Dating thread 209: Summer of Love 2021

[BelladiMamma]

I've put a screenshot of the RULES here

Dear newbies and oldies they're excellent words of wisdom and deserve to be read frequently

Here's to all of us navigating the sea of twats, the tsunami of penpals and the ever receding tide of ghosters

Let's kick them into touch and have a summer of love ❤️

I do understand the feeling of anxiety that OLD brings too, btw. It has me on edge.

That's why I try to get two chats going then go into snooze mode until I have decided where they are going.

Decorator has now reduced contact to about twice a week, mainly just boring (#hilarious) memes.

Yeah shayelle
When I was happily single I said that I had such awful boundaries and generally bad taste in men I’d be better off staying single

My brief foray into tinder has shown me that nothing changed, I either have a slutty profile or gravitate to the bad ones

I was going to say @VanGoghsDog how nice to be asked out IRL by someone you’ve already met. That must be a nice feeling. Hope he turns out to be a decent one 🙂

Take care on there @Thisisworsethananticpated!!

Unmatched a 'hi' guy on Tinder. Sent messages to two others to follow up from chats yesterday. Three new matches have appeared.

I think I now have five matches with no chat, three hanging because their last message was too boring, didn't warrant a reply etc, and three with a bit of chat.

My ex went out last night and saw loads of our friends. I could have gone but clubbing isn't really my thing anymore, staying out until 6am is well and truly behind me. It made me realise how much I miss our friends though. It also made me remember how life has changed. Oh and how lonely I really am for a man in my life again. 🥺

Sundays can be hard

It’s weird as I was pretty happily single before this summer
Now I’ve had a taste of it , I feel lonelier

Sundays are hard.

I'm so pleased that I had a BBQ to go to, and a friend who offered a lift so that I could go without worrying about whether or not I was ok to drive after my head injury. It was with horsey mates who've all got injury war stories and many of whom are single!

All my irons have been really quiet today. Makes me feel more lonely. And then the only ones who message me are the ones who want to have a go at me for unmatching.

Plus my anxiety is sky high because of my friend in Kabul. I know it's not helping me worrying about it, I probably need to avoid the news for a bit.

Solidarity with the ones feeling lonely. 

@VanGoghsDog you're doing so well to get a IRL iron!! Bloody well done 👏🏿 how will that work with MrWG? And I hear you about the drinks party. If you're in a formal dating situation at least you get the invites too

@Shayelle2009 and @Thisisworsethananticpated

I try to have a balanced view and I wouldn't say my "expectations are too high" - I'd say I'm physically attractive enough myself, aren't after wining and dining or marriage, just want someone who is at my level for dates and some physical intimacy - and not even the "best looking most alpha manly man going").

And I've met some great people on the apps and had some cool dates.

But the apps really are a cesspit to deal with?

I think it's like "political debate being polarised" - it's like the ticker for "normal sexual behaviour" has moved so even "Dave from accounts " thinks he entitled to sex shots and discussing if you like anal or if you'll "domme" him before agreeing to coffee.

Someone on another dating chat thread said they think that the really really good looking guys get chased so they don't need to make any effort or pretend - I mean literally just "when do you want to hookup?" as if they are doing their meets a favour?

And the guys who are maybe "next level down" kind of get influenced and think they are "also entitled to sex first and foremost" so get dragged into this manipulative behaviour where they throw a few lines "as if it's normal dating" but want sex immediately.

So it's not even "being guarded for the wrong reasons" - we're justifiably wary because the apps are full of hypersexed men without our best interests at heart?

(that makes me sound like I'm anti-sex but I'm actually craving intimacy right now! It's just the sense of flakiness and pushiness and entitlement that's wearying)

[quote SpringlikeBunk]**@Shayelle2009* and @Thisisworsethananticpated*

I try to have a balanced view and I wouldn't say my "expectations are too high" - I'd say I'm physically attractive enough myself, aren't after wining and dining or marriage, just want someone who is at my level for dates and some physical intimacy - and not even the "best looking most alpha manly man going").

And I've met some great people on the apps and had some cool dates.

But the apps really are a cesspit to deal with?

I think it's like "political debate being polarised" - it's like the ticker for "normal sexual behaviour" has moved so even "Dave from accounts " thinks he entitled to sex shots and discussing if you like anal or if you'll "domme" him before agreeing to coffee.

Someone on another dating chat thread said they think that the really really good looking guys get chased so they don't need to make any effort or pretend - I mean literally just "when do you want to hookup?" as if they are doing their meets a favour?

And the guys who are maybe "next level down" kind of get influenced and think they are "also entitled to sex first and foremost" so get dragged into this manipulative behaviour where they throw a few lines "as if it's normal dating" but want sex immediately.

