Can I make ex pay uni costs?

[tiredofthisshit21]

Wasn't sure where to post this. Looooong back story. Divorced 10+ years, ex is an abusive and controlling twat. DD18 is no contact with him. She's due to go to uni in Sept and due to my salary only qualifies for minimum maintenance loan. I have said I will give her x amount per month and that her dad needs to do the same. I've contacted him about it as she doesn't want to deal with him. Asked him just to set up a direct debit for the same amount as me. (He can more than afford it). He is ignoring messages and I'm worried that he won't contribute. I can't really afford to double what I'm paying. My question is, does he legally have to contribute?

My husband (DD's stepdad) has said he will help if need be so that we don't have to deal with ex. But I don't think he should be let off the hook like that. He hasn't paid maintenance in the last 2 years either.

Some fairly bad advice on this thread, stated with a great deal of confidence. Legally, as she's 18, she can herself take him to court to try and get support for university. Whether or not she'd win is another question, but in principle he may still have an obligation to her. So legally she may have a case and should take advice.

I must admit that, as she has chosen to go no contact with him, personally I think she should accept that one of the consequences is that he doesn't have a relationship with her and so doesn't feel motivated to provide support to her. In her shoes, if I wanted to stay no contact and keep him out of my life, I'd accept that part of that was not expecting any financial support at university. But that's my personal view. Legally, she may have a case, and she should speak to a family lawyer.

@Bumblecattabbybee

Of course you can't MAKE him. Most students work alongside studying and pay their own living costs? I don't know anyone whose parents paid their living costs at university.

Parents are required to pay by the system.

The amount of loan that you can get is dependent upon family income. It then states that parents need to top it up to the full loan amount.

I agree with StoneColdBitch. Some of the advice on here is misleading. The OP’s daughter most definitely can choose to take her father to court over this. Whether she would wish to, and whether she would win are different matters. I am not legally qualified but my situation sounds near identical. My affluent ex partner is virtually estranged from our son through personal choice. I am in a new relationship with a man who has his own teenage children to support and I don’t think it is right that he should be expected to support my son as well. Nor do I think it right that I should be expected to bridge the gap between student loan and the real cost of university entirely on my own. I started legal proceedings against my son’s father for University funding and he settled at mediation because he was told he would lose if it went to court (and he might end up paying my legal fees too). My son has suffered immensely through having a father who rejected him. He has done brilliantly to get to university and I feel no guilt about forcing his father to contribute to it substantially.

Well done @Bathsheba1878

@Bathsheba1878 that's good to hear, and well done you. It just makes my blood boil, these men who can fully afford to contribute and choose to be dicks about it.

I agree OP. I loathe conflict but to see my poor son sending birthday cards, Father’s Day cards etc year after year and getting no response was heartbreaking and made me so angry. Even worse his father has a step daughter who is a similar age to our son and she has a very privileged lifestyle. I couldn’t make my ex into a good father but at least the law has compelled him to behave decently in this instance (albeit against his will). Apparently he thought I should have been saving all my child maintenance to pay for our son to go through University!

Another schedule 1 court case sucess here , i took my sons father to court to pay towards private school fees. After pulling strop in court the judge made an order for him to pay until our son leaves education ie secondary school AND Uni . I tried to reason with him but he didnt want to be reasonable , i must say it was great going through his finances and him trying to tell the judge he couldn't afford when he easily could and i think he got a shock as i also had to disclose my income and he saw i was literally wiped out with the school fees and my mortgage. He kidded himself i was living the life of riley on his child support certainly not the case.

Oh I forgot to mention that he's apparently bought his step daughter a car. Arsehole. I mean, he's clearly trying to impress his new partner. And he doesn't give a shit how that looks to his own daughter

Over 10 years divorced and you're clearly still bitter and miserable about it all.

Will you ever move on? Seems a bit of a tiresome way to live?

@tiredofthisshit21

It's difficult not to be angry with him while he's continuing to have a negative impact on her life. I don't know whether I can claim backdated maintenance but it's worth looking into. I suspect he fiddles his income (self employed) to hide some of his earnings from the tax man so it might be difficult.

He's a controlling ** take the control away from him by taking him to court. He lied by omission and tried to deceive you and your daughter for cash. He is also selfish and deceitful to add to his many other traits. Keep away as far as you can and well done for getting your daughter to university! You are a wonderful woman 👑xx

@cherryadeisyummy

Over 10 years divorced and you're clearly still bitter and miserable about it all.

Will you ever move on? Seems a bit of a tiresome way to live?

Brilliant response . So expecting your child's father (y'know, 50% of their parents) to contribute towards their living expenses (whilst he buys his partner's daughter a car) is being bitter?

@tiredofthisshit21

Totally understand this. I'm in almost the exact same position - my DC is heading to uni this time, and has had 2 years of living full time with me - all throughout A Levels. Dad has contributed zero towards her financially. Literally nothing, and bleats about the fact that she doesn't want to see him, despite making zero effort, and making her life an utter misery when she did see him. The icing on the cake was that His new partner and my daughter didn't get along and I think it was all just too difficult for him.

On the other hand I've had a hell of a 2 years picking up the fallout / consequence of this. Suicide attempts, self harm, the huge cost of counselling and many, many sleepless nights. My career, studies and mental health have all taken a huge hit. But it's what we do. We are parents and it's our job.

So it's doubly irritating when they won't contribute financially. It's the least they can do.

