Can I make ex pay uni costs?

[tiredofthisshit21]

Wasn't sure where to post this. Looooong back story. Divorced 10+ years, ex is an abusive and controlling twat. DD18 is no contact with him. She's due to go to uni in Sept and due to my salary only qualifies for minimum maintenance loan. I have said I will give her x amount per month and that her dad needs to do the same. I've contacted him about it as she doesn't want to deal with him. Asked him just to set up a direct debit for the same amount as me. (He can more than afford it). He is ignoring messages and I'm worried that he won't contribute. I can't really afford to double what I'm paying. My question is, does he legally have to contribute?

My husband (DD's stepdad) has said he will help if need be so that we don't have to deal with ex. But I don't think he should be let off the hook like that. He hasn't paid maintenance in the last 2 years either.

I don't know why you were expecting a voluntary contribution when she's an adult when he hasn't fulfilled his legal requirement to pay maintenance! Of course it's unfair and annoying, but surely it can't surprise you?

Hopefully you can get a good resolution for the inheritance issue.

I don't think University counts as 'further education', as it's higher education, but someone who knows the law better than me can clarify that.

I am kinda on the side of 'what do you expect?' - neither of my parents were financially reliable nd were very much everything has strings attached, and I knew leaving and going no contact would mean that I would have no chance of further financial support from them. It's not kind, it's not what I would do for my kids, but I couldn't - for my own wellbeing - expect them to change into caring parents. Some people can have better relationship with their kids when they're kids are adults, but I don't think it does young people who go through that much good to act like that's likely to happen.

One day, you can both celebrate not having to deal with his bullshit anymore.

Of course you can't MAKE him. Most students work alongside studying and pay their own living costs? I don't know anyone whose parents paid their living costs at university.

Well aren't you lovely @aintgotnotimeforbs. Perhaps don't post on a predominantly middle class forum then? Has my mention of school fees pissed you off?

It sounds like you have had a lot of battles with this man on behalf of your daughter. And she has struggled to deal with his behaviour towards her.

She’s now an adult, any battle to get money is hers. Only she can start action against him. As many people have pointed out it will be trying to get blood out of a stone. Both legally and by appealing to his good nature. Is this something your daughter is strong enough to do?

I think the best thing is for her to go off to university with whatever support you can provide and to forget about any more confrontation with her father.

Maybe her father will provide for her. But it doesn’t sound like you are best person to facilitate this.

Some battles are not worth the collateral damage or worth winning.

@tiredofthisshit21

Well aren't you lovely *@aintgotnotimeforbs*. Perhaps don't post on a predominantly middle class forum then? Has my mention of school fees pissed you off?

Nothing to do with school fees.

Everything to do with your daughter being quite capable of getting a job and paying her own way.

@Bumblecattabbybee

Of course you can't MAKE him. Most students work alongside studying and pay their own living costs? I don't know anyone whose parents paid their living costs at university.

Well said.

People here do hate non payers. Your dilemma is the same as somebody asking if they can get their ex to pay some of their childcare bill or extra child medical expenses - the answer to that would be CMS is all that he has to pay unless he's a super high earner but you need to balance the money you'd receive with the cost of legal advice so men regularly get away with it.

You were unreasonable to assume that he'd pay 50% of the shortfall when he's been a devious shit but I understand why you'd hoped that this would be an exception.

I thought they had to pay until education had finished?

I am horrified at some of the responses too @tiredofthisshit21.

I am dealing with a similar situation but DD is only 13. She has gone totally NC with her father as he is extremely abusive. I see me in your shoes in 5 years time. Very clearly.

It is the most stressful thing you have been navigating for years, I bet you are exhausted. You have to constantly worry about your DD... I know what it feels like.

Best of luck, he sounds dispicable.

@tiredofthisshit21 I think given your updates you need legal advice on both the use of your daughters inheritance, maintenance and uni contributions. There is more than one financial issue at play here.

Absolutely this

Thank you @BillieSpain. I do hope you don't experience the same - it's not fun.

@LemonTT

It sounds like you have had a lot of battles with this man on behalf of your daughter. And she has struggled to deal with his behaviour towards her.