So it's not even "being guarded for the wrong reasons" - we're justifiably wary because the apps are full of hypersexed men without our best interests at heart?

(that makes me sound like I'm anti-sex but I'm actually craving intimacy right now! It's just the sense of flakiness and pushiness and entitlement that's wearying)[/quote]
This is really interesting. There are a few irons where I've been happy to talk about sex because it starts off in the right way, ie an honest discussion about intimacy and loneliness after a split. But with the younger guys they seem to pile in really quickly with questions about sexual preferences etc. I just unmatch but it doesn't happen so much now because my youngest age range is 45 yo now.

I think another thing is my best friend went on holiday today, another best friend got back from ibiza last week, and another best friend is still on holiday (i meet him for a walk on Sundays sometimes, as well as lunch when we were both office working) so I feel completely friend less today. I wanted to message Mr Cricket but I can't really because it would only be to make myself feel like I had friends but would probably make me feel worse.

Oh and my friend who looks like Computer Geek is engaged so that hasn't helped as there would have been a time I would have known and not found out second hand.

@BelladiMamma my Dad told me one of my cousins is in Afghanistan at the moment and my younger brother is moving to the Middle East next month (I'm gonna miss my little brother).

@SpringlikeBunk for me it’s not even that side of it I’m so wary of, it’s more if someone is unhinged, aggressive, vindictive, a woman hater, a stalker, violent…

@BelladiMamma

I think I'm at that age where I'm old enough so my boundaries are strengthening and I don't like manipulative behaviour and young enough so I'm getting the brunt of the "pushy sex culture" at the moment!

I'm not even sure any of these guys even are skilled lovers or enthusiastic and virile in bed - it's almost like they're just replicating what they've seen on porn?

@Shayelle2009

Yes, loads of nutcases too!

Was just thinking back to my "couldn't find out where to park/card didn't work/car didn't start" date zero guy from Tinder. Couple months ago now.

The fact that he had sat there and planned how to do all these little "microaggressions" to trick me into inviting him to mine (and clearly a strategy he had thought out and tried before).

Something literally unhinged about making that amount of effort to manipulate an "attractivish" woman you don't know that well into inviting you to theirs against their instincts?

Good looking guy as well with a good job (I mean if he just went through the normal dating format and rituals and waited for consent would definitely get quality attention) so got some kind of "kick" out of controlling and tricking women.

His social media is all cutesy hipster photos with his cool friends and asking about charity recommendations for fundraisers.

Urgh yeah I remember you saying about that one Spring. It was like he was trying to bamboozle you wasn’t he… little creep.

how will that work with MrWG?

MrWG (also a RL iron, from the same group, but they don't know each other at all, never been on a walk together) says he's "not boyfriend material" (due to his hectic life) and therefore doesn't object if I see other men to "meet my needs", though he won't see anyone else. This is not a formal agreement, just something he said by text. I didn't actually agree to it.

I did point out that I'd hardly be likely to meet another guy who felt happy for me to carry on seeing him!

I mean, I could resurrect the 2018 FB and see him alongside MrWG. But I don't want that, I want someone who wants to be with me, I mean actually BE with me. So that is what I am looking for. MrWG will have to just stand down when I find someone.

The actual fact is that MrWG is not well endowed, and also so far incapable of PIV sex, though things are looking more promising there recently. He knows both these things and I think these are the real reasons he knows he's "not boyfriend material" and that I should be allowed to have someone else to "meet my needs".

He thinks my "needs" are about sex. But they really aren't.

@VanGoghsDog

It sounds like there's a connection with (old) MrWG - but he does seem to have his preferences which means he'll never be exactly what you want?

I kind of wonder if all the flakiness/push-pull with communication is also him trying to passively stop you getting "too formally attached" to him. I guess it's down to you if you can take him at face value and enjoy what you have?

But I'd steer clear of trying to "fix" or "reassure" him - if he doesn't want a relationship I don't think trying to get over the ED stuff will really solve that?

@Shayelle2009 I wouldn't even say I've had a terrible time of the apps overall, and I'm reasonably boundaried and don't overinvest! Meeting MrC on Wednesday (who I met on Bumble) and had a lovely sports/nature weekend in seaside heaven with someone I met on POF (not dating just stayed mates)

But signing up to them sometimes feels like voluntarily walking into a place with 80% of the people are untrustworthy and sneaky and behaving like your old school and workplace bullies - not good for MH?

Well i just swiped right on someone who if he swipes right would be great as we would have so much in common, he's a dj and I do like my dance music even if I have given up clubbing. I don't want to delete now just in case he matches lol.

