DP thinks if it doesn’t bother him it doesn’t bother me

[wetsummersundays]

I work term time. DP has been wfh since the start of the pandemic, so March 2020. His office has been open for a while but he’s elicited to keep wfh. That’s fine.

But it is restricting my life quite a bit especially with regard to social visits. Tried to raise this with him and he just says it doesn’t bother him, it’s not a problem, to carry on as if he wasn’t around.

But to be honest it’s really bothering me now and I am at the absolute limit of him being here constantly. I’m not suggesting he goes back five days a week but I would like a few days respite before work starts.

How can I raise this in a way that doesn’t have him just saying it’s no problem, he doesn’t mind my friends being here?

Thank you for such a kind post which really articulates the issues.

I’m saying he wouldn’t understand why his presence means I don’t have free enjoyment of the house.

What do you want me to say @Heliachi?

I ask, he says no. Or says no without actually saying no.

Is there something else I should add?

@wetsummersundays

What do you want me to say *@Heliachi*?

I ask, he says no. Or says no without actually saying no.

Is there something else I should add?

I think what people are frustrated with is that you don't seem willing to articulate your feelings to him. You ask him to leave for a bit, he says no because he isn't bothered by noise and interruption. Then that seems to be the end of the conversation.

The bit you need to add is saying that you need some space for your own mental health. That you aren't asking him to go to work out of awkwardness or out of consideration for him but that you need some time alone. That most people do and you are not able to get that at present. That not having it is causing you to feel miserable.

You have said you are conflict avoidant which seems to mean you can't say any of this without upsetting him but unless you take that risk then there isn't a way it is going to change.

And if after saying all that he just sits there like a lemon and still refuses to leave then you have bigger issues.

I have tried and I’m sorry if it frustrates people.

If it frustrates you perhaps think how much more frustrating it is for me

I have for example asked countless times for him to slow down when driving. He says he will and doesn’t. So all you can do is keep asking but it does rather become pointless and you end up feeling like the dreaded nag so there comes a point you have to stop, or wait until it actually crosses a line.

Op, reading between the lines, are you saying the family home is his home, you are not married and you feel you are not in a financial position to leave?

Also, going away with your child for a week is totally feasible. Why can he not be away from his child for a week while you visit grandparents? Lots of families do this. Some fathers are away themselves for work on occasion. My boys went away for week with their Dad to Cornwall at the end of July. Totally feasible and doable. I am away for a week with my DC's the last week of August , Dad has given them some spending money and told me to enjoy as i am back at work in Sept. Lots of children are away with one parent and from the other on occasion. It is fine, normal and feasible. Is your partner telling you you cannot go away for a week with your shared child?

No.

I’m not saying it between the lines at all, I’ve been upfront about the situation. However I have no particular desire to leave, given we have a child.

I do work FT.

I’d advise reading this book:

ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

He tells you want you want to hear to shut you up and then does as he wants. You probably think he doesn’t realize how annoying he’s being or that he doesn’t see how frustrating it is that he will return to the office when you do, but he knows exactly what he’s doing and he knows exactly how much he is upsetting you.

My last thought, then I’m out because I don’t think I’m helping you: you think you’ve been very clear in this thread and not said anything between the lines. But from my POV and I suspect other people’s, it’s actually very vague, guarded and filled with tiny incomplete drip feeds – DIY while you sleep; the fact it’s financially his house; him coming through because of baby noise – and I’m getting the sense of a huge iceberg of information you’re skirting round.

I don’t know whether that iceberg is actually there! But certainly I think if your communication here is similar to real life, that’s part of the issue. For instance, “last I checked I work FT” without addressing that I was clearly talking about term-time-only working. And I just wonder if there’s something major you’re trying not to tell us, which won’t help our advice, or if you’re unable to communicate with your DP for whatever reason.

Anyway, as I said, I’ll bow out. I wish you luck.

Do you not have any friends who lived closer than 2 hours away? How come so many of your close friends do live far away- did you move to be with your partner?

Op I would stop leaving the house when your child is being noisy/ difficult. Invite lots of friends with children around for a weekly play date. I work term time only, and my dh can't wfh anyway, but if he did it would annoy me! I like to chill on my time off, have friends around with their children etc. Tbh my dh runs out the door/ goes upstairs and plays games with headphones on when my friends rack up with their kids!

I totally get this and don't understand why you're getting such a hard time. I laughed (well, ruefully chuckled) at your comment about him popping in and asking if everything was alright because ten minutes ago the baby was crying and the 5yo was playing noisily and wfh DH shouted up the stairs "everything alright up there?" and goodness me, did I bristle. It's partly about feeling monitored, partly about feeling like you should (and as a nice, considerate person, actually want to) consider the other person's needs but it would still be a lot more relaxing not to need to...

