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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband contacted HER.

234 replies

greatwhatnow · 01/08/2021 17:41

Hi everyone.

My husband had an affair two years ago. We wanted to make it work (we have a toddler). I thought it was over between them.

The other night, husband went out for the first time in a long time (due to pandemic etc etc). He's not a big drinker, he's a lightweight it affects him very quickly!

Anyway he came home and left his phone out. I don't know, obviously the trust will always be shaky because of what happened in the past..so I checked it. He messaged her.

'I'm inlove with you'
'I do need you'

I went to bed in a state of shock. When I woke up the next morning I looked at his phone again. The message had been deleted BUT she is still in his contacts.

If he had regretted what he had done, surely he would have deleted her contact/blocked her!?

OP posts:
Thewookiemustgo · 09/08/2021 15:33

I know how horrible this is. I know how much you just want this to be a mistake, an error of judgment and how much you don’t want to believe what is right in front of you.
For me this is a deal breaker with bells on as he was already in the last chance saloon. He should have been bending over backwards to show you how trustworthy he was.
However, I’m not you, so you might want to give this another try. The problem with this course of action is this:
if you decided to give him a third chance at your relationship, where would your trust be? Is the rest of your life going to be spent wondering about who he’s calling, who he’s messaging, who he’s with, does he love me/ her etc etc. It’s soul destroying and no way to live. You’ll still have everything you have now if you stay with him, except your peace of mind. That’s a high price to pay and will almost guarantee you very poor mental health. Take care X

Treacletoots · 09/08/2021 15:38

You already know the answer here OP. you just need some validation, or support from us to help you with what you need to do next.

Yes. Him keeping her number was absolutely intent that he would do it again. He had no intention of not being in touch with her, and now he has, although I suspect this is not the first time, not even close.

It's a terrible cliché but they really don't change. Fool me once, shame on you, Fool me twice shame on me. Dont let him do it to you again. Lead this time, kick him out. Don't take any of his bullshit.

It's only when they've lost everything that they realise just what they had. Flowers for you.

Original poster
greatwhatnow · 09/08/2021 15:40

Thanks @Treacletoots @Thewookiemustgo I do want to make this work but you're right the trust just isn't there.

Yes I think I perhaps am looking from validation from everyone so I know what I'm thinking is the right thing.

Say I never saw those messages. Say he never had text her. Him keeping a line of communication open when it would be an easy thing to do, to delete it, says so much

OP posts:
5128gap · 09/08/2021 15:41

[quote greatwhatnow]@peboh I think him keeping her number says more than the messages.

That's all I'm trying to say - that even IF he hadn't contacted her, him keeping her number says he wants to or will at some point [/quote]
I don't think keeping her number shows intent, more a reluctance to let go, but that's speculation. The only thing you know for certain is that he loves her. Even if he had deleted her number, he's retained his feelings for her, and surely this is the important thing? Or are you ok with that provided he doesn't act on it?

SeaShoreGalore · 09/08/2021 16:02

I have all and sundries in my contacts - randoms I’ve only been on one date with, and god knows what. But I’ve never had an affair.

You keep asking the same question over and over, looking for reassurance. You don’t seem to think that your own feelings are enough of a reason to end it.

I even get the impression you want us all to say that no, having her number is not enough of a reason to end it, so you have an excuse not to take the difficult next steps.

Thewookiemustgo · 09/08/2021 16:03

It’s an old quote, but those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. I have no idea how, after being caught in an affair, he can possibly think that deleting the messages but keeping her number is remotely ok.
What he’s done is very, very hurtful to say the least, but I think the lying and deceiving is worse than anything he may or may not have got up to with this woman.
I think people can change their behaviour and that one-offs do exist, but sadly he’s proved now that he’s not one of them and this is no longer a one-off. Sorry OP. X

Original poster
greatwhatnow · 09/08/2021 16:04

@SeaShoreGalore I too have people's numbers I never use, but not someone I've had an inappropriate relationship with.

OP posts:
CandidaAlbicans2 · 09/08/2021 16:46

If he was serious about working on regaining your trust, and if he really wanted the marriage to work, the first thing he would've done (surely) was delete her number. Doing so would've been symbolic of his intention to work on your relationship, so keeping her number, even if he never used it, is giving totally the wrong message IMHO.

