DP thinks if it doesn’t bother him it doesn’t bother me

[wetsummersundays]

I work term time. DP has been wfh since the start of the pandemic, so March 2020. His office has been open for a while but he’s elicited to keep wfh. That’s fine.

But it is restricting my life quite a bit especially with regard to social visits. Tried to raise this with him and he just says it doesn’t bother him, it’s not a problem, to carry on as if he wasn’t around.

But to be honest it’s really bothering me now and I am at the absolute limit of him being here constantly. I’m not suggesting he goes back five days a week but I would like a few days respite before work starts.

How can I raise this in a way that doesn’t have him just saying it’s no problem, he doesn’t mind my friends being here?

To be honest, when I got to the stage that I knew there was no point raising issues with my husband, that was the death knell of the relationship.

I understand what you are saying OP. I have asked my husband to give me some space but he just doesn't go anywhere.

I work FT out of the house. I have people talking to me all day at work. Then I go home and he is talking to me. Even when he is cleaning up or ironing or whatever he is singing loudly (with his earbuds in). To get away from him I go to see friends but obviously that also involves conversation.

I just never get any peace or time alone. It is slowly and surely making me extremely unhappy.

But I also realise that only I can do something. If I want time alone then I need to leave the marriage, because he will not give me time alone. I have asked him and asked him to give me some space. He will not. Or he agrees and then does not. I can only control me and what I do. Being honest, I don't really want to end my marriage but if he will not see what this is doing to our relationship, or does not care, then what else can I do?

Everyone has a different threshold of the privacy, and some people find the constant presence of people ( even their partners!) a bit too much. I am one of them. I truly enjoy being alone and do things in solitude so I totally understand you OP.

Even though you don't think he will listen or change, you need to keep communicating this with your dp otherwise the resentment will build up and blow over. Also I believe if your partner really cares about you, he will listen and try to accommodate. If he doesn't, I will say his action speaks louder than his words.

I WFH and if DP told me he needed me out of the house so he could have his mates round it would be a hard no from me.

Yep, same.
Lots of people can't return to the office yet. BIL hates working at home but there's no prospect of him being allowed to return soon (local council).

*I’d print off a calendar sheet for the next month, take it and a red pen to his office and say with a big smile and a firm tone:

‘Right, for our relationship to keep going well I’m going to need you to circle x days you won’t be in this house between x and x time. Then organise it. I promise you, this needs to be done. No discussion, just do it. Please put the calendar sheet in x, by x time so I can start planning my time too. Thanks. See you for tea at x o’clock.’

Not everything has to be a sit-down pow-wow with everyone’s input carefully calibrated. In long-term relationships you get to State your Needs, in the comfort of knowing that you often compromise for them too.

If that calendar sheet, plus a sheepish apology, wasn’t forthcoming that same day? There would be Words. Or possibly No Words, over an extended period. Depending on your personality type. WFH life would suddenly become FAR less pleasant.*

Wow, fucking hell. If someone did this to me you wouldn't see me for dust. What a nightmare!

"I recognise that. I still feel I have the right to talk about my feelings".

Of course you do and i hope you have rl support too. The only thing i would say OP is that, eventually people will stop listening to you when they see you are not doing anything practical to change your situation. People will be a listening ear up to a point. That is human nature. I wish you well Op and hope you find the coping strategies you need.

I understand OP.

I think your options after telling him how you feel if he still won't go to the office for the next couple of weeks:

1. Leave
2. Stay. It's going to be a very long 60 + years though without your own space.

I understand where you're coming from OP because that set up would drive me crazy! Especially as you have a baby and he comes in whenever the baby is noisy! Fuck off to the office then where you can work without being disturbed!
Whilst he doesn't have a problem with you having friends round, YOU DO and all he needs to do is meet you in the middle and actually consider your feelings in all of this and not just his own. Bloody one or two days in the office a week is not going to kill him.

@wetsummersundays

It isn’t just about friends visiting but it’s something tangible.

I would like to have a bath or shower in peace. I’d like to nap when the baby does. I’d like to watch a bit of Netflix.

Now I know people will jump on me because he’s hard at work and I want to do these things but it is hard tbh. I have to be Mary poppins round the clock and I don’t have the energy!

But you can do all these things! Him being in his office doesn’t mean you can’t have a bath or watch TV in a different room!

@wetsummersundays

I do work FT.

You said you work term time only in your very first sentence…

You said you work term time only in your very first sentence…
A teacher works FT and term time only. That isn't a discrepancy.

