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Original poster

Husband contacted HER.

234 replies

greatwhatnow · 01/08/2021 17:41

Hi everyone.

My husband had an affair two years ago. We wanted to make it work (we have a toddler). I thought it was over between them.

The other night, husband went out for the first time in a long time (due to pandemic etc etc). He's not a big drinker, he's a lightweight it affects him very quickly!

Anyway he came home and left his phone out. I don't know, obviously the trust will always be shaky because of what happened in the past..so I checked it. He messaged her.

'I'm inlove with you'
'I do need you'

I went to bed in a state of shock. When I woke up the next morning I looked at his phone again. The message had been deleted BUT she is still in his contacts.

If he had regretted what he had done, surely he would have deleted her contact/blocked her!?

OP posts:
mug2018 · 09/08/2021 11:34

I am sorry you are going through this.
I am not one to jump on the 'leave the bastard' train as I know it is never that easy. But I apologize if my next thoughts hurt, as this is not my intention, but I think being drunk becomes a mask or an excuse; when drunk your guard is down & you become less inhibited & my thoughts are more around why is the OW primary in his thoughts when he was drunk. You deserve love & respect & for him to not give you that, betray your trust & disrespect you because he clearly has his mind on someone else, for me would be a deal breaker.
I've been there. I tried to 'deal' with the betrayal but the trust was shattered & our relationship never recovered.
I wish you all the best.

RiverSkater · 09/08/2021 11:35

He says he loves her. I'm sorry but you need to end this marriage, you gave it the best shot you could but he's not on the same page as you.

Original poster
greatwhatnow · 09/08/2021 11:47

@mug2018 sorry that you have been through this, it's excruciating Thanks yes I really need to look at the future..think I am going to invest some time in that today.
I delete peoples numbers all the time and he hasn't even deleted hers

OP posts:
Original poster
greatwhatnow · 09/08/2021 11:48

@RiverSkater you're right

OP posts:
Newpuppymummy · 09/08/2021 11:50

I’m so sorry you’ve been hurt. He is most likely deleted the messages because he doesn’t want you to see them. You need to decide whether you want to be in a relationship with a man who is probably in love with someone else.

Original poster
greatwhatnow · 09/08/2021 11:52

@Newpuppymummy you're right. I'm trying to explore this situation from all angles..even if he had never text her, even if they haven't spoken in a long time..the fact he's kept her number says so much doesn't it

OP posts:
Sampafie · 09/08/2021 11:53

I dont get the obsession with him "having her number as a contact" thats just another deflection OP is using to avoid facing the fact that her DP loves the OW.
Would you be happier if he deleted her as a contact but saved the number in his Notes and used it to text her an SMS not over whatsapp? Like are you even reading whst youre saying/what youre focused on? Its been over a week and you havent gotten the courage to confront him, what ARE you AFRAID of? That if you ask him in person he will confirm that yes, he does indeed love her? So pushing it off makes it less real? Youve got your head so deep in the sand. You know how this is going to end. Stop pushing it off or pretending its about him having her number

justwondering21 · 09/08/2021 11:57

I'm so sorry that your husband cheated and has remained in some from of contact with the OW.

I've not rtft so apologies if this has been asked but you say he had an affair 2 years ago and you have a toddler.
Was he cheating with the OW when you were pregnant, had a newborn ? I think that is a really shit thing for him to do.
I think of that was the case I'd really be wondering if I could ever trust him again.
Sorry that you're in such a rubbish situation.

HelenHywater · 09/08/2021 11:59

[quote greatwhatnow]@Newpuppymummy you're right. I'm trying to explore this situation from all angles..even if he had never text her, even if they haven't spoken in a long time..the fact he's kept her number says so much doesn't it [/quote]
no. It's the fact he messaged her that says so much. It's what's in his mind too - he loves her, or believes he does.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Tara336 · 09/08/2021 12:00

You checked that phone for a reason, that the trust isn’t there. In your position I would be coming clean and telling him what I’d seen. Have a frank conversation with him, tell him how you feel, and ask him what he wants. If it is to stay and try then he must send a text to her telling her it’s over and then block and delete her number. It could be just a very stupid drunken mistake but you won’t know until you talk

Original poster
greatwhatnow · 09/08/2021 12:05

@HelenHywater do you think if he hadn't messaged her but still held onto her number..it wouldn't be as bad? Or does it still show some form of intention, like I may not be contacting now but I will in the future

OP posts:
Anonanon1234 · 09/08/2021 12:12

@greatwhatnow

I'm just playing devils advocate here - I'm trying to see things from all angles. If he stopped communicating with her but kept her number, that doesn't make any sense at all
He kept her number because he had every intention of keeping her there as a Plan B.

