Can I make ex pay uni costs?

[tiredofthisshit21]

Wasn't sure where to post this. Looooong back story. Divorced 10+ years, ex is an abusive and controlling twat. DD18 is no contact with him. She's due to go to uni in Sept and due to my salary only qualifies for minimum maintenance loan. I have said I will give her x amount per month and that her dad needs to do the same. I've contacted him about it as she doesn't want to deal with him. Asked him just to set up a direct debit for the same amount as me. (He can more than afford it). He is ignoring messages and I'm worried that he won't contribute. I can't really afford to double what I'm paying. My question is, does he legally have to contribute?

My husband (DD's stepdad) has said he will help if need be so that we don't have to deal with ex. But I don't think he should be let off the hook like that. He hasn't paid maintenance in the last 2 years either.

@sixpencenonethepoorer - that’s not correct - unfortunately money saving expert isn’t reliable legal advice!

He is legally obliged. It’s certainly possible to go to court and enforce the obligation too and some young people do every year. Of course it’s difficult (more so now due to legal aid cuts) so fewer do it than should. Also people obviously do feel guilty suing their parents.

[quote CayrolBaaaskin]@sixpencenonethepoorer - that’s not correct - unfortunately money saving expert isn’t reliable legal advice!

He is legally obliged. It’s certainly possible to go to court and enforce the obligation too and some young people do every year. Of course it’s difficult (more so now due to legal aid cuts) so fewer do it than should. Also people obviously do feel guilty suing their parents.[/quote]
I don't think it is legally enforceable. University is a choice, not legally obliged education. I work at a university and am also a teacher, my DD goes this year too. Sadly, I wish you were right but beyond 18 it's optional. X

[quote CayrolBaaaskin]@sixpencenonethepoorer - that’s not correct - unfortunately money saving expert isn’t reliable legal advice!

He is legally obliged. It’s certainly possible to go to court and enforce the obligation too and some young people do every year. Of course it’s difficult (more so now due to legal aid cuts) so fewer do it than should. Also people obviously do feel guilty suing their parents.[/quote]
I stand corrected @CayrolBaaaskin !! My apologies. I had to google hard but found this from a solicitor website!

Well I didn't know that. You learn something new every day!

Thank @sixpencenonethepoorer. As I said I knew a girl at uni who took her father to court for maintenance. She had to arrest his wages in the end but she did get all the money she was awarded.

Imo CMS should extend to uni - court actions are expensive and difficult and very many young people are forced to struggle when one or even both parents refuse to pay what they should. But CMS also needs to be fit for purpose first.

Update for anyone who is interested. She got into her second choice of uni with lower than expected grades. Still very proud of her, obviously. I had to let her dad know as she didn't want to deal with his disappointment. Radio silence from him.

@tiredofthisshit21

Update for anyone who is interested. She got into her second choice of uni with lower than expected grades. Still very proud of her, obviously. I had to let her dad know as she didn't want to deal with his disappointment. Radio silence from him.

Radio silence - well that speaks volumes about him. He's clearly not interested in any relationship with his daughter and it sounds like she's better off without him, difficult though that may be.

Well done to your DD! Second choice uni means that it was well up there as a choice, which is fab! She'll have the time of her life. I wish I could go back and do it again.

I took my DD out for dinner last night to celebrate. Her dad is away 🤷‍♀️. He did nothing to mark her GCSEs either. His SD will be a different matter. But it's their loss. So long as they have someone rooting for them, they'll be fine!

Ah that's crap that he didn't acknowledge @sixpencenonethepoorer but well done to your DD. I can't get past the fact that my ex doesn't seem to give a shit but I know that I have to, as I can't change things.

@tiredofthisshit21

Ah that's crap that he didn't acknowledge *@sixpencenonethepoorer* but well done to your DD. I can't get past the fact that my ex doesn't seem to give a shit but I know that I have to, as I can't change things.

Exactly. We can't change it, hard though it is. Something you'd never have predicted would happen when you first had children!

@tiredofthisshit21

Update for anyone who is interested. She got into her second choice of uni with lower than expected grades. Still very proud of her, obviously. I had to let her dad know as she didn't want to deal with his disappointment. Radio silence from him.

On the upside, she never has to see or hear from him again. Onwards and upwards. I wish her well!

@gobackanddoitproperly thanks for your good wishes and spot on - there is no reason whatsoever now for her to tie herself up in knots looking for his approval. He has played his hand very clearly. We will work out financing based on my support only and she can get on with the rest of her life.

