I fucking hate him. What a total bastard

[Workinghardeveryday]

Okay, fuming so apologies for typing.
About 5/6 months ago we were going through a very bad patch. We talked all day one Saturday for 6 hours, got no where. At the end of the conversation he started crying, like really crying. Told me he had a thing for big bums - which I don’t have. In his words, ‘I would want to fuck you every night if you had bum surgery’. Went on to explain in detail how much he likes big bums. I was totally crushed.
I cannot begin to explain what effect this has had on my self esteem. I look after myself, lower end of bmi even after dd15 and twins 10 that I was induced for so very big.
We worked things out eventually, we were loved up for a while, couldn’t keep hands off each other. In all this time though he has never tried to make me feel better, even though he knows I am still devastated about what he said. I do bum work outs 4 times a day, everyday. I cannot bare my bum. Can hardly look at it, everything I wear is to cover it.
He has made out since that night he doesn’t have a thing for big bums, he was confused, we weren’t getting on. Now things are good he realised he likes my bum because he loves me.
Tonight we were watching a film. The girl on it was very attractive, very small none existent bum. I asked him if he thought she was attractive, yes. Fine, she was, no issues. - relieved as she has small bum. I asked if he liked her bum, yes. So I said but she has a small hun I thought you liked big bums, he said he likes big bums as much as small bums.
Evening continued, everything fine but he started being distant. He went in kitchen came back in, asked why I was crying - I wasn’t. Then stormed off back in kitchen.
I am livid. So, he thought I was upset about the bum conversation tonight, so instead of reassuring me in someway gets angry and storms off?!!! Wtf. What a twat.
I called him out on it, he went mad, stormed off again in his car and gone.
I always let him walk all over me, I am sure af I am not going to sit here and say nothing that he thought I was crying and got angry about it!!! Who even does that. So cold.
Wouldn’t care, I wasn’t even crying.

@Workinghardeveryday

Okay, fuming so apologies for typing. About 5/6 months ago we were going through a very bad patch. We talked all day one Saturday for 6 hours, got no where. At the end of the conversation he started crying, like really crying. Told me he had a thing for big bums - which I don’t have. In his words, ‘I would want to fuck you every night if you had bum surgery’. Went on to explain in detail how much he likes big bums. I was totally crushed. I cannot begin to explain what effect this has had on my self esteem. I look after myself, lower end of bmi even after dd15 and twins 10 that I was induced for so very big. We worked things out eventually, we were loved up for a while, couldn’t keep hands off each other. In all this time though he has never tried to make me feel better, even though he knows I am still devastated about what he said. I do bum work outs 4 times a day, everyday. I cannot bare my bum. Can hardly look at it, everything I wear is to cover it. He has made out since that night he doesn’t have a thing for big bums, he was confused, we weren’t getting on. Now things are good he realised he likes my bum because he loves me. Tonight we were watching a film. The girl on it was very attractive, very small none existent bum. I asked him if he thought she was attractive, yes. Fine, she was, no issues. - relieved as she has small bum. I asked if he liked her bum, yes. So I said but she has a small hun I thought you liked big bums, he said he likes big bums as much as small bums. Evening continued, everything fine but he started being distant. He went in kitchen came back in, asked why I was crying - I wasn’t. Then stormed off back in kitchen. I am livid. So, he thought I was upset about the bum conversation tonight, so instead of reassuring me in someway gets angry and storms off?!!! Wtf. What a twat. I called him out on it, he went mad, stormed off again in his car and gone. I always let him walk all over me, I am sure af I am not going to sit here and say nothing that he thought I was crying and got angry about it!!! Who even does that. So cold. Wouldn’t care, I wasn’t even crying.

Oh for the love of God please leave this man. He's a complete moron.

This is so ridiculous I can't even...

After 14 pages of butt to butt posts ranging in advice bottoming out to the basic fact that you are crazy to allow his hairy backside within a whisker of yours op. Tell him to take his lazy arse out of your life, and then you and your tiny bottom can live happily ever after. The end.