I'm so sorry you discovered this, I can imagine how much it hurt..and I absolutely don't blame you for snooping either - when people cheat, they have no idea of the trust issues it gives the innocent partner.

If he had truly 'moved on' he would've/should've blocked her/changed numbers or deleted all means on communication.
Don't let others convince you that he didn't mean it because he was drunk - IMO alcohol just lowers peoples boundaries and their true morals tend to be revealed.

Get your ducks in a row and tell him you are done. You are worth more than this.

Anonanon1234 · 09/08/2021 12:16

[quote greatwhatnow]@HelenHywater do you think if he hadn't messaged her but still held onto her number..it wouldn't be as bad? Or does it still show some form of intention, like I may not be contacting now but I will in the future [/quote]
Absolutely this.

Genuine reconnection with you/regret, he should've blocked all means of her ever contacting him again. IF she'd popped up, he SHOULD have replied that she needed to stop contacting him because he was with his wife and working on his marriage.

What happened is that he got drunk and forgot himself, disrespected you and acted like a fool.

I don't think it's unreasonable to say that you snooped and you need to have a serious conversation about how to move forward, but DO NOT let him gaslight you into 'you shouldn't have snooped' etc. HE is the one being disloyal and untrue.

Original poster
greatwhatnow · 09/08/2021 12:31

@Anonanon1234 thanks - I believe this too. It's the intent that hurts more than anything

OP posts:
HelenHywater · 09/08/2021 12:32

[quote greatwhatnow]@HelenHywater do you think if he hadn't messaged her but still held onto her number..it wouldn't be as bad? Or does it still show some form of intention, like I may not be contacting now but I will in the future [/quote]
I don't know but does it matter? He contacted her.

Yes it would have been bad to have kept her number (why would you do that?),but you're in a different position. He actually contacted her.

(and actually there are ways of contacting people without having their number - social media, emails, all make it possible to contact people whenever you get the whim.)

velvetpeach · 09/08/2021 12:33

You sound so so similar to this poster from last year:

OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3876476-ow-emotional-affair-please-help-me

Obsessing over a phone number is understandable, as it's easier than admitting the relationship is dead in the water, but for your own sanity and future happiness please don't get so caught up in the minutiae that you forget your husband has betrayed you. He loves someone else.
I am so sorry you are going through this but please don't do what the other poster did and just accept an affair happening right under your nose...

Mountaingoatling · 09/08/2021 13:24

OP...if I'm interpreting this right, you're actually telling us that there were no texts.

So the thread is going in circles as people can't understand why you're more bothered he has her number than told her he loves her.

But I think perhaps reading you're repeated "but what if there were no texts" scenario then you're not getting the right advice because you haven't retracted the first scenario.

Original poster
greatwhatnow · 09/08/2021 13:33

@Mountaingoatling Some people can't understand it and that's fine.

Re the messages - yes there were messages. I've acknowledged that. What im asking is the bigger picture.

Say there hadn't been any messages and it was only a number. That still shows intent

OP posts:
peboh · 09/08/2021 13:38

Keeping her number or not is mostly irrelevant in comparison to the fact of what the texts said. You need to leave. If you stay the you're just welcoming him to continue reaching out to her whenever he fancies.

Original poster
greatwhatnow · 09/08/2021 13:42

@peboh I think him keeping her number says more than the messages.

That's all I'm trying to say - that even IF he hadn't contacted her, him keeping her number says he wants to or will at some point

OP posts:
mellongoose · 09/08/2021 13:48

[quote greatwhatnow]@peboh I think him keeping her number says more than the messages.

That's all I'm trying to say - that even IF he hadn't contacted her, him keeping her number says he wants to or will at some point [/quote]
In which case, you must tell him that. It is unacceptable to you that he has kept her number.

When he says it doesn't mean anything, you back it up with the messages you saw.

I'm sorry OP. You can't go on like this. The trust has well and truly gone. Make a new start for yourself while you still trust your own instincts. Best of luck.

FingersXssd83 · 09/08/2021 13:49

Get rid of him pronto!

Marriedtothesilverfox · 09/08/2021 13:50

Ducks in a row. Ltb because your marriage is over. SorryFlowers

peboh · 09/08/2021 14:26

[quote greatwhatnow]@peboh I think him keeping her number says more than the messages.

That's all I'm trying to say - that even IF he hadn't contacted her, him keeping her number says he wants to or will at some point [/quote]
He kept the number, so he could send her those messages. It doesn't say more. Yes keeping the number wasn't good, of course it wasn't. But I'm sure we've all got numbers in our phones of exes and stuff that we never use. I personally don't delete numbers ever, but that doesn't mean I use the numbers. He did.
You know this relationship is over. He will keep reaching out to her.

Original poster
greatwhatnow · 09/08/2021 14:37

@peboh I keep numbers too. But not someone I've had an inappropriate relationship with

OP posts: