Would you leave your 15/16yr old to move abroad?

[Horehound]

Just wondering how many parents would make this decision really.
15/16yr old fairly young for their age but adamant they don't want to move abroad and school on a foreign school for one year nor leave their boyfriend and friends.

You're moving because your husband was made redundant, no work around and has been offered a job abroad.

Would you make your child go or what would you do?

@Roselilly36

Wouldn’t dream of it. Selfish & bloody ridiculous thing to do. Some people should not be parents.

Bit harsh. I'm sure op is a good parent, she is only considering her options at a time when her DH is out of work.

@Horehound I’m really sorry I thought at first you might be my SIL as there are so many similarities, but she isn’t married yet

I think what my in laws did was horrific and has had many significant impacts on their children subsequently. As a result, now they’re getting to the stage of life where they’re doing less (retired) and want more interaction with their children and children’s families, I think they’re surprised at how little that seems to be reciprocated. I’m sure that will only become more apparent as time goes on.

I haven’t read the full thread, so apologies if this has been covered. But parents who would make this decision are unlikely to have been great parents beforehand as well. Have you talked through earlier life experiences with your therapist as well? When I hear about DH’s experiences, my sense is that his parents were very rigid in there expectations of him and siblings, even as a young child. There were high expectations and not much empathy to see them as people in their own right (and flex around them).

Fwiw you’ll be a better parent because of this. DH is the most loving, hands on father and is adored by our kids

My husband's parents left the country after they relentlessly pressed him into joining the military. His sibling already had moved abroad (golden child) and they moved to be within short flight distance of them, but couldn't be any further from DH. Literally halfway around the globe. He was 18 and he has never quite managed to process that completely and lay it to rest. It hurts that his parents abandoned him for his sibling, basically. So I imagine it will hurt your child that you abandon them in favour of your husband's job.

Ah, ok, just read all your posts.

It's a shitty thing to do and I completely understand why my husband was so hurt, so you must have been crushed

I can see it from parent's perspective. 15- 16 year old is big enough to have opinion of how their life should go. They choose their educational path etc. If teen was adamant that their boyfriend, friends and finishing the same school is really important, it would be reasonable for parents to respect that. Living abroad could be an interesting experience, but you didn't want that as a teen, and now are trying to go away from your own choice. At the same time if the job was important and great opportunity for parents, should they stay for your first boyfriend? You had wonderfull grandparents who would take care of you and your parents knew that. In their minds situation was settled and I don't think it's unreasonable. 15 - 16 year old is on their way to adulthood and to give them more independence is not necessarily bad. I think your pain comes from relationship with parents throughout the whole childhood and from them not sticking to the promise come back after five years.

Not the same thing at all as I am and was an adult at the time. But my Mum moved abroad taking my siblings with her (1 sibling has since been sent back to go to uni) and I still felt/feel abandoned. It's tough, I'm so sorry they did this to you so young.

I know someone who did this to a younger child, and although I sympathise with her reasons for doing it I wonder how her child is going to feel about that when they've grown up.

I also knew someone whose parents did this to her and I think it really fucked her up. After she finished boarding school, they left her to live far away, at around the age of 16 - 18, with practically no support network to go to in the U.K. Her parents wanted to live their dream, and as soon as they could they went off to live it. Their child grew up to be insecure, friendless and lost in the world, and I felt really sorry for her. I think she was also coping with mental illness too.

It's shocking that there's even a question over leaving your child 😣😢
You chose to have them! You can't just leave them because you fancy a year abroad. There is always work, it might not be the job you want but a job is a job if it comes to this kinda thing.

No way!

Effectively they saw your parenting as devolved to the extended family. They boarded you out to grandparents before, so did it again. I can see why they thought it was ok, having done it before.

It may be worth pointing out to them, if you wanted to, that actually they totally underestimated how important parents are to children. I'd guess that you'd have felt ok about this if they'd tried really hard to show love and interest while they were away- ringing every other day and asking how your studies were going, had you managed to find a job, were you ok with the cooking/laundry etc.

Parenting is about preparing DC to be independent when they want to go, not shoving them out, ready or not.

How old are your DC now? I'd guess you'll feel it really intensely when your DC are the ages you were when you were sent to grandparents. Be ready for that. You may need a bit of extra support.

My dad (with whom I lived at the time) did this when I was 17, moved when I was 18. No possibility of me going as the visa was just for him and his wife.
I still struggle to work out how he could do that. DS is 16 and I wouldn’t be able to do that in the next 18 months. Suffice to say, our relationship hasn’t recovered. My step-mother makes comments about phoning more as my dad feels he misses out on my life- well yes, but that was a choice he made.

My heart breaks for young you.

I think of when my DD started uni... she has a chronic (nothing too serious) condition and we agreed that if at any point she was ill I'd pick her up at the drop of a hat. I couldn't bear to think of her suffering and upset so far from home. Charging you rent when you were at college - I'm amazed! (also that a pp thinks this is OK!). You were a child still - as your parents it was their job to house you and feed you. If they'd still lived at 'home' surely they wouldn't have charged you to llive at home whilst under 18 and at college??

As loving parents (and you are clearly one) we want to help, support and encourage our children. The tricky years as parents, IME, is late teens in to early adulthood, when you feel as protective as ever, and love them as much as ever, but they are facing real adult problems and dilemmas. Being there for them if they need you is so important in those years, when they are becoming independent but need to know mum / dad / home is there when they need it.

