Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I make ex pay uni costs?

227 replies

tiredofthisshit21 · 07/08/2021 13:40

Wasn't sure where to post this. Looooong back story. Divorced 10+ years, ex is an abusive and controlling twat. DD18 is no contact with him. She's due to go to uni in Sept and due to my salary only qualifies for minimum maintenance loan. I have said I will give her x amount per month and that her dad needs to do the same. I've contacted him about it as she doesn't want to deal with him. Asked him just to set up a direct debit for the same amount as me. (He can more than afford it). He is ignoring messages and I'm worried that he won't contribute. I can't really afford to double what I'm paying. My question is, does he legally have to contribute?

My husband (DD's stepdad) has said he will help if need be so that we don't have to deal with ex. But I don't think he should be let off the hook like that. He hasn't paid maintenance in the last 2 years either.

OP posts:
AllTheSingleLadiess · 07/08/2021 13:42

He doesn't have to contribute - sorry.

Many dads will offer to give their kids some of the maintenance that they used to pay the mum but this is voluntary

37TTCLeeds · 07/08/2021 13:42

No requirement to pay unfortunately.

millymollymoomoo · 07/08/2021 13:44

No legal requirement to unless ordered as part of divorce settlement

Howshouldibehave · 07/08/2021 13:44

No, he doesn’t have to pay. If she isn’t speaking to him and has no contact, it sounds unlikely he will.

The most sensible idea is for her to get a job whilst she is there.

girlmom21 · 07/08/2021 13:45

She's an adult and chooses to be no contact with him but expects him to fund half her lifestyle?

Come on, OP....

Original poster
tiredofthisshit21 · 07/08/2021 13:45

Dammit. I'm so angry that yet again he gets away with contributing nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredofthisshit21 · 07/08/2021 13:47

@girlmom21

She's an adult and chooses to be no contact with him but expects him to fund half her lifestyle?

Come on, OP....

There's a reason for it - he's a controlling twat who damaged her mental health to such an extent that she had to have therapy. She hasn't just decided not to speak to him for the hell of it.
OP posts:
ActonSquirrel · 07/08/2021 13:47

@girlmom21

She's an adult and chooses to be no contact with him but expects him to fund half her lifestyle?

Come on, OP....

I was thinking that.
HermioneGrunger · 07/08/2021 13:47

As irritating as it is the biological parent doesn't have to pay a penny, the step parents earnings are what are used along with your salary to decide on the maintenance loan and top up as needed.

NotMaryWhitehouse · 07/08/2021 13:48

@girlmom21

She's an adult and chooses to be no contact with him but expects him to fund half her lifestyle?

Come on, OP....

He's her FATHER. Come on, @girlmom21
ActonSquirrel · 07/08/2021 13:48

@tiredofthisshit21

Dammit. I'm so angry that yet again he gets away with contributing nothing.
She's an adult though. He doesn't have to pay for her anymore and neither do you.
Howshouldibehave · 07/08/2021 13:48

I have said I will give her x amount per month and that her dad needs to do the same

It was quite an assumption for you to think that a man that hasn’t paid anything for two years and one that your daughter no longer even speaks to, would suddenly start to pay a monthly amount you’ve decided he should be giving.

Most of DS’s friends at university have got jobs-she is better off doing that.

DinosaurDiana · 07/08/2021 13:49

No.
Is she getting a job while at Uni ?

AllTheSingleLadiess · 07/08/2021 13:50

My dc1 is NC with his Dad and works to make the shortfall. I know that this isn't possible with some subjects but my kids are used to having a part-time job during sixth form and saving a good whack of it so it's not been a shock to them.

Original poster
tiredofthisshit21 · 07/08/2021 13:51

He's always said he would pay but he started to make it conditional on her doing a course he approved of. Like I said, controlling. If she speaks to him she'll end up back in therapy. He constantly acts disappointed in her if she doesn't live up to his expectations. He really is a dispicable human being.