Jeez

Read between the lines here OP;the bum thing is BS;you should read the script;the chances are he's shagging or at least sniffing around another woman here.

The biggest arse in your house is your bloke;honestly stop hurting yourself emotionally here;he needs to go;you deserve better.

OP could it be that you enjoy seeing yourself as a martyr ? I was listening to a scientific talk about covert narcissists and one of the things they enjoy doing is listing up all the ways they allegedly suffer at the hands of others. I mean we are 14 pages into your story. You havent even shown sn inkling that you are willing to listen to or even implement any of the advice other posters have given you. You seem to be relishing the attention all his alleged bad behaviour is getting you.
For an adult woman, this whole thing is just sad.

@Workinghardeveryday

Your misunderstanding, I thought it would make me feel better! I looked at this pretty woman with awesome body and she has tiny arse, I wanted him to fancy her because her arse was similar to mine. I was okay about what he said even though I was surprised he said he likes big bums too as he keeps saying he doesn’t now. Then he thought I was crying and lost his temper. The whole argument now is because of his reaction not what he thought of her arse

And then when he reassured you he likes small bums, you stirred further and said:

So I said but she has a small hun I thought you liked big bums, he said he likes big bums as much as small bums

Which is a very civil answer, he likes both but now it seems that wasn’t good enough for you. It really does seem like you were looking for drama.

You also haven’t answered the question - what was discussed in that 6 hour conversation that ended in him breaking down? Can’t help but wonder if a big part of that conversation was you grilling him on whether he still finds you attractive.

I have listened!! I really have and like I already said I agree with everything everyone has said. All day I have been getting my head around being a single mum ultimately because I have listened. I am terrified of being alone. It’s the nights I am scared off.
He will be home anytime now.Either silent treatment still or he is going. I am dreading him saying he is going but feel much more prepared and stronger because of this thread. For the first time I feel confident

@Sampafie

OP could it be that you enjoy seeing yourself as a martyr ? I was listening to a scientific talk about covert narcissists and one of the things they enjoy doing is listing up all the ways they allegedly suffer at the hands of others. I mean we are 14 pages into your story. You havent even shown sn inkling that you are willing to listen to or even implement any of the advice other posters have given you. You seem to be relishing the attention all his alleged bad behaviour is getting you. For an adult woman, this whole thing is just sad.

I actually agree with this completely.

Was the six hour relationship discussion due to his porn use and not wanting sex? Is the porn watching a deal breaker? is that why you say the two of you were trying to save the relationship?

Did he give any explanation for why he was staying up watching porn? Or is it that he just got hooked on watching big bums in porn when previously he had no preference for big bums? or at least had never realised or mentioned this preference? To what extent did you push him to say "if you had a fat arse I'd fuck you" How do you know he was watching porn? did you see his history?

I cant really comment constructively without knowing the above.

But your self esteem is on the floor. Where was it before all this?

@herethereandeverywhere

Is the problem that he cannot lie? 🤔

Too bloody funny! Can't believe no one else has commented!

He's an arse and you're needy, you have obsessed over a comment, you now hate yourself and you're trying to change to please him. Not a healthy relationship.

You should have said I like big penises.. see how he feels

People can be mean, comments like this can hurt in a relationship and affect our self esteem. Be positive and have faith and self love.

The 6 hour conversation was about our relationship in general. We weren’t getting on at all, arguing, him being very distant.
No mention of porn, this way a couple of years ago approx he was staying up watching. I had no idea then it all came out.
Up until then he had no preference at all for big bums. Kept it to himself and then that fat it all came out.I had no idea about big bum preference. It was a huge shock

Try not to think about it too much, we all like different things , doesn’t mean to say we will act on it however I think from your perspective this is very hurtful and making you possibly feel insecure further

This is not about bums. This man treats you like shit. You do all the housework and childcare to keep him happy, while working?? Is this 1952?

He's a lazy, negging idiot and I'd end the relationship. He's not making you feel good, he's not benefiting your life at all. What use is he?!

He won't even get the vaccine, making you less safe. He's entirely selfish.

