I realised those days were gone.

Said he knew he was a horrible person and so shallow but it is the way he feels, all whilst sobbing and looking to be to make him feel better!!! He just isn’t the same with me anymore which leaves me feeling insecure. We are always falling out and making up. We are both unhappy. I just want him to look at me like he used to and know he loves me.

When confronted he said his money is to do whatever he wants with, none of my business. Kept it from me because he knew I wouldn’t be happy!

Any one of the above would be a 🚩with regard to a healthy relationship, but your posts are a football pitch covered with 🚩🚩🚩. The problems are much more complex than the size of your backside.

You can gather up what's left of yourself and build the rest of your life or you can stay and be miserable. Neither of you are giving your children very good role models on how to be adults - it's 2021, no woman should be "using her looks to get him back" - and whatever he wants or needs he has to sort out himself.

Speak to your solicitor before you tell him to GTF; if you're thinking of staying then think about what the next 30 or 40 years will look like.

Good luck to OP. Personally, I think that OP has gone quiet now because he is speaking to her again and said sorry (he knows that he has more to lose than app by walking) and by now they have kissed and made up. But, what do I know?

This is embarrassing to read to be honest.
As a mum you are teaching your daughter to seek validation and approval and a sense of self worth fron a man, when it should be coming from you.
I don't even have a man, yet l know and l feel sexy, feminine and secure n myself regardless.
We have a huge problem in this country concerning low self esteem in our young women.
Is it any fucking wonder.?

Approve yourself.

I think 6 hours spent talking to a man about a relationship is enough to bring anyone to tears. If it’s done it’s done, we all like different things,

Tell him you already have a huge arse and hand him a mirror.

Too many things in these updates don't add up.

If you want him to leave then tell him to go.

It's incredibly passive for you to wait for him to decide if he'll give you the silent treatment or tell you he's leaving. Why aren't you confronting him about it?

No making up. Everything normal around kids but other than that total silence.
I don’t understand what doesn’t add up?
I bought the house before we met. After a couple of years he was put on the mortgage but I have a deed of trust.
I haven’t tried to talk to him because I think it’s a waste of time really. What can he say really that would make it all ok? Nothing.

He could say he is leaving, that would go a long way to making it all OK.

I do not understand why you are scared of being alone at night. You have your children, in time you may even meet someone else.

You cannot go on living with someone who is so disrespectful.

Why did you post about the bum issue?

He squanders money while you save and support the family, refuses to have the vaccine when you have been medically advised that people around you should have it, threatens to leave if you argue with him.

I mean there’s so many more pressing problems in this relationship that the bum issue is really the tip of the iceberg. Please work on your self respect, and look at why you feel the need to even be with this man.

The reason to focus on the bum thing is that the OP's self esteem is non-existent, and she can't face the thought of being alone. any man no matter how inadequate, no matter how heavy a burden for her to carry, is better than none.

Up to that point I could use my looks to win him back and I realised those days were gone.

Said he knew he was a horrible person and so shallow but it is the way he feels, all whilst sobbing and looking to be to make him feel better!!! He just isn’t the same with me anymore which leaves me feeling insecure. We are always falling out and making up. We are both unhappy. I just want him to look at me like he used to and know he loves me .

You have a big, fat 'Kick Me' sign plastered to your backside.

You need to work really, really hard on coping with uncertainty, with not having your life settled on a surface level. It hasn't been settled in any real sense of the word for a long time, but you were willing to accept the idea that he fancied you as a substitute for a real relationship.

Now that illusion has been shattered. You need to start reframing your idea of yourself and of him, and stop measuring your worth by how this scummy man feels about your can.

Sit down and make a long list of things you feel proud of about yourself, things you love about yourself. I am talking about your character, your personality, and your spirit here. Not your bum or your boobs or your naturally curly hair, or whatever.

Do you think there’s a chance he’s cheating? His behaviour is really odd. My ex cried like a baby over the state of our relationship when he started seeing someone else. The tears were his own self pity and frustration about how he was going to leave me. I only found out later on when we finally broke up, he made it all about me but actually he was just a cheating scumbag.

I haven’t tried to talk to him because I think it’s a waste of time really. What can he say really that would make it all ok? Nothing

You have answered your own question.

How about changing your thinking on this from 'How can I make it work' to 'It won't work because he clearly doesn't care for me, so I need to end this.'

I keep coming back to the no-vaccine when you are vulnerable and have stopped mixing to protect yourself. The talk about your bum is a minor issue compared to the pure selfishness he shows around not being vaccinated to protect you.

How can you possibly live with that kind of behaviour?

Today is the day to start taking control of your life.
You own a home, have a good job. You can survive without this man making life miserable.

Go online, choose a family solicitor, make an appt and discuss your finances.

Once you know where you stand, it's time to tell this man to leave.

And stop believing that your kids aren't aware of all of this.
They are 15 year old girls. Of course they pick up what's happening and it's a very sad lesson you are giving them, being emotionally abused.

@mathanxiety

Up to that point I could use my looks to win him back and I realised those days were gone.

Said he knew he was a horrible person and so shallow but it is the way he feels, all whilst sobbing and looking to be to make him feel better!!! He just isn’t the same with me anymore which leaves me feeling insecure. We are always falling out and making up. We are both unhappy. I just want him to look at me like he used to and know he loves me .

You have a big, fat 'Kick Me' sign plastered to your backside.

You need to work really, really hard on coping with uncertainty, with not having your life settled on a surface level. It hasn't been settled in any real sense of the word for a long time, but you were willing to accept the idea that he fancied you as a substitute for a real relationship.

Now that illusion has been shattered. You need to start reframing your idea of yourself and of him, and stop measuring your worth by how this scummy man feels about your can.