But I'd steer clear of trying to "fix" or "reassure" him - if he doesn't want a relationship I don't think trying to get over the ED stuff will really solve that?

I will steer clear of fixing him and I've never mentioned the ED, let alone tried to reassure him. He's never attempted to even talk to me about it, other than one comment like "I know I'm not the biggest".

He can start that conversation if he wants to.

Agree re the push pull. It's idiotic to think you can manage someone else's feelings though, isn't it? But I do think 90% of that is him just being fairly disinterested in things that are not happening right now. I know someone in the walking club has been trying to get hold of him for ages and he's a good mate of his and he just never returns his texts.

I don't think he genuinely doesn't want a relationship, I think he does but doesn't want to enter into one without the other person knowing exactly what that will mean for them. But it's not my problem to solve.

Though at some point I'm going to have to lay it on the line - as in: I want this and if you don't, or can't, bye.

Or I just meet someone else.

Just had phone chat with one of my Bumble conversations. Nice guy and he made me laugh. Bit older than me, widowed, busy and has stuff going for him.

He'd suggested we speak today and I'd just put him in the flaky box as that was a few days ago now. Nice surprise when he followed up.

I'm going to call him MrProperty.

@VanGoghsDog

how will that work with MrWG?

MrWG (also a RL iron, from the same group, but they don't know each other at all, never been on a walk together) says he's "not boyfriend material" (due to his hectic life) and therefore doesn't object if I see other men to "meet my needs", though he won't see anyone else. This is not a formal agreement, just something he said by text. I didn't actually agree to it.

I did point out that I'd hardly be likely to meet another guy who felt happy for me to carry on seeing him!

I mean, I could resurrect the 2018 FB and see him alongside MrWG. But I don't want that, I want someone who wants to be with me, I mean actually BE with me. So that is what I am looking for. MrWG will have to just stand down when I find someone.

The actual fact is that MrWG is not well endowed, and also so far incapable of PIV sex, though things are looking more promising there recently. He knows both these things and I think these are the real reasons he knows he's "not boyfriend material" and that I should be allowed to have someone else to "meet my needs".

He thinks my "needs" are about sex. But they really aren't.

So MrWG would accept it but presumably you'd need to figure out how the IRL iron felt about it? Or just decide which one you wanted to be with and move forward accordingly

This is what I watch when I'm feeling blue, always makes me smile:

twitter.com/ProducerOllie/status/768772932990603264?s=20.

So MrWG would accept it but presumably you'd need to figure out how the IRL iron felt about it? Or just decide which one you wanted to be with and move forward accordingly

I'm never going to broach with a new guy "how do you feel about me having this other guy on the side".

So, the choice is MrWG solely (does not currently fulfill my needs); MrWG and an FB (would also not fulfill my needs, so totally pointless and just annoying logistics to manage all the time); or proper relationship, which hopefully fulfills my needs; or nothing (a calming option right now actually!). Once exclusivity is agreed in any new relationship, MrWG will have to, er, take a hike!

But let's not get ahead of ourselves, I am perennially single so who knows where RL new guy might lead. He's not texted!

@VanGoghsDog

So MrWG would accept it but presumably you'd need to figure out how the IRL iron felt about it? Or just decide which one you wanted to be with and move forward accordingly

I'm never going to broach with a new guy "how do you feel about me having this other guy on the side".

So, the choice is MrWG solely (does not currently fulfill my needs); MrWG and an FB (would also not fulfill my needs, so totally pointless and just annoying logistics to manage all the time); or proper relationship, which hopefully fulfills my needs; or nothing (a calming option right now actually!). Once exclusivity is agreed in any new relationship, MrWG will have to, er, take a hike!

But let's not get ahead of ourselves, I am perennially single so who knows where RL new guy might lead. He's not texted!

Yes... am also feeling perennially single. I mean, I've had a few dates and ONS in the last couple of years, and broke it off with all of them except MrGinger, which would have fizzled out because the bedroom situation was dire.

Basically MrWG is going to have to look out for himself then. I think that's fair?

Shall go and watch your Twitter Rec xx

Interesting VanGogh - my MrGardener had ED issues but at my age, I didn't see it as the 'be all and end all' if they ticked all my other boxes. Is that how you feel?
Bella - Hope you get a date zero lined up soon with MrProperty.

Can I have feedback?
Went on date zero with Mr Irish. Last out of the pub, lots to chat about. Bit of a kiss in the car park, got in our cars headed home. He suggested meeting again, I said yes. Got home, a few messages exchanged.
This morning I messaged him about something we had chatted about….ghosted! He’s been online, just hasn’t read it.
What is this about?

Why can’t men do the sorry, thanks but no thanks message?