DP thinks if it doesn’t bother him it doesn’t bother me

[wetsummersundays]

I work term time. DP has been wfh since the start of the pandemic, so March 2020. His office has been open for a while but he’s elicited to keep wfh. That’s fine.

But it is restricting my life quite a bit especially with regard to social visits. Tried to raise this with him and he just says it doesn’t bother him, it’s not a problem, to carry on as if he wasn’t around.

But to be honest it’s really bothering me now and I am at the absolute limit of him being here constantly. I’m not suggesting he goes back five days a week but I would like a few days respite before work starts.

How can I raise this in a way that doesn’t have him just saying it’s no problem, he doesn’t mind my friends being here?

It is relationships. I am posting about an aspect of my relationship I am struggling with. Why do people have a problem with that?

To pick up on this.
It’s not that people have an issue with the aspect of your relationship you’re struggling with (communication, respect) but that it’s unclear how you think the advice could help you because you seem sure he won’t understand but it’s necessary for him to understand. It’s not - it’s necessary for him to respect your feelings. If he doesn’t respect your feelings that’s a different sort of advice on your relationship than if he’s fundamentally a good guy, which you say he is.

In terms of communication you haven’t answered anyone who has asked what happens when you insist it bothers you. What does he say to that?

In addition - if what you want is something that could be solved better with compromise, but neither of you will compromise, then that’s a different relationship issue too.

From your POV, you feel you have adapted, changed and compromised on lots (baby, moved house away from friends, he’s WFH in a pandemic & maternity leave and the set-up is not ideal for you) but you feel his life is unchanged. You have made this issue of inviting friends over to a house he’s not in to be a sort of touchstone for everything you feel YOU have sacrificed/compromised/changed but from his POV he doesn’t see that you have given up so much - he just sees he’s working from home, sometimes chatting to his partner and checking in on baby during breaks in his working day, and what’s the issue.

You need to deal with your underlying resentment about how life has changed/the house not feeling like yours.

But you need to communicate THAT clearly not focus on sending him to an office with a chunky commute so you can have friends over for coffee.

One sounds reasonable and like there are many solutions to equalising your ongoing relationship. The other sounds a bit petulant and ‘because I want you out’, which is hard to get anyone to understand.

You’ve said this a few times now @NoSquirrels and I honestly can’t see where I haven’t compromised. I’m not asking for him to go back five days a week but a couple of days a week for the next three seems like the very definition of a compromise.

I do get if you have the sort of direct relationship it might seem hard to understand but I just get nowhere if I try to broach these things with DP. He said something to me yesterday which was harmless really but made me realise that he hadn’t actually taken on board something that was very upsetting for me. So he just doesn’t take it in, I don’t think.

You have repeatedly said he doesn’t understand ? Has it occurred to you that he does understand but he is simply digging his heels in ? Obviously we don’t know your DH but you say he has lovely qualities so why would he persist in not doing something that would make your life happier ?

People saying YABU / it’s his house - I know. It isn’t about whether I’m wrong or right. I still feel as I do.

Well in a way it is about who's being unreasonable because that affects how you can resolve the issue.

He's not being unreasonable to WFH now he has that option.

He would be unreasonable to take up too much of the house or insist that you don't have friends round and don't make noise. But it sounds like he's doing the opposite of this.

You are being unreasonable to insist that he gets out of his own house when he neither needs or wants to, simply because you have a bee in your bonnet about socialising when he's even under the same roof.

I WFH and if DP told me he needed me out of the house so he could have his mates round it would be a hard no from me.

So your options are to work on your own feelings about socialising with him in the house. By "work on" I mean "get over". You can do this by simply arranging to have friends over as normal - I suspect you'd be surprised that despite all your feelings this actually turns out fine.

Or you can mutually and in a spirit of respect arrange that each of you get some alone time in the house, taking care not to frame it as "you need to get out of your own house". Does he not socialise out of the house himself? Do exercise or hobbies out of the house?

I WFH and if DP told me he needed me out of the house so he could have his mates round it would be a hard no from me

Sure but if that made him unhappy, isolated and frustrated they would still be his feelings.

I mean, you could plough on regardless but it doesn’t actually stop you feeling as you do.

He sounds like a real pain and it would certainly do my head in. I think though that you are going to have to start reclaiming the house a little by doing the visits regardless. Tell him that you are having friends over and he won't be able to use the lounge on X day. Warn him it will be noisy and he would be better off at the office that day. Put on music and food for your friends and then ignore. He may start to remove himself as I can't think of anything worse than hanging around someone else's noisy social gathering. I think he has become used to having the space and needs to realise it isn't just his.