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredofthisshit21 · 07/08/2021 13:52

@DinosaurDiana

No. Is she getting a job while at Uni ?
Yes. But I don't want her to have to work so many hours that it'll impact on her coursework.
OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 07/08/2021 13:52

She can take him to court and get an order for him to pu maintenance whislt she’s studying.

It’s actually a thing.

And she does not have to speak to him or have anything to do with him.

As his child he has a financial responsibility towards her whilst she’s studying.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 07/08/2021 13:53

Why hasn't he paid for 2 years? I know hindsight is 2020 but if you'd pursued maintenance then you could have saved it to go towards uni costs now. Sorry I know that's not much help now.

Speak to the uni finance team - there may hr bursaries DD could apply for, but it sounds like most students, she'll have to work during her studies.

NailsNeedDoing · 07/08/2021 13:54

Your dd’s maintenance loan is calculated based on your household income, so if you have declared what your husband is earning, then he is expected to contribute. Her real father isn’t expected to contribute at all, only the earning adults she lives with. Wrong, but it is what it is. This is why I can’t live with my partner while my dc are still at uni.

Original poster
tiredofthisshit21 · 07/08/2021 13:54

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Why hasn't he paid for 2 years? I know hindsight is 2020 but if you'd pursued maintenance then you could have saved it to go towards uni costs now. Sorry I know that's not much help now.

Speak to the uni finance team - there may hr bursaries DD could apply for, but it sounds like most students, she'll have to work during her studies.

It's a long and complicated story. We thought he was paying school fees so I forfeited maintenance. Turns out he'd used her inheritance from her grandparents to pay said fees without her knowledge.
OP posts:
Blueskythinking123 · 07/08/2021 13:56

My DD has worked full time since she finished her A levels to help support herself financially at uni. It's not glamorous work (house keeping), but it pays fairly well and she can return when back home in the holidays.

Your DD would of been aware what she was going to receive from student finance. They have had an extended summer break this year. Plenty of time to get some funds behind them.

I'm a single parent and her dad will not be contributing to her uni costs. She has contact with her dad, but knows financially he will not contribute due to being in debt himself. She has taken responsibility to plan and save. My DS is going into his third year at uni, he has also worked and saved.

AllTheSingleLadiess · 07/08/2021 13:57

Has she not been working during the holidays?
My dd is the same age and has been working almost full time since A-levels ended at May half term.

Finknottlesnewt · 07/08/2021 13:58

Hmmm .. I completely sympathise with your POV but the student loan is calculated on the Household income . Not the natural parents income. The amount provided is meant to be sufficient as long as the 'household' contributes their part.

There is SO MUCH wrong with this system it's difficult to know where to start. !

  1. Why on Earth are ADULTS meant to expect their parents to contribute to their higher education. ?
  1. If it's a loan that is paid back then why on Earth are people entitled to different amounts for doing the same thing . (Going to Uni).
  1. Why is a parents partner (who may only have been so for a few months) expected to contribute to his or her ADULT child's education. ?
  1. Why are parents of ADULTS even involved in this ? Why is there not a set amount of a loan available to every student across the board. ? Regardless of their family make up. It's a horribly discriminatory system where I knew of a lot of my dcs friends really struggled because step dads income was high but he refused to contribute.. because he was already paying for his own kids.. and dad was an arsehole.

Rant over.
However to answer your question OP.. your daughter might have had a leg to stand on if she was NC... but can't really refuse to have anything to do with him and then expect his money once she's an adult. That's not the way life works.

Howshouldibehave · 07/08/2021 13:58

Yes. But I don't want her to have to work so many hours that it'll impact on her coursework

She should be ok if she’s sensible. How much are the accommodation fees and how much are you planning to give her?

CornishTiger · 07/08/2021 14:00

Why would you even invite the opportunity for him to exert further control and manipulation by asking him to contribute given his track record.

Swipe left for the next trending thread