Fortunately for me, he did finally agree to contribute a little something towards uni costs. It took me a long time to persuade my ex that it was the right thing to do. Originally his contribution was going to be his old hand-me-down clothes

It's not as simple as "well she has chosen not to see him so why should he contribute". Because parenting is unconditional. We don't get to opt out. And we have a responsibility to make sure our kids feel safe, warm and loved when with us. Something that OP's ex, and my ex, failed to do in spades. Borderline abuse. This is the consequence.

In a nutshell, you can't make him contribute unfortunately. At least not very easily. For me the legal route for finance wasn't worth the huge further toll on my mental health, only to fail anyway. You said upthread that she will get a job - my DD will do the same and fit it around her studies.

Personally, I would work on trying to accept the status quo, for the sake of both you and your DD, unless you have the strength to pursue it legally.

Good luck! I fully sympathise.

I totally hear and understand your very justified anger. The system is very flawed and your ex sounds very morally twisted. This is a new chapter in your daughters life, try not to allow this poor excuse of a father overshadow this. Financially challenging for you, but the 3 years will fly by and your daughter can take a job in term time and holidays to top up. This is very achievable with most courses unless it is something as demanding as medicine/vetinary, and she will gain a great sense of achievement from this.
You can quietly go on with the courts and hopefully he will be made to pay what is rightfully hers.
Try to comfort yourself with the fact, you have a wonderful relationship with your daughter and she will always be part of your life.
With regards to him! Some people just shouldn’t have the privilege of being a parent.

Hmmm two sides to this story I reckon

@Roblox01

Hmmm two sides to this story I reckon

Erm what exactly do you reckon the other side is?! Believe me I'm not making this shit up - he really is that much of a shit. I wish it wasn't true.

@sixpencenonethepoorer I could have written your post. I can't believe there are so many utterly shit fathers around. I'm sorry you're in the same situation.

Of course not paying maintence and using inheritance is deplorable and disgusting. Morally not paying towards uni is too, but neither parent has any sort of legal obligation to contribute, so sadly if he doesn't want to then not sure if you'll get very far.

It might be worth checking for university bursaries etc, when I was there most people didn't know about them so didn't apply. The system is weird, I got full maintenence loan but only as my parents were poor and couldn't give me anything, I worked and it was fine, most students do. If she knows what uni she's going to it's worth keeping an eye for jobs on their site as I worked in the student union bar and that was very flexible as we were all students who had deadlines etc.

Also to add, if she is moving away it can be worth trying to secure something locally (if she'll be back in the holidays) as often they'll take someone back in the holidays. I worked for a catering agency and when I was back just submitted what hours I was free and what days in the holidays and pay was pretty good so I could save a fair bit for the next term .

There are three sides to this story. The most important one is the adult daughter.

She is the one who decides if she wants help from her father.
She is the one who decides to take action over her trust fund
She is the one who decides if she wants to get a job or three jobs.
She is the one who gets to take control away from people who want to derail her and decide her future.
This is her life and her happiness at stake.

Sadly I don’t think her father is the only overbearing adult in her life.

If paying for her therapy after her father fucked her up and trying to protect her from his shit is over bearing then yes, I'm guilty. Maybe I should have just left her to it and let her attempt suicide.

@LemonTT

There are three sides to this story. The most important one is the adult daughter.

She is the one who decides if she wants help from her father.
She is the one who decides to take action over her trust fund
She is the one who decides if she wants to get a job or three jobs.
She is the one who gets to take control away from people who want to derail her and decide her future.
This is her life and her happiness at stake.

Sadly I don’t think her father is the only overbearing adult in her life.

Ah. So parenting stops completely at 18. Thanks for the heads up.

*mental note to tell my mother who still has my back at 44.

I thought a parent had to pay maintenance until the child was either 21 or in full time employment (I could be wrong), can you not contact cms and have a conversing them.

This is from the citizens advice

The CMS can only ask you to pay maintenance if all the following rules apply to you and your family:
• you’re all ‘habitually resident’ in the UK
• the child is under 16 or under 20 and in approved education - they’re called a ‘qualifying child’

@tiredofthisshit21 You've received a lot of unfair & ignorant comments on this thread, from posters who have basically missed the point.

The unfairness of only getting love and support from 1 of your birth parents, when the non-supportive parent is physically and financially able to provide that support but puts their own selfish reasons ahead of doing so, is very painful and difficult for a teen, who wants to love that parent but just gets a load of abuse, neglect or disrespect in return. It's emotional trauma.

OP my DD17 also had therapy to deal with a similar situation. Her father did redeem himself slightly by offering to pay his (court ordered) share of her college fees, but is now unable to work for the foreseeable so I will have to find it all myself anyway. After discussing it with her she said she did feel as if not having him pay for anything and not being reliant on him would give her some kind of closure. I hope that might be the case for your dd, because as I'm sure you know, court battles with the other parent can be soul destroying.

‘Approved education’ for CMS purposes does not include University. If the OP’s child were to retake A levels (full time study) then CMS payments would continue.

The issue is he’s a controlling abuser who will use any opportunity to do just that!
The money wouldn’t come without ‘strings’ and if that has the chance of damaging your daughter then it’s simply not worth it.
Is it fair? Absolutely no way! But nothing is ever fair when dealing with these men.
I suggest you use this as an opportunity to show your daughter the power of cutting all ties and not asking for or be owe him anything.
P.s he’s an absolute horror by the sounds of it but having calm and peace in your and her life is worth more than any money!