You’ve said this a few times now @NoSquirrels and I honestly can’t see where I haven’t compromised. I’m not asking for him to go back five days a week but a couple of days a week for the next three seems like the very definition of a compromise.

He works from home. You are asking him not to work from home for a temporary period that entirely suits you.

If you want him to permanently change his working pattern so he’s in the office 2-3 days a week instead, that’s different to my mind than saying ‘please disrupt your working pattern for 2-3 weeks temporarily’.

Sometimes it’s much harder to do it on an infrequent short-term ad hoc basis than it is to readjust your hours and pattern permanently.

I’ve no idea if that’s true for your DP as you haven’t said anything about his sort of work, what his office and colleagues are like, what their policies are, if he has to hot desk or take equipment back and forth etc. You also mention in passing he’s a bit anxious about Covid?

Where is your compromise?

@wetsummersundays

But I see you are still refusing to tell us exactly what your husband has said when you have asked him to sod off out for the day.

Comments like this baffle me especially when I am the one accused of a ‘fight club.’

The whole point of the thread is that when I have raised it he has refused, saying that it doesn’t matter if my friends get loud / I walk into his office 100000 times a day to go to the kitchen / someone is breastfeeding.

I have already apologised for any offence caused but I do think you are taking it where none is meant. To rent an air bnb would be costly and involve overnight stays. I’m honestly not sure why saying this has caused such a snappy answer twice.

Oh for goodness sake. The question was what does he say AFTER he has said it doesn’t matter to him and you have responded “but it matters to me”?

It is entirely up to him as and when he goes in but I am strongly disputing that I am not the one willing to compromise here.

He isn’t anxious about Covid. I don’t know where you’ve seen that. He’s double jabbed anyway.

You can feel as you feel.

But you have to communicate.

If you think he doesn’t understand your feelings that’s OK - he doesn’t have to understand them. You insisting he needs to is a sticking point.

What he needs to do is clearly hear from you your feelings, and then respect them (and you) by working to address them. But the ‘compromise’ has to be mutually agreed. You can’t enforce a compromise. It might not end up looking like the thing you want the most. That’s the thing about compromising - no one is 100% happy!

"@wetsummersundays So there is a worry about his own health in fact but that’s probably one for another day".

This does alter things slightly op. Are you saying that your DH has underlying health conditions? If he were to work elsewhere for a day, to give you the house to yourself, where would he go? Is he effectively having to shield?

You need to look at this now as a longer term /permanent issue if your DH is to be working from home indefinitely . If your home is just too small to accommodate a more separated independent space for him to work you will have to address that by either moving, a small extension, a garden office or utilise the loft space.

I appreciate fully your need for some time to yourself and to have your friends over. But, if your DH has no where physically, off site and away from the house that he can go , i do not see what else you can do apart from put in place plans to make more space where you are now or move to a property that has an extra space that can be used as his office. It appears that your DH working from home will be a permanent fixture now so you need to sit down together and make a plan to extend, create a space in the garden or move. Explain that the house now feels too claustrophobic for you and you are all on top of each other. This issue is not going to resolve if you stay as you are. You will have the same issues every sch holidays or when you want to entertain your friends. You have all outgrown your current living space, your circumstances have changed , your DH still needs to work and you now need to adapt your living space accordingly. Some kind of small garden office would probably suit you better as it gives that little bit of separation from the main house and DH would have his own self contained work space.

I think the whole point of a compromise is you meet in the middle, which this is, and he won’t, so I am stuck with it.

I reserve the right to be depressed about it though.

No. The worry about his health is because he never leaves the house, he has gained a lot of weight and his world has become very small. But that is for another day.

@wetsummersundays

He isn’t anxious about Covid. I don’t know where you’ve seen that. He’s double jabbed anyway.

I ‘got it’ from this post of yours:

It’s very rare. I mean, perhaps twice a week to the supermarket. So there is a worry about his own health in fact but that’s probably one for another day.

Explained above. I’m worried about his health. He isn’t. Neither of us are worried about covid.

I totally understand. I love dh & love spending time with him BUT time on my own is very important to me as well.
He works shifts & is often at home in the day. He would happily just sit in the corner of the living room & be on his phone even if I had friends round. It genuinely didn't bother him. But it DID bother me so now we compromise. If I'm having friends round he goes to the gym or out somewhere. It's completely reasonable & I'd do the same for him. It has literally nothing to do with your feelings for your partner! Its just wanting time to relax & have that time with your friends without having to consider your partner.
I did have to spell it out to him but it works well now.