Original poster
greatwhatnow · 09/08/2021 16:48

@CandidaAlbicans2 agreed. I thought about him keeping it and never using it but that makes absolutely no sense at all

OP posts:
Lolabray · 09/08/2021 17:11

@greatwhatnow I once read it’s a sign when you find things from the universe - it is being sent for you to see, for you to absorb and then make a decision.. someone is trying to show you what they are up to for example ..you saw those text because someone up there is trying to show you his true colours. I know this sounds bizarre and a bit balmy

Lolabray · 09/08/2021 17:23

I wonder if she has replied to these messages?

longcoffeebreak · 09/08/2021 22:56

Hi he intended to keep the number, he did use the number and you have no way of knowing how much he has been using the number to contact her before he got careless when drunk and you saw he had kept and used the number.

facelessworrier · 10/08/2021 07:24

He kept the number because he doesn't want to let her go completely. He kept it because while it's there, she's always an option.
And she's the one he's thinking of when he's had too much to drink.
If he had any remorse or regret he'd have deleted and blocked her immediately. Listen to his actions not his words.

Leave before this completely destroys you.

Original poster
greatwhatnow · 10/08/2021 08:09

Morning @facelessworrier ...yes I do believe you're right. I don't believe he'd keep it for no reason

OP posts:
Hopingforabagofbuttons · 10/08/2021 08:45

Have you spoken to you DH yet ? Are you going to ?
What if he deletes the number in front of you again and says he won’t contact her again, would that make everything ok with you ?

Drinkingallthewine · 10/08/2021 11:14

I've the number of an ex from years back in my phone. The only reason I keep it is so that when he writes his stupid messages I know that it's him so know not to even engage to ask who it is. Similarly with people who I'm no longer friends with - I keep the numbers so I know that if they message me, who it is. I never reply.

So having the phone number in the phone may not necessarily mean anything that way, though I do understand that after an affair the only decent thing to do is to delete/block/change number to show your spouse that you are dedicated to fixing your relationship.

However, him writing "I love you, I need you" to her makes the question of keeping the number in the phone is for honourable purposes or not, entirely moot. In this instance the only thing that matters here is that he messaged her that.

Any number of valid reasons as to why someone would keep the number are totally irrelevant now. But the most likely explanation in this case is that he still has feelings for her, he still wants to rekindle what they had, and that he's not fully invested in your marriage any more, if he ever really was...

Original poster
greatwhatnow · 10/08/2021 13:29

@Drinkingallthewine yes I have people's numbers in my phone that I don't use. However I don't have the number of someone I had an inappropriate relationship with.

Also keeping it and not using it makes no sense. So for example yes he sent her those drunk messages. Say he hasn't said anything to her since..whats the point in keeping it?

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/08/2021 14:47

OP you sound absolutely determined to find a way to overlook this.

If you choose to stay, fine, that's your choice. But you have to also choose not to check his phone, his emails, not to worry and obsess over whether he's contacted her if anyone else.

If you choose that path, I strongly suggest you make sure you have future-proofed your life, because at any moment he could turn round and tell you it's over. So if you're not working now, or only working PT, get your shit together - retrain if necessary, up your hours, go for promotion, etc. In addition to giving you security in the event of a split, it will almost certainly boost your confidence and self esteem.

betterwithage · 10/08/2021 15:19

Stop questioning, start acting on the betrayal.

Notnowkate · 10/08/2021 15:25

[quote greatwhatnow]@Drinkingallthewine yes I have people's numbers in my phone that I don't use. However I don't have the number of someone I had an inappropriate relationship with.

Also keeping it and not using it makes no sense. So for example yes he sent her those drunk messages. Say he hasn't said anything to her since..whats the point in keeping it?[/quote]
Sweetie with the best will in the world, once you are ready to move forward from a place of denial you'll see this for exactly what it is and stop looking for possible get out clauses for him x

Rheia1983 · 12/08/2021 11:06

I too agree that it sounds lile you are looking for ways to ignore what happened.

OP, you don't need to look for reasons to stay if that is what you want. However, you would be living with the uncertainty that your husband could have rekindled the affair, is in contact, may leave you etc. It's up to you if you want to live with that.

Flyinggeese1 · 12/08/2021 11:43

I’d do what a pp suggests and get a cheap phone, then swap her number in his phone with that one. You’ll find out all you need to know. But yes the trust has gone.

Original poster
greatwhatnow · 12/08/2021 12:11

@Rheia1983 hi, I'm honestly not trying to ignore and I'm sorry if this is how it's come across.

I'm just wondering if even if he had never messaged her whilst drunk, but kept the number - that's still just as bad

OP posts:
Flyinggeese1 · 12/08/2021 12:43

Sorry to say OP but I think you’re clutching at straws. You saw the message. He did message her. It really doesn’t matter why he had the number; it could be anything from forgetting it was there to being used daily.

Freddy12 · 12/08/2021 12:48

Keeping the number sounds like keeping an option open or at least a maybe I could contact in the future sometime thought at least
If this was an ex who he broke up with amicably and were still friends - maybe if both have moved on
As this was an affair partner then definitely not, they were happy behind your back before, who is to say that they won’t again
Old habits die hard

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