DP thinks if it doesn’t bother him it doesn’t bother me

[wetsummersundays]

I work term time. DP has been wfh since the start of the pandemic, so March 2020. His office has been open for a while but he’s elicited to keep wfh. That’s fine.

But it is restricting my life quite a bit especially with regard to social visits. Tried to raise this with him and he just says it doesn’t bother him, it’s not a problem, to carry on as if he wasn’t around.

But to be honest it’s really bothering me now and I am at the absolute limit of him being here constantly. I’m not suggesting he goes back five days a week but I would like a few days respite before work starts.

How can I raise this in a way that doesn’t have him just saying it’s no problem, he doesn’t mind my friends being here?

‘but it doesn’t bother me. Carry on!’

"Not everything is about what does or doesn't bother you! It bothers me and it bothers X and Y. Do I not get to have a say at all?"

BTW I am sure you have already said this but I am irritated by his breathtaking selfishness - or at best obiviousness. I think it's selfishness though.

Made even worse by the fact that he IS going into work AFTER you start term - just to give you an extra kick up the pants - and this person is supposed to love you, be your partner!

Can you not start doing lots of annoying things and when he objects just say that it doesn't bother you?

Last time I checked I do work FT.

I don’t feel like that about the summer, tbh. It’s simply that this has dragged on for so long now I am fed up with it. But it’s his house.

I just need to accept this is how my life is. It can be hard though.

If a woman posted that they've been told to go back to the office and get out the house so the fella could have some mates round while he's not working, there would, rightly, be uproar.
I presume you both pay into the house? He's not been cocklodging there for years?
I also presume there are cafes or parks or eating places around that you could meet your pals at? Whilst he, ya know, earns money to go on the kitty.
If he was meeting his own mates and monopolising the house that way, completely different matter. But he's working.
Like I say, if this was a role reverse and a bloke telling a woman to go back to the office so he could have his mates round, you would hear the outrage from here

With kindness OP , the relationship clearly has a number of underlying issues. It does sound to me as if your DH has some issues that he needs to address. If he won't you cannot make him nor should you keep asking battling away for change that he will not affect to help you. It may be time for you to separate and get your own home. You can either make change now for yourself and your DC or indeed , stay as you are and we will all be back here posting again.

@wetsummersundays

It isn’t exactly a compromise then is it *@NoSquirrels*

I honestly don’t know why you keep saying I won’t compromise.

He never leaves the house. I have explained I wouldn’t ask him to leave at weekends anyway but in any case it would be pointless. Friends are busy then and that’s ‘our’ time as a family. Bleeugghh but yes.

The compromise you’re speaking of is basically that I remain as I am, lonely and frustrated. And so I am. As I’ve said I still feel it. Being repeatedly told I won’t compromise does not change that.

I have kept quiet about numerous small things so as not to hurt DP. I’m not a vindictive person trying to hurt him.

But it does seem I need to let my friendships go, just have this life where I work and come back, and never get a minutes peace and that feels a bit odd.

You won’t ask him to leave at weekends - despite seeing him all week and wanting a break.

You don’t need to remain ‘sad and lonely’ - that’s ridiculous. You can meet and see people. Either in the house you live in with your DP there, or somewhere else where he’s not. You don’t have to let your friendships go, never get a minute’s peace etc. That’s catastrophic thinking.

I know you feel it. As I have repeatedly said, that’s OK. I would feel it too.

But I would advocate for myself or change my situation not say ‘well, if I can’t have this I’m doomed’.

The issue is not your desire for time to socialise without your partner in your house.

Your issue is more fundamental it seems to me.

But I can see I’m not helping so I won’t comment again. I really do hope you can navigate a way to a better place where your communication with your partner about your needs is more effective.