My partner may not understand why I want something that doesn't bother him but he'd try and find a solution.

Maybe he can't work in the office right now but he could take a day or half day and go off and do something when you have friends over. Cinema or gym or golf or see a friend. Go to that dental check up or get hair cut.

If he refuses to do that as even a one off, that's an issue.

@wetsummersundays

I think the whole point of a compromise is you meet in the middle, which this is, and he won’t, so I am stuck with it.

I reserve the right to be depressed about it though.

The whole point of a compromise is that you meet in the middle, yes.

But him working from home is not the thing you’re trying to compromise on, is it? You are happy for him to WFH.

The thing you’re trying to compromise on is time for you alone in the house to socialise with your friends. There are other ways to achieve this (weekends, etc)

What you are actually saying is you won’t accept any other form of ‘compromise’ than him going to the office 2-3 days a week for 2-3 weeks temporarily.

I don’t know. You seem to not see other points of view on this. You’ve become entrenched in this need for this particular thing and it seems to me you’re ignoring the underlying issues.

You’re finding communication with your DP a struggle. Communication on this thread also seems to be a struggle. You’re not hearing some of the stuff people are saying either, or that’s how it seems.

I do hope you and your DP can resolve it for the future.

@wetsummersundays

I WFH and if DP told me he needed me out of the house so he could have his mates round it would be a hard no from me

Sure but if that made him unhappy, isolated and frustrated they would still be his feelings.

I mean, you could plough on regardless but it doesn’t actually stop you feeling as you do.

Well we all have to work on our feelings as adults, don't we. Especially if they involve making unreasonable demands on other people.

I would feel quite hurt, and as though there were deeper issues in the relationship, if I was told my presence under the same roof - not even the same room - made my DP feel unhappy, isolated and frustrated.

I do get where you're coming from in terms of wanting time alone. I went through something similar when DP was unexpectedly WFH with me last year. But I got over my minor annoyance and it turned out to work fairly smoothly.

It isn’t exactly a compromise then is it @NoSquirrels

I honestly don’t know why you keep saying I won’t compromise.

He never leaves the house. I have explained I wouldn’t ask him to leave at weekends anyway but in any case it would be pointless. Friends are busy then and that’s ‘our’ time as a family. Bleeugghh but yes.

The compromise you’re speaking of is basically that I remain as I am, lonely and frustrated. And so I am. As I’ve said I still feel it. Being repeatedly told I won’t compromise does not change that.

I have kept quiet about numerous small things so as not to hurt DP. I’m not a vindictive person trying to hurt him.

But it does seem I need to let my friendships go, just have this life where I work and come back, and never get a minutes peace and that feels a bit odd.

Op, following your update the only feasible long term option now is to create /acquire an additional self contained space.

Otherwise you will be having this battle with your DH every time you want some peace or your friends around. If his world has now become "very small " there are clearly some issues there with that and his mental health. I do not think sadly, talking to him and asking him to go out is going to achieve what you want if he is feeling this way as he basically does want to leave the house. This is currently his driver , what he is comfortable with, not your need. He needs to see his Gp to address this as it is starting to affect your relationship. Moving forward, you are clearly on top of each other and that needs to be addressed by more space as it is not sustainable for you all as a family now.

There is absolutely no battle.

I don’t get what I want. It really is that simple. Building an office doesn’t mean he’d work or stay in it so that is largely pointless. I suspect we will be in exactly this position in twelve months. And I’ll probably still be grumbling about it

I think the whole point of a compromise is you meet in the middle, which this is, and he won’t, so I am stuck with it.
Actually, I disagree with this. I think a compromise is you find a third option that both parties are happy with, rather than their individual opening gambits. You’re not happy with him WFH FT. He’s not happy going back to the office. Your suggestion of him going in 1-2 days a week for the next three weeks isn't actually the compromise, it’s your opening gambit, but he’s not happy with it. Him saying “have friends over anyway!” is not his compromise, it’s his opening gambit. So there needs to be a compromise between these gambits, rather than between the original issue, if that makes sense.

I’m still interested in how things would be if you worked FT rather than term-time, so had less investment in the idea of the summer as “your” time to have the house to yourself.

I don’t think there are any MH problems. To be blunt he’s become lazy. But it’s interesting how the narrative changes.