Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I make ex pay uni costs?

227 replies

tiredofthisshit21 · 07/08/2021 13:40

Wasn't sure where to post this. Looooong back story. Divorced 10+ years, ex is an abusive and controlling twat. DD18 is no contact with him. She's due to go to uni in Sept and due to my salary only qualifies for minimum maintenance loan. I have said I will give her x amount per month and that her dad needs to do the same. I've contacted him about it as she doesn't want to deal with him. Asked him just to set up a direct debit for the same amount as me. (He can more than afford it). He is ignoring messages and I'm worried that he won't contribute. I can't really afford to double what I'm paying. My question is, does he legally have to contribute?

My husband (DD's stepdad) has said he will help if need be so that we don't have to deal with ex. But I don't think he should be let off the hook like that. He hasn't paid maintenance in the last 2 years either.

OP posts:
ThatsAllFolks · 08/08/2021 10:53

I'm a single mum. My child is entitled to the minimum maintenance loan because of my earnings. I plug the gap to the level of the maximum loan but it takes a lot of budgeting to do so and nothing left over. It is a pain but it is possible

SmokeyDevil · 08/08/2021 12:06

He's a complete cunt. Why would you even think he would pay anything? He hasn't even paid maintenance. Of course he isn't going to pay uni fees.

Handle it yourself, let the tax man know he could be fiddling his earnings, and get a solicitor regarding the inheritance. That's all you can do. And so what if he gets angry about the last two? Your daughter doesn't talk to him anyway, and the shit head deserves what he gets if he has been avoiding tax payments.

Sakurami · 08/08/2021 12:18

I'm sorry op. I think that as annoying as it is, I would leave it as wouldn't want this to hang over my child. Even if he paid something, he could withdraw it any time and you would never know if you were coming or going and wouldn't want your daughter to feel any pressure.

BillieSpain · 08/08/2021 12:33

@cherryadeisyummy

Over 10 years divorced and you're clearly still bitter and miserable about it all.

Will you ever move on? Seems a bit of a tiresome way to live?

Hard to move on when his behaviour is negatively affecting/impacting the person it her your job to defend, and whom she loves most in the world. Whom her father has quite possibly stolen from,

I expect 100% the OP wishes she could have nothing to do with him.

Supportive post and well thought out opinion there though Hmm

BillieSpain · 08/08/2021 12:44

the person it is her job to defend

GentlemanJay · 08/08/2021 12:46

@Howshouldibehave

No, he doesn’t have to pay. If she isn’t speaking to him and has no contact, it sounds unlikely he will.

The most sensible idea is for her to get a job whilst she is there.

Bingo.
Heartshapedrocks · 08/08/2021 12:46

Legally, as she's 18, she can herself take him to court to try and get support for university. Whether or not she'd win is another question, but in principle he may still have an obligation to her. So legally she may have a case and should take advice.

Unfortunately he has no obligation to pay legally, no parent does. The moral and the legal realities are sadly very different sometimes.

GentlemanJay · 08/08/2021 12:52

I'm listening to this. Is this about you trying to control your ex by telling him what to do. Your only time to get your own back?

Get her to uni. Let her get a part time job. She will gain as much from that as a person as studying.

Forget about your ex. Let him get on with his life.

MiddlesexGirl · 08/08/2021 13:18

@bigbaggyeyes

This is from the citizens advice

The CMS can only ask you to pay maintenance if all the following rules apply to you and your family:
• you’re all ‘habitually resident’ in the UK
• the child is under 16 or under 20 and in approved education - they’re called a ‘qualifying child’

A qualifying young person is in non-advanced education. University is advanced.
Viviennemary · 08/08/2021 13:31

Trying every way possible to squeeze money out of somebody neither of you can stand and want nothing to do with. Talk about grabby. Not surprised he doesn't want to contribute.

Original poster
tiredofthisshit21 · 08/08/2021 13:33

I see the trolls are out in force. Controlling and grabby. I've heard it all now. 🙄

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/08/2021 13:35

Yes. But I don't want her to have to work so many hours that it'll impact on her coursework

But it's OK to tap up her abusive Dad that she wants no contact with?

Confused

It's her choice to go to Uni. She needs to get a job. We've all done it.

SmokeyDevil · 08/08/2021 13:57

@Viviennemary

Trying every way possible to squeeze money out of somebody neither of you can stand and want nothing to do with. Talk about grabby. Not surprised he doesn't want to contribute.
It's people like you that enable twats like this. You think it's fine for him not to pay for his child just because the mother asked for it? Hmm He should be paying for his child, he shouldn't even need asked.
BillieSpain · 08/08/2021 13:58

Some posts on here are utterly nuts. Posters simply haven't read the thread properly.