You’re absolutely not wrong, it would drive me insane, I need my alone time for my sanity.
Can you just say how you feel? Surely he would understand

@burritofan

I think the whole point of a compromise is you meet in the middle, which this is, and he won’t, so I am stuck with it. Actually, I disagree with this. I think a compromise is you find a third option that both parties are happy with, rather than their individual opening gambits. You’re not happy with him WFH FT. He’s not happy going back to the office. Your suggestion of him going in 1-2 days a week for the next three weeks isn't actually the compromise, it’s your opening gambit, but he’s not happy with it. Him saying “have friends over anyway!” is not his compromise, it’s his opening gambit. So there needs to be a compromise between these gambits, rather than between the original issue, if that makes sense.

I’m still interested in how things would be if you worked FT rather than term-time, so had less investment in the idea of the summer as “your” time to have the house to yourself.

Burrito explains better than I did why you aren’t compromising, even if you think you are.

I’d print off a calendar sheet for the next month, take it and a red pen to his office and say with a big smile and a firm tone:

‘Right, for our relationship to keep going well I’m going to need you to circle x days you won’t be in this house between x and x time. Then organise it. I promise you, this needs to be done. No discussion, just do it. Please put the calendar sheet in x, by x time so I can start planning my time too. Thanks. See you for tea at x o’clock.’

Not everything has to be a sit-down pow-wow with everyone’s input carefully calibrated. In long-term relationships you get to State your Needs, in the comfort of knowing that you often compromise for them too.

If that calendar sheet, plus a sheepish apology, wasn’t forthcoming that same day? There would be Words. Or possibly No Words, over an extended period. Depending on your personality type. WFH life would suddenly become FAR less pleasant.

There is ‘uproar’ or at least plenty of people keen to stick the boot in.

But I am not sure it’s accurate. I think it fails to take into account nuances and context.

There are a number of ways of looking at this. One is to paint me as the bad guy, peevishly insisting my partner leaves the home he diligently works from and pays for so I can catch up with my friends.

Another way is to paint me as victim, depressed and lonely and unable to properly reach out to people because of an oppressive man who refuses to give me any space in my home.

Or there is between the two. I don’t want or expect him to go in every day. However the fact is he does not behave considerately a lot of the time. These are small examples, but they add up, and I am frustrated and fed up with him at the moment. It doesn’t make him a bad person or me a bad person but I think we’d both benefit from space. However since he evidently doesn’t agree I shall just have to put up with it. I reserve the right to be miserable about it though

I am putting up with it no squirrels. Tbh I am really fucking sick of you taking over the thread telling me what a rigid uncompromising person I am when I have bent over backwards to try to make this work.

Right now I am getting piss wet through because I can’t stop the baby shouting so have come out so he can work in peace.

If I didn’t he’d just keep popping in to see ‘what the matter was.’

So yeah. I get fed up. Sue me.

@MadameMonk

I’d print off a calendar sheet for the next month, take it and a red pen to his office and say with a big smile and a firm tone:

‘Right, for our relationship to keep going well I’m going to need you to circle x days you won’t be in this house between x and x time. Then organise it. I promise you, this needs to be done. No discussion, just do it. Please put the calendar sheet in x, by x time so I can start planning my time too. Thanks. See you for tea at x o’clock.’

Not everything has to be a sit-down pow-wow with everyone’s input carefully calibrated. In long-term relationships you get to State your Needs, in the comfort of knowing that you often compromise for them too.

If that calendar sheet, plus a sheepish apology, wasn’t forthcoming that same day? There would be Words. Or possibly No Words, over an extended period. Depending on your personality type. WFH life would suddenly become FAR less pleasant.

Imagine if your husband did that to you.

If any partner dared treat me like that in my own home there certainly would be Words - from me to him. And what in the name of fuck should I be apologising for?

You can just leave him. He won't help you out when you are feeling trapped and miserable. So what's the point?

If we didn’t have a child possibly but we do so not really fair on them. We shall see.