Your parents put you at risk of being exploited by someone unscrupulous (leaving a young woman with not enough money to get by, living alone).

Your parents idea of parenting was very unusual and I would agree with others, negligent. I'm so pleased that you have built a lovely family around you, that you had lovely GPs, that you are still close to your brother and talk to him. Hats off to you.

But you don't have to pretend to them that it's OK. Don't let them tell you you were sensitive or difficult, or in any to blame for what they did. They were in the wrong 100%.

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP, your pain and bewilderment over it seems so clear in your words.
It almost seems like they got bored of parenting having done it for 15/16 years and considered that job done. Thank goodness you had good grandparents but I can completely understand the feelings of abandonment,
I'm older than you and still have issues with feeling unloved/unwanted as a teen even though my parents were physically present - they just had no time for me.
More therapy sounds like a very good plan, and consider if you still want them in your life?

Military children do it all the time. I moved at 15, my life didn't implode. Children today will grow up with no resilience because they are pandered to and mollycoddled to the nth degree. So OP you would rather have (potentially) had your parents stay here with no money, stress of no job, and not left you WITH YOUR GRANDPARENTS? (let's not pretend that you were dumped in a grotty bed sit).

Had exactly this with dp and I stayed behind with the dcs. Didn't cross my mind not to.

Thinking we will do this again at some point and I will go too, but absolutely not until the youngest is at least 18. Their father would still be here too if that happened.

Out of interest, OP, have too ever talked about this with your grandparents?

I wouldn't move abroad without my child even now, and she is now 19y and she is away at university much of the years.

I wouldn't go without her until she was settled in her own career and home, and potentially settled with her own partner and/or family. Even then I'd be very reluctant to move overseas and be that far away. Especially after Covid I wouldn't want to risk the chance of not being able to visit for months on end.

@stillcrazyafterall

Military children do it all the time. I moved at 15, my life didn't implode. Children today will grow up with no resilience because they are pandered to and mollycoddled to the nth degree. So OP you would rather have (potentially) had your parents stay here with no money, stress of no job, and not left you WITH YOUR GRANDPARENTS? (let's not pretend that you were dumped in a grotty bed sit).

Parental abandonment is a horrific thing to carry through your life.

Thanks so much for all the replies! There's a lot to cover and I find myself nodding in agreement to a lot of them.
I do feel like they kind if just washed their hands of parenting, yes.
To the posters who are saying they can see my parents side, I agree, I can see it too but when you are 15/16 years old you have absolutely no idea what impact your decisions will have or what it means or anything. And maybe I expected to see my parents more than what I thought I actually did when they were away.

The grandparents I stayed with were not the ones I stayed with when I was younger. Well I did stay with then for a few months towards the end of school through my exams but for the majority of the year I was with the other set who I definitely did not have the same relationship with as my other ones. But school was in walking distance from them and was easier to stay there.

I find myself thinking "but, but, but.." reading the replies of people saying "well what else were they supposed to do? You made you choice"
I think my point is I was too young to ever make that choice knowing what it all consisted of. I think my mum could have stayed for 1-2 years and flew over to my dad regularly until I was finished school and settled living in the city.
I think if they knew I was struggling they could have come over to see me more.
And as a pp mentioned...no they weren't exactly so interested in my life whilst away. M would email me asking where I was to make sure I was at college or work. They'd be angry if I asked for money, god knows what else I can't think right now but it was almost like they wanted to treat me like a child in some ways and a full blown adult in others but when it suited their agenda.

However, my parents are fun and can be generous. I'd say I'm closer to them now and I see them most weeks and everything is ok generally.
They have helped both me and my brother a fair amount in the last 2-3 years since being home. Mum especially.
Also when we were younger we did have great times too like going to Florida and Asian countries etc.
But the general day to day things are the bits me and my brother talk about and wonder what was going on.
There's too much to put down here really but I am definitely going to start up my therapy again.
I can't help how I feel about it even if people say it was my choice.

Thank you soooo much to everyone again. This has been so helpful to me x

@picklemewalnuts he's only two so it's in the back of my mind what it might feel like when he is 15.

You poor thing. That's horrific and I would never dream of doing it to my children. I don't think it means they don't love you...just that they are a bit messed up.

PIL went abroad for 1 year when DH was a teenager - this was the early 80s. DH and SIL went with them but their (private) school told them they should leave BIL (who was 15) in the UK so his education wasn't disrupted so he boarded for a year but went out for holidays. MIL said she burst into tears when the headmaster told her she couldn't take her PFB. I wouldn't do that but I do think a certain class of people from earlier generations thought it was more acceptable, because so many had boarded themselves.

Obviously your case was more extreme and was part of a pattern of neglect by your parents.

My grandparents did this to my dad - well, slightly different in that his parents got divorced and both moved away to join new spouses. He ended up living in his car for a while (in a New England winter!) until his friends' families realised what was going on and my mum's family took him in.

If anyone remembers "That 70s Show" my dad was just like the one living in the basement, apparently wasn't uncommon - they have 2 other friends from high school whose parents just upped and left young teenagers alone to follow new relationships. Different times I guess.

@Xiaoxiong wow that's just crazy. I mean, what did the parents think he was doing? I just don't understand how parents are ok with those situations. Is he ok now?

I do feel like my parents were just happy to be rid of the hassle of having kids

Some 'friends' of mine did. They had kids by different people but had a child together then left there kids with the other parent and went to New Zealand to live with the child they had together! I'm not sure how they could do it myself.