When I went to uni, yes, I always worked (in the holidays) and that was sufficient. No tuition fees (gvmt paid), a book allowance even, I think and my Dad paid a small amount for halls and then shared crappy rented accomodation. I also took out a small student loan the final year.

It's not like that now though, is it? No. It is so, so, different.

Viviennemary I'm surprised, you have always seemed to me such a lovely and fair poster. What you wrote was horrible.

SmokeyDevil · 08/08/2021 14:14

@BillieSpain

Yeah older people tend to forget stuff like this was either paid for by the government or you didn't have big fees to pay or a shit ton on rent. You can end up with a minimum of £12,000 of debt here without debt on the fees too, and I'm lucky being in Scotland. £12,000 of debt is a small price to pay, and I still won't pay that off with the small amounts I'm paying off for decades. Others managed to pay off their couple of hundred of loans quickly or had nothing at all.

But no, we are still ungrateful, lazy, blah blah blah. I'd like to see some of these people manage, considering so many need help planning how to spend their money without going into debt.

VenusSap · 08/08/2021 14:38

@tiredofthisshit21

I see the trolls are out in force. Controlling and grabby. I've heard it all now. 🙄
Well it is grabby. She wants nothing to do with him but she’s happy to take his money. Hmm

She’s an adult now and if she wants nothing to do with him then she shouldn’t expect any money from him.

No parent has to financially assist through Uni. She will have to get a job.

Ihavehadenoughalready · 08/08/2021 14:51

He does not. I'm American, but I think unless you wrote it up in a settlement agreement, nope. You are free to ask. Expect it to be no.

It's great that you can help her, but she'll also have to help herself.

Ihavehadenoughalready · 08/08/2021 15:22

Now that I see the part about him using her inheritance to pay school fees, yet he had agreed to pay school fees in lieu of maintenance, and then paid nothing the last two years, to me it sounds like you and she should sue him for all the funds he took from her trust (as the school fees were to have been paid by his money, not hers) plus back dated maintenance for the last two years. I see that you are already pursing this in the courts, so good luck.

Sakurami · 08/08/2021 15:27

OP ignore the idiot trolls.

He should be contributing. He can afford it and she's his daughter. And that is aside from the fact that he stole from his own daughter by misusing her trust fund. What a vile prick.

You're not controlling or grabby. Where the hell do people get that from?? He is controlling and will only pay if he gets to decide what she studies. Wtf??

SmokeyDevil · 08/08/2021 15:33

@VenusSap

Did you miss the part where he stole from his own daughter, pretending to be a good dad, when really he was just giving her her own money? Hmm

Yeah just grabby. I'm sure you'd take that lying down.

VenusSap · 08/08/2021 15:41

[quote SmokeyDevil]@VenusSap

Did you miss the part where he stole from his own daughter, pretending to be a good dad, when really he was just giving her her own money? Hmm

Yeah just grabby. I'm sure you'd take that lying down.[/quote]
I didn’t miss that at all. Hmm

That’s a separate issue though and the op already said it’s being dealt with via court.

The two matters are separate issues. He should have to pay that back but he doesn’t have to provide financial support through uni if he doesn’t want too and specially if his own DD doesn’t want anything to do with him.

Can’t have it both ways. Happy to never speak to your dad but you want him to send you money every month. Clearly doesn’t hate him that much.

SmokeyDevil · 08/08/2021 15:45

@VenusSap

Think unless it's actually happened to you, maybe you can't fully get how pissed off you'd be.

If that was my dad, I'd be furious and want to drain him of any money he had as pay back. The asshole deserves it. But I'd have already called the tax man on him to fuck him over.

sixpencenonethepoorer · 08/08/2021 15:48

As mentioned by OP, dad was pretty crap and resulted in his DD having therapy and being suicidal. That's no mean feat to have to deal with for her Mum, who had to deal with the fallout of this on her own.

We don't get to opt out of parenting. What if OP did the same?

She's cleared up his emotional mess and has had zero contribution from him for 2 years, financial or otherwise. She knows she's unlikely to get a uni contribution too, but think she's more than entitled to feel pissed off!

Posts like some of these above are what enable these absent parents!

VenusSap · 08/08/2021 15:49

[quote SmokeyDevil]@VenusSap

Think unless it's actually happened to you, maybe you can't fully get how pissed off you'd be.

If that was my dad, I'd be furious and want to drain him of any money he had as pay back. The asshole deserves it. But I'd have already called the tax man on him to fuck him over.[/quote]
Then you would be grabby as too 🤷🏼‍♀️

Fact is he still doesn’t have to provide support through uni.

Fullofglee · 08/08/2021 15:54

Plenty of students get jobs to help and don't rely on parents, alot of them don't even do full time hours and have a full summer off unless, she's doing nursing which I did then it was full time 40plus hours a week with a portfolio a s course work and exams, we only 3 weeks off in the summer.

Swipe left for the next trending thread