I do sympathise op. The world is exhausting and hard at the moment. We are all feeling weary and put upon and resentful. If you feel you are compromising when your partner isn't then those feelings of resentment are going to increase. That does not change the reality of your situation. You cannot magically transform your rather insensitive partner. You cannot control what he does or says. You can communicate clearly what you want and what you will do if you don't get it. But only you know if that will be effective.

If you want to have a moan and have everyone say aw that sounds shitty sorry x Then fine, but if your DH is the issue then our sympathy/ suggestions are of limited use. We don't have solutions that don't involve compromise. You seem very clear that :

1. you need your partner out of the house when your friends are visiting.
2. your partner is happy for your friends to visit when he is working from home.

So someone has to compromise.

Can your partner take leave? If he is home but not working would that make things better or worse? If he is off work and goes to the pictures/ park/ whatever fun activity he enjoys alone / with his own friends would that be enough. One day or 2 in the next couple of weeks?

What can you accept?

It isn’t just about friends visiting but it’s something tangible.

I would like to have a bath or shower in peace. I’d like to nap when the baby does. I’d like to watch a bit of Netflix.

Now I know people will jump on me because he’s hard at work and I want to do these things but it is hard tbh. I have to be Mary poppins round the clock and I don’t have the energy!

"If we didn’t have a child possibly but we do so not really fair on them. We shall see".

It is not fair for a child to live in a house with 2 unhappy parents. It's not fair for a child to be taken out in the rain as mum needs to get away from Dad as he is doing her head in. You have said that additional family space will not help and you have said you will not separate. You are prepared to just carry on. I find that very sad. I am twice divorced, no way would i live like this. My DC's have an excellent relationship with their Dad and see him all the time. He is a good Dad. I have my own home and i am happy. Only you can make your situation better Op. Only you can change your life around.

He doesn’t complain about me being round all the time for the simple reason I’m not.

If I was - would he complain? Probably not but I’d have some heavy hints, he’d be in and out whenever the baby made a noise.

And rightly so tbh. If the main caregiver of my child never left the house I’d be a bit but what I don’t like is the pressure to be out all the time otherwise I’m being sort of silently observed. I find it quite stressful. I’m sure this is me not him but as I’ve explained in the thread my feelings are valid and I can’t just stop feeling them.

Why can't you book a week away near your friends and enjoy sone peace and quiet and catching up?

You just need a break really.

If it's as you have no money as he won't give you any, that's another problem.

He isn’t my spouse.

Yes, it was edgy and uncomfortable, not so much because he was around but because he was working.

As much as someone might insist that noise doesn’t bother them I think most decent people instinctively try to be considerable and keep noise down in those sorts of situations and this has a knock on effect on what you talk about, on how much noise you make. Plus a couple of friends are breastfeeding, he walked through, it’s daft, I am the biggest advocate of breastfeeding you can find and I think women should feed wherever but I do think they felt awkward and I understood. I felt the same when I was trying to breastfeed. No problems doing it in front of half of the supermarket but dying with embarrassment when DPs dad was there. Daft I know but feelings are feelings (this is a theme isn’t it )

That would cost hundreds of pounds and would involve his child being away from him for a week. It isn’t feasible.

I totally get where you're coming from OP. I cannot stand my DH working from home and it's really affected our relationship over the pandemic.
We're extremely fortunate - he has a separate workspace, we don't have small children, I've taken a job outside the home - but it's still untenable for me. Fortunately, he also hates it and will be returning to the office at least part time as soon as he can.
I think it's the fact that we're in the same space but not sharing it if that makes sense. We're fine if we're together 24/7 on holiday because we're actually together. We have nothing to talk about in the evenings and weekends because we're constantly present in each other's lives during the week. And I agree with you that weekends generally are family time for us and many of our friends so not so easy to arrange 'me' time.
Ultimately, the boundaries between home and workspace have been blurred. Yes it's your DP's house as much as yours, but it's a home for both of you. There isn't really an answer if he doesn't get that.
You have my sympathy.