(I replied "brilliant, obviously, having a whale of a time, do feel free to join us". And yet he didn't choose to come up? Baffling )

If it helps, the only way I can think of getting a good change here is by saying something like "I know you don't get it. It really upsets me that you won't do this for me, even though you don't get it. I do lots of things for you - eg going out in the rain to give you space to work - please can you just do this for me, because it really upsets me that you won't" A very clear starting of needs does sometimes work for us when we're at a stalemate and the normal sense of getting where each other's at has gone awry

But it's hard negotiating round each other constantly, I don't know why so many people are pretending it's super easy if you just like each other. If it were, 9/10ths of relationship issues wouldn't ever occur!

I’m certainly not intending to drip feed. I realise that’s frustrating but there is a balance between drip feeding, which might be me not including something highly salient and letting the thread be bogged down in needless detail and back stories.

It is more about my feelings than anything else.

Can you genuinely start behaving like he is not there? And tell him you are going to carry on as if he was at the office and that you are going to ignore him because "he is working". Stop tip toeing around. Whack up the music & vacuum. Let your dc watch kids tv at whatever volume. Waltz in and out the kitchen to do whatever. Don't take child out in the rain. If he comes in "I thought you were working?" - every time. No, nothing is wrong. This is what children do.

Go for a nap, watch Netflix etc. Literally ignore him when he is supposed to be working. Again if he follows you & asks what you are doing. "I thought you are supposed to be working? I told you I am making the most of my time before I go back to work.
Don't be nasty or aggressive. Be firm & matter of fact.

This will help you change your mindset. It will make you feel stronger.
It doesn't solve the meeting friends issue, but it may make him think. If you make it a more normal home environment rather than a quiet artificial office environment it will become less appealing for him to work in. He has the luxury of choice when it comes to where to work. He is not sharing that luxury with you.

I hear you @SohoOrigami

"However I have no particular desire to leave, given we have a child".

With kindness Op you will need to find some coping mechanisms for yourself. We have all given you our thoughts ,suggestions and experiences. If you want stay and none of what we have suggested can practically help you then you have to accept you are where you are. If you are not willing to change it and your DP is not responding to you , you have to then accept it. Creating threads to enable you to vent is not a coping mechanism and will not be enough to sustain you through the choices you are making. I work term time now and full time when my DC were young. I had my own home, i was fine and my Dc were fine. If you are simply afraid of going it alone you do not need to be. Personally, i find it sad that you are choosing the life you have as opposed to a better one for you and your DC. Your situation will remain unchanged so you will have to find peace with it somehow for your own sanity.

I recognise that. I still feel I have the right to talk about my feelings.

He really doesn’t understand at all, and it’s hard to make people understand. And if he won’t then there’s not a lot he can do.

But he doesn't need to understand it or even agree with it - he just needs to act on it because you're finding it difficult. Sometimes we just do stuff for partners to make them happy.

but he won’t

I would like to have a bath or shower in peace. I’d like to nap when the baby does. I’d like to watch a bit of Netflix.

Now I know people will jump on me because he’s hard at work and I want to do these things but it is hard tbh. I have to be Mary poppins round the clock and I don’t have the energy!

OK, so this is about more than you not feeling relaxed when your friends come to visit. You’re saying that you feel his presence at home stops you from showering, sleeping or watching Netflix when you want? And you feel that you have to be a performance parent at all times?

And then you seem to anticipate that people on here will criticise you for wanting to do these things because he is working? What makes you think that? I’m sure that every SAHP would be 100% behind you wanting to do those things as long as your child was safe and fed, so what you are really doing is projecting on to others what you think your husband will say.

Why do you feel guilty about doing what you please during your leave from work? Where has “I need to be Mary Poppins” come from? (And by the way even MP had a day off, it’s mentioned in the film!). Has your DP actually said that he disapproves of such things? Re something as basic as a bath or shower, when you have a baby, many WFH Dads would probably be able to find half an hour or so on their schedules to take the baby and let you do that.

@wetsummersundays

but he won’t

Even when you say to him, "I am stressed out by you being here all the time. It is making me feel miserable and anxious and sad about the end of my maternity leave. It is making me resent you and I don't want to resent you. I am asking you please to go to the office for a few days so I get my last chance to recuperate before I go back to work. If you don't do this I will be frustrated and angry with you and sad that you won't do a small thing for me that is essential for my mental health and for our relationship. This isn't about you and whether you are bothered by my noise or not, it is about me and what I am bothered by".

Even if you were that clear he would just ignore you?

@wetsummersundays

but he won’t

Which makes him a pretty poor partner.