I call Billy Bullshit

No man cries like a baby and goes distant because of the size of their partners backside . He may have been pulling away for some other reason and when cornered came up with that crap excuse. I would be looking at his other behaviour around that time.

From your updates he sounds awful, I hope you find the strength and self esteem to see him for the shit he is and start detaching so you can get to a place where you can see how much happier you could be without him.

Your whole relationship sounds like a joke. I hope your kids don’t get too messed up in the middle of it all.

I’m not quite sure why you posted this or what you wanted anyone to say but you sound as petty as he is. Leave him or stay. But don’t be an askhole about it.
He probably won’t be back home ‘any time now’ as he’s probably out there fucking Becky with the big ass. Sorry not sorry.

Is he used to you crying a lot? Is it something you use to get his attention? Did you ask him if he would fuck you every night if you had bum implants to which he agreed or did he just blurt it out? Who brought up the subject first?

Just trying to understand, did he say he watched the porn because he liked big bums?

Best case scenario, he likes bums, he liked yours. Still likes yours. But in the course of watching porn got hooked on a particular 'aesthetic' ......because guess what, in recent years fashion for "thin thick" (tiny waist, big legs and bum) has been following the porn aesthetic of ultra feminine look which almost cartoon, plastic and implausible . Also I think if anyone did a study into how porn is filmed looking at stuff like camera work, you'll probably find there is now a more obvious trend for camera angles focusing on arses. I cant be bothered to hypothesise why. Its probably pretty obvious.

The thing is, men who watch porn have their preferences shaped by it. He may well have just blurted out what he did because he was on some level as unhappy with the situation as you.

Plus, its perfectly possible for two statements to be correct even when they seem to contradict.

"I like big bums" and
"I like small bums"
simply means "i like bums"

The problem only occurs if he said "I don't like....."

Maybe he just blurted it out because he was confused, ashamed, concerned he was obsessed, realised he was ruining his relationship.

The other factor I think with people's sexuality, and preferences is that so much of it is always hidden to other people, sometimes even to the person themselves. So its quite likely that most of us have fantasies we ourselves are slightly ashamed of, or fear the other person might shame us for. An example of this is fetishes, another example would be men choosing a relationship with a slim attractive blonde woman of similar age, whilst simultaneously having a porn preference for older brunettes who are obese.

If I were you I'd not let his "preference" dictate my happiness. The best way to pick up your self esteem is to tell him in no uncertain terms "this is me, small bum, I'm not exercising or changing, like it or lump it" my guess is he will lump it because his porn preferences are not his actual active conscious preferences.

As for the rest, money etc,...maybe you need to get some advice and do some thinking.

I don’t know why he started watching the porn. We always went to bed together then he started startup. I found out a long time after he was looking at porn. After that he has never been the same. Our sex life was good but very vanilla. The porn he was looking at was absolutely not vanilla! It’s like I have no part of that side of him even though I said I would try things and showed interest. Almost like he doesn’t want to think of me like that.
I was right. Silent treatment for now. Great.

Half of me desperately wants him to say sorry or at least show he cares. The other half which feels stronger sees him as pathetic and just wants him to go so I can move on with my life and start to make a different future without him in it

@Nivealove

Is he gay?

You realise men who like women's arses aren't gay, yes?

Op, I am sorry you have such low self-esteem. You are more than just a body part and you need to stop fixating on this. Is your DH’s body perfect? I doubt it. Try to think about all the good things about you, both personality wise and physically. There really is so much more to people than one body part. Love yourself, op.

It’s the nights I am scared off.

Of? It'll be really relaxing OP, no having to go to bed with someone who's given you the silent treatment all evening, or who makes you feel insecure.

He sounds horrible based on your updates OP. Selfish and immature. You're not happy with him, this isn't what love looks like and it's making you anxious and sad. You've given this a good go and tried to make it work from your side but it might be time to call it a day. If you were my mate that's what I would be saying, for sure. It's not about the bum comments per se and people know that, just some are keen to make a joke before considering it making someone real feel even shitter.

Stepupandbecounted - (sorry, don't know how to bold a username)

I saw you say 'happily ever after', you do realise After is German for anus.