It sounds very difficult but, if two adults don’t have a relationship, there is no reason why they should have a financial one, regardless of genes.

As for paying school fees out of her inheritance, I guess that would depend on the terms of the trust. I assume he was not the sole trustee?

Sounds like he could/should have done/be doing more but, ultimately, he will lose out when he loses the relationship with his daughter.

Having said that, if on your salary, she only qualifies for minimum loan, maybe you could help out more?

Well done @tiredofthisshit21's DD! Brilliant.

On a side note, it's amazing how people continue commenting without reading the thread properly! So irritating.

@tiredofthisshit21

Update for anyone who is interested. She got into her second choice of uni with lower than expected grades. Still very proud of her, obviously. I had to let her dad know as she didn't want to deal with his disappointment. Radio silence from him.

Glad she has a place though-good news!

How much is her accommodation? You should be able to do some sums now you know where she’s going? I’m presuming if she’s not in London and is living away, you earn at least £62k alone, and she should get a £4422 loan?

Yes she gets minimum maintenance loan, not in London. Just waiting to hear from the university re accommodation as she didn't get her first choice so hadn't applied. It'll be a case of what's left. But looking at the options for that particular university none of them look hugely expensive.

Thanks @BillieSpain

@tiredofthisshit21

Yes she gets minimum maintenance loan, not in London. Just waiting to hear from the university re accommodation as she didn't get her first choice so hadn't applied. It'll be a case of what's left. But looking at the options for that particular university none of them look hugely expensive.

Thanks @BillieSpain

That’s great.

If you put the maintenance loan towards the accommodation (with a bit extra if necessary), then give her eg £200/300 a month to live on, then she still has the earnings from her job for ‘fun’ money, I would imagine she’ll be good! Is she excited?!

I wouldn’t pursue the inheritance through the courts and out the solicitors fees towards your daughters fees.

Congratulations to your daughter OP. My son will be off to University too and his father will be (very reluctantly!) paying his accommodation costs. For us it was the right thing to go down the legal route to get his father to pay but yes, it is expensive and it is stressful. I can completely understand why children don’t do this.

@Howshouldibehave she's very excited yes. In terms of money to live on I think she just needs to feed herself - am I missing anything? Obviously money for nights out and clothes etc can come from her earnings. I think I was over estimating how much she would need when I was thinking that me & ex would split rent payment and let her live off maintenance loan. You can tell I've never done this before!

@Dervel

I wouldn’t pursue the inheritance through the courts and out the solicitors fees towards your daughters fees.

That's already being dealt with separately. It's a big sum of money and not one worth dropping for the sake of solicitors fees!!

[quote tiredofthisshit21]@Howshouldibehave she's very excited yes. In terms of money to live on I think she just needs to feed herself - am I missing anything? Obviously money for nights out and clothes etc can come from her earnings. I think I was over estimating how much she would need when I was thinking that me & ex would split rent payment and let her live off maintenance loan. You can tell I've never done this before![/quote]
Yep-it’s mainly food they’ll need-I’m presuming she’s going self catering?

Drinks can be expensive-obviously it depends heavily on if you are going to drink cider in halls or cocktails in posh bars! Also think about travel (to lectures/town/visiting friends/home) and mobile phones-I just pay DS’s contract as it’s part of a family package. You can get a railcard free with some student bank accounts which is worth considering.

I sent him up with a huge box of tinned /dried food to get him started as well.

Thank you, that's really helpful. Yes - self catering.

@tiredofthisshit21

Thank you, that's really helpful. Yes - self catering.

No worries at all-it would have been helpful for someone to tell me all this last year so happy to help!

Other useful things to take…
More than one plate/bowl/glass/mug/knife etc so you can cook for a friend!
A really good sharp knife in an obvious colour (we did orange!) so it’s easy to identify as theirs!
Saucepan/frying pan/wok
Toastie maker
Chopping board
Colander
Mirror
No suitcase as you have to store it somewhere -send them with collapsible hold-all type bags.
Laundry bag (ikea blue ones are good)

You are a star! Also on my list are mattress topper and slow cooker

@tiredofthisshit21 then fair enough, I hope your case is successful! I only suggested it is I may have had the inaccurate impression that your ex’s contributions to DD’s Uni cost were required, and you couldn’t afford to subsidise DD on your own.

Courts are always a bit of a gamble and I’d hate to see your DD put in financial distress. If you can wear losing that case and getting no help from ex, and still be able to meet DDs cost go for it!

I was so envious of the girl with a toastie maker!