Sit down and make a long list of things you feel proud of about yourself, things you love about yourself. I am talking about your character, your personality, and your spirit here. Not your bum or your boobs or your naturally curly hair, or whatever.

Great advice, please take heed op.

Hi @Workinghardeveryday this must be so hard for you, but I hope that seeing so everything written out - what you've said and how others have responded - helps you to see that this man does not deserve you. He doesn't even appear to like you very much.

He won't get vaccinated - I judge anyone who refuses to be vaccinated, but someone whose consultant has told them they are extremely high risk? It's like he's doing it to show you how little he cares, and how much more important he is than you.

He thinks his money is his own, but is happy to sponge off you.

You do all the housework and childcare - he's showing you he sees you as the skivvy / servant whose job it is to make his lazy arse life easier.

After a 6 hour conversation about your relationship (and that shouldn't be ignored, you were having a conversation that day because there was something very wrong already) he starts crying that your bottom isn't perfect and you should have surgery? That reeks of someone trying to stop the conversation about the relationship because he was bored, by intentionally upsetting you and putting you on the back foot.

And it worked, didn't it - you stopped talking about his bad behaviour / why you were unhappy in the r'ship and started obsessing about your bottom. Job done. He's intentionally made you self concious and made you think that, if only your arse was better, he's be the perfect parter. Do you see how mad that is? He loved your bottom before so how can that have changed? It hadn't. He just chose something for you to obsess about and deflect from his many faults.

I suspect he was angry the other night because he thought you were crying (which to him means you're insecure how he intended) and when you said you weren't crying and you were actually quite strong, that made him angry. He prefers you needy and insecure, as then you spend all your time trying to please him and not questionning his faults.

Please please please tell him it's over. Your life will be so much better and easier. You do all the work now, so it would just be one less person to clean up after and look after. You would be good financially. You would be able to rebuild your self-confidence, which he has intentionally torn down to keep you in your place. You could be very happily single, living a calm and stress free life with your lovely DC. You might well meet someone new, someone who is loving, adoring, supportive, hard-working, shares the burden, makes you feel loved every day. Imagine that.

This man you are with is no catch. Not by any definition. There are many, many better than him.

Please don't be tempted to say sorry to him, as this situation is entirely on his shoulders. He has created it. He has done you many many more wrongs than you have done him. And he doesn't even care. He's torn down your self esteem, used you as a handy house servant and font of money, and made you feel as though you should in some way be grateful to him.

He doesn't respect you. And he never will while you don't respect yourself. You deserve so much better.

One last thing (sorry I've gone on, but I'm so angry on your behalf) - please be wary of him throwing himself at you with 'I love you' 'we should get married' when he sees you pulling away. He won't want to lose control over you or the cushy life you give him. So he will declare undying love and you will be so tempted to believe him. But words are so easy to say - you need to look at how he's treated you, and ask why would he suddenly remember how important you are only when you're leaving?

Please don't believe any such declarations and stay strong. I'm worried he'll suggest get married as that would drag you back in and also mean he can divorce you and get 50% of everything you've worked for. Don't marry him under any circumstances!

I am terrified of being alone. It’s the nights I am scared off

@Workinghardeveryday - is it not time YOU take charge of your life? Surely you know he is never going to love you and care for you in the way you want and deserve?

What exactly is this waste of space of a man adding to your life - apart from anxiety and endless frustration? He wastes money, doesn't do his share of housework and bringing up his children etc. He puts you at risk by not getting himself vaccinated. He gives you the silent treatment and is happy to stand by as you tie yourself in knots over all the things that are wrong in the relationship. And he DELIBERATELY torpedoes your self-esteem with the whole bum issue.

Do you want this to be your life? Do you really want your daughters to continue growing up amongst this shit-show of a homelife? Why are you waiting for HIM to make a decision whether to end it or not? Don't you think you'll be relieved once he is gone from your life and you can focus on things that matter to YOU?

@LittleMowf

I wouldn’t do bum exercises 4 times a day for anyone. I don’t understand how someone can be so bothered about the appearance of a certain part of your body, that they’d cry over it? That would give me the ick.

I agree, it's totally objectifying. This loser needs kicking to the curb.

[quote Workinghardeveryday]@farmhouseloving thank you for understanding

Why doesn’t anyone get it? If every time you had sex you knew your dp would prefer you to look another way how can that not make you feel horrible? If every time you walk down the street or from one room to another and you know a part of your body bothered your partner enough for you to have surgery how do you get past that? Seriously tell me how?[/quote]
I agree that this is not going to feel good for you. Personally I'd be out of there the moment he started making me feel bad about myself and watching porn.

Thank you for your posts. It really has helped me see him from the outside and not how I have been, always thinking we will work it out. I don’t see how we can given all the history.
I just need to get a little bit stronger. I have never felt so definite about separating, always hoping things will improve and be how they used to be. I see now that isn’t going to happen.
I want to ring him and talk about how we are going to separate but at the same time I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of me again chasing even if it isn’t positive. He will probably think I am saying it for attention.
I don’t want to spend another night in silence

@Workinghardeveryday

Thank you for your posts. It really has helped me see him from the outside and not how I have been, always thinking we will work it out. I don’t see how we can given all the history. I just need to get a little bit stronger. I have never felt so definite about separating, always hoping things will improve and be how they used to be. I see now that isn’t going to happen. I want to ring him and talk about how we are going to separate but at the same time I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of me again chasing even if it isn’t positive. He will probably think I am saying it for attention. I don’t want to spend another night in silence

why on earth would you ring him?

Are you afraid of face to face discussions?

You can't end a relationship this long with a phone call.

Maybe you should also contact Women's Aid- you are being abused emotionally and need support perhaps to start the conversation with him. I hope you can see this.