(I am aware teachers work over the holidays doing various amounts of work and I am not ignoring this, but it would I think be fair to say that FT and term time only can be the same thing)

I totally get you.
Me and DP are always in the house as he works from home and I'm a SAHM, thankfully we get on well but I feel like I can't have people over. Not because he says no, he's very friendly, but because it doesn't feel like my space. He probably feels the same.

@DappledThings

You said you work term time only in your very first sentence… A teacher works FT and term time only. That isn't a discrepancy.

(I am aware teachers work over the holidays doing various amounts of work and I am not ignoring this, but it would I think be fair to say that FT and term time only can be the same thing)

Only on MN

@VeraDonovan I recognise a lot of what you say.

If this thread is an example of how the OP communicates in RL then I'm not surprised that she's getting nowhere.

She's been very vague, contradictory, prickly and if I was her DH I'd have given up trying to make sense of what she was trying to say.

She seems to want him to bugger off without actually trying very hard to tell him.

When I get comments that are unpleasant, prickly and unsupportive then yes I respond like that.

If you want pleasant, supportive conversations with someone, talk to them pleasantly and supportively.

Don’t insult me and be surprised if I come back.

@wetsummersundays

When I get comments that are unpleasant, prickly and unsupportive then yes I respond like that.

If you want pleasant, supportive conversations with someone, talk to them pleasantly and supportively.

Don’t insult me and be surprised if I come back.

But nobody has really been like that.

It makes sense though, that you perceive being asked questions to get you to elaborate on things as being attacked and thus is why you don't feel you can talk to your DH about things honestly if you feel that being vague and hiding how you really feel is the only way to communicate politely.

I really feel for you op - I would absolutely hate being in the same situation.

You are coming across as being very passive, though. You are not continuing the conversation after he says "but I don't mind your friends being here!" This is when you need to be prepared to have an argument. Don't tiptoe off, feeling sad and worrying about losing your friends. Argue back! Get cross! Tell him he is being selfish! Explain in great detail how the situation is affecting your mental health... it will be uncomfortable and difficult, especially if you tend to be the one who usually compromises/avoids arguments, but it really is necessary because otherwise you are going to end up feeling smaller and smaller in the relationship.

I know. I've been here and eventually ended the marriage because it had just become untenable for me.

I can be passive without really wanting or intending to. I recognise the good DP does and so don’t want to ‘nag’ him but I also find him frustrating sometimes. It’s the balance I suppose.

@wetsummersundays

I can be passive without really wanting or intending to. I recognise the good DP does and so don’t want to ‘nag’ him but I also find him frustrating sometimes. It’s the balance I suppose.

But you are so far off balance at the moment that you feel his presence stops you showering or watching TV. Surely that needs a very frank conversation?

It doesn’t stop me showering or watching TV. But it means I can do neither undisturbed. Which is frustrating.

He disturbs your showers? How?

It makes sense though, that you perceive being asked questions to get you to elaborate on things as being attacked and thus is why you don't feel you can talk to your DH about things honestly if you feel that being vague and hiding how you really feel is the only way to communicate politely.

I think this is really insightful.

I get you Op. Covid has a lot to answer for.
Your house is your home and not an office but unfortunately things have altered over the last 18 months.
I am working half at home and half in the office. My DD has moved back home during the pandemic due to working from home full time and her relationship breaking down. My husband is working permanent night shifts at the moment so is always at home in the day (although sleeping half the time). DD2 is living away but comes home at the weekends.
Everyone was away for 1 day and night last week, except me - it was bliss! It is hard when you never get any space anymore.

@wetsummersundays

It doesn’t stop me showering or watching TV. But it means I can do neither undisturbed. Which is frustrating.

How does he disturb your showers or baths if he is working in his office?

Teachers work full time during term time, absolutely!

I don’t think I do see it as being attacked though.

There is a big difference between ‘ ‘do you not feel you could ask if he could go to the office?’ and ‘So when you ask him to go to the office what does he say?’

The latter (especially when accompanied with type faces) can come across impatiently and brusquely and I won’t lie, I dislike that style of posting. It makes me feel as if I am a naughty child being rebuked. And this is why I’m trying to be clear it’s about how I feel. I feel as I do.

DP is good and kind and well meaning but personal space … doesn’t get it. Try to shave your legs over the bath arse in the air? Does he think I might need privacy? Nope And it frustrates me. I will concede I could be clearer but I did grow up in a house where any request for privacy was met with harrumphs and rolling eyes so I feel prudish when I ask for it now.