She’s now an adult, any battle to get money is hers. Only she can start action against him. As many people have pointed out it will be trying to get blood out of a stone. Both legally and by appealing to his good nature. Is this something your daughter is strong enough to do?

I think the best thing is for her to go off to university with whatever support you can provide and to forget about any more confrontation with her father.

Maybe her father will provide for her. But it doesn’t sound like you are best person to facilitate this.

Some battles are not worth the collateral damage or worth winning.

I'm inclined to agree with this tbh.

I know it's a monumental pain in the arse and impossible not to feel angry, resentful and worried for you DD.

I'm currently struggling to get fifty quid out of my ex towards DD's A-level textbooks. At least I have 2 years notice that she can probably expect the square root of fuck all when she goes to uni, and it will all fall on me.

@Bumblecattabbybee

Of course you can't MAKE him. Most students work alongside studying and pay their own living costs? I don't know anyone whose parents paid their living costs at university.

I've heard it all now 🤣 Of three dc at/were at uni, only one has worked at all (because it was compatible with their course and they wanted a better social life!). The other two have/had very intensive courses which by their nature also precluded much of a social life. They've all had their living expenses funded by their parents .... because, you know, that's what people who can afford it do for their children.

Anyway, back to the main point .... I'm glad you are getting the trusteeship looked at.
It's easy to report tax evasion to HMRC and you can do it anonymously if you want (leave the personal details boxes blank) : www.gov.uk/report-an-unregistered-trader-or-business
(Despite the link address this is a form for various types of tax evasion.)

@tiredofthisshit21

Am surprised by some of the responses. I thought MN hated men who didn't financially support their children? It feels like I'm meant to be ok about the fact that he's not paid maintenance, stolen her inheritance and fucked her up mentally. I'll just have to console myself with a big old celebration when the fucker dies.

Unfortunately once you mention money and uni you get a very different response on MN. What many people fail to understand is that the finance system for uni is based on parents contributing. People are always saying parents don't need to contribute and DC should get a job but have no idea that there is an expectation that parents contribute up to c. 4.5k per year depending on their earnings. Unsupported DC from high earning families are much worse off than those coming from low income families because they can't borrow the same amounts. A job as a top up is great but to have the pressure of having to work just to be able to pay accommodation costs and food because you can't get the full maintenance loan the powers that be have decided is the amount required is not fun. The system is completely floored but it is the system. Expecting DC to just suck it up if their parents either can't or won't subsidise as expected is just wrong.

I had an amazing dad growing up!! He made ok money, always took care of our family. However, he didn't pay a cent for my uni, I worked 3 jobs and graduated debt free. I didn't ask or expect anything from him.

Why do you want him to pay? When someone is that controlling surely the best thing is to cut contact all together. She can get a part time job like loads of students do

Spot on, @TheTeenageYears

@Goldbar

If he's spent her inheritance, the better solution would be to threaten him with the police and a civil suit through the courts if he doesn't hand over a sum equal to her inheritance to be used to support her at university. If he was trustee of the money, he could go to jail and his house/assets could be sold to pay your DD back.

The difficulty with this is that he used the money to pay for her school fees, so she has benefitted greatly. The OP chose not to claim maintenance during this time in lieu of the school fees - probably not the best decision she made tbh.

@tiredofthisshit21

Spot on, *@TheTeenageYears*

What she said is true. But so if the advice that you and your husband are technically, if not morally, responsible for the top up. There’s no will to appeal to and it’s not clear if your daughter wants or needs anything further from her father.

@Soontobe60. It depends entirely on the terms on which the money was held on trust whether he was entitled to do that. If I was the OP, I'd have a chat with a lawyer and then consider based on what they said whether to go to the police.

@SoniaD that was possible years ago but with fees of £9000+ and accommodation £7000+ per academic year. It's not possible to leave uni debt free unless you have a very well paid job, or family that pay.

@SoniaD

I had an amazing dad growing up!! He made ok money, always took care of our family. However, he didn't pay a cent for my uni, I worked 3 jobs and graduated debt free. I didn't ask or expect anything from him.

I’m sure you can appreciate how different things are now and even if working, students will graduate with debt in the tens of thousands, even excluding tuition fees.

It's shit that he's such a horrible man, OP.

At least now she's 18 you all can completely cut him out of your lives, and that's what I would do.